To have a small or big wedding

[AppleSpritz]

Hi

I’ve posted here to get some good advice! Me and dp would like to get married but we can’t decide if we should go small or go big.

Dp has been married once before but it’s my first. For anyone who had a big special wedding day (not necessarily stupidly expensive but a decent amount) would you do anything different? If you could go back would you save the money and have a small event instead? For people who had small registry office weddings, do you wish you’d spent more to have a fancy day? Part of me wants to wear the special dress and have the sit down meal with family and friends and sit in the room with all the decorations and flowers. But once the day is over, is it really worth it? I’m so torn, I’d happily have a small cheaper wedding but don’t know if I’ll regret not having my special day.

We had something in between. About 60 people and all the usual wedding stuff, but lots was DIYed or donated from friends. We hired a self catering venue and I made some of the decorations, the rest I got from Etsy and eBay...my bouquet was ordered through Interflora, I didn't have any other flowers. Cars were loaned by friends who own vintage cars. Meal was a BBQ, my dress was an ex display one that I got for a fraction of the original price. We bought alcohol from the cash and carry and everyone just helped themselves. Relatives who were ex caterers did canapés. We did spend a lot on a photographer. Total cost for the whole thing plus stag and hen nights was around £7000, which we saved up ourselves.
It was a great day and I don't regret spending the money...now that we have a child and a bigger mortgage I could never justify spending that amount on a party for ourselves, so it was our last chance to please ourselves before adult responsibilities started. If we were wealthier we'd have gone even bigger and fancier, but I wasn't prepared to get into debt for a wedding. So I feel like it was the best of both worlds - we didn't go overboard but I also don't feel like I've missed out on the "big day".
So I'd say go for the best that you can easily afford - it doesn't have to be either extreme.

@Aquamarine1029

We got married at the registry office and then went out for a lovely lunch. Best decision we ever made. Save your money and use it for an amazing honeymoon or house.

Me too. Weddings are a dreadful waste of money imo.

We had a big wedding. 120 people in a church, followed by a barn reception. I loved every moment.

We could have gone off to a register office with just witnesses and we’d have been equally married at the end of the day. But we would have missed out on having all the people we love in one place, celebrating with us.

You can still have a lovely dress, flowers and be in a lovely setting for a smaller wedding! Some registry offices are beautiful. I bought a lovely vintage evening gown for £150 ish but still paid for hair and makeup as I’m rubbish at it. We had registry office wedding and reception for 40 family and friends in private dining room of a very good restaurant, with flowers and decorations etc, then went to a pub, at a fraction of the cost of a big wedding. It felt very special and luxurious and suited us as we liked being with our closest people, which fitted the number limit in the restaurant neatly. Do what suits you! If you really want 100+ people there, fine. But if you really only care about having close family and friends, it does open up some possibilities. And you don’t have to have some puritanical affair if you make it small- just like you don’t need to splash the cash and spend thousands on seat covers or fancy favours if you do a big one.
Personally I was happy to treat our close family to something special but also not have spent our life savings on one day.

We had a small wedding but we were students, poor, in our mid-20s and intentionally only had a month to plan it. I couldn't think of anything worse than spending a year/year and a half event planning. looking back - I think we should have made a bit more effort and gone for a mid-sized one.

Our small-sized wedding basically involved a registry office - 14 people - but a central London location - we are both from London and were living in the center at the time so picked a central London registry office which looked quite good in the photos, we then taxied everyone to a super nice restaurant for lunch for the afternoon. In the evening, we had hired a room in one of our favorite bars in London and had about 30-40 guests. People said they had fun, but as I said, we were young twenty-somethings in London and it was fun.

I would definitely second what everyone else said - hire a photographer. Flowers don't matter, neither do the napkins but a good photographer is important. We didn't have one and I still regret that.

Looking back yes we should have made more of an effort, but I find all event organizing very stressful, plus we'd only just come back from abroad so I guess it suited us at the time. Fifteen years later, I hardly ever think about that day but we're happy and honestly, a wedding is such a small part of marriage so dont sweat it.

We had a fairly big wedding, about 160 people for the day. Walking into the church and seeing everyone we loved in the world in one room was the most amazing and overwhelming bit for me so I would do that every time.

Is it really that important to have a photographer? I've been married twice and don't think I ever looked at the photos after the first time? Certainly don't have any on display or anything like that ...

Ooh I do. I still love my wedding photos after 14 years. They’re so much better than any friends took. We didn’t have many formal shots and we didn’t have an album, which took the cost down. I didn’t care about cars (went in a taxi!), didn’t buy a posh cake (M&S wedding cake, which was lovely), did my own flowers (orchids I’d brought back from a work trip to Singapore the week before!) and didn’t have a video, but I decided pro photos was important to me.

First wedding, 50 yrs ago- parents said I could have a moderately expensive wedding or they would give me the money to travel overseas. I took the trip, a whole year, all over the world on a shoestring, working in a big city as a translator to fund en route. Second wedding - 2 friends, registry office, new M&S linen top for the occasion, met office mates in pub for a few drinks after work. Perfect. First wedding-70s, such an awful time for women,actually. Second-I just knew it was right. Never regretted my travels for a second, the world before it became overrun by tourists. Did regret first marriage though.

100 people, at the time none of my friends had children so was fortunate they had disposable income so we did it abroad in husband's country in Europe. (Half friends were in that country already) We made sure they were fed and watered for the entire weekend, they paid for the flights and hotel and transport. This meant that we had everything, all trimmings inc all drinks for about 1/5 of how much it would have cost in the UK. They also have a much better structure in that you pay per head, this includes wedding cake, decoration and flowers to what you want, just needed to show a mood board. Just had to hire the music and photographers, plus, I love to organise an event.

Super small wedding here. Me, DH, our witnesses and our toddler DD. I hired a photographer and we had a fancy meal afterwards and champagne, etc. I'm still so happy we did it that way.

We both have big families and the alternative would have been a massive shindig. Not my sort of thing at all

Sorry OP posted too soon, I know I wanted a big party, husband is an introvert and hated the idea. I did toy around with the idea of keeping it super small, but I wanted a day where all of our friends came together to celebrate us. And we were shown so much love and support on the day, and family all over the world getting together for an event of celebration and not a funeral!!

Whatever you want. but not all women want a huge fuss-a-thon. Marriage is great. Wedding was a 15 minute hassle.

We had a small but expensive UK wedding!

Less than 15 people but I reckon it still must have cost well over £12k!

I think people assume small has to mean cheap and boring but we just had the most amazing day ever with the people who matter to us. It was just a day of complete and utter happiness for everyone involved and no fussing over all the things you need to fuss over with weddings.

I’m not a very sociable person but that didn’t mean I wanted to get married in a registry office.

I’m trying to say it doesn’t have to be either registry office/abroad or massive thing in a church/hotel. There’s such a huge middle ground.

Search for ‘small wedding’ venues in your local area or the area you want to get married and I bet there’s some amazing choices so you can still have a beautiful, luxurious day without loads of people there you don’t really want.

You don't necessarily have to choose big or small. We had a pretty small wedding - 40 for the meal and a further 30 for drinks in the evening. Nothing was hugely expensive and we didn't get into debt but it was nice and I think most people enjoyed it, which is what's important, other than the actual ceremony I suppose! It was 9 years ago and we're still doing pretty well.

We married abroad. 25 guests, all nearest and dearest. Beach BBQ instead of formal, sit down meal. Hired a planner to book the venue, photographer, arrange marriage licence, celebrant, etc.

We just boarded the plane with our friends and family and had a great holiday with those that mean the most to us. Wouldn't change a thing!

We had about 90 people at our wedding.

Church ceremony (preacher, organist and choir were wedding guests), served buffet followed by ceilidh in the church hall (caterer and folk dance enthusiasts from the congregation) with cake made by one of my sister's friends.

Wore my mum's wedding dress and the bridesmaids had dresses they would wear again. Another sister's friend did our makeup, and we did our own hair. Bought a vintage necklace and borrowed some earrings to match. H wore his uni interview suit, still fitting seven years on. Arrived at church in my dad's car adorned with a ribbon. Arranged the flowers and set up the hall tables ourselves. Invitations were calligraphed by H's younger brother and photocopied (in the Physics department, which was one of the cheapest).

Hall made available for long-distance guests to spread their sleeping bags. Some supplies provided for breakfast (also, inadvertently, extra wine, which BIL discovered under the counter...). Slightly older and child guests slept at my parents' house or next door in the vicarage. Some friends came to my parents' house for lunch (leftovers) after next morning's service.

We did employ a professional photographer. Everyone seems to have been enjoying themselves.

My wedding cost around £1300, which included my dress - which was a proper wedding dress. I also had a fresh bouquet.

We went to the registry office withbour Mums and then had our reception in my mums back garden. We had tables all done up, gazebos, bbq, buffet and £300 worth of alcohol! My mum had spent so much time making her garden pretty with flowers, pretty lights, decorations and painting fences. It was beautiful.

I wouldn't change it. It was so very us - neither like to be center of attention and it was a small gathering (maybe 50 people throughout the day).

We've been married nearly 6 years now!

If I could do it again I'd go very close friends and immediate family. Sod the Aunties, Cousins and friends that I never see. Honestly we could have saved a fortune and had a whole lot less hassle.

I tried to involve me SIL by having her as a bridesmaid, yet when it came to her wedding I wasn't allowed to know anything about it. I really wish I hadn't bothered.

Small wedding limited numbers would have solved a bunch of arguments about shape of top table, (I wanted round, less formal, MIL wanted traditional), pressure to invite ILs friends because they'd been at other people's kids weddings.

Covid is the perfect excuse to limit the numbers and save a fortune.

I had a small wedding. We wrote our own vows and that was the best bit for me. No regrets.
The sun rises just the same the day after, just with a small one you're not in debt.

Not sure if it’s medium or large but 70ish to the day and around 120 evening. We got a package detail with a lovely private hotel locally (not a chain). They organised flowers / centre pieces/ sweet cart/ DJ etc and it was around 5400 in 2016. It wasn’t stressful at all in my opinion but we got loads done in advance and DIY / dropped it off at the venue and they sorted it out.

At the time I did think this is a lot of money and I can’t wait just to be on honeymoon. However I look back and wish I could do it all again. I want to really soak it all in, I loved having every person I cared about in one room. I would do it again in a heart beat. If I got to choose a few days to relive my wedding day is one of them for sure. No regrets other than not getting a band and videographer...my regrets are around me trying to keep costs down and not just going for it

@Allthefilmsarecrap ohh your wedding sounds interesting. What made your small wedding cost 12k? What did you eat?

You are right people assume small = cheaper but would do love to know more details 😊

My idea of hell is being the centre of attention at a big event wedding. I think that's why I put off marrying for years.

We decided to get married a few years ago, while in New York. Just us and DC as witness. I had a lovely, but non traditional dress, DH wore a suit for the first time in years (and looked gorgeous!), and we had a meal at a gorgeous restaurant. That cost us probably about £2k, plus the cost of the break in New York on top of that. When we got home, we had a big party at our house for about 60 people, with a cake, speeches, loads of food and drink - I did the food as I love catering for a party. It was perfect for us. We're planning a big anniversary party this year if we get properly out of covid restrictions!

First ignore the wedding/marriage issue. Do you regularly host big parties and find you enjoy them? Or do you find them mega stressful? And how do you like big extended family meet ups?

We did a large cheap wedding. Get married at end of day and straight into non-formal food, drinks and dancing at a pub-like place. It was great and people had a lot of fun (and very few had to travel to it). However, I still did find it quite stressful. Now, 10 years on I can see I'm just not the kind of person who seeks out opportunities to be the centre of the party, so why do it on such an important day?