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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have crappy in-laws

115 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 22:03

Currently 20 wks pregnant with our first baby. DH and I very excited obviously. Told in-laws pretty early (about 6 wks I think) and since then I've heard very little from them...not even a "How are you doing?" Text.
DH works with his dad but they've both been WFH so saw him for the first time in ages yesterday. DH was showing him the pram, baby monitor and some other bits that he likes (when DH is excited about something, his reaction is to go on a shopping spree 🤣) and FIL completely dismissed everything he was saying. He basically said "you don't need X Y Z, I know better bla bla bla" which maybe he does but he was so negative I thought it was pretty shitty and DH looked quite deflated when he came home. I don't expect them to shower us with gifts or anything like that but it's his first grandchild (MIL has one) and I suppose I just hoped they would be more interested. I suppose they just want a ready made baby to cuddle and then hand back once she arrives 🙄

OP posts:
Stirmecrazy · 16/04/2021 23:04

The thing is when you are at that stage of life that you are at, it is interesting and exciting to you but you can’t expect the same level of enthusiasm from everyone especially those who have been through it. Speaking from someone of a similar age to your FIL I am not sure how much enthusiasm I could muster for a baby monitor although I would be thrilled with a grandchild when it arrived . Definitely lower your expectations and just enjoy this time with DH.

GlitterBiscuits · 16/04/2021 23:05

My MIL was excessively nosy so I have resolved to be hands off with any future daughter-in-laws or grandchildren.
I couldn't bare the attention and opinions

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 23:06

@Incywincyspinsters

I hear what posters are saying OP but i would be a bit sad if my H came home a bit deflated because his father hadn’t indulged him in his excitement about his new baby things. Surely a parent is aware enough socially to feign some interest in it even if they have none. Unless you guys are skint and your H is spanking a shit ton of money on high end baby stuff, you think your FIL would manage to be a little bit engaged. My inlaws and parents were really interested and wanted to know how I was bearing up. I was the guarded one.
Thank you for getting it. I think it upset me to see he was hurt more than anything else. They have not been supportive parents to him at all (even though his sisters get loads of help with everything including childcare) and I thought this might be the moment something changed. Clearly I was being naive. Re the contact thing, no we're not texting every day but we pop in and see them every few weeks and they're local so I would have thought they might be thinking of us sometimes and ask about scans, names etc. I talk to my own mum most days and whilst she probably gets bored of me babbling, she manages not to say it. And my dad calls at least once a week for bump updates and he's had loads of other grandkids so I wasn't expecting him to be that bothered.
OP posts:
katy1213 · 16/04/2021 23:09

You can't expect a man to be excited about baby stuff. He probably thinks it's a bit odd for his son to be interested in a pram. (So would I!)

Justmuddlingalong · 16/04/2021 23:10

You speak to your DM most days, so already there's a discrepancy in the amount of contact between you and your Dparents and you and your ILs. There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't think you can just blame your ILs for that.

jakeyboy1 · 16/04/2021 23:16

We told my father in law I was pregnant. He was excited for approx 30 seconds then proceeded to tell us "the other day the cat was riding around on a fox's head." Wtf?!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/04/2021 23:17

In our family we are generally very subdued about expected babies. I think this stems from the number of miscarriages that have occurred among daughters and DILs. When the baby is actually born - alive and healthy - then comes the congratulations, celebrations and jubilation.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/04/2021 23:18

If FIL was a “typical” man of his generation then he likely didn’t have much input into or interest in prams, baby monitors and baby clothes for his own children, let alone a grandchild who hasn’t even been born yet. I get that it feels a bit crushing because your pregnancy is already a baby and obviously very exciting for you; but to anyone else it’s not really real yet. Wait until you have an actual baby before you judge their attitude towards and relationship with their grandchild.

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 23:19

@katy1213

You can't expect a man to be excited about baby stuff. He probably thinks it's a bit odd for his son to be interested in a pram. (So would I!)
Right so my husband is 'odd' for taking an interest and expecting some back from his dad? Do you think he should wait in the corridor at the hospital so as not to be concerned with 'women's stuff' when I'm giving birth as well? What sexist bullshit.
OP posts:
jgjgjgjgjg · 16/04/2021 23:20

Your in laws are right - certainly about the baby monitor. The guidelines are that your baby sleep in the same room as an adult for the first 6 months. So you shouldn't be needing a baby monitor to start with.

jakeyboy1 · 16/04/2021 23:20

Conversely I've seen men very interested in prams... akin to buying a car/any gadget!

Parky04 · 16/04/2021 23:21

It's difficult. The world is so fucked up at the moment I would rather my kids not have children. In fact, I wished I never have had children. We have bought them so much pain.

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 23:22

@jakeyboy1

We told my father in law I was pregnant. He was excited for approx 30 seconds then proceeded to tell us "the other day the cat was riding around on a fox's head." Wtf?!
Well that put things in perspective and gave me a laugh so thanks 😂 also quite curious about what was going on with the cat and the fox...did he ever elaborate?
OP posts:
jakeyboy1 · 16/04/2021 23:23

@TooManyAnimals94 no idea... he was probably pissed ;)

imalmostthere · 16/04/2021 23:23

Could be worse, my mil said "never mind" when we told her we were having a girl!

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 23:24

@Parky04

It's difficult. The world is so fucked up at the moment I would rather my kids not have children. In fact, I wished I never have had children. We have bought them so much pain.
Nope I think you're on a whole different wavelength to what was getting at but thanks for playing
OP posts:
SylviaPlath1984 · 16/04/2021 23:26

Just here to say that as someone who worked in mothercare for years....

The dads get more excited about the prams and car seats that the mums by a long way! Gadgets, engineering, something to mess with, build, set up... they love it! So whichever PP said it was weird for a man to be interested I can assure you I saw it first hand 5 days a week for 5 years, and you're wrong 😂

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 23:26

@imalmostthere

Could be worse, my mil said "never mind" when we told her we were having a girl!
That's awful! 🙁
OP posts:
Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 16/04/2021 23:29

@SylviaPlath1984

Just here to say that as someone who worked in mothercare for years....

The dads get more excited about the prams and car seats that the mums by a long way! Gadgets, engineering, something to mess with, build, set up... they love it! So whichever PP said it was weird for a man to be interested I can assure you I saw it first hand 5 days a week for 5 years, and you're wrong 😂

That is exactly it! Even I pointed out we don't need a baby monitor as she will be in our bedroom and even when she's in her room it's a flat so I think we'll know I'd she's crying 😂 but I said it in a nice way. The man just loves a gadget...and I'm pretty overwhelmed by that stuff that I'm very grateful if he wants to do all the research and shopping trips. I'm growing a human...I have enough to do 😂
OP posts:
Incywincyspinsters · 16/04/2021 23:33

Thank you for getting it. I think it upset me to see he was hurt more than anything else. They have not been supportive parents to him at all (even though his sisters get loads of help with everything including childcare) and I thought this might be the moment something changed. Clearly I was being naive.

I think this is probably more to do with you feeling very sad that your partner is treated differently by his parents and feeling defensive of him. I would be the same, I cannot understand parental favouritism. If a new baby doesn’t make them interested in him, probably nothing ever will.

Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby together, stuff them.

imalmostthere · 16/04/2021 23:35

I wish you a healthy pregnancy op, once you hold your baby this will seem trivial I promise Thanks

LovePoppy · 16/04/2021 23:37

Don’t pin all your hopes that they will be excited when baby is born.

They might not be.

Start mentally preparing now.

RickJames · 16/04/2021 23:39

My ILs were a bit standoffish at first because we had our DS fairly soon after meeting. MIL has told me later that she was a bit concerned. Once they met DS and held him and stuff they were much more enthusiastic. My ILs are worriers, always seeing threats and unlucky possibilities but they aren't bad people. Maybe your ILs are the same and are worrying about something? I hope yours warm up when your baby arrives Smile

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 16/04/2021 23:40

They sound like miserable bastards.
My in-laws were like this, I havent seen them for years and it's been so lovely Grin

NiceGerbil · 16/04/2021 23:40

All families are different.

EG my parents didn't support me in Pg at all. I had peri natal depression and didn't tell them. They've always been distant. I learnt long ago not to expect much but when I was struggling after baby. I was round there (they're 5 mins away and wanted me to visit so they could... Tell their friends or something?). I said to my mum I'm so so tired please can you keep an eye on the baby while I have a nap? I can sleep here on the sofa. She said no.

So.

Everyone's families are different.

The thing I get from your post most though is how your husband's face fell. How is his relationship with them? Do they have a history of being a bit crap to him? That's the thing I'd be talking about.

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