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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a major red flag in a relationship?

82 replies

Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:05

A very close friend has met a man. She's a single mother of a small child.
She's competent and strong but her confidence is knocked by her divorce and has taken to comfort eating which means she's put on about 6 stone.
I think she's attractive but she's always been slim and this is making HER feel bad about herself.
Anyway, she's met a guy in his thirties. She's utterly and completely besotted. He seems to be a nice guy but he 's still at home and, apart from rare odd job, never worked.
He's making noises about moving in with her. I think his folks want him out. Now as I said he doesn't seem like a bast* or anything but in thirties and no plans or job seems a major red flag to me.
Perhaps I am missing something because he does seem charming and I'm not getting any vibes that he's the potential for violence or anything.
It's none of my business but the combination of still living at home AND long-term unemployment (not as if he's living with parents saving up for a place) with no plans at that age screams red flag to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ellenthegenerous · 19/04/2021 12:40

No no and thrice no. Cocklodger in waiting guaranteed. If he moved in, she will have a hell of a job getting shot of him. Please please talk to your friend.

Cocomarine · 19/04/2021 12:47

@suspiria777

what's a bast and what does her weight have to do with it?
Actually bother to read a thread that’s only 2 pages long and all will be revealed @suspiria777

Hell, you’d only need to read the OP threads.

You’re as lazy as the cocklodger!

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 12:53

They'd both be worse off financially if he moved in so he's not gaining anything in that way but he is gaining the following: nobody to nag him, all housework done, meals cooked. A besotted woman who he doesn't have to impress.
There's obviously something amiss with him so maybe this suits him.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 19/04/2021 12:54

If she’s in need of a self esteem boost, then she may see him wanting to move in of confirmation that he really loves her.

I think you need to impress on her that, especially as we get older, moving in together is not a natural next step and show of love and commitment.

Unfortunately, when your self esteem is down, being told that you’re being bloody stupid in this decision is counter production. Being told you’re making bad decisions doesn’t build the confidence you need to make good decisions.

I would point out gently, but not labour, the point about convenient timing.

I would be perhaps neutral rather than negative about him moving in, and then focus on the practicalities - “will be able to pay his share though?” / won’t it annoy you to be paying for him?”

Of course - you know your friend... if it’s going to work to tell she needs her bloody head reading, then go for it!

Because you’re right... these red flags are as big as they come. Very obvious.

And you know what? Even if he was the loveliest guy with no red flags, whose parents wanted him to stay forever - she still should move him in and subsidise him.

Cocomarine · 19/04/2021 12:55

@Covywovy

They'd both be worse off financially if he moved in so he's not gaining anything in that way but he is gaining the following: nobody to nag him, all housework done, meals cooked. A besotted woman who he doesn't have to impress. There's obviously something amiss with him so maybe this suits him.
Why would she be worse off? Losing tax credits?
Heysiriyouknob · 19/04/2021 12:58

I know a bloke like that, he's 40 now. His mum did kick him out when he was 35, he got a shit job and a bedsit.

He openly says that he's looking for a single mum with a house he can move into.

And openly says he's looking for a single mum with low self esteem.

He's a cunt.

Cocomarine · 19/04/2021 12:59

@Heysiriyouknob and the really sad thing, is that he’ll accomplish his “goal” pretty easily, going by the many threads on here 😢

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 13:00

@Heysiriyouknob

I know a bloke like that, he's 40 now. His mum did kick him out when he was 35, he got a shit job and a bedsit.

He openly says that he's looking for a single mum with a house he can move into.

And openly says he's looking for a single mum with low self esteem.

He's a cunt.

Why does he want a mother in particular?
katy1213 · 19/04/2021 13:03

She must be the answer to his parents' prayers!

ElaborateSalad · 19/04/2021 13:05

I didn't have two pennies together when I met DH at 29, and I hadn't worked in a decade. Falling in love and finally having stability in my life (after years of chaos) allowed me to turn my thoughts to other things and I now have a career. I'm very glad that the world didn't give up on me because I had nothing at that age.

Horehound · 19/04/2021 13:05

So what have you said to her?

Yes definitely a red flag and she shouldn't proceed with a relationship.

Bluedeblue · 19/04/2021 13:06

How would he pay his half of the bills if he has no job? That would be a big fat NO from me. Maybe ask your friend whether she's prepared to support him financially? She would be mad to, in my opinion.

Heysiriyouknob · 19/04/2021 13:13

@DrSbaitso because he thinks they will be even more desperate and willing to go out with him if they have kids as no one else will want them with kids in tow, and he doesn't want kids of his own so he thinks he won't be "nagged" into having one if a woman already has her own.

He's been looking for a few years. He's absolutely repulsive in many ways, so thank fully no one has gone near him.

He really is a nasty sod.

(He's an old primary school "friend" I'm only loosely in touch as other mutual friends are).

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 13:15

[quote Heysiriyouknob]@DrSbaitso because he thinks they will be even more desperate and willing to go out with him if they have kids as no one else will want them with kids in tow, and he doesn't want kids of his own so he thinks he won't be "nagged" into having one if a woman already has her own.

He's been looking for a few years. He's absolutely repulsive in many ways, so thank fully no one has gone near him.

He really is a nasty sod.

(He's an old primary school "friend" I'm only loosely in touch as other mutual friends are).[/quote]
What a lovely guy. Lucky he hasn't succeeded so far...

GoWalkabout · 19/04/2021 13:20

My dm married someone who needed a mum. It kind of works for them. I guess your friend is looking for someone non threatening.

Hagqueen · 19/04/2021 13:24

Oh god i could write this exact scenario about a friend.

He never got a proper job, even part time, did the barest hint of freelance that brought about £30 a month in, refused to get job seekers because that meant job seeking.

She married him.

She’s unhappy, and very broke. And STILL won’t kick him back to mummy and daddy’s.

Its infuriating.

Incywincyspinsters · 19/04/2021 13:26

@GoWalkabout

My dm married someone who needed a mum. It kind of works for them. I guess your friend is looking for someone non threatening.
Fine, but she is also getting someone who is non-earning and non-contributing and non-useful.
Monr0e · 19/04/2021 13:32

You say in your op that he is making noises about moving in but you don't day what she thinks about it.

Is she wanting this too? Has she asked your opinion or just to you? Is she not concerned how this will affect her small child?

BreatheAndFocus · 19/04/2021 13:33

Perhaps phrase it as ‘lovely’ they’re together, but best to ‘let’ him be independent, do his course and find his own place? That way she won’t be so defensive and might listen more.

They could still be in a relationship but keep separate homes. An added bonus is hell then hopefully reveal more about his motives.

Red flags everywhere, yes. My ex lived with his parents. He’s a self-centred bastard who thinks women are put on this Earth to wait upon him. In order to get women, he pretends to be nice, tries to convince the current woman that they’re special and have a special bond, he’s a well-practised actor....you get the idea. Manipulative and ultimately abusive.

Cocomarine · 19/04/2021 13:55

@ElaborateSalad

I didn't have two pennies together when I met DH at 29, and I hadn't worked in a decade. Falling in love and finally having stability in my life (after years of chaos) allowed me to turn my thoughts to other things and I now have a career. I'm very glad that the world didn't give up on me because I had nothing at that age.
That’s lovely for you.

But honestly @ElaborateSalad even having been through it yourself...

Out of 100 people who haven’t worked their entire 20s who then move in with someone else, how many do you think are like you, and how many do you think are along for the ride? Honestly?

And when you moved in with your boyfriend, was that because you both decided it - or was it because your parents decided they’d had enough?

I don’t doubt that there are some genuine people. But for most, no - your entire 20s (and more: this guy is in his 30s, not 30) not working and I’d be telling any friend - not until you see a sustained work ethic.

Triffid1 · 19/04/2021 14:46

@Cocomarine Agree completely. Of course there's the odd person who is not what the rest of us all think, but it's actually pretty unusual and in almost every case where I've seen someone who is not working, sponging off parents etc... that person (male or female) continues to behave in such a way in the future.

A colleague once tried to set me up with someone who had previously worked at the firm I was working at. Our mutual (male) boss, overhearing the conversation, jumped in to say, "Triffid would never date Bob - he still lives with his parents." He knew me well! Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 19/04/2021 14:59

Yep seems very convenient, that all of a sudden she's not one of the "boys" now he needs a place to live (probably rent free) she sounds like a close friend so I would certainly tell her what you really think but she is likely to ignore it

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 19/04/2021 15:07

Yup I knew someone like this. He was a massive freeloader. Id encourage her not to move in with him, just carry on dating and see how things pan out.

greeneyedlulu · 19/04/2021 15:28

Wow! Grab your friend firmly by the shoulders and shake her awake before it's too late. As a single mum who was working, I lost loads of benefits, working tax credits etc when my partner moved in (though he was working and paying his way) so she has to consider this and put her child first as this cocklodger isn't going to be bringing much to this relationship.

Elieza · 19/04/2021 15:58

He needs to get himself a flat and some independence. Do a course or get a job.

She needs to believe that there are nice guys out there and that her weight gain is a temporary thing and that she deserves the best. He’s not the only one that will be interested. If she wants him fine, but date him while he’s in rented accommodation. Not shacked up with her or she’ll regret it.

She should put her child first. Not him. He’s a grown man.