My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

What a nightmare. I really feel for you. No words if wisdom from me. I hope your son can escape from this situation before very much longer.

I’d get the restraining order, because when it does all go belly up (hopefully sooner rather than later) if she does then accuse your son you have evidence of a pattern of behaviour which preceded it

Your son's behaviour is very disappointing and no doubt in years to come, he'll see it all and hopefully apologise.

As for the "suggestion"; if she was seeing another young man, a different type of young man, an unstable young man, with "issues" .. especially someplace with more access to weapons like the US; a woman could be dead because of her. It's not impossible, it has happened.

She does need action taken against her.

If you don't take out the restraining order then you lose the right to be critical of her parents being wet and ineffectual. Because you are doing the same thing -minimising her behaviour and not instigating the consequences for that behaviour as a responsible adult should.

you are not taking out the restraining order - you and your husband, jointly are doing this for your whole family. If DS revolts at that, it will be temporary and he WILL thank you in hindsight - because when he needs that bolt hole fleeing from abuse, your home will be a protective space for him. All you can do is reassure him that you will always have your door open to him, whenever he needs it. But for now if you need to lovingly detach and keep her away from your family given the death threats.

@workworkworkugh

I'm not purposely trying to be difficult, but some of her messages have blamed me for her mental health and so I think if she were to harm herself in anyway for what I've done I'd never forgive myself. I also think the police would encourage me to forget it and move on as she is so young. She clearly thinks and has said (and probably her parents) that I'm the one that has caused all this trouble so if I were to take it further it sort of proves her point, doesn't it? That I'm an asshole out to get to a 15yo?

Who cares if a 15yo thinks your an asshole. It’s the job of us parents to be assholes, I don’t care what people think of me when it comes to protecting my children. I can be the biggest bitch in the world with no friends, it dosnt matter as long as my children are safe.

You say your son will never forgive you. I’d put money on him being great FIL you put a stop to it. Maybe not straight away but he will eventually.

You really need to take your personal feelings about what people think of you out of this. I think your trying to control everything and loosing badly. I’ve said before let your husband take control.

You have also said you will loose your son if you stop him seeing her and you can’t do that because he’s 16 anyway and can do what he wants. I know how my parents would have dealt with this, and how I would in your situation. I’d say fine if you don’t follow our rules which is to end things with her and start treating our family with respect or your out of the door as we can not trust you in our home, especially when you think it’s ok for her to say kill your mother. I’d go as far as saying you might get a restraining order against him as you no longer know who he is or what he’s capable of anymore. If he wants her he can go to her.

That means he is 100% out of the house, no school fees paid (I think you mentioned he went to private school), no phone paid, no clothes bought, no devices, no sports clubs paid. He is totally on his own with her. I wonder how much her parents will encourage it if they have to support him financially too. Or how he will feel when he realises he’s lost his whole family because if her.

I know it’s harsh and others will flame me, but you’ve tried being reasonable and the good parent, it’s not worked.

@AliceMcK

I know it’s harsh and others will flame me, but you’ve tried being reasonable and the good parent, it’s not worked.

I won't flame you. I've been saying the same sort of thing.

This needs the 'ton of bricks' approach. Not fannying about trying to gently cajole him for fear of 'pushing him into her arms' as some people have unhelpfully posted.

OP's son needs some sense knocking into him, and soon.

This is absolutely fucking mental. My parents would be apoplectic with me and do everything they could to stop me seeing someone like this.

I'm sure they'd pack up and move if they had to.

He needs his phone removed, block and delete her number, laptop removed fucking everything. And yes get the restraining order. Jesus Christ.

I don't care if he's 16 if he still lives with you tough fucking titty.

I really feel you're shooting yourself in the foot massively if you don't get a restraining order. I'm not sure why you're so worried about this girl, but for heavens sake, you need to do something.

Why the fuck would you care about a 15 year old girl more than your son? Get him away from her anyway possible and deal with his teenage tantrum later.
Be the parent, not the poor mum who has put up with this since December...

Just to be clear, Your son can see her still.
But by getting the restraining order, you are showing him that you, your DH & hopefully other children do not accept her, & do not want her anywhere near you.
Why would he never forgive you ? He can still choose his camp.
You however are showing you can too

@Satis thanks so much for the doubt.
It has actually been a great support to me to be able to talk here.
I didn't intend or expect the thread to blow up and I'm not doing anything for 'suspense', I'm genuinely struggling with this whole thing.
You don't know me or my family, just what I have written here.

I know I am too nice for my own good sometimes and I am reading all the advice, half is saying to do one thing and half the other, and I can see both sides reasoning, but until you've been in this situation it's easy to sit back and tell someone what to do, not as easy when it's happening directly to you.

My DH spoke to his police friend today and he has given me the name of a specific person to speak to at our local station who is best to handle these types of situations.

Also, we are all commenting about how nobody is giving the girl adequate boundaries.... If you continue to allow your son to continue to do whatever he wants, and treat you with the same contempt (despite your claim that he doesn't, he is choosing this abhorrent person who makes these claims about you and not making her accountable.) If you continue in this vein, are you not being the same kind of parent?

My DH spoke to his police friend today and he has given me the name of a specific person to speak to at our local station who is best to handle these types of situations.

This is what you need - expert advice from someone who's seen this before.

Reading the developments in this thread made me think of this horrific case from a few years ago where a teenager and her boyfriend killed her mother. Warning: has some graphic details.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-37648194

[quote HellonHeels]Reading the developments in this thread made me think of this horrific case from a few years ago where a teenager and her boyfriend killed her mother. Warning: has some graphic details.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-37648194[/quote]

Yes @Satis I’m sure the OP is not really concerned about her sons or her own safety, more how long she can keep an anonymous Mumsnet thread going

Great news about the police friend OP, fingers crossed you get some support

I totally agree with you @AliceMcK.

@workworkworkugh I am so sorry you have to deal with this outrageous situation.

To be honest I think both sets of parents are in the wrong. We are talking about a 16 year old teenager who has everything he wants but who's not forced in any way shape or form to give something back and a 15 year old girls who always gets what she wants.

I am sorry but when did some of the parents forget that they are grown-ups that need to teach their children that life is hard?

I totally understand that you can't force your son to do anything but I think you forget too easily that you have the power and not him. We are talking about a 16 year old boy!!!

Stop financing his hobbies, stop paying his mobile phone, stop driving around and tell him that as long as you're paying for everything you decide. He wants her...ok, pack his bag and tell him to move to her parents.

I can bet all my money that he'll be back home in no time. Sometimes parents really need to act like parents and be more strict.

Exactly don't give him everything he wants. No way.
Make life tough for him and see how good he had it.

@Daria10 I hear what you're saying, and maybe we have been lenient, but without knowing by us personally how can you be sure that's the right way to go about things?

I can understand people's frustration that they think I'm not doing enough, but a few of you seem so sure that your way is the right way and it should have happened yesterday! But how do you know?

How do you know that if we do it your way that DS isn't going to move in with them and we not see him for years?
How do you know that DS might have had enough of feeling like he's in the middle and struggle so much that he kills himself?
Because we know all the details of our son and our life and those two options would be more likely than her actually trying to hurt me.

I have seen her twice in recent days and she's ran away both times, as in literally turned and ran when I haven't even said a word to her. She's all talk. Not to say we're not looking at our options but I also don't want to rush into something in a fit of anger, I'd rather find out the information and make an informed decision.

Is the school aware of their student attempting to incite another of their students to murder someone?

I know we live in strange times but I cannot imagine any school failing to take immediate action in this situation.

What restrictions do you actually give your son?
As far as I can see you let him have his cake and eat it

OP, I do understand your fears.

On reflection, perhaps we are all coming at this as wanting to 'fix' the problem because its horrible to read about and sympathise with the situation. Perhaps we all need to take a step back and realise this isn't our problem to fix, but offer up sensible advice for the OP to consider (of which there has been a fair amount still) and not command what she should be doing.