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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret pregnancy. CF relative phones up overstepping the mark. WWYD?

102 replies

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 18:55

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with our third child and keeping it private because I just knew there would be negative comments. I had a traumatic birth with our youngest and wound up with PND so want this pregnancy to be as stress free as possible.

We've told my best friend and my mother, that's it.

My mother is very close to her sister who I have outright asked her not to tell because she's one of the ones who'll stick her oar in and pass judgement. I'm almost 30 and she still speaks to me like a child.

My aunt called me this eve for a catch up (I very rarely answer the phone to be honest) and after a few minutes of benign chat she said "so how's your sex life" (tinkly laugh)

I was taken aback and said well that's private..

She then said "you're right, sorry, that was a bit blunt, but you know there's a pill you can take"

I just hung up.

So it's either one of two things..

My mother has mentioned the pregnancy and my aunt is implying I should have an abortion, or my aunt thinks in general I should be going on 'the pill' because we shouldn't be having more children, period.

How would you deal with this and AIBU to be fucking livid?

OP posts:

SushiYum · 16/04/2021 21:37

You need to talk to your mum NOW before you get anymore upset. Your auntie sounds like a weirdo, but I would’ve asked what she meant before handing up. I don’t think it will be viagra like PP have said. You’re a woman so you wouldn’t take it. She might be referring to the contraceptive pill.

Original poster

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 21:42

My mum's as much use as a chocolate fireguard after a few wines so there's little point trying to discuss it with her tonight if she's been drinking, I'll call her first thing tomorrow.

Yes I think contraceptive pill is a possibility, I know her well enough to know that in her mind us having another child would be disastrous. I don't like to jump to conclusions (I recognise the irony there) but all she kept going on about when we were having #2 was how impossible it would be given that our eldest is disabled.

OP posts:

Original poster

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 21:50

Changed my mind and called mum.

She's adamant she hasn't said a word.

"if I had told her, which I absolutely haven't, she wouldn't beat around the bush dropping hints she'd just come right out with it and say she knew" she said.

OP posts:

KoalaOok · 16/04/2021 21:56

That's even stranger!

SpongeCakeAddict · 16/04/2021 22:08

She's saying you should be on the pill.

And your mum is clearly lying.

I'm so sorry.

Draw a line under this - no further communication with aunt and lower contact with mum, even if it's just keeping any details of the pregnancy etc to yourselves.

diddl · 16/04/2021 22:15

It's all strange either way (imo).

She either thinks that Op's sex life needs viagra or that Op should avail herself of the pill or have used MAP?

It's so out of left field-unless sex is often talked about & she was trying to get a joke in somehow.

Blah blah blah-"oh you can a pill for that"

AramintaLee · 16/04/2021 22:15

Yeah, I also think she was trying to be funny by suggesting viagra. Maybe your response to her asking how's your sex like (which is none of her business!) made her think you weren't getting any.

Regardless, she seems to not understand boundaries.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 16/04/2021 22:15

Do you mean me keeping the pregnancy private or my aunt saying what she did? sorry to ask, it wasn't clear

No, not keeping the pregnancy quiet, that's normal but living so much in each other's pockets, people having weird views about how many children other people have, not being able to respect a confidence, not having any filters on conversations ...

It all just sounds soooo stressful

diddl · 16/04/2021 22:16

""if I had told her, which I absolutely haven't,"

Over egging it a bit there?

Well, you know your Mum, Op & what the most likely explanation is.

Penistoe · 16/04/2021 22:20

My first thought was she was talking about viagra.

Have you asked your mum did she tell her?

Nith · 16/04/2021 22:20

Face it, it's not something you were going to be able to keep secret for much longer, is it? At least this way it's over and done with, you don't have to spend weeks wondering what her reaction is going to be.

LouKelly · 16/04/2021 22:24

I understand your mum is your mum and you may want to keep her but just think about this ,they have obviously been talking about you behind your back and it doesnt sound very complimentary ,the aunt would no longer be mine and the mum would be at arms length for the rest of her life ,they sound like acouple of bitches to me ,i recognise them sadly ,are we related perhaps ?

normalsaline · 16/04/2021 22:24

Did she aye?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 16/04/2021 22:24

What a shitty situation. At least you've now made the decision to cut her out and save yourself some stress.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 16/04/2021 22:29

@normalsaline

Did she aye?

What does that mean?

Twatterati · 16/04/2021 22:33

Just an alternative thought.... could it be that your mum hasn't said anything, your aunt was just being hugely inappropriate to ask about your sex life and when you said 'it's private', she assumed there were problems and your OH needed a bit of help from 'the little blue pill' Viagra?

I'm probably clutching at straws but (a) I really hope your mum hasn't said anything and
(b) if she knows then either of the other pills she might be suggesting are totally inappropriate and massively out of order.

Hopefully this won't affect your relationship with your mum too much, but she needs to know when to keep a secret. I'm a total wimp so wouldn't say anything but I hope you are able to deal with it without it creating any issues.

Fab news about your pregnancy - hope everything goes well, you enjoy it and labour etc is a totally different experience from last time

Twatterati · 16/04/2021 22:34

Sorry - just read more of the thread and see someone else also thought this, so it's very possible it's what she meant. Still an idiot though 😂

thequeenoftarts · 16/04/2021 22:40

My granny used to have a great reply to these nosy interfering people

"When you pay my bills you get a say in my life, until then butt out"

Tubs11 · 16/04/2021 22:41

Sorry you have a week weird and creepy aunt

Original poster

thenerveofsome · 16/04/2021 22:42

It's possible. I really don't want to believe mum has said anything. If she has then it would be the first time, ever, that she'd have given me reason not to trust her.

Grr it's bloody annoying. I wish I quizzed her on what she was referring to before hanging up. I have her number blocked now and she doesn't text so I would need to ring her myself to ask.

Mum swears blind she wouldn't gossip about something so personal and seemed upset that I thought she would.

Very strange timing though isn't it

OP posts:

LadyLolaRuben · 16/04/2021 22:43

Tell her you're into anal so she's got nothing to worry about

SionnachGlic · 16/04/2021 22:44

Ignore her interfering commentary. Your family planning & how many children you want or have are none of her business. Just tell her you don't care to know what she thinks or feels or believes on that subject...it is off limits. Ask your Mother not to repeat any of her judgmental commentary disguised as concern.

Though I have to say, I did think viagra when I read your post. I thought it was odd & inappropriate but never occurred to me that she could have meant contraception or viagra. Strange topic for an Aunt to veer onto....none of mine would be brave enough...or inappropriate enough to be fair to them.

Mydogmylife · 16/04/2021 23:08

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Is your aunt childless by any chance? Doesn't forgive what she's doing, but that gives it a reason at least

Eh? Being childless is no “reason” to behave like this. Tactlessness and rudeness are not traits automatically conferred on the unbechilded

OP, I’d not have jumped to viagra as the reason for her comment, I’d have taken it to mean exactly what you have. It doesn’t sound like you gain anything from the relationship with your aunt, in fact the opposite as it makes you (understandably) stressed and probably on tenter hooks for what she’s going to come out with next, so cutting her off sounds the way to go.

Agreed, all childless/child free people do not automatically become massively inappropriate

GreenSlide · 16/04/2021 23:25

@thenerveofsome

It's possible. I really don't want to believe mum has said anything. If she has then it would be the first time, ever, that she'd have given me reason not to trust her.

Grr it's bloody annoying. I wish I quizzed her on what she was referring to before hanging up. I have her number blocked now and she doesn't text so I would need to ring her myself to ask.

Mum swears blind she wouldn't gossip about something so personal and seemed upset that I thought she would.

Very strange timing though isn't it

Has someone spotted you at the hospital for your scan or could they have guessed somehow? It be more inclined to think it's weird timing than your mums said something if she's always been trustworthy.

Sssloou · 16/04/2021 23:30

If you know it’s futile trying to talk to your Mum after a few drinks - how can you consider her recall reliable with respect to what she did or didn’t say to her sister?

If they are thick as thieves and your aunt has no other family then I would assume you, your DC and your life is discussed regularly by them both especially as aunt is so judgemental.

What does your own mother do to manage her intrusive sister being rude to her daughter? Does your Mum stand up for you? Does she support you and your stance against the aunt?

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