To have a small or big wedding

[AppleSpritz]

Hi

I’ve posted here to get some good advice! Me and dp would like to get married but we can’t decide if we should go small or go big.

Dp has been married once before but it’s my first. For anyone who had a big special wedding day (not necessarily stupidly expensive but a decent amount) would you do anything different? If you could go back would you save the money and have a small event instead? For people who had small registry office weddings, do you wish you’d spent more to have a fancy day? Part of me wants to wear the special dress and have the sit down meal with family and friends and sit in the room with all the decorations and flowers. But once the day is over, is it really worth it? I’m so torn, I’d happily have a small cheaper wedding but don’t know if I’ll regret not having my special day.

It's the people I remember.
I did love organising the day - and I wouldn't take that away. But honestly now it's who was there that sticks in my head - not the flowers, favours, room decor etc.
If I could advise my younger self I'd say hire a big local hall, hire buffet caterers cleaners and have a massive big buffet, loads of people. No tier 1,tier 2 invites.

I’d happily have a small cheaper wedding but don’t know if I’ll regret not having my special day

If my daughter said that, I’d tell her she was marrying for the wrong reasons. It’s about the lifetime vows and commitment to the person not the big day.

I understand it’s the vows and I know I’m marrying for the right reasons. But to be in a beautiful dress and in a beautiful venue and room full of your favourite flowers and pretty decorations is also very special for any woman

Organising my wedding stressed me right out, I found it very overwhelming! There was lots of family friction on my side too which didn't help, I didn't speak to my mum for four years because of how she acted in the approach to my wedding, and she didn't attend.

We went small, had ten guests and absolutely loved it! Had a fab day and I wouldn't change a thing, to be honest!

It's really not 'very special for any woman' - plenty of women are happy with a small wedding, I had a very small wedding (five at the register office plus two extra join us for lunch) - I don't regret it at all ... married over 30 years .

Especially now ... would you honestly want to plan a big expensive wedding?

We’re having a tiny registry office wedding and even organising that left me wondering why/how people cope with massive events. Just getting through to the registrars’ office nearly tipped me over the edge! Every friend of mine who had a big wedding was enormously stressed in the lead up to it, despite being so excited at the initial prospect of organising. Most felt the entire weight of responsibility fell to them, partners sort of checked out after the proposal or played the “I don’t mind” card on every decision. It totally depends what kind of person you are, but that kind of stress definitely did not appeal to us!

That sounds perfect! Where did you have the ceremony? And did you do a reception?

Big weddings involve stress, money and, judging by MN , fall-outs.

Keep it small, intimate and low-cost. You get to remember more of it, less chance of fall-outs and the money ( in some instances , vast amounts of money) that you'll save will pay for something precious and worthwhile for you and your partner.

All good wishes to you both.

I had a wedding with 14 of us.

Was brilliant. Didn’t cost the Earth and no debt to pay off.

I’ve had both

First wedding was a very expensive do (SE house deposit territory) and I was a Princess for the day. Complete waste of money, I was young and stupid and obsessed with the wedding but didn’t think of the marriage afterwards. It took longer for me to get the divorce than I was married for.

Having divorced and met DH (the second) I just wanted to be married to him. We had a tiny registry office marriage and meal after, organised in about 2 weeks or so and it was absolutely perfect. 9 years on and still going strong.

I much preferred my small wedding to the big do, and it was really special to us.

IIf my daughter said that, I’d tell her she was marrying for the wrong reasons. It’s about the lifetime vows and commitment to the person not the big day.

^ this. The day isn't special other than the two of you promising yourselves to each other.

I've done both. First one lasted a couple of years and was £££ second one v inexpensive and we're 20 years in. (Although he's a dick sometimes).

I had a medium sized wedding, a beautiful dress at a very nice registry office and then a reception at a hotel. My only regret was that I couldn’t provide any free alcohol in the evening. We had an arrival drink, wine with the meal and an a toast but I would have liked to have had a slightly bigger budget.
I have no regrets about the dress, flowers, number of guests etc. I wouldn’t have wanted a really small wedding.

If you had small weddings and not put details please do tell so I get ideas

We got married at the registry office and then went out for a lovely lunch. Best decision we ever made. Save your money and use it for an amazing honeymoon or house.

Very small wedding, amazing day followed by fantastic honeymoon.

Definitely about the marriage not the wedding day. Still together over 20 years later.

Best wedding I ever went to was one in the Caribbean, 30 of us went and it was very memorable (and pretty cheap for the bride and groom who got a holiday out of it as well)

I agree with previous poster about evening guests...bin them off. I had a big wedding which was great but hard work getting around to talk to all of the guests, and just when I started to relax, the evening guests arrived and I had to start all over again. That sounds really awful of me; I have a huge family and, as well as not having evening guests, I also wouldn't have invited my cousin/great aunt etc, out of obligation. There's got to be a happy medium. Good luck OP. Xx

I had two smallish ones .Small registry office in my hometown and an amazing ceremony abroad in France.
What you realise in the planning ( and obviously it’s most people’s first experience of organising a wedding) is that the cost in no way reflects on how good the day is,
The registry office with just me and my husband and out children was so special. Don’t under estimate the power of the actual vows!

I had a big wedding - church, marquee in the garden 200 guests. I wanted to do this and have no regrets but I would go back and save on the following things:

Get a cheaper florist - sole trader type and work this cost right down.
Work the catering costs lowers by having hog roasts and salads/sides on tables.
Not such a posh marquee
In hind sight I would even consider hiring a dress - who actually knows?
cheaper invites

We had a big wedding - 100+ guests, all the trimmings. It wasn’t what I wanted at the time but felt there was an expectation that’s what we should do. I didn’t mind and I enjoyed the day but if I had my time again it would’ve been me, my partner, two randoms as witnesses, and just get the job done.

@AppleSpritz

I understand it’s the vows and I know I’m marrying for the right reasons. But to be in a beautiful dress and in a beautiful venue and room full of your favourite flowers and pretty decorations is also very special for any woman

Not for me, the idea filled me with horror! We went to New York, just the two of us, and got married in Central Park. We did wedding outfits (obviously not a full on bridal gown!), I had my hair and make up done professionally and we had a photographer who got amazing photos of us in the park, Times Square, Grand Central, etc. It was perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I think you need to consider what your reasons are for having lots of people really? If you have a big circle of friends and really want to, and hate the thought of missing anyone out, I get that.

We had a 180 guest wedding - quite a lot of guests were parents' friends, but we're both Jewish and it had always been kind of my expectation a wedding would be like that and it was nice to include them as extended family, and to express our commitment in front of wider community.

I had really good value flowers and cake, I wouldn’t spend loads on them. I had a fab dress ( it was actually in the evening section of a London department store and I had a personal shopper at the store help me with shoes, underwear, accessories etc). I don’t regret the dress, I’ve loved looking at my photos during the last 25 years.

We were 4 in total. Great day 😁

My idea of hell is a big wedding. We had lived together for ten years. Booked a register office and 8 guests including a best woman. I wore a nice outfit (red) and had flowers, no other frills, no reception, we just flew off on holiday. No regrets at all.