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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a major red flag in a relationship?

82 replies

Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:05

A very close friend has met a man. She's a single mother of a small child.
She's competent and strong but her confidence is knocked by her divorce and has taken to comfort eating which means she's put on about 6 stone.
I think she's attractive but she's always been slim and this is making HER feel bad about herself.
Anyway, she's met a guy in his thirties. She's utterly and completely besotted. He seems to be a nice guy but he 's still at home and, apart from rare odd job, never worked.
He's making noises about moving in with her. I think his folks want him out. Now as I said he doesn't seem like a bast* or anything but in thirties and no plans or job seems a major red flag to me.
Perhaps I am missing something because he does seem charming and I'm not getting any vibes that he's the potential for violence or anything.
It's none of my business but the combination of still living at home AND long-term unemployment (not as if he's living with parents saving up for a place) with no plans at that age screams red flag to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 19/04/2021 09:09

How long have they been together?
What does your friend say about his lack of employment? Does she not find it offputting?

If they haven't been together long, then surely even without the unemployment, it is a stupid move to move in together so soon, especially with a vulnerable kid. Easy way to kill the romance!

FireflyRainbow · 19/04/2021 09:11

YANBU!

An0n0n0n · 19/04/2021 09:20

How long have they known eachother? It doesn't sound like long and I'd be very concerned about her introducing a partner to a child that soon, never mind moving them in.

Eveyone in the divorce has suffered a lot of change and IMO now isn't the time to be getting a serious partner and she needs to focus on building her child's sense of security.

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:36

They've known each other a few years, 'hooked up' a few times but he always told me they were 'just good mates' and he regarded her as 'one of the boys'. I know his parents are putting pressure on him to 'do something'.

OP posts:
MajorMujer · 19/04/2021 09:39

Why did you mention her weight gain op ?

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:41

I mentioned it because it's denting her confidence badly.

OP posts:
Pugdogmom · 19/04/2021 09:41

So many red flags, and I certainly wouldn't be moving someone in a few months after I had met them. Especially if I had children. This can be how paedophiles work, gaining trust of a vulnerable woman, and grooming. I really hope I am wrong.

Has he had previous relationships? I'd want to know far more about him.

MajorMujer · 19/04/2021 09:43

Ah, I understand now.
Yes I would be very concerned in that case.

Pugdogmom · 19/04/2021 09:43

Right ok, I see they have known each other a few years. I still wouldn't though.

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:44

Oh no I must state here I 'm in no way sensing that he's got any vile sexual preferences. I know what MY opinion is of him but I don't want to put words into people's mouths. But I've absolutely no fears of him being a pervert.

OP posts:
DuchessOfBuggerAll · 19/04/2021 09:45

So do you know him? How do you 'know' that his parents are pressuring him - in your OP you said you 'think' his parents want him out.
I presume a 'bast*' is a bastard?
And quite what her weight has got to do with anything is beyond my comprehension.

UniversitySerf · 19/04/2021 09:46

Even if he is nice guy no woman should saddle herself with a work shy sponger. In covid times a lot of hard working people are struggling to find work but he has had years of not bothering to work.

Jobsharenightmare · 19/04/2021 09:49

I'm a little confused. You have talked to this guy about your friend in the past? They knew each other during her marriage? I think it makes a difference if they've actually got some history together, whereas in your OP I got the impression they've met at a vulnerable time for her.

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:50

My friend says his folks are putting pressure on him and it makes perfect sense to me that no parents nearing 60 want their 30-something son bumming around in their house forever.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 19/04/2021 09:51

Yep red flags.

Not a lot you can do / say though.

What is the reason for his unemployment? Lazy?

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 09:51

I'd be worried too, not necessarily of abuse but certainly of her being exploited for her home and money. If your self esteem is in tatters for any reason, you will be at a greater risk of making poor relationship choices.

I think all you can do is warn her nicely not to let this adult man get completely reliant on her and make it clear you'll be there for her no matter what, so if something does go wrong she will know she has you.

skirk64 · 19/04/2021 09:51

TBH he just sounds like a loser who has never had to get out of bed and work so has never bothered. You friend needs to be clear with him that if he is going to live with her, he needs to pay half the bills. Maybe trial living together for a few months and see if he gets his act together, if not she can kick him out.

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:53

They've hooked up after her divorce been friendly for a couple of years. His parents now want him out and he wants to move in with my friend. Hope that makes things clearer.

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 19/04/2021 09:55

On the outside my DH probably looked like this to other people (although he did have a job). He had a flat he was renting out and no one knew because why would they. People’s attitudes to him changed a lot when they found that out.

Whatisthisfuckery · 19/04/2021 09:58

Two words, cock lodger.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/04/2021 09:58

Yanbu. Unfortunately people tend to learn lessons the hard way. Any warning you might offer might actually backfire.

Janaih · 19/04/2021 09:58

Does your friend work? Is she getting universal credit? She will also lose single discount for council tax. I would advise her to look at the financial implications of letting this potential Cocklodger move in.

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 09:59

@Covywovy

They've hooked up after her divorce been friendly for a couple of years. His parents now want him out and he wants to move in with my friend. Hope that makes things clearer.
I bet he does. Does he want a job? Why has he never worked? That's not usually attractive to women.
EL8888 · 19/04/2021 10:01

A world of red flags right there. Especially him making noises about wanting to move in. Surely you wait to be invited as it’s her place and he needs to be able to pay his own way to do that. Or does he think she can take over subsiding him, like his parents have been doing?

Triffid1 · 19/04/2021 10:04

hahaha, so they were a FWB situation until his parents started making noises and now suddenly he's in a relationship wit her?

OP, you are absolutely right to see red flags all over this one. And I'd go further and say that while often cocklodgers almost end up there by mistake due to a sense of entitlement, this guy feels quite calculating to me. She was good enough for a shag and a pint before but suddenly he wants more now.... ?

I have no idea if you can convince your friend of any of this, but if it was me I'd be gently telling her that if she moves him in she needs to be 100% clear that he can't make her life harder/ more expensive (of course, it should make her life easier/less expensive, but I'd stake next months' salary that he's convinced her that as she's already paying for her and her DS, the absolute most he should contribute is any increased costs as a result of him living with her).