Why does he act so horrid?

[Thereoncewasahorridmama]

DS was pulling grass up to throw at Daddy, all fine. Then he pulled up my leafy plants. I told him off and explained they grow flowers that feed the bees and butterflies and they'll get hungry and we don't want that do we.
He tells me he DOES want that
So I ask how he'd feel if someone took away his food so he was hungry?
He says he's like that (he's a terrible eater)
So I ask of he'd like to have a grumbly hungry tummy and to get so tired he'd have to be in bed every day (he's hyper and never still so he'd hate to be stuck in bed)
He said yes, that's exactly what he wants.

He does it with other stuff. He'll shout and wake the babies. I'll tell him off and tell him the babies will cry and be sad if they don't get sleep
He'll say good, he likes it when they cry.

He's nearly 6. He's lovely. He adores the babies. He always offers to give away his toy if he gets a duplicate (say McDonalds etc).

So why is he so oppositional? And I find it really triggering so we get into debates like the flower one. It normally ends with me saying I don't believe him because I know he's a nice boy etc, or me telling him to go and sit away from me if he's going to be so horrid (for example making the babies sad)

I just don't understand why he says it. He also never wants to do to school and doesn't want to do anything when he's older except sit on the sofa.

I know it's something I'm doing but I don't know how to fix it. I've pointed out other people might believe it and this he IS horrid but he doesn't seem to care

but a simple 'don't do it they will die if you do' is explanation enough - you don;t need all the faff and hungry tummy stuff it's silly - also he's FIVE stop debating with him

You're allowing him to pull up the grass then getting annoyed when he starts pulling up other green things. He doesn't know the difference. Grass is just as important an ecosystem as plants so don't let him pull that up either.

Never give a child options unless you're happy to hear the one they pick.

Explain the bees and stuff when he's playing nicely or helping you in the garden, not when you're giving him into trouble.

@BrumBoo

Sorry op, but you remind me of my husband. There's few things than get on my fucking nerves more than him trying to out-debate our 5 year old with his longwinded, hot-air, waffley, whiney bollocks, instead if being short and firm. It's like he needs a 'win' against the child whilst also giving a know-it-all lecture, and speaks to him like a naughty teen who's being deliberately deviant rather than a 5 year old who needs short and clear instructions.

The amount of time 'he's 5, please give it a rest' has left my mouth.....

I wonder if you are married to my husband. He's exactly like this. Rambling on and on about why we do something or don't do it. Blah blah blah.

Does my absolute head in hearing this nonsense between a young child and adult.

@Thereoncewasahorridmama

He was told off *@ghostyslovesheets* but I want him to understand why so he makes decisions not to do it in the future.

The best way to do that is to plant a bee garden and teach him how to look after it and why.

@Aquamarine1029

or me telling him to go and sit away from me if he's going to be so horrid

Please don't tell me you actually say this to a 6 year old.

What on earth is wrong with sending a 6yr old to go away and think about their actions?! It's called consequences!!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

@YellowPurple

His 5 !

You say "He doesn't want to do anything when his older, but sit on the sofa"

His 5

HE'S! Not his. His refers to something that belongs to him. He's is short for 'He is'

(OP's child is 6 by the way, not 5)

ie: He's 6 or His age is 6.

HTH

@Feedingthebirds1 Auto correct does not change he's to his 🤣🤣

@YellowPurple

His 5 !

You say "He doesn't want to do anything when his older, but sit on the sofa"

His 5

His?

Could the people going on about His please keep in mind that English isn’t everyone’s first language, that people have learning difficulties that make certain aspects of spelling difficult and that some people don’t have a fantastic education due to trauma in childhood?

What on earth is wrong with sending a 6yr old to go away and think about their actions?! It's called consequences!!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s the name calling @CervixHaver

@Feedingthebirds1 it’s not autocorrect. It’s a strange and widespread mistake made by lots of people these days.

@Pumperthepumper

Could the people going on about His please keep in mind that English isn’t everyone’s first language, that people have learning difficulties that make certain aspects of spelling difficult and that some people don’t have a fantastic education due to trauma in childhood?

🙄

You know you could, just parent your child.

Have you got a problem with the logic of that post @Incywincyspinsters or do you just want to have a go at foreigners and/or the learning impaired?

If people make spelling mistakes, it’s surely kinder to correct them and teach them the correct way? Why should people pussyfoot around a glaring error just in case that poster has had a traumatic experience or went to a rubbish school?

I am a ‘foreigner’... I learnt by people correcting my mistakes, not by people being worried about offending me if I made a mistake.

@Incywincyspinsters

If people make spelling mistakes, it’s surely kinder to correct them and teach them the correct way? Why should people pussyfoot around a glaring error just in case that poster has had a traumatic experience or went to a rubbish school?

Why not private message them if you meant it kindly? Does it really take five posters pointing out their ‘strange and widespread’ mistakes to be kind?

You talk to him like he’s a young preschooler, then are surprised when he acts like one.

I get where you’re coming from with the explanations but at 5 or 6 you often just need to use the “because I said so” response! He’s not your equal yet, he’s not old enough to have the empathy or subtle nuances of cause and effect but he’s certainly old enough to know that no means no, and sometimes it’s just no because mum says so.

Kids that age need firm boundaries and guidance, not wiffly waffly bollocks about hungry bees, or sad babies. At that age kids are massively egocentric, he won’t give a shit if he wakes the babies as he wants HIS needs to be met. Yes we can teach and model empathy but not with long verbose explanations, sometimes just a sharp no and cause and effect (ie loss of an activity).

Remember he’s been usurped in his little egocentric world by two demanding babies and in his brain any attention is attention, whether negative or positive.

to apologise to Mommy and the bees and butterflies.

This is what jumped out at me. Sorry but any of my kids would, rightly, have rolled their eyes at being asked to apologise to the bees & butterflies. It's twee & nonsensical.

Other posters are correct. Tell him no. Give him a clear reason. No debate needed. You said yourself he didn't do it again.

He sounds fine to me. No, he can't be allowed to misbehave but this sing-song, 'we don't want to leave the bees with empty tummies' sounds extremely grating. Of course he's going to provoke you by going 'yes I do'!

Explain the bees and stuff when he's playing nicely or helping you in the garden, not when you're giving him into trouble

This.

Learning needs to be positive and enjoyable. Not a fulcrum of power between you and him, as he winds you up with his oppositional ‘debate’.

I think explanations are good but the rhetorical question is where you open up the debate! I’d probably drop that bit.

For the twins - if you don’t already have one get a white noise machine, it will drown out lots of background noise

@TopBitchoftheWitches

You know you could, just parent your child.

Omg this is the most helpful comment on here. I thank you for your wisdom and insight. I will now proceed to actually care for him after nearly 6 years of locking him in the cupboard between feeds.

@TimeForTeaAndG

You're allowing him to pull up the grass then getting annoyed when he starts pulling up other green things. He doesn't know the difference. Grass is just as important an ecosystem as plants so don't let him pull that up either.

Never give a child options unless you're happy to hear the one they pick.

Explain the bees and stuff when he's playing nicely or helping you in the garden, not when you're giving him into trouble.

Just saving DH a job and yes I accept that the difference between that and green leaves evaded him. The issue isn't the pulling, it's the discussion afterwards because I said stop and he stopped.
And I do hear the posters saying it's my poor parenting by getting into a debate with him causing the problem

Tell him no .Punish him if he disobeys. Why are you having a discussion with a 5 year old? This won’t go well if you continue to treat him as your equal.