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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what kind of funeral you would like

127 replies

SylvieHortensis · 18/04/2021 08:53

I'm not a royalist but watched Prince Philip's funeral yesterday as I love a bit of British pomp and circumstance in the sunshine.

It got me thinking how much I hate 'normal' funerals - and I've been to a fair few including my parents.

What kind of send off would you like (if any)?

OP posts:
SheldonesqueHasGotTheWeevils · 18/04/2021 10:56

No fuss. No bother. No service or goodbye. Who wants to go on their last journey from an empty kirk anyway.

Under a tree, near water. Ideally with the ashes of my girl at my side. To walk with her ever more. Just us.

DinosApple · 18/04/2021 11:05

Buried, Catholic Requium Mass.

Ideally, burial in the churchyard just outside the church but that's unlikely since most Catholic churches don't have attached graveyards.

I cannot bear cremations - too much too-ing and fro-ing. I like it all done on one day.

SheldontheWonderSchlong · 18/04/2021 11:06

Direct cremation, definitely no funeral full of hypocritical people 'mourning' my loss when they couldn't be bothered with me when I was alive. Or worse - a funeral with hardly anyone there. I've been majorly disappointed by most people in my life, so can't imagine it'd be different once I'm dead!

CorianderBee · 18/04/2021 11:07

Bio pod burial on a hillside, campfire and everyone getting drunk around it.

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 18/04/2021 11:15

@SylviaIntense

My DM chose a humanist funeral for my DDad and it was a bit of a nightmare tbh. There were a couple of poems we wanted that the humanist celebrant vetoed because they were too "spiritual" ( think those "don't grieve I'm only in the next room" type poems). She was very clear that humanist funerals were not allowed to have a spiritual content

Sorry you had a bad experience. We had a humanist celebrant for my aunt's funeral and she suggested the very poem your celebrant vetoed.

I think we were unlucky tbh - but it did make it difficult - she was as rigid in her unbelief as a strict minister would have been about Christianity.

She was licensed by the humanist association (?) and she said it was their rules that she had to stick to because of that. We weren't in any fit state to argue with her, DM was calling the shots so I just had to bite my tongue.

We could have had a secular celebrant (not a humanist association one) but I only found that out later. DM thought the word Humanist sounded nice 🥴.

NorthernChinchilla · 18/04/2021 11:21

I've just done my Mum's and weirdly there were some upsides to the C19 restrictions. I liked the service being outside, and I liked us all being in a group around the coffin. Whilst Mum wanted a wake, I don't think i could have coped, so just sent everyone home with a bottle of champagne Smile
I definitely want to be buried too, as I have a weird affection for churchyards and gravestones...

Angrypregnantlady · 18/04/2021 11:28

Whatever my loved ones want, I'll be dead, I don't care.

saoirse31 · 18/04/2021 11:49

None. Cremated, ashes thrown into river in local park.

derxa · 18/04/2021 12:07

Church of Scotland service with a minister and some nice hymns.

Devlesko · 18/04/2021 12:13

Mine will be a big affair with dancing in the street and aisle of the church.
Music Sonny Rollins, Don't stop the Carnival.
There will be hundreds, the streets will be lined and there will no doubt be a Police prescence.
More than likely all the businesses will close in the area and mourners won't even be able to get a cup of tea.
There will be enough flowers to fill several churchyards and my plot is already marked out.
There will be claims of the Queen is dead, long live (my successor)
If I live long enough Grin

You did ask Grin

osbertthesyrianhamster · 18/04/2021 12:14

None. Direct cremation and ashes interred with my daughter.

felulageller · 18/04/2021 15:36

I want a burial not a cremation and a good quote on the gravestone.

My elderly relatives were all cremated and I don't like that they have no grave to visit and no record of their life the way a gravestone does.

CustardySergeant · 18/04/2021 15:48

Direct cremation and the crematorium can dispose of the ashes.

PurBal · 18/04/2021 16:04

@SylvieHortensis

People on MN often say "funerals are for the living..." but the living are often obliged to follow a tradition that might not bring them comfort.

Choosing a coffin, sitting in a grim crematorium, listening to someone (who is usually a stranger to the deceased) deliver a eulogy. This can bring more distress than comfort for many.

Funerals are for the living. But funerals have fewer obligations to traditions than say a wedding. I've never been to a funeral like the one you described. And I go to quite a few. Two that stand out from this year: one was over two days (coffin lay in the church overnight), one was a full requiem mass. For a relative of mine we has sweets handed out during the service and then had a sing along at the end (not hymns, a folk song). I agree that what you describe wouldn't be much comfort, I think it's important to put as much thought into it as you would a wedding.
Digcho · 18/04/2021 20:28

DH and I have funeral plans in place and paid for. I’d wanted straight to cremation, but DH and DC said that they’d prefer to have some sort of funeral for me, and really they are for the living to have a chance to say goodbye.

Susie477 · 18/04/2021 20:31

As long as there is no fucking religion involved, I couldn’t care less about the rest.

eaglejulesk · 18/04/2021 20:42

My elderly relatives were all cremated and I don't like that they have no grave to visit and no record of their life the way a gravestone does.

Don't you have plots for ashes? In my country parts of the cemetery is set aside for ashes. Smaller headstones but they are still there, just like the burial plots. The other alternative is a plaque in a memorial garden. Cremation is more usual here these days.

milveycrohn · 18/04/2021 21:02

My sister says she's chosen everything for her funeral, (hymns, music, readings, etc), which I thought a bit odd. However, A funeral gives us a chance to say 'goodbye ' to the deceased. It provides some sort of 'closure', to use a horrible word. At other funerals of close family, we have disagreed on some aspects, so it may be helpful to give some kind of guidance on what you think appropriate.
For example, although I personally do not believe in a God, it would not bother me if I had a normal but not too religious funeral (well I would be dead, so of course I wont mind).
So, I dont want my family scrabbling around thinking they would have to avoid all religious aspects. I was brought up in a Christian (not devout) household and there is some comfort in the familiarity. So I think I should document some vague ideas, as long as there is no long religious devout stuff, a hymn, or bible reading would be ok.

PicaK · 18/04/2021 21:04

One of the first things I did after my divorce came through was take out a funeral policy. So it's covered and the kids won't have to worry.
You've reminded me I need to fill out the wishes bit next.
Controversially I want flowers. Lots of flowers! But bunches of them rather than pricey letters.
And full on mourning Black. Black ties, black clothing, black shoes, free drinks for anyone embracing hats and veils etc.
Mostly I just want someone to comfort my kids I guess.

Animum2 · 18/04/2021 21:27

I'd like a direct cremation and ashes fired off in a firework

Notworking123 · 20/04/2021 01:12

Full on 90s rave.

Marguerite2000 · 20/04/2021 01:38

Direct cremation for me. The kids can decide what to do with my ashes and if they want to do anything in my memory.

Dunairbeanat · 20/04/2021 03:59

Direct cremation for me and my ashes scattered at Rhossili.

GreyPaw · 20/04/2021 06:55

I despise the way that funerals seem to take an already grieving group of people and deliberately add poignancy just to make the whole thing sadder. I'd rather not have one at all. All I've requested in my will is that I'm buried in some kind of eco coffin and buried in a natural burial plot, preferably not embalmed, so I can turn to compost asap and put something back into the earth (humanistic pagan). In my ideal world I would push up daisies and buttercups in a beautiful meadow and families could have picnics and walk dogs on top of me.

I'm tempted to buy a funeral plan so the kids don't have to worry about cost; they can chose to have a ceremony or not I suppose, depending on whatever they think would help.

iloveeverykindofcat · 20/04/2021 06:57

You know, I used to be absolutely terrified by the idea that one day I'd be dead, and think about what would happen at my funeral and so on. Then last summer, I was in a coma. Now I have no fear of any of it. Because I know - absolutely know for sure, in the most profound way - that I won't be there. Of course, I knew it intellectually, but it doesn't really come to you until you've had your brain 'switched off', for lack of a better word. I truly, honestly, have no preferences at all what happens to my body when I'm dead. If any bits are useful to the living, please, have at them, then dispose of the rest however you want. I know now that my body isn't me - my brain is.

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