AIBU to cancel my mum's visit?

[Morningstar66]

So this whole last year has been probably typical for many in that there has been a lot of family drama on my side about risk taking and rule following etc. In this scenario my OH and I plus two toddlers have been the highly stringent cautious ones, following the rules to the letter and sometimes more. We are early/mid forties but healthy other then some asthma. If one of us got ill for some time it would make it extremely difficult on the other plus OH always gets hit hard by viruses it seems.

My mum on the other hand has been the opposite, constantly going on about how upset she feels about being 'kept away' from the children, visits family in their houses, absolutely insisting on Christmas (causing me an emotional breakdown as i was refusing) basically her feelings matter more then what we want or safety or da big bad rules.

Obviously now things are opening up again and mum has been overtly asking to break social distancing rules by cuddling the children. I've just arranged a walk with her when she mentioned that she had just got back from staying in a relatives house. i just kind of left it as i was surprised but have now had a conversation with OH where hes angry that she has yet again broken the rules and then expects to see us as normal without a quarantine period.

She really struggles with keeping her distance during walks, just getting distracted and wandering closer and closer forcing me to move further and further. Patting the children giving them things etc dispute being told to stay away.

None of it is malicious she is just ruled by her feeling and our endless talks about it r.e. risk (she doesn't care), us not wanting to give it to her (we are being silly/paranoid/over anxious, she'll 'be ok')

My OH is very black and white about these things and says if she doesn't care about the risk then how can we trust her. For context. She has had her first Jab, we have not.

She has now offered to take a lateral flow test before coming and while i would likely accept that i think my OH is just pissed off about everything (to be fair i'm also just so exhausted by us needing to constantly police her).

I now don't know what to do. Ultimately i do agree with OH that her rule breaking is bad. I'm annoyed about her lack of care but i also can't see how that justifies rejecting her visit (for a walk) if she has the test which from what i have read is very accurate.

So yes. A larger conversation needs to happen with her about respecting boundaries, and how we are tired of policing her etc etc but what shall i do about this walk and lateral flow test?

My fear is that if i say yes to the walk and test, the tests will just become an excuse for her to do exactly as she pleases and its fine (ill just take a test) and as this is literally what has just happened.

I'm tempted to call and just say don't come, and face the fallout, after all we are already the weird anxious ones. I should say i'm very much a people pleaser which is why i'm struggling so much, Its causing conflict in my marriage now as we keep discussing her (we both say we are exhausted of the argument) So i think i need an outside perspective.

I've been into the city centre shops four times since this time last year, We go grocery shopping once every ten days, we've eaten outside on cold days, not seen my parents and brother at the same time because of the rule of six, not planning to go into town or to a pub anytime soon...

And I've still let my parents hug my kids. We didn't for the first few weeks but it felt horrendously unnatural keeping my 10 month old away from his granddad. You are being too cautious op, you really are.

She really struggles with keeping her distance during walks, just getting distracted and wandering closer and closer forcing me to move further and further. Patting the children giving them things etc dispute being told to stay away.

Poor, poor woman. She's been vaccinated, she'll have taken a test, and you're still going to freak out if, OUTDOORS, she strays within 2m of you? I'm sorry, but that's nuts. The risk is virtually nil. And the risk to your children vanishingly small.

Everyone I know is being cautious and sensible. But you can't make small children stay physically distanced from their vaccinated grandparent. It's inhuman and you're just giving the children a fear of their grandmother which is incredibly emotionally damaging to them.

My grandchild (I'm bubbled) doesn't just get cuddles from me, she gets them from her unbubbled auntie too. Both my daughters are incredibly careful about 99% of the rules and guidance, but DGDs mum recognises that the relationship needs building after year of barely seeing each other, and wants her child to know and love her (vaccinated) auntie

We still finding our way through this.
We've been following the rules but we having been using common sense too.
I feel we need a lot more people fully vaccinated before I throw caution to the wind / even when the rules allow- mid June.
In your situation I would carry on as you are.
Your mum is most a risk.
Tell her that if one of your family passed it to her and the worst happened you could not forgive yourself. Younger Kids , thankfully can carry it but not become ill. And so are mostly likely to pass to your mum
Your house your rules. She needs to respect this.
Assess at a later date.

@Robin233

We still finding our way through this. We've been following the rules but we having been using common sense too. I feel we need a lot more people fully vaccinated before I throw caution to the wind / even when the rules allow- mid June. In your situation I would carry on as you are. Your mum is most a risk. Tell her that if one of your family passed it to her and the worst happened you could not forgive yourself. Younger Kids , thankfully can carry it but not become ill. And so are mostly likely to pass to your mum Your house your rules. She needs to respect this. Assess at a later date.

The OP's mum can assess her own risk, that's not for the OP to do.

If the OP is concerned about her mum spreading covid when one DC is in childcare, then I'm on her mum's side.

I do grandparent care for DGC. I am not stopping cuddles.

Don't know if this helps but I've just been given a self testing kit as I'm going back to work next week and have to do twice weekly lateral flow tests. This is what the booklet says about a negative result.
"If you test negative, you must continue to follow national and local rules and guidelines...

It is NOT a get out of jail free card that allows you to behave like an arse and socialise/hug willy nilly.

I also remember seeing a documentary which said that neither tests give a positive result in the first 2 days of infection.

It is NOT a get out of jail free card that allows you to behave like an arse and socialise/hug willy nilly.

The poor women doesn't want to behave like an arse ffs it's not like she's planning a party for 200 people. By the sounds of it she's just trying really hard to think of ways that will appease her exceeding cautious daughter and son in law so she can actually spend time with her grand children, it's hardly the crime of the century to want to hug them.

I could weep for what this virus and progress attitudes to it is doing for family relationships. I really could.

This plan is entirely within the rules. OP's Mum is vaccinated. They're going to be outdoors. The risk perception of some MNers is completely skewed. Young children are being damaged by that, and the older generation seen as pariahs.

Progress= people's. I really must learn to check before submitting

I think you have to look at the rule differences between nations to realise there is low risk to your mum from your children. Scotland have always been allowed since the summer to hug under 12s.

There is a middle ground where you stick to outside, keep a bit of distance with your mum but the children can have a hug!

So true re. Under 12s. In Scotland under 12s have been exempt from social distancing when outdoors for the entire lockdown. Because the science shows they are not going to pass the virus on when outside and are Lower risk of doing so anyway.

No wonder you're exhausted, micromanaging everyone and everything to this degree. Sorry but YABU.

@Scottishskifun

I think you have to look at the rule differences between nations to realise there is low risk to your mum from your children. Scotland have always been allowed since the summer to hug under 12s.

There is a middle ground where you stick to outside, keep a bit of distance with your mum but the children can have a hug!

I didn't know that. How lovely. Well done Scotland. I'm really happy for children and families there.