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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel my mum's visit?

87 replies

Morningstar66 · 15/04/2021 08:56

So this whole last year has been probably typical for many in that there has been a lot of family drama on my side about risk taking and rule following etc. In this scenario my OH and I plus two toddlers have been the highly stringent cautious ones, following the rules to the letter and sometimes more. We are early/mid forties but healthy other then some asthma. If one of us got ill for some time it would make it extremely difficult on the other plus OH always gets hit hard by viruses it seems.

My mum on the other hand has been the opposite, constantly going on about how upset she feels about being 'kept away' from the children, visits family in their houses, absolutely insisting on Christmas (causing me an emotional breakdown as i was refusing) basically her feelings matter more then what we want or safety or da big bad rules.

Obviously now things are opening up again and mum has been overtly asking to break social distancing rules by cuddling the children. I've just arranged a walk with her when she mentioned that she had just got back from staying in a relatives house. i just kind of left it as i was surprised but have now had a conversation with OH where hes angry that she has yet again broken the rules and then expects to see us as normal without a quarantine period.

She really struggles with keeping her distance during walks, just getting distracted and wandering closer and closer forcing me to move further and further. Patting the children giving them things etc dispute being told to stay away.

None of it is malicious she is just ruled by her feeling and our endless talks about it r.e. risk (she doesn't care), us not wanting to give it to her (we are being silly/paranoid/over anxious, she'll 'be ok')

My OH is very black and white about these things and says if she doesn't care about the risk then how can we trust her. For context. She has had her first Jab, we have not.

She has now offered to take a lateral flow test before coming and while i would likely accept that i think my OH is just pissed off about everything (to be fair i'm also just so exhausted by us needing to constantly police her).

I now don't know what to do. Ultimately i do agree with OH that her rule breaking is bad. I'm annoyed about her lack of care but i also can't see how that justifies rejecting her visit (for a walk) if she has the test which from what i have read is very accurate.

So yes. A larger conversation needs to happen with her about respecting boundaries, and how we are tired of policing her etc etc but what shall i do about this walk and lateral flow test?

My fear is that if i say yes to the walk and test, the tests will just become an excuse for her to do exactly as she pleases and its fine (ill just take a test) and as this is literally what has just happened.

I'm tempted to call and just say don't come, and face the fallout, after all we are already the weird anxious ones. I should say i'm very much a people pleaser which is why i'm struggling so much, Its causing conflict in my marriage now as we keep discussing her (we both say we are exhausted of the argument) So i think i need an outside perspective.

OP posts:
Onairjunkie · 15/04/2021 10:07

It sounds like you and your other half are living in a pit of angst and anxiety and I may be wrong, but that you defer to him.

Also, as you’re both in your mid forties, aren’t you entitled for the jab now?

badacorn · 15/04/2021 10:07

If the visit is going to wind your DH up and cause problems there the put it off for a while. Your mum will be fine waiting a bit longer.

LAMPS1 · 15/04/2021 10:36

I’d do the walk happily and cheerfully and be happy to see her.
I would also thank her for taking the test beforehand as it eases your mind a little bit.
But at the same time, I would warn her that you will still be enforcing the social distancing rule and will have no choice but to cut the walk short if she isn’t able to agree on that.

redtshirt50 · 15/04/2021 10:36

Obviously, it's up to you whether you want to go on the walk or not. And your mum should respect your wishes.

But I think YABVU (and so is your OH), the chances of you getting ill are SO SO low. You could get run over on the way to the park, but is that stopping you from going? No.

I understand your mum wanting to start living again and enjoying time with her grandkids. She's taking a test FFS!

I agree with PP look up infection rates in your area, look up how unlikely to virus is to be spread outside, start understanding the actual risk you face. Then make an informed decision.

HappyGoPlucky · 15/04/2021 10:40

@Morningstar66

A PP said that actually the tests aren't that effective when done at home. Are there any stats on that :(

About her taking the test and it being negative. Our concern is setting a precedent that she can just do what she likes and then take a test before she sees us to 'prove' she is safe. We can pass it on to her (im not testing a 2 and 3 year old fgs!) not that she give a shit.

There's something on the news today saying that lateral flow tests are 82% accurate.

It's your decision. You'll get all kinds of responses here just like you would out there in the real world.

I've been bending the rules with my mum for a few months now - she's still hardly seen her grandchildren over the last year and lives for them.

Hopefully once this is all over your relationship with your family will recover. Just reiterate you're just trying to keep everyone safe. They may disagree but they should respect your decision.Thanks

PegPeople · 15/04/2021 10:40

@badacorn

If the visit is going to wind your DH up and cause problems there the put it off for a while. Your mum will be fine waiting a bit longer.
I honestly don't think the advice to resolve this issue should be to basically bow down and allow her DH to make the decision just because it will wind him up.

This is the OPs mother she shouldn't be expected to not see her grandchildren outside after taking a test and having the vaccine just because her son in law says he doesn't want her to.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 15/04/2021 10:43

Has your dm had the vaccine? My parents have and they are now seeing ds as we all feel they are at less risk,as are we as we've had it too.

MaryQuietContrary · 15/04/2021 12:54

You need to talk to your husband. It's not the case that 16th May is risky but 17th May is not. 17th May has been picked as it's 5 weeks after 12 April. That is all. Covid is staying and your h needs to think how he can reduce his personal risk without stopping you and the kids living. Your h sounds unusually anxious when he's not CEV and must realise that your son in nursery will be touching other children and staff while there? Do you know the rate per 1000 where you live? Patting a child on the head isn't going to transmit Covid. Will he feel better if he looked up the probability of children catching it and becoming ill?

It's clear what your mum and husband want but what do you want? You're an adult woman who can have her own opinion. You shouldn't do things just to keep them happy which is the vibe I get from your post.

Personally if I wanted to see my mum I would absolutely I would take my kids. At their ages you are able to control the number of people that they come into contact with and the chances of catching it from granny has reduced massively thanks to her vaccine. Have you considered the possibility that she's steady had Covid from mixing so much? You were definitely right to not celebrate Xmas but you seem unusually cautious when there seems to be little reason to be feeling that way.

MaryQuietContrary · 15/04/2021 12:57

Don't rely only LF tests. They are very inaccurate when self administered and if you test positive you still need a PCR test to confirm as PCR is more accurate. They are using LF with secondary schools in the hope of finding asymptomatic cases as the younger you are the less likely you are to have symptoms and because they've bought loads from their friends and might as well look like they care.

PatrickBatemann · 15/04/2021 12:58

🙄🙄🙄

OverTheRainbow88 · 15/04/2021 13:04

Other than it being legal why do you think it will be so much safer come middle of may?

blubberyboo · 15/04/2021 13:06

Your poor mum and your poor children

You sound like you are raising them in a military camp. Honestly when outside on walks telling her to keep away from the children will just do them all emotional harm.

I think you and DH are controlling

Plenty of grandparents have their grandchildren inside their homes for a childcare bubble. Maybe you should explore if this could be enacted for your family group if it helps you feel more comfortable that you are staying within the rules

Dunkindonuts8 · 15/04/2021 13:09

Your poor mum. How will you feel if your children treat you like this when they're older?

HunkyPunk · 15/04/2021 13:10

It makes me unbearably sad to hear of relationships suffering as a result of people unswervingly following arbitrary rules without thinking logically about the actual risks. So now you're allowed to go to the hairdressers (close contact, confined space, many younger hairdressers won't have had vaccine), but not allowed to have a cup of tea with someone indoors, sitting 2m apart, even if you've both been vaccinated. Sometimes you have to think for yourself.

Frazzled2207 · 15/04/2021 13:10

@RoseRedRoseBlue

I don’t see how you living this way is sustainable. Covid is here to stay, and ultimately, you are going to have to get on with it. You need to be proportionate about the risk, and really, it’s not worth living a militant joyless lifestyle ‘just in case’.
Agree with this tbh. We are following the rules by meeting outside where possible but parents and PiLs are vaccinated, we are taking regular LFTs plus right now there is minimal covid in our local area (and many other areas) so I’m taking a pragmatic approach. No way will I stop them hugging their grandchildren if they want to. I suspect the government will never formally say that we’re now allowed to hug family.
PatrickBatemann · 15/04/2021 13:12

Agree with the 'poor mum' comments; I came even imagine treating my dm like this. Your husband sounds like a control freak too. So you'd be happy with her taking a test before a walk ridiculous but because he isn't, you're thinking of cancelling it? Why does his opinion trump yours?

PatrickBatemann · 15/04/2021 13:12

can't

RoseRedRoseBlue · 15/04/2021 13:24

The comments around May 17th are interesting - it seems that some people are buying are buying into this concept of a safety ‘guarantee’ at this point, when of course, the reality is that it will be no different to today. I have been largely pragmatic about Covid, but am both concerned and angry about the amount of people living in a state of fear about it all. I think we largely have the Government to thank for that.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 15/04/2021 13:27

Honestly it’s like some people WANT to shut themselves away and be fearful that covid is going to leap out at them when they go outside. You’re not even vulnerable. I think some people are enjoying the drama of it to be honest. Fine for you to live under your rock with your illogical military rules while life goes on for everyone else but it is shit to inflict that on your kids.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 15/04/2021 13:32

@SmidgenofaPigeon you have summed it up. It’s been said on here many a time, but some people, are revelling in this.

Allwokedup · 15/04/2021 13:32

Do you get in a car? That’s a risk. Do you fly in a plane? Another risk. Life is full of risks you have to weigh up the risks. If you got Covid it doesn’t mean you will die. For most people it is a mild illness. Your husband is being too much. I feel very sorry for your mum.

ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2021 13:35

You have a child in childcare - and even with a 'bubble' that means he is in ocntact with other children - and all of their families (and all the people their families have contact with) via them.

You are fine with that, because of lateral flow testing. Yet somehow lateral flow testing isn't good enough for you mother?

Foolintherain · 15/04/2021 13:42

Let your mum hug her grandkids ffs.

Do you think the 1000s of grandparents who are still doing child care are not hugging their grandkids?

Writerandreader · 15/04/2021 13:43

It must be very hard for your mum and she must really miss her grandkids.

I have to say thst while yes boundaries matter I think you and your husband are being very over anxious. It's outdoors and even if she touches the kids children that age are less likely to pick it up anyway.

Transmission outdoors is vanishingly unlikely op. Literally zero

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/04/2021 13:49

I have been following the rules but I think you are going over the top. You're still following the rules by going a walk with her. Ok she has seen people but first the chances of her a. Catching and b. Being contagious, given she has been vaccinated are extremely low. And even if it did happen, the chances of you catching it from her on a walk are also extremely low. The chances of all three things combined are completely minuscule. You are allowed to go a walk with her, and you won't get ill from it.

I do think a lot of people are taking unnecessary risks but this isnt one of those cases