My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

The problem is that when in an abusive relationship, people do unfortunately behave in ways that would otherwise be utterly out of character.

In any other circumstance I'm sure the DS would react very differently to someone suggesting he kill his mother.

However he's been "trained" by his GF to excuse her poor behaviour at every turn.

Nothing will be her fault...

She's only reacting to his mother interfering. She, didn't really mean it. It was just a sign of how stressed she is etc etc

The situation is very concerning but contrast with people to stay with not just emotionally abusive partners but physically abusive as well. Beaten black and blue, they'll refuse to press charges and make excuses for what happened (I shouldn't have provoked them, They did it because they love me and were insecure etc).

It's often only when people get to a point they realise their partner could easily have killed them (and sadly sometimes not even then) that they leave.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that as upsetting as it is, brushing off one awful (or even a set of awful) texts is not as bad as it can get .

My husband wants me to get the restraining order on her so she can't say anything about me online etc but I really don't want to, as much as I hate her, she's still a 15yo kid and in a small town I don't want to ruin any future prospects for her, I'm just not that sort of person

And if she decides to ruin your reputation OP, or your son's, what then? She has shown repeatedly that she can lie, manipulate and threatened to get what she wants. She will not be reasoned with, you cannot "be kind" her out of her behaviour and her parents have shown they do not care what she does. Think about that for a moment, her parents know what she is at and just shrugged it off, do you think if it came down to it they would not cover up and lie for her? You are not dealing with reasonable people here, I say get everything on record legally, file for the restraining order to protect you, your DH and your other DC. When your son starts relaying back what her or her family say stop him dead in his tracks, tell him you do not want her mentioned in your home, he has decided to be with her he deals with her whining, no more running to mummy to listen and then ignoring advice to go back to the girlfriend, you are done. The shine will soon fade when nobody is reacting to her drama.

Restraining order make sink it home to ds this is Real Adult Shit he is involved in.
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A friend’s son is going through a very miserable time because a girl he dated for a year ( they split a year ago) has now claimed he was abusive during their time together. The police were involved but found no evidence either way. The girl had told all their mutual friends (same school), under the guise of ‘warning’ the girls that he would attempt to groom them. The boy is adamant that everything was consensual but there is no proof either way.

Sorry op but you should've had a restraining order on her ages ago for your sons sake. She is telling your ds to kill you, your lucky ds didn't pay attention because it does happen, also I'd be afraid for your ds future, she sounds very dangerous

I'm not purposely trying to be difficult, but some of her messages have blamed me for her mental health and so I think if she were to harm herself in anyway for what I've done I'd never forgive myself

@workworkworkugh, it stuck me that this mindset is exactly like when someone is scared to end an abusive marriage in case their partner harms themselves (which rarely happens).
I agree with PPs about getting a restraining order. Not only is your priority yourself and family, but it could actually do her some good in the long term. She needs professional help, possibly more than a few counselling sessions, and that might be just the catalyst needed to ensure she gets some. Also, she's old enough to know right from wrong, old enough to be accountable for her actions, and her parents aren't doing anything to help the situation.

My husband has a friend that is a high ranking police officer, he is going to ask him some questions for me/us today.

I know if I go down this path I will truly lose my son, I'm not sure he will forgive me.
And while he is still talking to me, it means I can keep a bit more of an eye on the situation and what other things she has been saying.

He is just so besotted by her...addicted to her.
From the messages I have read and what he's told me, he doesn't want to leave her as he thinks he has nothing without her (I pointed out he has nothing with her!).

He is also a bit jealous as to what she'll do if they did break up. For example, all the good and fun things they do together she will be doing with other boys and I don't think he can handle that
(and I'm not saying that is right for him to say or think, I've explained that's not a good reason to stay)

I know if I go down this path I will truly lose my son, I'm not sure he will forgive me. I’d challenge your thinking here. He’s carrying on a relationship where she’s told him to kill you (Read Adult Shit as PP said) and you are worried he won’t forgive you for any protective action?

Saving your ds must come before saving your relationship ime.. I rang the police and the mh team for my ds, I also rang his dgps and told them he attempted suicide..
.. I took him to appointments literally dragging him. He has held me no grudges..

I would even say our relationship is stronger.. At his worst I still supported what was best for him. I never faltered in my support of him as my ds. You haven't walked away op... In his heart of hearts he will know you are right... He just isn't ready to give her up yet... The sick feelings she gives him will remind him she is wrong for him. Stay strong.

I'd make sure that she and her parents know that you are trying to protect her by not issuing a restraining order, and that you will not hesitate to do so if she does anything else in the future. She's on her last chance.

Oh op, what a horrendous situation. I am so relieved to read that you are going to be speaking to a senior police officer. Please keep your family safe & as far away from her as possible. She needs help & this may lead to help happening.

Just to clarify I reported by own post above as it quoted the one that's been deleted for breaking talk guidelines (basically saying it was inappropriate).

Oh wow. She does a only 15? I would not be encouraging my 15 DD to be so involved in a relationship. No way. Her parents are just as nuts as she is

It seems to me that he’s already lost at least for now. And there is no end in sight. Allowing this to continue is not an option. The purpose of reporting her is to save them both.

Reading your last few updates and the actual text message - I have a really spooky feeling of familiarity. My older DSD has targeted me, (her step mum) similarly but now her boyfriend’s Mother. She’s not as extreme, but if I explain a little of what I’ve learned about her, perhaps... who knows, it might help with your situation?

It actually gives me shivers reading how this girl is targeting you. It will not stop, and will always be there. She’s shot you a ‘warning’ and she’s won. She’s kept her BF, your DS, despite saying awful things about you.

My DSD is a very intense girl, very awkward and at first seems shy and sweet. However over the years, I can say this on mumsnet, (but would hesitate in RL), there is just something wrong with her. She has an underlying aggression that simmers, always, I don’t know why but it’s there. She latches onto to a man and sees their family as competition and the enemy. Her current BF has serious mental health problems and went back to live with his mother. DSD, I honestly don’t know if she controls her BF the way your DS is being controlled, but she is incredibly immature and I know depended on a BF and he could not cope with her pressure.

DSD saved a lot of money and tried to get them a flat away from his mother. She told her BF her mother was suffocating and controlling him, said horrible things, demeaned her, really targeted her. His mother stood firm and according to DSD ‘didn’t allow’ her DS (19) to move in with her, which made DSD enraged and furious. Something tells me that mother is protecting her son and from the outside, I’m glad she has as moving in would have been a disaster. DSD was talking babies.

For DSDs sake I am also really glad that her BF didn’t move in with her. Whatever provokes this intensity in her to be all in on a BF and nothing else in her life, and to hate anyone who gets in her way, I think if she did cause her BF to get worse mentally, she’d feel devastated. I sometimes think she might one day hurt herself, or retaliate against some imagined slight, in a devastating way. I fear it and it wouldn’t surprise me. Someone has to put the brakes on her intensity for her as I don’t think she can do it herself.

DSD’s parents (I’m now separated from her Dad) do know she’s ‘difficult’, her mother couldn’t cope. But they did try their best, but in no way see how she can target people in a way that she did me in the past, and now has again, who would want to think that of their daughter I guess? DSDs parents were relieved when she got a BF who seemed decent and as they saw no issue, supported them to be together. To be honest her mother wanted her out of the house again.

Sorry I don’t know if that makes any kind of sense or is helpful in any way. But the targeting of a mother is similar. I don’t think your DS or his GF have the maturity or capacity to rein themselves in.

Sorry op but your son needs to know his mother respects herself not to be treated like that. His girlfriend wants his mother dead? And you are worried he won't forgive you if you try and protect yourself (no I don't think this stupid girl really is a danger in that way that she will convince your son to kill you) but she is clearly capable of lying and manipulating to a very serious level and completely would be happy to drag your name through the mud turn your son completely against you. I think you are leaving yourself open to much worse if you don't follow your husband's advice. She is a dangerous brat..your son needs a massive wake up call at how serious it is, that his gf throws threats like that around. At the end of the day you love your son and want to do what's best I understand it must be extremely difficult but it kind of sounds like you are just going round in circles.. I think you said you aren't going to get involved in the drama? Texting her useless parents and looking at your son's messages from the mum, what's really changed? I haven't got a teenage son but I'm thinking of my son now as a teenager, sorry but he wouldn't be getting a private education from me for a start. I be telling him to start looking for public schools as I wouldnt be supporting his life style while he is with her. A 15 year old is ruining your lives right now! Take control I would say. But I'm not in your shoes and it's easy for me to say from my armchair. But I can't imagine how I could let a kid do this to my family.

@namechangemarch21 speaks a lot of sense here OP, please listen to her. I've had a similar situation in my own life. I now have that injunction. This girl is terrifying and she will destroy your family given the chance. PLEASE obtain that injunction, you are like me, not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to make things difficult for others by complaining but believe me, it will be you who suffers in the long term. It doesn't matter that she's a 15 year old kid. There is plenty of evidence of 15 year old psychopaths who have done some terrible things. The best thing you can do for this girl is to draw that line right now

Get that INJUNCTION 🌸

Sorry if someone’s already mentioned this but the BBC documentary ”abused by my girlfriend” might be an eye opener to your son if you can watch it where you are. It’s the story of a guy called Alex Skeel who met his girlfriend the same age as your son and his story explains the progression from his girlfriend controlling him and isolating his friends to the horrendous physical abuse he suffered.

Hi op I have been reading your thread and I have to say it has brought up so much from the past for me.
My son had a similar girlfriend she moved in at 16.
Anyway my husband and I went over on the day when the people in the flat had asked my son and girlfriend to leave. I thought it was that everyone was moving out. Anyway I was in the kitchen, and she was there and right in front of me she punched the microwave. I was stunned and was looking to get out of there. I just couldn't believe she did this. No one saw this happen but her and me. What could I say. Anyway both my son and her moved out. I think she moved in with her mother then with my son. She had a hold over my son where she wanted him to tell her all about him and anything else she thought she could use against him. Anyway my son said she wanted a baby, and he was to be the father. Well it happened and thankfully her mother took her to the clinic and had an abortion. I am truly thankful we have no connection to her. My son and she moved out to their own flat. She would call the police on my son. He was so emotionally abused. It got to the point that we made a plan while she was waiting on him to show up at a family funeral that we picked up all his stuff and took him home. There was a time when we had her yelling and screaming from the bedroom window at my husband and I in the car. This is a titbit of my experience. Anyway she moved on to other boys and had children to them. I had to look up the news link yesterday and just to say she went to prison. She committed a terrible crime upon another. That person was assaulted badly. She face booked my son a few weeks ago he told me. They never give up. You want to do what's right in your mind, but you are fighting a lost cause with the likes of this one. Get protection for yourself. In this day and age people can say anything and get away with it. You're dealing with the crazy here.

"I know if I go down this path I will truly lose my son, I'm not sure he will forgive me."
No, I don't think you do "know" this. You fear this but he's 16!! At this age they'll threaten all sorts, without even half understanding the consequences of what they're saying/doing.
He might not forgive you for some time, but in the future he will almost certainly come to realise what a narrow escape he and the rest of your family have had.

"He is just so besotted by her...addicted to her."
If this was a drug he was addicted to, instead of a person, would you just sit back and let it run its course? No, you wouldn't. You would do your level best to help him separate from the source of his addiction - and I think you have to do the same with this girl, as though she were a class A drug.

All the rest of it - his thinking he's only anything with her, and that he can't stand to think of her with anyone else - that's all boggo standard "I'm so in lurve" bullshit that will wear off eventually, but I really agree with everyone saying that you need to take a stand NOW and put the AVO in place, to create a record of what's happening.
You can't afford to "be kind" to this girl - you might just as well "be kind" to a furious brown snake, you're going to get bitten anyway!

She clearly thinks and has said that I'm the one that has caused all this trouble so if I were to take it further it sort of proves her point, doesn't it?

No it doesn't. She obviously has quite severe mental health issues, they didn't suddenly occur because of her relationship with your son, that's just what's brought them to a head . Her parents have been pandering to her as it's makes their lives less of a nightmare, they should realise that she needs help.

You haven't done anything wrong.

No one other than the relevant officials, her family and your family need to know that you have taken out the injunction so you won’t ruin her life.

If you aren’t willing to do that then can you take DS away for a few weeks? Family who live elsewhere willing to say they need some help/ support and need you to go visit.

I wish you well, it’s a horrible situation

@ThumbWitchesAbroad these are really good points from this poster OP. I totally agree with this, you need to be more balanced in your thinking regarding his safety and the fact he is 16 and will probably as a man thank you one day for putting in clear boundaries with him.