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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Secret pregnancy. CF relative phones up overstepping the mark. WWYD?

102 replies

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 18:55

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with our third child and keeping it private because I just knew there would be negative comments. I had a traumatic birth with our youngest and wound up with PND so want this pregnancy to be as stress free as possible.

We've told my best friend and my mother, that's it.

My mother is very close to her sister who I have outright asked her not to tell because she's one of the ones who'll stick her oar in and pass judgement. I'm almost 30 and she still speaks to me like a child.

My aunt called me this eve for a catch up (I very rarely answer the phone to be honest) and after a few minutes of benign chat she said "so how's your sex life" (tinkly laugh)

I was taken aback and said well that's private..

She then said "you're right, sorry, that was a bit blunt, but you know there's a pill you can take"

I just hung up.

So it's either one of two things..

My mother has mentioned the pregnancy and my aunt is implying I should have an abortion, or my aunt thinks in general I should be going on 'the pill' because we shouldn't be having more children, period.

How would you deal with this and AIBU to be fucking livid?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 16/04/2021 23:43

I think you have to put it out of your mind now. You've decided to go NC, so don't let what she said bug you any further.

As to your Mum, either she did say something in which case she's probably feeling pretty shitty with herself and her sis right now. Or she didn't, and she now knows what a spiteful person her sis can be and that you're going NC. Either way, I think you should let things cool down and then make it clear to mum that you're not going to change your mind about aunt. If she wants to be supportive, she must respect your decision.

Original poster
thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 23:49

If they are thick as thieves and your aunt has no other family then I would assume you, your DC and your life is discussed regularly by them both

For sure. My aunt seems to live vicariously through what's going on in other people's lives and concerns herself with 'family stuff' more than is welcome so I have no doubt that we're often spoken about even if that's aunt feigning concern.

What does your own mother do to manage her intrusive sister being rude to her daughter? Does your Mum stand up for you? Does she support you and your stance against the aunt?

Yes absolutely. There has been many occasions that aunt has said something to upset me or piss me off and mum has put her straight.

I think you have to put it out of your mind now. You've decided to go NC, so don't let what she said bug you any further

That's what I'll do. Good riddance I say.

OP posts:
NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 16/04/2021 23:51

I’m another whose first thought was that she was referring to sexual problems (ie needing viagra) rather than contraception or worse.

She asked about your sex life, presumably to see if it was existent or enjoyable. I feel like if you wanted to know if someone was pregnant you ask a more general “have you anything to tell me?” or “have the dcs been pestering you for a baby brother or sister yet?”, something more family life based than sex based.

But downright creepy that an Aunt would ask about your sex life. It’s grossing me out and I’d probably block my aunts too if they spoke like that to me.

Hathertonhariden · 17/04/2021 00:39

Tell your mum that your convo has been preying on your mind. You've done some searching and you're worried Aunt might be suffering from the type of dementia where you start saying very inappropriate things.

steppemum · 17/04/2021 00:51

@ImaginaryCat

If she said it word for word as you've written I'd assume the pill she was referring to was viagra, nothing to do with birth control or abortions. I mean it's still a really tasteless awkward joke from an aunt, but it makes more sense in the context of asking how your sex life is.
this is exactly how I read it. how's your sex life - and then you can get a pill to help doesn't refer to pregnancy, but to better sex.

I think you heard pregnancy because you are pregnant, but that is not what she meant.

So she probably doesn't know about pregnancy, but really, who asks their neice about their sex life!!!

sillysmiles · 17/04/2021 01:22

Tbh, that viagara is now available OTC is also what i thought when reading what you wrote.
Other than it being foremost in your mind, i don't hear pregnancy in that comment. Still bloody odd though. As the aunt of adult niece with children I could never think of saying something like that.

feistymumma · 17/04/2021 05:06

@thenerveofsome

I've blocked her number completely.

I fully intend to speak to my mother tomorrow and ask her what (If anything) she has said, although I suspect she might not want to come clean about letting it slip once she knows it's caused this much stress.

Sounds like I wrote this post. I am 26 weeks now and haven't told my mum for precisely this reason. I am no contact with my aunt and her family and I know that if I had told my mum she wouldn't have respected my need for privacy.
Original poster
thenerveofsome · 17/04/2021 11:18

Feisty are you my cousin? Sorry you have similar in your family.

So I've managed to ascertain that she was referring to contraception, me going on the pill to avoid pregnancy.

So it was option 2. She thinks we should ensure we don't have any more children full stop.

Fucking cheek.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenerveofsome · 17/04/2021 11:20

You can imagine how I feel now, having had her confirm that, when I'm already 12 weeks pregnant. Cow Sad

OP posts:
GappyValley · 17/04/2021 11:39

What a nasty bitch

How did you find out? Did your mum come clean?

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 17/04/2021 11:43

Sorry everyone - we've got a few concerns about the OP. We'll take this down shortly.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 17/04/2021 15:53

We've spoken to the OP off the boards and have agreed to reinstate this thread.

Original poster
thenerveofsome · 17/04/2021 16:00

Thank you Becky.

I can confirm I'm %100 not trolling and never have. I was previously banned for breaching talk guidelines, nothing I've ever posted has been false or misleading.

This situation is something that has caused me considerable stress. Thank you for the replies and advice so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenerveofsome · 17/04/2021 16:00

@GappyValley

What a nasty bitch

How did you find out? Did your mum come clean?

I asked my aunt directly, mum didn't say anything to her. Thankfully.
OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 18/04/2021 19:59

Eh? Being childless is no “reason” to behave like this. Tactlessness and rudeness are not traits automatically conferred on the unbechilded

Is it not obvious? She's jealous. She wants children, that's why she is behaving this way. Saying that one child is enough is her way of coping with it.

I never said she is right or it's OK either, she is completely wrong to do what she is doing. But she's got some unresolved issues of her own surrounding children, that I doubt she's made clear to anyone.

Viviennemary · 18/04/2021 20:05

Sorry but can't get past secret pregnancy. Its not the 1950s. Both of you sound difficult. Your poor mother trying to kerp the peace.

YellowTwinklyStar · 18/04/2021 20:08

Its perfectly reasonable to want to keep a pregnancy secret.

Glad you found out it wasn't your mum but your aunt is horrible.

Original poster
thenerveofsome · 18/04/2021 20:17

@Viviennemary

Sorry but can't get past secret pregnancy. Its not the 1950s. Both of you sound difficult. Your poor mother trying to kerp the peace.
Lol you'd understand if you knew her, believe me.

I'm keeping it private because I want to minimise stress as much as I can. I see no reason to tell people like her, especially given what she comes out with. Who would want to open themselves up to more of the same if it can be avoided for the foreseeable?

I haven't seen her in person in almost a year I'm sure I can manage another.

OP posts:
Briarshollow · 18/04/2021 20:53

This is one of those those threads that absolutely floors me because I cannot imagine having this sort of relationship or communication with any of my family. Confused

Why the fuck is this weird aunt woman passing any kind of judgement (let some having a say in it) on whether you have any more children? If it’s genuinely because your first child is disabled, then why the fuck hasn’t she been cut off before now? That is atrocious.

It’s all so incredibly odd. And for me personally, totally unrelatable. I’m baffled.

Original poster
thenerveofsome · 18/04/2021 21:12

It is incredibly odd yes, not to mention annoying, which is why I have very little to do with her. I would gladly never see her again.

The problem is she spends alot of time with my mum, and I see mum often, so aunt is always there in the background.

Whenever mum comes to see us you can guarantee aunt will call at least once, often multiple times. She always tries to insert herself.

She claims to be lonely but it's not an excuse, she's an arse.

She has never said outright that the judgment stems from DS being disabled but he is always one of the first things she refers to when casting judgement on us having more children, because it's oh so hard for us with a disabled child.

I actually tend to agree with the PP who thinks it's at least in part to do with the fact she doesn't have any children herself.

OP posts:
Sausageroll67 · 18/04/2021 21:32

My nieces and nephews (in their 20s) are breeding like flies and I can’t say I’m particularly happy about it as I’m childfree and think they’re wasting their potential. So no, I don’t think your aunt is jealous if she chose to be childfree.

However I just smile and nod and don’t ring them asking about their sex lives 😂😂😂

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 21:44

She probably wants your Mum to herself and resents the time she spends with you and then even more time on her DGC.

Yummymummy2020 · 18/04/2021 21:55

I could have written this! We didn’t tell my mum till I was 32 weeks gone😂😂😂 I had a really bad birth and pregnancy with my first and my family were like first and only so I knew too that there would be comments putting a downer on what should be a happy time which was why I kept it quiet. Lockdown certainly helped a lot and a winter bubble jacket. Honestly you need to think long and hard before sharing further details. I had told my mum things in confidence last pregnancy and birth health wise which she told my nan, and then it all got announced in front of the family at Christmas (before Covid) and I was mortified and very very upset. I learned the hard way if you don’t want the world to know don’t tell my mum anything. She has form for it though so now I have a strict need to know basis with her. It’s a bit sad as I see other people with lovely relationships with their mums and I don’t have that, but my god was this pregnancy less stressful without the gossiping!if we decide to try have a third, all depending on how this birth goes, I shall be doing the same again as long as I can!!!

Original poster
thenerveofsome · 18/04/2021 22:35

She probably wants your Mum to herself and resents the time she spends with you and then even more time on her DGC.

I have no doubt that you're onto something there, she is jealous. Mum dotes on the children and has spent more time here then she has at aunts since they came along. Aunt then feels pushed out.

Mum made plans to come and see us a while ago and told aunt when she was coming. Aunt tried to persuade me to tell mum not to come "because it's alot for her, noisy children and travelling all that way" but you can bet if I did tell mum not to come here, aunt would be inviting her there instead.

We're 30 mins down the road. Aunt is the same distance in the other direction.

Every time mum comes here or we visit her - aunt will be on the phone for no reason at all, just calling to say hello or tell her what she's watching on tv or whatever. It screams codependency to me.

It's like mum can't have a good relationship with me or the children without her involving herself.

She has made it so I don't actually want to foster a relationship between her and the children because she causes me nothing but stress, she won't see it that way though, I'm just the neice that barely keeps in touch any more and what a shame that is because we're faaaaaaamily Hmm

She probably is lonely but she only has herself to blame for that as she pushes people away, she had a few nice friends but even they don't want to talk to her anymore because of the way she is.

However I just smile and nod and don’t ring them asking about their sex lives

On behalf of them, thank you Grin

Yummymummy good call, I'm so pleased you feel you made the right decision. This pregnancy has been alot less stressful than my other two so far, I attribute that largely down to not telling all and sundry. Some people didn't get the memo for 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'

Congratulations on your baby Smile

OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 19/04/2021 09:52

@Sausageroll67

My nieces and nephews (in their 20s) are breeding like flies and I can’t say I’m particularly happy about it as I’m childfree and think they’re wasting their potential. So no, I don’t think your aunt is jealous if she chose to be childfree.

However I just smile and nod and don’t ring them asking about their sex lives 😂😂😂

Maybe she didn't choose to be child free though. Some people don't handle infertility well understandably, it's a hard thing to move on from. You are child free by choice, so you wouldn't get jealous. Others might because it's not a choice.