To think you can't judge someone by one mistake

[ButtonMoony]

YABU - people never change
YANBU - without all the details you shouldn't judge.

Prompted by another thread about a bloke who did prison time for punching someone. Lots of comments deciding he is a violent man and likely to be again in the future without knowing ANY fact.

Also prompted by my own experience.

Never any trouble with the police for 40 plus years. Successful business woman, PTA blah blah.

Husband left, business crashed, I had a full on mental breakdown. Crisis teams, inpatient treatment, sectioned, the works.

During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for drink driving.

So. Should I be judged by people for the rest of my life and deemed a threat to people as I might do it again (I won't. Sober. Re married. Back in employment) or should people consider overall circumstances before making a snap decision about someone based on one mistake.

[Bluntness100]

Like lots of people i used to drive the day after a night out

I’m really not sure why you keep saying lots habe done it or indicating it. It doesn’t make it more ok,

[LolaButt]

Still full of excuses.

[LesserBother]

It was 11:30 in the morning after some drinks the night before. Someone else ran up the back of me, and I blew slightly over. Slightly enough that an hour later it wouldn't have been an issue

And the minimisation continues, you obviously still don't recognise that what you did was wrong and don't seem to have accepted full responsibility for it. It reads that you think you were unlucky to get caught.

The thing is, people who are killed by one punch or by drunk drivers don't get second chances. I have little sympathy with the ones making the mistakes complaining that they're not being given a second chance.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You absolutely aw justifying it. Your whole post is precisely about justifying and excusing it and suggesting the circumstances mitigate the conviction.

[CeibaTree]

I voted YABU as it's not a simple black and white issue. There are some 'mistakes' that really show a person's character. Your situation is in no way comparable with killing someone with a punch..

[shreddednips]

I think sometimes people can change, and sometimes it just indicates something deep-rooted in their personality. It really depends what they did. Generally, I think for me it depends on the kind of insight someone has into what they did- whether they have taken steps to really understand why they did it and face up to their responsibility for it, and whether they have taken every action possible to change the patterns of thinking and behaviour that led to it.

I'm not sure that framing something like drink driving or punching someone as a 'mistake' is really facing up to reality and seems minimising. A mistake implies accidental carelessness or forgetfulness, like leaving the cooker on. Punching someone is a decision, not a mistake in my book. Thinking of it as a mistake distances the person from responsibility I think.

So yes, I think people can probably change even after doing something pretty bad if they have the insight and determination to address it.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I think it depends on all the circumstances. And your own judgment of the person once you get to know them.

[denverRegina]

"I never for one second imagined I could still be over the limit at nearly lunchtime."

So all the "successful business woman, PTA blah blah" stuff wasn't quite accurate then? That person wouldn't have missed all of the relentless campaigns about not drinking and driving the next day. Or they'd at least be able to "imagine it for a second".

[suggestionsplease1]

Everything goes in to forming the background understanding of who a person is and what's possible for them depending on circumstances. They might be horrific circumstances, but if those circumstances repeat again there is that possibility there.

It is harsh, because someone else might never have been challenged in the same way, so they almost get a free pass on judgement because they have never been under such immense stress - they've never been tested in the same way, and they might well act similarly.

However I imagine there are also other people who have been tested under extreme strain and they still are capable of retaining good judgement and acting carefully. So yes, understanding or judgement of these people is likely to be different.

And of course external understanding and judgement of people is flawed - people might be suspicious after a person's mistake but actually that person has made such great strides in addressing underlying reasons etc, that they are at a far less risk of making similar poor choices in future challenging circumstances compared to someone who has never been tested in the same way.

[HerMammy]

OP I’m sure you’ve seen here in MN that it is full of extremely judgemental people who never venture outside their nice middle class bubble and think anyone who has ever been arrested or even questioned by the police should be locked up and shunned. A recent thread about a SW highlighted that.
I often wonder if they’d feel like that if it was their precious DC being judged forever for a one off mistake.

[worriedatthemoment]

Op this won't go well MN is very judgemental at the best of times and many will claim they have never done anything wrong ever , like I said speeding even a couple miles over limit could have serious consequences and is an offence.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

The judgement is based on peoples life experience.

Someone who has had their family destroyed by a drunk driver would absolutely judge you, people who haven't had that experience may be more forgiving.

Its the same for pretty much any situation really.

If you know you've changed and won't do it again then why are you bothered by what others think?

[worriedatthemoment]

@HerMammy exactly

[YellowGlasses]

I agree that it depends on the person and what the mistake was.

OP, I wouldn’t judge you for your mistake.

[Bluntness100]

How long ago was this op? Was it a very long time? In the early eighties the next day Impact wasn’t very well known. But since then it’s been relentlessly campaigned upon and it would be hard not to know.

[steppemum]

I know a number of people who have turned their lives around.

recovering alcoholics and drug addicts for example.

In all things there is a spectrum though, it is not clear cut. So one recovering alcoholic may be living on the edge and any life event may send them plunging back over, and another, like one woman I know, has been a pillar of the community for 20 years. She is very clear that she is still a recovering alcoholic, but all the things which led to her drinking have changed, and she is not the same person she was, so I think it is unlikely that she would ever fall off the wagon now.

I have a close relative who was convicted of drunk driving as a student. He left a party blind drunk and the police found him trying to get his key in his car door. He says he is eternally thankful that they found him before he got in the car and drove, and the experience changed him forever. It was a massive wake-up call.
I think he is not the person he was then.

[Maggiesfarm]

I agree with you but I suppose it depends on the nature of the one mistake, how old the person was at the time and surrounding circumstances.

You've moved on since your drink driving conviction. Put it behind you! It's in your past.

I'd hate to be judged on my youthful mistakes, some of which make me cringe to remember! I daresay a lot of us on here are the same.

We can't beat ourselves up forever and it is quite rare for anyone to really get away with anything.

[Bluntness100]

I wouldn’t have judged you based on yout op.

But your subsequent posts you sort of changed it to “ha! It was next day, we all have done it, gotcha! “ and I would judge you for that.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

This post is a bit disingenuous OP - the OP of that thread 'thinks' a man got 13 years in prison for punching my someone once. Loads of us are saying, even if the one punch killed the man, it's unlikely that's the case. So yes I do judge someone who did something bad enough to get 13 years in prison

[worriedatthemoment]

@Bluntness100 even 90's it wasn't well known , amongst my friends we were all very careful of not driving on a night out even after one drink and got taxis or one person drank coke all night.
But all if us would of drove the next day as none of us was aware , that became apparent later after campaigns and people getting caught etc

[denverRegina]

"OP I’m sure you’ve seen here in MN that it is full of extremely judgemental people who never venture outside their nice middle class bubble and think anyone who has ever been arrested or even questioned by the police should be locked up and shunned"

😂😂 if you'd seen half the criminals and the impact of their behaviour and denial that I have then you'd be taking her car keys away too. Middle class bubble? Yeah, I fucking wish.

[poppycat10]

@HedgleyTheHedgehog

Isn't there a saying about a leopard?

Yes and it's completely wrong. People do change, and they do change their views about things.

[worriedatthemoment]

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows why others clearly showed that gbh etc can carry that sentence , just because you may not consider it the norm
The sentences that make papers are often the low ones

[worriedatthemoment]

@denverRegina which makes me think you work with them
Nice to know your impartial

[poppycat10]

@worriedatthemoment

Op this won't go well MN is very judgemental at the best of times and many will claim they have never done anything wrong ever , like I said speeding even a couple miles over limit could have serious consequences and is an offence.

Yes, and so many people claim they never break the law and never have, but clearly do when in their cars. I've told the story on here before about the colleague who claimed never to have broken the speed limit and then did that very evening when I was following her out of the venue we were at.