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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

1000 replies

workworkworkugh · 19/04/2021 13:22

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

OP posts:
SamusIsAGirl · 22/04/2021 11:05

It is a sad fact that teens are perfectly capable of killing other people. I would not dismiss that death threat = I'm pretty sure she is of an age of criminal responsibility and that death threats are a crime.

She sounds impulsive and unable or unwilling to appreciate the consequences of her actions so don't shrug this off - get the police involved and don't let them fob you off.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 22/04/2021 12:00

Unfortunately, I think having read the message you should follow up with a restraining order. It was followed with the 'can't you see that? I've told you' messages that made it seem less like a 'joke' and more like a continuing theme.

To be totally honest, if it were me, I would have been firmer about no contact this week - with her or her mum. You all need a week away from them!
But I may have missed something pertinent there.

FeedMeSantiago · 22/04/2021 12:13

I would take out the restraining order. Like PPs my concern is that if you don't it's easier in the future for your (valid) concerns to be dismissed because you chose not to take out the restraining order. Especially if she ends up accusing your DS of something awful.

It may also trigger the intervention she clearly so desperately needs - it's clear that her parents are burying their heads in the sand.

I agree with you that it is very likely she and your DS are having sex.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2021 12:18

Just kill your mum and bub
We will be happy
Cant you see that
It’s her

I don’t understand why she’s put bub after “your mum”. It reads 2 ways:

1 Kill your mum and her bub (husband, his dad)
2 Just kill your mum
And bub we will be happy

But explanation 2 seems more clumsy than 1 imo. This is an eloquently written piece. Almost poetry. She’s definitely pretty clever.

Lolapusht · 22/04/2021 12:18

Get the restraining order. She has made you the villain as it it absolves her (and her parents) of all responsibility. I’m guessing that if there is not enough evidence then the court will not grant the RO ie it’s not just a piece of paper you’ve printed off...a legal process has been followed and a judge believes that a RO is warranted ie a 3rd party has looked at the evidence before them about her behaviour and deemed it justified to issue a RO.

Even if you don’t get the RO you will still be the villain as she needs a drama catalyst and you’re the thing she is using to control your DS...she only does these things because of you etc. Do you even know what she wants you to do? Just let them get on with it? If she’s basically saying you’re ruining their perfect relationship then logically, if you step back she will be the perfect girlfriend who no longer controls your DS. She will let him see his friends, play his sport, not threaten him with being dumped or hooking up with other boys and all the other stuff she has done.

You are doing phenomenally well at dealing with this. I don’t think there is one solution that is going to work because she is full blown manipulator/whatever. If you get the RO it may what she needs to change her behaviour but I have a feeling that this incident is going to be the start of a life of unreasonable behaviour and that is on her parents and her.

And I would definitely tell her mum to stop texting your son! What is she doing????!!!!

hannayeah · 22/04/2021 12:19

@workworkworkugh

I'm not purposely trying to be difficult, but some of her messages have blamed me for her mental health and so I think if she were to harm herself in anyway for what I've done I'd never forgive myself. I also think the police would encourage me to forget it and move on as she is so young. She clearly thinks and has said (and probably her parents) that I'm the one that has caused all this trouble so if I were to take it further it sort of proves her point, doesn't it? That I'm an asshole out to get to a 15yo?
You didn’t cause her to behave this way.

Nothing on the planet could have caused most of us to behave this way at any age.

You are not causing this nor responsible for any of her actions. You don’t have that power of her.

The point of the restraining order is to give attempts to incite murder the attention it deserves.

What would you do if you read messages from her telling your son to kill another member of your family?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/04/2021 12:21

Jeez @workworkworkugh - don't let this little manipulator drag YOU into her web as well!!

She's 15, but she's already a master puppeteer - she needs someone along to cut the strings, don't become another of her puppets, please! It doesn't MATTER if you "prove her point" - her point is deeply devious and designed to entrap your son into this toxic pit of a "relationship" forever.

Her mental health is already fucked, well before you and your DS came on the scene. Maybe not in the way she's currently suggesting, but it is definitely NOT down to you.

crosstalk · 22/04/2021 12:32

I don't understand the message you've posted if you say "bub" is a term of endearment between them. Who is the "bub" she's urging your DS to kill.?

MrsAudreyShapiro · 22/04/2021 12:40

I agree with pp, seek legal advice and get the restraining order if that's what the solicitor advises.

It doesn't matter what she thinks, if you "prove her point" or not. She is a child with a lot of problems, but you can't be the one to help her. Her poor mental health is neither your fault nor your responsibility.

BuffaloMozzarella · 22/04/2021 12:41

I think it should be read as all one sentence, like:

Kill your mum, and bub we will be happy.

wandawaves · 22/04/2021 13:02

Get an AVO. I'm not sure if you read my previous post, but did you speak to the DVLO at the station?

It's not your responsibility to "not ruin her life". She's threatened your life. You need to protect you and your family.

Justilou1 · 22/04/2021 13:13

Oh God, if you don’t get the AVO, I think you’re going to definitely cop the blame for any legal repercussions if she puts herself in hospital for “mental health” problems. This kid is seriously scary and she has it in for you. She is a “splitter”. Also, I don’t think the AVO would really wreck her life at 15. She is a minor and it wouldn’t “stick” forever. Once she’s an adult, assuming she learns to behave herself, it will be cleared from her record. It might actually be the thing she needs to get the CBT she needs. Also, she may not stick around the small town forever either (hopefully!)

Justilou1 · 22/04/2021 13:14

Oh, and you are concerned about not ruining her life, but what about the damage she’s doing to your son’s - or the rest of your family’s? She’s like a live bloody grenade waiting to detonate!

LookItsMeAgain · 22/04/2021 13:33

As your DS is so under her spell I'm wondering if there are any other girls in your town/city that might catch your DS's eye and he might actually see how a normal relationship is supposed to be? Is there anyone out there that is willing to turn your DS's head more than this one but in a more positive way???
He sounds so brainwashed that having some other girl interested in him might be the thing that jolts him out of this fog with psycho girl.
Just a thought I had.

MrsMiddleMother · 22/04/2021 13:38

The fact that your son is still seeing her and you haven't gotten a restraining order on her is basically saying to them that what she said is okay. If she harms herself that is HER choice and honestly I'd rather her hurt herself and finally get the help she so clearly needs than keep emotionally abusing my son. She's 15 but well aware of her actions and the whole town should know to keep their sons away from her.

namechangemarch21 · 22/04/2021 13:40

OP this might seem an odd example but she reminds me of someone I dealt with professionally in a previous life.

I was this person's line manager, and I suspect she must have had some sort of personality disorder but without going into detail imagine how this girl might act in the workplace and you'll have some idea. It was like a totally different person to the one who had been at interview came to work. It became immediately clear this person could not be exposed to our clients, based on her behaviour with people she did interact with, and so the decision was made (higher up than me) to terminate her contract while under probation, literally in the first few weeks, based on interactions she'd had with senior management.

We had got legal advise, everything was done by the book, she had no legal recourse, but we had a public contract at that time and she used whistleblowing legislation to claim she had uncovered our misuse of public funds and was dismissed in retaliation. It was a complete fiction, but obviously cost a lot of money and reputational damage to disprove. Reading her statements, and the few times I had to meet her as part of the process, really highlighted to me how disturbed and manipulative she was. She fixated on me as the orchestrator of her downfall.

We had documentary proof that showed I wasn't the person who had led her dismissal, but she still argued that I had manipulated everyone out of dislike for her and fear she would uncover my (imaginary) wrongdoing. In reality, I had been nice to her, if increasingly concerned and alarmed, and hadn't even got to the point of raising my concerns with management before they came to me. I really think she believed at least some of her own lies, not at the beginning but that she came to. I worked along her for only a few weeks but I still, many years later, feel she is someone who would try and do wrong to me if she ever had the opportunity - like I have an enemy out there who wishes me ill.

That is exactly your scenario with this girl. People like this do not grow out of it. She will not become more mature, she is very unlikely to fundamentally change. Something is wrong with her. And she will use your son to feel better, and she will continue her vendetta against you because when something is wrong with you on a fundamental level it is a lot easier to have a clear 'villain' you can blame it all on, especially when you are being enabled by people around you.

A v different scenario I know but I cannot tell you how relieved I was that we had documented everything we needed to, and I think you need to do the same. Imagine you find yourself, worst case scenario, in a few years supporting your son in fighting for custody of your grandchild, or defending your son against allegations from her. You need the restraining order - you need proof your family took threats from her seriously. You need to be accessing domestic violence support from the police as much as you can, and making records of what has been told to the school, what they say, basically as much external support and proof you can get.

What is happening will be twisted and distorted by her, and while its impossible to know the best way to support your son - and I think what you're trying now probably is the right choice - you can't allow yourself to become unclear about what is going on, or her motivation. She is an abuser, and you need to keep that to the front of your mind at all times.

FeedMeSantiago · 22/04/2021 14:11

Imagine you find yourself, worst case scenario, in a few years supporting your son in fighting for custody of your grandchild, or defending your son against allegations from her. You need the restraining order - you need proof your family took threats from her seriously.

This!

PopperUppleton · 22/04/2021 14:16

It sounds like this teen girl is crying out for some firm boundaries. She's obviously never been given them by her family. Although it's not your responsibility to set her boundaries, it absolutely is your responsibility to set boundaries for yourself and your family. She has cast you as villain and it doesn't matter how to try to appease her, it will never work. She doesn't want to be appeased.

Get the restraining order and add the layer of safety to your family that is possible for you to do.

And yes, your DH needs to step up and start being heard.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 15:09

OP... draw a line in the sand.

Get the restraining order.

You will feel better, it will provide clarity and protection, because lets be honest. She got away with it all, she is laughing at you and your boundaries.

🌸

SlightlyJaded · 22/04/2021 15:09

To be clear here OP

Her parents have completely failed and enabled her. She is accountable to noone, and THAT is why this is being allowed to continue for so long.

Until someone in authority calls her to account, she will continue to blame, manipulate, lie, abuse and brainwash your DS.

Her parents aren't going to do that. They've repeatedly proved that they are rolling their eyes at you behind your back. Fuck them.

Fuck her and her reputation also.

And if this carries on, it will be 'Fuck your DS because he chose his path'.

So as the only people with any sense or perspective, I'm afraid it DOES fall to you and your DH to take action which should absolutely start with a restraining order. All the nice shit has to stop. She needs to be confronted with the severity of her behaviour and forced to deal with it - however she chooses (counselling, whatever).

It's not your fault/responsibilty to deal with her, but in order to save your DS, you don't have a choice. So please get the restraining order. The girl is dangerous. She might not REALLY mean that she wants you killed. But what if.... what if... your DS went to a party one night. And then what if he took some kind of hallucinogen - you know 'for a laugh' and what if, out of his normal state of thinking, he decided that actually he loves her so much....

And although that's an extreme and highly unlikely scenario, she is still dangerous. She is abusing your son in plain sight.

I am so so sorry for the position you find yourself in and you have been amazing, but please, see this through.

Dogfan · 22/04/2021 15:30

It's obviously a highly toxic relationship and your son is being controlled and manipulated. Take a look at the advice here www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor. I think the reality is he doesn't know how to leave and you telling him he should is possibly not helping. I would focus on being a supportive parent and showing him you are there for him, if he decides to leave you will support him. There might be a social worker angle or you could get him some therapy sessions to help him see the light?

FireflyRainbow · 22/04/2021 17:41

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Sitchervice · 22/04/2021 17:43

@FireflyRainbow seriously you think this is fake!? She has photographic evidence!

DeRigueurMortis · 22/04/2021 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Faultymain5 · 22/04/2021 17:46

@AnotherKrampus

Also, given his age, shame on him for completely downplaying her asking him to kill you. I must confess, I would personally struggle to reconcile his utter betrayal and disloyalty and at this point bow out.
This is how I felt when I first read the update.
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