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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a major red flag in a relationship?

82 replies

Covywovy · 19/04/2021 09:05

A very close friend has met a man. She's a single mother of a small child.
She's competent and strong but her confidence is knocked by her divorce and has taken to comfort eating which means she's put on about 6 stone.
I think she's attractive but she's always been slim and this is making HER feel bad about herself.
Anyway, she's met a guy in his thirties. She's utterly and completely besotted. He seems to be a nice guy but he 's still at home and, apart from rare odd job, never worked.
He's making noises about moving in with her. I think his folks want him out. Now as I said he doesn't seem like a bast* or anything but in thirties and no plans or job seems a major red flag to me.
Perhaps I am missing something because he does seem charming and I'm not getting any vibes that he's the potential for violence or anything.
It's none of my business but the combination of still living at home AND long-term unemployment (not as if he's living with parents saving up for a place) with no plans at that age screams red flag to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 19/04/2021 10:08

A further warning to your friend. Men like this will sometimes get a job (often part time) to 'prove' he'll pay his way. Then, as soon as his feet are under the woman's table, will leave the job for spurious reasons, so the woman becomes his financial support forever more.

PrincessPea11 · 19/04/2021 10:12

I understand why you mention her weight gain leaving her feeling low and not her usual confident self hence perhaps more susceptible to men with a less than honourable agenda. Been there!

I also get what you're saying in that he's probably not a monster and he is known to your friend and her circle including you so it's hopefully nothing sinister, him wanting to move in with her and DC. If they get on they there's no reason a relationship couldn't develop.

However, I agree that it all sounds a bit convenient for him, parents want him out, your friend newly (ish) single and more likely to say 'yes' to him moving in. It would certainly save him getting his act together, finding regular work and a flat deposit.

There's not a lot you can do if she does agree to him moving in but I would encourage her to get to know him in a romantic capacity by dating, and absolutely not to let him move in, even on a 'temporary' basis, as it could be hard to get him out if things don't work out and not the best for her child.

Also, as a competent woman, doesn't she want an equal rather than someone who seems to have failed to launch to some extent? If she talks about her feelings regarding weight gain, remind her that even if she doesn't feel her best at the moment, this in no way lessens her value and that this man should be making the effort with her, not eying her up as a convenient landlady.

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 10:14

OK, My opinion of this guy is that for whatever reason - mental illness or just plain laziness-he is effectively useless at life and needs a replacement mother as his current one has had enough of him bumming around.
The consensus seems to be that, too. I didn't say that from the off as I didn't want to put words into people's mouths so just stuck to the facts.
Thanks.

OP posts:
SocioLogica · 19/04/2021 10:15

Can he drive? If so, play ball.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 10:15

Bastard kids, never getting a bastard job.

Yep, I'd want rid of him too. Sounds a bastarding bastard Grin

SarahBellam · 19/04/2021 10:17

He’s a cock lodger in waiting.

Taikoo · 19/04/2021 10:18

He's a potential cocklodger.
No wonder his folks want shot of him.

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 10:22

@Covywovy

OK, My opinion of this guy is that for whatever reason - mental illness or just plain laziness-he is effectively useless at life and needs a replacement mother as his current one has had enough of him bumming around. The consensus seems to be that, too. I didn't say that from the off as I didn't want to put words into people's mouths so just stuck to the facts. Thanks.
A SAHD is one thing and that setup works well for many couples. This situation, being a substitute mummy for someone who just can't do life...I have never ever seen it make a woman happy.
Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 10:23

Cocklodger-in-waiting? 😂

OP posts:
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 19/04/2021 10:26

She’ll basically become his Mother, it’s such a bad idea. His parents want him out because he’s probably a lazy git who doesn’t contribute, she will end up saddled with the same problem if she lets him move in.

fairycakes1234 · 19/04/2021 10:27

@DuchessOfBuggerAll

So do you know him? How do you 'know' that his parents are pressuring him - in your OP you said you 'think' his parents want him out. I presume a 'bast*' is a bastard? And quite what her weight has got to do with anything is beyond my comprehension.
did you not read her post, shes talking about the weight gain because she is lacking confidence, is that beyond your comprehension, honestly, nasty for the sake of it
Ellie56 · 19/04/2021 10:27

Hmm so he wants to go from sponging off his parents to sponging off your friend?

Massive red flags. Perhaps if she tells him he will need to pay rent and half the bills, he might not be so keen to move in?

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/04/2021 10:35

She needs to give her head a wobble. He'll be a nightmare to get rid of when she's had enough of him. Agree with the he's looking for another mother comments.

notalwaysalondoner · 19/04/2021 10:35

Is he not working at all? Definite red flag for me, although I have a couple of friends with long term partners who, although working, are definite 'no prospects' types - one a works a few shifts in a coffee shop despite having a good university education, the other 'makes music' but doesn't really have any income and probably never will. They're nice men though and they treat their female partners well, so I try not to judge, but I would find it hard having a partner with so little drive, ambition, or financial contribution to the household.

Rewis · 19/04/2021 10:40

Are they actually in a relationships with each other?

Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 10:51

Well it seems that they've gone from being fwb to something more serious at the same point at his parents putting pressure on him to move out and do an educational course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Covywovy · 19/04/2021 10:59

Anyway, he is 30 something and never worked.
'How' they got together IS important of course in that him falling desperately in love with her is better than him turning it from a fwb to 'relationship', as it is convenient, however, he's still useless at life.
I mean this not in a rude way but the overarching thing for me is that he's in his thirties, either mentally ill/lazy to work. And still at home.
These three things combined make him not suitable for relationship.

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 19/04/2021 11:05

So his great love for her coincided with needing a place to live and someone to pay his
bills? Romantic, stuff of dreams right there. Hmm

Can’t she see this?

eatsleepread · 19/04/2021 11:06

Oh no, what a loser. I couldn't have any respect for someone like this.

leftistbimbo · 19/04/2021 11:08

YANBU. If this was my friend I’d be telling her not to move him in until he has a means of paying the bills.

Damnloginpopup · 19/04/2021 11:36

They hung a smaller one over the Reichstag in 1945

Dontbeme · 19/04/2021 11:38

So he is a classic Hobosexual then? Can your friend not see his interest increased when his parents nudged him to get his arse into gear? Would she listen to sense OP or is she full love goggles?

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 11:51

What exactly does she see in him? Most women would be really put off by a man in his 30s who lived with his parents and has never worked. Does she feel so worthless that she will take anything or is there an actual trait that attracts her, like amazing guitar playing or something?

suspiria777 · 19/04/2021 12:00

what's a bast and what does her weight have to do with it?

Bananalanacake · 19/04/2021 12:25

Be firm, tell her what a cocklodger is, if she doesn't already know. Point out she will lose her council tax single person discount. Ask if she really wants to live with a lazy arsehole, point out she can be in a relationship with him and live separately. If she really wants to live with him could she stipulate that he only moves in when he has held a full time job for 8 months.