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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have crappy in-laws

115 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 22:03

Currently 20 wks pregnant with our first baby. DH and I very excited obviously. Told in-laws pretty early (about 6 wks I think) and since then I've heard very little from them...not even a "How are you doing?" Text.
DH works with his dad but they've both been WFH so saw him for the first time in ages yesterday. DH was showing him the pram, baby monitor and some other bits that he likes (when DH is excited about something, his reaction is to go on a shopping spree 🤣) and FIL completely dismissed everything he was saying. He basically said "you don't need X Y Z, I know better bla bla bla" which maybe he does but he was so negative I thought it was pretty shitty and DH looked quite deflated when he came home. I don't expect them to shower us with gifts or anything like that but it's his first grandchild (MIL has one) and I suppose I just hoped they would be more interested. I suppose they just want a ready made baby to cuddle and then hand back once she arrives 🙄

OP posts:
diddl · 17/04/2021 09:55

@TooManyAnimals94

Thanks for all your replies. I think I was more upset on behalf of my DH. He normally expects very little from them but I think he let himself get his hopes up and he was let down again with his dad's negativity. I understand other people's pregnancies are not that interesting and I don't really want them calling every five minutes but surely we're not just "other people". Family is a bit different....no?
Sorry, hadn't seen this before I posted.
HerMammy · 17/04/2021 10:02

@jakeyboy1
I’m far more interested in the cat/fox story than any baby!!!

FelicityPike · 17/04/2021 10:03

[quote HerMammy]@jakeyboy1
I’m far more interested in the cat/fox story than any baby!!![/quote]
Yes!

crossstitchingnana · 17/04/2021 10:06

My ils when I was expecting could not have been less interested. I was hurt. Now I am middle aged I get it. It is special to the person going through it but now it all seems so everyday. I also am not yearning to have grandkids.

Theglassmakerofmurano · 17/04/2021 10:14

Better that than over involved. My parents were absolutely useless and disinterested in our children. I think it’s important to understand that babies are generally only interesting to their parents. There doesn’t seem to much much middle ground, certainly looking at mumsnet. They’re either interfering or don’t give a shit.

memberofthewedding · 17/04/2021 11:56

My grandmother sounds like your PIL. She came from a traditional background where people tended not to show their feelings. Children were not spoiled or mollycoddled.

Also my mother had married down and there was a tension in the family as my father was never socially recieved. It was only when I was about 3 that my grandma began to take an interest in me, She was told I could already read and didnt believe it. So she bought a book and instructed my aunt to bring me along one sunday. I am told I read the book cover to cover with very little help for big words and she was quite impressed. Thereafter I was taken to her house by auntie once a month until I became big enough to make the journey myself. Eventually I became the favorite grandchild but it was not a huggy huggy relationship - more that of a mentor who sometimes told me hard truths. She was my first real friend and I still miss her!

Maray1967 · 17/04/2021 12:30

20 years ago my dad was delighted and starting talking about buying the pram. In laws also delighted and started talking about buying the pram. So we had a different kind of problem to handle carefully.
And yes, they all came out with the superstitious stuff about not having it in the house before the baby was here but they were still pleased, at least asking how I was doing once a week. I’m sad for you, but things might improve once baby is here. But I am left thinking if your parents aren’t particularly interested who else should be?

WeAllHaveWings · 17/04/2021 13:49

@TooManyAnimals94

Thanks for all your replies. I think I was more upset on behalf of my DH. He normally expects very little from them but I think he let himself get his hopes up and he was let down again with his dad's negativity. I understand other people's pregnancies are not that interesting and I don't really want them calling every five minutes but surely we're not just "other people". Family is a bit different....no?
Nope. It is not their pregnancy.

They get to bond and enjoy the good bits when the baby is here.

Even the early days when the baby is permanently with mum and dad and does nothing but eat, sleep, poo and scream they are unlikely to be that involved.

Don't ruin what could be a lovely future grandparent relationship by nurturing a growing resentment towards them now due to your too high expectations.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 17/04/2021 14:03

@TooManyAnimals94 Ah, I’d love this 🙈 Maybe they’re leaving the ball in your court so that they don’t overstep the mark?

I’m dreading telling my in-laws that I’m pregnant because they’ll be incredibly invested and I’ll get daily texts asking how I am, and I really don’t want that... if I could tell them at 20 weeks, or just pop up with the baby, I would in a heartbeat.

steff13 · 17/04/2021 14:10

I suppose they just want a ready made baby to cuddle and then hand back once she arrives.

Isn't this what all grandparents want? It's part of the appeal of being a grandparent.

MakeMineALarge1 · 17/04/2021 14:15

You sound hard work.

Sarah22xx · 17/04/2021 14:16

They might be more interested when the baby is born, my parents were like your in-laws when I was pregnant, as soon as my son was born they took a massive interest x

TimeToParty · 17/04/2021 14:31

@MakeMineALarge1

You sound hard work.
Pray, do share how she sounds like hard work? Or do you just think the phrase sounds witty? (She doesn’t and it doesn’t FYI)
SakuraEdenSwan1 · 17/04/2021 14:35

Stop being so precious, I get you are excited and congratulations, but I think you are over thinking things.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/04/2021 14:54

I don't think they sound either terrible or amazing - they sound pretty ordinary. It is clear (and nothing wrong with this) that you would like more doting in-laws who wanted to be enthusiastically involved with your pregnancy, so their mild response is disappointing you.

I don't think they deserve to be called crappy, or to be bad-mouthed to strangers, based on anything you've written.

MakeMineALarge1 · 17/04/2021 15:19

All this over a bloody pram and baby isnt here.
That's why I think op is hard work.

TinyTiger99 · 17/04/2021 15:48

I totally sympathise with you. My parents seemed very unimpressed with the bits and bobs I'd bought for our new baby ie. Video monitor, thermometer for the bath, various toys etc. which did upset me at the time as I was very excited about having a baby and they just came off as very negative about everything. It would make me feel very down but I was lucky my ILs were the exact opposite. I think some of it is a generation thing with the new gadgets and stuff but also some people are just very negative. I would say try not to take it to heart even though I know that it can be very difficult not to sometimes.

grapewine · 17/04/2021 15:49

They're not necessarily crap. They just don't get involved to the level you want. There seems to be a bigger issue anyway with how they play favourites.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/04/2021 15:55

'Favourites' or...prioritising childcare for children who actually need childcare.

choli · 17/04/2021 16:10

thermometer for the bath
Elbow not good enough? Grin

SarahBellam · 17/04/2021 16:21

My mum and dad were really excited but my in laws weren’t. They’re equally good grandparents though.

CutieBear · 17/04/2021 17:02

I think your in laws response is preferable to a stifling, too-involved approach where they’re ringing everyday. Is this their first GC? I would be happy for you, but I would quickly tire from constantly having to talk about baby stuff.

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2021 17:08

@katy1213

You can't expect a man to be excited about baby stuff. He probably thinks it's a bit odd for his son to be interested in a pram. (So would I!)
Why on earth is it odd to be interested in the pram he and the OP are going to be using for the next couple of years? Confused
otterbaby · 17/04/2021 17:18

Of course you're upset. They can't even text once every couple of weeks to ask how your pregnancy is going - that's shitty of them. And they could at least feign some excitement at looking at baby things - if your child is excited over something, no matter their age, I don't think it's hard to show a bit of interest.

And no, the only alternative isn't them ringing everyday or asking to attend your labour! There's a middle ground.

My advice would be to just focus on you, DH and your lovely baby. Lower your expectations and then you might be surprised.

romdowa · 17/04/2021 17:23

My own father recently asked me during a conversation about my viability scan "why should I care about a baby I'll rarely see". I was extremely upset and ended the call and haven't spoken to him since. Some parents just dont care. Thankfully my pils are really excited.