AIBU to cancel my mum's visit?

[Morningstar66]

So this whole last year has been probably typical for many in that there has been a lot of family drama on my side about risk taking and rule following etc. In this scenario my OH and I plus two toddlers have been the highly stringent cautious ones, following the rules to the letter and sometimes more. We are early/mid forties but healthy other then some asthma. If one of us got ill for some time it would make it extremely difficult on the other plus OH always gets hit hard by viruses it seems.

My mum on the other hand has been the opposite, constantly going on about how upset she feels about being 'kept away' from the children, visits family in their houses, absolutely insisting on Christmas (causing me an emotional breakdown as i was refusing) basically her feelings matter more then what we want or safety or da big bad rules.

Obviously now things are opening up again and mum has been overtly asking to break social distancing rules by cuddling the children. I've just arranged a walk with her when she mentioned that she had just got back from staying in a relatives house. i just kind of left it as i was surprised but have now had a conversation with OH where hes angry that she has yet again broken the rules and then expects to see us as normal without a quarantine period.

She really struggles with keeping her distance during walks, just getting distracted and wandering closer and closer forcing me to move further and further. Patting the children giving them things etc dispute being told to stay away.

None of it is malicious she is just ruled by her feeling and our endless talks about it r.e. risk (she doesn't care), us not wanting to give it to her (we are being silly/paranoid/over anxious, she'll 'be ok')

My OH is very black and white about these things and says if she doesn't care about the risk then how can we trust her. For context. She has had her first Jab, we have not.

She has now offered to take a lateral flow test before coming and while i would likely accept that i think my OH is just pissed off about everything (to be fair i'm also just so exhausted by us needing to constantly police her).

I now don't know what to do. Ultimately i do agree with OH that her rule breaking is bad. I'm annoyed about her lack of care but i also can't see how that justifies rejecting her visit (for a walk) if she has the test which from what i have read is very accurate.

So yes. A larger conversation needs to happen with her about respecting boundaries, and how we are tired of policing her etc etc but what shall i do about this walk and lateral flow test?

My fear is that if i say yes to the walk and test, the tests will just become an excuse for her to do exactly as she pleases and its fine (ill just take a test) and as this is literally what has just happened.

I'm tempted to call and just say don't come, and face the fallout, after all we are already the weird anxious ones. I should say i'm very much a people pleaser which is why i'm struggling so much, Its causing conflict in my marriage now as we keep discussing her (we both say we are exhausted of the argument) So i think i need an outside perspective.

I’m sorry but I don’t get all the angst over it.

You don’t want to do the walk so say no.

Or do it and then don’t agree to other walks if you don’t want to.

You sound militant.

When will you feel comfortable with resuming life, out of interest? I probably wouldn’t bother too much trying to see you if I was just going to get told off like a naughty schoolgirl, but it’s sad to keep her away from her grandchildren.

I can understand your mum being upset. Plenty of people have been seeing their grandchildren properly within the rules because of support bubbles and childcare bubbles, so it’s going to be hurtful for her when you won’t let her do the same.

There is literally no reason for you to stop her seeing the grandchildren if she’s testing before she comes, you can’t pass on covid if you don’t have covid. It just sounds like your DH is being controlling for no valid reason and you are going along with it.

Grandparents who can't accept boundaries aren't worth having imho. If no one is getting any benefit from these walks because she is causing anxiety then why bother. She sounds selfish and only after her entitled sense of "right," to grandchildren but totally disinterested in being supportive or listening.

Give her a swerve.

It's the lack of respect for your choices isn't it op? If she was touching my dc despite supposed to be social distancing that would piss me off...

How is she going to give the children covid by patting them on the head

Have you checked the rates in your area? It’s vanishingly unlikely she will pass covid on to your children by being close to them on a walk outside. I wish people who are this stringent with the rules would at least do some reading up and apply some critical thought.

I don’t see how you living this way is sustainable. Covid is here to stay, and ultimately, you are going to have to get on with it. You need to be proportionate about the risk, and really, it’s not worth living a militant joyless lifestyle ‘just in case’.

You are taking it to ridiculous levels. As is your OH.

I've given up on the rules except for mask wearing now. I did some time ago and I am glad I did. If I had not then I would never have seen my lovely Dad again before he died.

I now have the issue over how to handle things with my vulnerable and increasingly disabled mother who depended a lot on my Dad. One thing I simply WON'T do is leave her with no family visits and only phone contact indefinitely.

Family is so much more important than a set of arbitrary rules.

It's still up to op how she manages her own dc during Covid though.. Not her dm.

I'm feeling a bit mixed about this. If she takes a test before meeting up and has had a vaccine, I would assume that the chances of her passing it on to your family are low. I also understand that she just wants to see her family and may be done with all of this (I certainly am).
But I also understand that you have every right to want to follow all the rules, and even if she does not believe them,it's your choice to follow the rules.
Maybe do the walk but reiterate to not hug the children etc if that's what you don't want, and if she can't do it tell her you won't meet up until more rules are relaxed. Although,I have a feeling you have pretty much already done this. Hard one.

When do you think you will be ready i don't think living as you are will be a benefit to your family it sounds joyless I am meaning this kindly but you and your children need to start life again and meeting your mum might be the first step.

It's been a challenging year for everyone. Hopefully we are now heading in the right direction.

Lateral flow tests - whilst a good thing - are not fabulously accurate. False positives are unlikely however having done them myself twice a week since November, if you are doing them yourself you really need to be careful that you get the right spots - if you don't you might as well dip the stick in tap water. They are really hard to get right either without full instructions by a trained individual or someone trained doing the test for you. Therefore I think a 1 off test she has simply collected from the pharmacy wouldn't be that reliable.

You need to be careful with your marriage here OP. Your husband does sound a bit tied up over the covid regs, but at the same time you say you are a people pleaser and you mum seems tondo as she wants. Don't let your mother override the children's father as far as they are concerned unless you think he is being generally controlling - a very hard balance - and very difficult for us to judge based on what you have said so far. Covid rule following is certainly an emotive issue!

Seeing other peoples opinions it's so hard! I also would have ignored rules to see my dying dad, 100%
I also agree that it's up to OP what they want to do, and if it's following the rules that is their choice.
Everybody's circumstances and priorities are different I think we should all respect each other.

I wouldn't meet someone who wasn't following social distancing. With others or with you.

Yes lots of people have been breaking the rules but that's actually the problem and the reason we've all been going through this shit so long.

I don't think I get all the angst either OP. Do the walk or don't do the walk but I don't see how your mum offering to get an LF test isn't good enough for your husband.

Oh, and I also encourage my mother to have the occasional friend round and in her house for coffee etc. Why not? She is recently bereaved after over 60 years of marriage and is close to the edge because of it.

It gives us some reassurance that should there be a real problem when my sibling are not there (we live several hours drive away with our own families) then we would be notified and help sought.

If she's taking tests and is negative for the virus, what are you worried about happening? If she doesn't have it, there is no risk to you or your family. If you're worried about passing it on to her, she clearly doesn't care so shouldn't be an issue.

I think you’re overreacting really. She’s your mum and it’s up to her what risks she wants to take; life is going back to normal now

Everyone has had their own boundaries over this pandemic and I'm sick of people judging others.
However, that said, this is your boundary and juts like you should respect hers, she should respect yours too.
If you or your husband wanted to take risks by going out, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have shut yourself away for the last year. Therefore you are completely within your rights to back out of the walk until you're happy

I get that she is breaking the rules to a much bigger extent than you are happy with. But equally not allowing her to have some limited outdoor contact. With your children is pretty hard. Do you really walk keeping 2 m between you? I think you could start by trying to relax on that front.

I have told her we can basically do normal things , hugs etc from May 17th when the rules say we can. I do actually like my Mum :) its just hard work at the moment fending her off.

I do feel like i'm either causing conflict with my Husband who is very black and white about risk and following the rules. OR causing conflict with my mother and i'm stuck in the middle. Its hard to justify to someone that, Yes we can take some risks when realistically he will most likely be the one worst affected in a worst case scenario.

@RoseRedRoseBlue

I don’t see how you living this way is sustainable. Covid is here to stay, and ultimately, you are going to have to get on with it. You need to be proportionate about the risk, and really, it’s not worth living a militant joyless lifestyle ‘just in case’.

I agree with this sentiment so much. You cannot spend forever not doing things just because something bad might happen. It's absolutely going to do you and your children no favours to live in a constant state of heightened anxiety.

Additionally you don't mention your dad so does this mean your mum lives alone? If so why on earth haven't you bubbled with the poor women?

Again, if she takes a test and is negative what are you and your husband worried about?

@LittleOwl153

thanks yes thats it. He is their father too, and a wonderful one. I think if she was more respectful of our perspective and broke the rules but was 100% with us we would find this easier. I do think there is resentment (feel it too) and fatigue because we constantly need to be on guard and that colours everything.

Are you not going to work? Kids not going to nursery? Are you really shut off in a little bubble at home because your husband ‘might’ be a bit ill if he had covid?

You know, for lots of people its not ideal to take time off work. For the flu, an ear infection, whiplash, a broken leg...you know, all the things we didn’t think about before because we got on with our lives. Nice you’ve been able to have the luxury of cocooning yourself away from a virus that you’d be unlikely to get properly ill from. Many have not.