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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret pregnancy. CF relative phones up overstepping the mark. WWYD?

102 replies

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 18:55

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with our third child and keeping it private because I just knew there would be negative comments. I had a traumatic birth with our youngest and wound up with PND so want this pregnancy to be as stress free as possible.

We've told my best friend and my mother, that's it.

My mother is very close to her sister who I have outright asked her not to tell because she's one of the ones who'll stick her oar in and pass judgement. I'm almost 30 and she still speaks to me like a child.

My aunt called me this eve for a catch up (I very rarely answer the phone to be honest) and after a few minutes of benign chat she said "so how's your sex life" (tinkly laugh)

I was taken aback and said well that's private..

She then said "you're right, sorry, that was a bit blunt, but you know there's a pill you can take"

I just hung up.

So it's either one of two things..

My mother has mentioned the pregnancy and my aunt is implying I should have an abortion, or my aunt thinks in general I should be going on 'the pill' because we shouldn't be having more children, period.

How would you deal with this and AIBU to be fucking livid?

OP posts:

GappyValley · 16/04/2021 19:49

Why are you waiting til tomorrow to call your mum?!

‘Mum, why did you tell Aunty fuckwit about my pregnancy when I specifically asked you not to?
She has just phoned me up to tell me she knows and then suggested a take a pill - I can only assume that means she is suggesting I abort your grandchild. It’s the last conversation I’ll be having with her and frankly unless you’ve got a very good explanation for why you told her, you’ll be going in the same direction’

How can you claim to be really close to her but not close enough to call her now and get an explanation?!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/04/2021 19:49

Definitely ask your mum if she’s blabbed.

Hiyawotcha · 16/04/2021 19:52

I also thought it was a reference to viagra. I thought women can take it too?

So it read to me as a clumsy “how’s your love life?” - Irritating question rather than “you’re pregnant” etc.

SergeantCatFlap · 16/04/2021 19:52

I'm in the talking about viagra camp too, to be honest

IamnotH · 16/04/2021 19:53

I also think she was talking about viagra. Weird but not nasty?

WhySoSensitive · 16/04/2021 20:00

I would assume viagra too.

If your mum won’t be honest if she knows how stressed its made you, then be light/breezy about it. Ask if it’s been mentioned because of an off convo you had - and then if she admits it, then get pissed!

BashfulClam · 16/04/2021 20:02

‘Really, pity you can’t take a pill that stops you being a cow.’

Original poster

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 20:12

Why would she pass judgment or care that you're pregnant again?

That's the way she is. When I announced we were expecting #2 she was very cynical and judgemental, largely because our eldest is disabled. It put a dampner on what was supposed to be a happy time.

Pregnancy isn't the only thing she's meddled, she judges everything from baby names to where we live, implies I should change jobs etc. Overbearing is an understatement. I don't tell her anything these days because I just can't be bothered with it. In her eyes I'm still a child.

How can you claim to be really close to her but not close enough to call her now and get an explanation?!

We spoke early this afternoon and she was headed to the pub with her friend. There's little point bringing it up if she's had a drink.

OP posts:

KoalaOok · 16/04/2021 20:17

Would she really ask you if you were having enough sex? It seems more likely to me she was trying to ask about the pregnancy without letting on she was asking about the pregnancy but failing!

Either way she sounds so rude!

Does she call you often? I would ignore all her calls from now on tbh.

Original poster

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 20:19

@KoalaOok

Would she really ask you if you were having enough sex? It seems more likely to me she was trying to ask about the pregnancy without letting on she was asking about the pregnancy but failing!

Either way she sounds so rude!

Does she call you often? I would ignore all her calls from now on tbh.

That's what I thought too.

Sometimes she doesn't call for 1-2 weeks as I rarely answer the phone to her.

She caught me in a good mood today so i thought I'd engage. I wish I hadn't.

OP posts:

HavelockVetinari · 16/04/2021 20:20

Your Mum has told her. It's the most likely answer - any other suggestions are implausible given the timing.

harriethoyle · 16/04/2021 20:24

OP, a friend of mine years ago had a genius retort whenever anyone asked if she and her DH were considering having children "Well, we're really into anal at the moment, so probably not anytime soon..."

I used it twice post marriage when nosy parkers put their noses in and it silenced them completely. SO satisfying. Could be adapted for your aunt ;-)

Gingernaut · 16/04/2021 20:27

I'm gutted, I'm really close to my mother and tell her everything

Stop doing that.

If you want something kept secret, don't tell anyone.

bloodyhell19 · 16/04/2021 20:33

This to me sounds like she was talking about viagra? Not an abortion pill or contraceptive. Regardless, entirely inappropriate & I'd cut her out completely.

MumW · 16/04/2021 20:39

How about something along the lines of "Mum, what have you said to Aunty Judgy? I've just had a weird and totally inappropriate phone call from her enquiring about my love life and telling me I could take a pill."

ClarkeGriffin · 16/04/2021 21:00

Is your aunt childless by any chance? Doesn't forgive what she's doing, but that gives it a reason at least even if she is completely rude and insane about it.

I'd be so angry with my mother if she did that.

Wellpark · 16/04/2021 21:03

That is so bonkers! I reckon your mother has blabbed. I'd be raging if I was you and that is indeed the case. Sorry if it is

Original poster

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 21:09

My aunt is childless yes, she couldn't fathom why I would've ever wanted more than one child in the first place.

I really hope she was talking about viagra and nothing else, that would be the best of the three but still grossly inappropriate.

OP posts:

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 16/04/2021 21:11

Definitely approach it with your mum as though you know she has told her sister. It's harder for her to pretend she hasn't if she thinks you know she has said something. Along the lines of, "Why did you tell Auntie Nosey that I'm pregnant? She phoned me yesterday..."
I'd be absolutely raging at my mum for that and her sister can completely bugger off. It doesn't matter what she claims to have meant by it, it's a completely inappropriate question and comment. Added to the rest of her nonsense I think it's completely reasonable that you just stop talking to her.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 16/04/2021 21:15

Every day I read such crazy things in here that are so far from my life experience that it's like a different world. Who carries on like this

VettiyaIruken · 16/04/2021 21:21

Viagra? A pill you (the OP) can take?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 16/04/2021 21:23

Is your aunt childless by any chance? Doesn't forgive what she's doing, but that gives it a reason at least

Eh? Being childless is no “reason” to behave like this. Tactlessness and rudeness are not traits automatically conferred on the unbechilded

OP, I’d not have jumped to viagra as the reason for her comment, I’d have taken it to mean exactly what you have. It doesn’t sound like you gain anything from the relationship with your aunt, in fact the opposite as it makes you (understandably) stressed and probably on tenter hooks for what she’s going to come out with next, so cutting her off sounds the way to go.

BlackMarauder · 16/04/2021 21:29

I know you don't want to hear it but you have to put your mum on an info diet. She just can't help but blab which means she can't be your safe space. She deliberately gave her sister a weapon to hurt you with after you asked her to keep your pregnancy private.

I speak from experience. I used to tell my mum everything until I realized she's been telling her big mouth sister (who I have no relationship with) about my infertility. Apparently that same sister told everybody and I ended dealing with asinine sex advice from people who know nothing about reproduction. Stop telling your mum your business. It's the only way to protect yourself, trust me.

DontBeRidiculous · 16/04/2021 21:34

Sounds like she's just a weirdo. Nothing to do with being childless.

Definitely time to cut her out, block her number, whatever it takes to keep her out of your life. Your mother will probably carry on telling her about your life, but there's no reason you have to speak to her, yourself.

Original poster

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 21:36

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

Every day I read such crazy things in here that are so far from my life experience that it's like a different world. Who carries on like this

Do you mean me keeping the pregnancy private or my aunt saying what she did? sorry to ask, it wasn't clear.

I agree with those suggesting I stop sharing things with my mum if there's a chance she's passing it forward. It's crap because she has always been somebody I felt I can be totally open with.

I am planning on going NC with my aunt now regardless, I've found that the only thing I gain from maintaining contact is stress.

OP posts:

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