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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have crappy in-laws

115 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 22:03

Currently 20 wks pregnant with our first baby. DH and I very excited obviously. Told in-laws pretty early (about 6 wks I think) and since then I've heard very little from them...not even a "How are you doing?" Text.
DH works with his dad but they've both been WFH so saw him for the first time in ages yesterday. DH was showing him the pram, baby monitor and some other bits that he likes (when DH is excited about something, his reaction is to go on a shopping spree 🤣) and FIL completely dismissed everything he was saying. He basically said "you don't need X Y Z, I know better bla bla bla" which maybe he does but he was so negative I thought it was pretty shitty and DH looked quite deflated when he came home. I don't expect them to shower us with gifts or anything like that but it's his first grandchild (MIL has one) and I suppose I just hoped they would be more interested. I suppose they just want a ready made baby to cuddle and then hand back once she arrives 🙄

OP posts:
HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 16/04/2021 23:51

@imalmostthere

Could be worse, my mil said "never mind" when we told her we were having a girl!
Could be even worse. The words I got from my Mum and Sister were oh ffs when I told them I was Pregnant. I was 34 had been trying for years and had 3 miscarriages. I never even bothered saying anything when I went on to miscarry number 5 last month
HoppingPavlova · 16/04/2021 23:57

I suppose they just want a ready made baby to cuddle and then hand back once she arrives

Yep, pretty much. Here’s a news flash, after having kids and doing the hard yards for over 20 years (most people have an age range so are bringing up kids for that long), they don’t want the direct involvement of another child. They want one they can have a brief period of fun with and then hand back. That’s the benefit of being a grandparent. It’s the reward for decades of hard direct parenting. No need to get snippy about that.

As in-laws they also won’t ask you about scans, names etc as that’s viewed by them as potentially intrusive. The minute they did that most DIL would be on Mumsnet complaining about their in-laws and their intrusiveness. Your own parents are different as you have a different relationship with them.

Your FIL probably thought purchasing such things now very odd as traditionally we didn’t do purchases until the very end pretty much, earlier was seen as potentially inviting trouble so he is probably perplexed but doesn’t want to say anything negative so just said nothing.

The excitement of pregnancy is pretty much only exciting for 1-2 people, it’s not a group activity.

NiceGerbil · 16/04/2021 23:58

I'm so sorry hoping xx

If I was you I'd do my best to distance emotionally from them.

I'm trying to do this with my parents but it's really hard because of course I want them to love me and care about me.

But that sort of thing, what they said. It's unforgivable.

Livelovebehappy · 17/04/2021 00:02

Sounds like you haven’t really invested time and effort with each other pre pregnancy - seeing each other every few weeks doesn’t indicate a close relationship with them, so I can imagine they’re just carrying on in the same vein. Reading between the lines, it doesn’t sound like you like them very much, so you can’t really expect them to fall in with your expectations of what they should be like.

btwwhichonespink · 17/04/2021 00:03

My kids have the world's most uninterested and selfish grandparents on all sides so I hear you. It's a massive disappointment but you can't make people interested in you or your baby sadly.

WeAllHaveWings · 17/04/2021 00:08

I know this is the most exciting wonderful time for you and your dh, thinking every minute of everyday about the miracle of that little human being you made and is growing inside you, and thinking of all the things you want or need. We were the same.

But, I hate to tell you this but other peoples pregnancies are as dull as dishwater, other peoples newborns are pretty boring too. You are expecting too much, they'll (hopefully) be great dgps but not for a while yet. Just enjoy it as something special with your dh.

CookieMonsterMunch · 17/04/2021 00:11

OP focus on the people that like to see you and your DH happy and enjoy that with you. Sounds like that’s not your in laws and I agree with you that it’s a bit shit and especially sad for your DH as their his parents.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 17/04/2021 08:21

It does sound disappointing for you but although I'm not "old" I think that's very early to be buying the kit. I didn't buy anything until a very few weeks before birth, I thought most people were the same.

Congrats on your pregnancy Smile

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/04/2021 08:31

Thanks for all your replies. I think I was more upset on behalf of my DH. He normally expects very little from them but I think he let himself get his hopes up and he was let down again with his dad's negativity. I understand other people's pregnancies are not that interesting and I don't really want them calling every five minutes but surely we're not just "other people". Family is a bit different....no?

OP posts:
Fuckitfuckit · 17/04/2021 08:39

I wouldn't necessarily label them as crap, they're just not interested in the things you'd usually think parents would be interested in during their offsprings life.

Hard to understand maybe, but maybe DHs family are good in other ways?

MIL and FIL seemed put out to be at our wedding. MIL has made comments about thankfully it doesn't look like a baby is going to happen for us because DH would be a useless father...that really stung because at the time we were 8 years into fertility problems.

On the other hand, they're great. If I need a lift anywhere they'd help. If I wanted food, they'd feed me. If I needed them to take care of DD who isn't their sons, they'd definitely do it. They're just different to what id personally be like

dontdisturbmenow · 17/04/2021 08:40

Maybe he's got concerns about his spending?

It's sadly quite common for to be parents to go on mad shopping sprees during the pregnancy, spending ridiculous amount in money in things that indeed, after the birth, they realise is not needed or what they really wanted, and end up in debt.

Rewis · 17/04/2021 08:43

I can understand you being a bit hurt about their negativity. Some expectations might have been a bit too much since we dont really know your relationship. If they have not been supportive parents up to this point, then you should stop expecting them to be supportive with you having a child. It sucks but they won't change.

FelicityPike · 17/04/2021 08:48

My in-laws were quite gushy at first. Then DD was born prematurely and they never once visited the hospital, in fact they would drive past it twice a week going to their caravan!
We tried for a year to involve them after she was born, but have been NC now for 5 years.

Mellonsprite · 17/04/2021 08:53

It’s a difficult one, you and your husband will be so wrapped up in everything.... with the best will in the world no one else is going to have your level of enthusiasm.
I won’t like to burst your bubble but I’d struggle to be enthusiastic over a baby monitor and besides saying ‘oh very nice’ what else is there to say?
He may well turn out to be a very hands on Grandad when the baby arrives, but just not enjoy pregnancy chat?

Adifferentstory2 · 17/04/2021 09:02

Classic opinionated patriarch who thinks he’s right in speaking his mind regardless of the hurt caused. Most of us have one, it’s generational, tedious and hurtful. Best ignored and self preserve by not involving them further in planning or excitement.

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 17/04/2021 09:06

Perhaps they havent been asking for "bump updates" (I think that's what you termed it) because it's over bearing and intrusive. You dont speak to them lots so it surely would be unusual for them to be constantly asking how you are. And in the kindest way you are not ill you are pregnant so they dont need to check on you constantly.
Presumably it's been a long time since your FIL was involved in any baby gadgets and ap didnt know how to respond. There were very little gadgets about when I was born and a pram was a pram without 1000s of functions
Finally I suppose they just want a ready made baby to cuddle and then hand back once she arrives 🙄
What else do you expect??? That's what grandparents do! They may take her for a walk so you get some peace etc but it is your baby not theirs (and thousands of threads on here about dil complaining about mil doing too much)

Angrypregnantlady · 17/04/2021 09:14

All our parents have been super excited and I'd be annoyed if I was showing them what we'd got for baby and they were criticising. So I don't think you're unreasonable.

No point giving them headspace though, focus on your little family.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/04/2021 09:24

I think perhaps your expectations are a bit high. It would be lovely to have in laws who are super excited and want to come pram hopping with you and talk about colour schemes for the nursery but lots of grandparents aren't into that stuff. They're happy to cuddle the baby when it arrives and yes often give unsolicited advice.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/04/2021 09:26

I suppose they just want a ready made baby to cuddle and then hand back once she arrives

AS PP said this is exactly what grandparents do! They cuddle the baby, and hand it back when it's smelly or crying! You do all the hard work. That's how it's meant to be.

Dishwashersaurous · 17/04/2021 09:30

it is very early to buying stuff.

Lots of that generation wouldn't buy anything before baby is born, certainly not a pram.

You are only half way through the pregnancy

They might be more enthusiastic once the baby is actually born and might be excited about the baby rather than it's stuff.

Many many people would be nonplussed about a baby monitor purchase half way through a pregnancy

KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 09:34

I hated that my inlaws weren't interested in getting to know me until I got pregnant. It's like I didn't matter just the baby. So it depends what they were like with you prepregnancy.

Also his dad might be trying to care in his own way and stop his son spending excessive amounts on stuff you don't need.

Lumene · 17/04/2021 09:37

I would find it intrusive if in laws suddenly started contacting me to see how I was if pregnant. Maybe they don’t realise you would like them to do that?

Dishwashersaurous · 17/04/2021 09:38

and many many people wouldn't want separate communications with their in laws

arethereanyleftatall · 17/04/2021 09:40

Yabu to call your in-laws crappy because they have no interest in your pregnancy. It's not that interesting for them is it? And, whilst your dh buying stuff like a baby monitor at 20 weeks is sweet (I guess); it's actually also pretty absurd.
Maybe lower your expectations.

diddl · 17/04/2021 09:53

Is your FIL generally dismissive & knows better?

I can't imagine mine getting enthused about baby stuff-not sure if he would be telling husband what we do/don't need.

Might comment that xyz wasn't around when husband a baby & they managed without?

But as a rule he doesn't deliberately put a damper on things.

If it's usual for your FIL to do so then your husband needs to let it wash over him/not tell FIL so much?