AIBU to cancel my mum's visit?

[Morningstar66]

So this whole last year has been probably typical for many in that there has been a lot of family drama on my side about risk taking and rule following etc. In this scenario my OH and I plus two toddlers have been the highly stringent cautious ones, following the rules to the letter and sometimes more. We are early/mid forties but healthy other then some asthma. If one of us got ill for some time it would make it extremely difficult on the other plus OH always gets hit hard by viruses it seems.

My mum on the other hand has been the opposite, constantly going on about how upset she feels about being 'kept away' from the children, visits family in their houses, absolutely insisting on Christmas (causing me an emotional breakdown as i was refusing) basically her feelings matter more then what we want or safety or da big bad rules.

Obviously now things are opening up again and mum has been overtly asking to break social distancing rules by cuddling the children. I've just arranged a walk with her when she mentioned that she had just got back from staying in a relatives house. i just kind of left it as i was surprised but have now had a conversation with OH where hes angry that she has yet again broken the rules and then expects to see us as normal without a quarantine period.

She really struggles with keeping her distance during walks, just getting distracted and wandering closer and closer forcing me to move further and further. Patting the children giving them things etc dispute being told to stay away.

None of it is malicious she is just ruled by her feeling and our endless talks about it r.e. risk (she doesn't care), us not wanting to give it to her (we are being silly/paranoid/over anxious, she'll 'be ok')

My OH is very black and white about these things and says if she doesn't care about the risk then how can we trust her. For context. She has had her first Jab, we have not.

She has now offered to take a lateral flow test before coming and while i would likely accept that i think my OH is just pissed off about everything (to be fair i'm also just so exhausted by us needing to constantly police her).

I now don't know what to do. Ultimately i do agree with OH that her rule breaking is bad. I'm annoyed about her lack of care but i also can't see how that justifies rejecting her visit (for a walk) if she has the test which from what i have read is very accurate.

So yes. A larger conversation needs to happen with her about respecting boundaries, and how we are tired of policing her etc etc but what shall i do about this walk and lateral flow test?

My fear is that if i say yes to the walk and test, the tests will just become an excuse for her to do exactly as she pleases and its fine (ill just take a test) and as this is literally what has just happened.

I'm tempted to call and just say don't come, and face the fallout, after all we are already the weird anxious ones. I should say i'm very much a people pleaser which is why i'm struggling so much, Its causing conflict in my marriage now as we keep discussing her (we both say we are exhausted of the argument) So i think i need an outside perspective.

A PP said that actually the tests aren't that effective when done at home. Are there any stats on that :(

About her taking the test and it being negative. Our concern is setting a precedent that she can just do what she likes and then take a test before she sees us to 'prove' she is safe. We can pass it on to her (im not testing a 2 and 3 year old fgs!) not that she give a shit.

@Morningstar66

I have told her we can basically do normal things , hugs etc from May 17th when the rules say we can. I do actually like my Mum :) its just hard work at the moment fending her off.

I do feel like i'm either causing conflict with my Husband who is very black and white about risk and following the rules. OR causing conflict with my mother and i'm stuck in the middle. Its hard to justify to someone that, Yes we can take some risks when realistically he will most likely be the one worst affected in a worst case scenario.

We back to much nearer normal now if you meet outside.

As someone else also said, if your mother lives alone then you could easily have made a support bubble with her and still remained compliant with the ridiculous rules anyway.

I think it might be your husband who needs told to wind his neck in here.

I have told her we can basically do normal things , hugs etc from May 17th when the rules say we can. I do actually like my Mum smile its just hard work at the moment fending her off.

I understand this but you are allowed a walk now she seems to be bending over backwards to see you I know you said she has been here there and everywhere but if she is covid negative then she isn't going to pass anything onto the children. Your house sounds really tense with your dh worrying all the time.

Before all this we used to see our grandchildren 2 or 3 times a week including childcare. Not seeing them or my daughter for more than 2 months this time last year was one of the hardest things we have ever done - for all of us.
When we were first allowed to meet for a walk last May, my daughter said she had told the kids (4 & 2) that we were seeing each other but couldn't touch. We knew it would be hard. We met in the Forest and the kids ran straight up to us and hugged us! Then they wanted to walk holding our hands. It was lovely. So we rewrote the rules - no hugging or kissing, lots of hand wipes etc
Maybe we were lucky but none of our family have had covid. We started childcare again in the June. My eldest grandchild is now at school. Our relationship with them is unchanged, thank goodness. We are all careful and restrict our contacts as much as we can (my daughter is a teacher). For me, the most important thing is our relationship is in tact.

I am a stay at home mother, My husband works from home most of the time but occasional goes to his (desserted) office to pick things up. Our son has a development delay and goes to childcare 2 days a week as it is really helping him, the childcare setting have been bubbling and testing like crazy though so we deem the risk worthwhile. I get shopping delivered. We honestly take no risks beyond what we feel we have too. Like i said. If mum actually tried to be careful it would be fine. We are struggling to trust her. Also i'm not evven enjoying the walks as im constantly keeping an eye on her.

She lives with her partner who is in his 80s :( no bubbling.

You say you are worried now OP but that you will let her have hugs on the 17th when 'the rules' say its OK. Its your choice at the end of the day but covid won't magically disappear on the 17th. Your mum sounds like she really is trying to work with you both here.

meeting up outdoors is very low risk. And if you do your lateral flow tests carefully at home, they are no worse than the ones done in schools / offices.

My mother has accused me of damaging relationships in the family 99

What's going to change on May 17th? Does covid magical disappear at midnight? It'll be no different. Maybe I'm more lenient but I've let my mum hug my kids all through lockdown.

Please also bare in mind that she was still acting this way at the height of the peaks in deaths.

You’re not that poster who wouldn’t go and drop her things at the hospital when she asked you to are you, on the basis her partner could do it and you were disproportionately scared of covid?

Apologies if not but it rings very similarly.

If the tests at home were that unreliable, they wouldn't bother with them at all. Sure you have false negatives but for goodness sakes, if you're happy to send you child to day care where they use these exact same tests, I really don't understand all the fuss and it seems quite unfair on your mother. As PP said though, it is ultimately your decision. Perhaps by relaxing with all the rules a bit you'll find you actually start enjoying them more because you're not 'keeping an eye on her' all the time. It all seems so needlessly anxiety enducing.

Just cancel it really isn't worth you getting worked up about.

I meant enjoying the walks more!

Yabu you and your children are highly unlikely to get really poorly from covid. Most people are asymptomatic or have mild symptoms. She is your mum and your childrens grandma and you are keeping her away because the government says so over a virus with a 99% survival rate!

@VegCheeseandCrackers

You say you are worried now OP but that you will let her have hugs on the 17th when 'the rules' say its OK. Its your choice at the end of the day but covid won't magically disappear on the 17th. Your mum sounds like she really is trying to work with you both here.

I completely agree with this. Although I don't agree with your Mum breaking rules the whole time, I do think you are being ridiculous going by arbitrary dates.

Please be aware that social distancing is only advisory, you are not breaking any law if you hug. I appreciate that's probably not your prime motivator for not allowing hugs but you are not breaking any rules doing so.

Honestly? I think a lateral flow test, as she is prepared to do, is a good compromise.

@Morningstar66

I am a stay at home mother, My husband works from home most of the time but occasional goes to his (desserted) office to pick things up. Our son has a development delay and goes to childcare 2 days a week as it is really helping him, the childcare setting have been bubbling and testing like crazy though so we deem the risk worthwhile. I get shopping delivered. We honestly take no risks beyond what we feel we have too. Like i said. If mum actually tried to be careful it would be fine. We are struggling to trust her. Also i'm not evven enjoying the walks as im constantly keeping an eye on her.

I think you sound exceptionally anxious in how you describe keeping an eye on her during walks. It actually just sounds like you don't really like her or want her to have a relationship with your children which is really sad.

I'm also confused as to why you suddenly will let her hug your children on May 17th covid won't have magically disappeared by then, it's likely that nothing much will have changed in this situation between now and then either so it seems odd that you keep mentioning risks etc when these supposed risks won't actually be any less 'risky'.

In my area it’s about 15 per 100,000 positive covid cases. I wonder what it is in your area? Perhaps look it up. How likely is it that your presumably vaccinated mother is walking around with covid at this moment ready to pass it on to you outside.

Why is 17th May anything so special?

It might be when the government says (again, in an arbitrary fashion) that certain things can happen as part of the roadmap back to normal, but that doesn't mean Covid 19 will suddenly vanish on that day never to be heard of again.

How long are you planning on living in this state of near total seclusion for? It does nobody any favours.

You need to unclench.

Stats on home tests: 82% are accurate. Seems pretty good to me.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-56750460

Your OH is being massively unreasonable. As it’s a respiratory infection, it is exceptionally unlikely you could catch it out in the open air in a walk. Your children and your mother deserve to have fun together.

You have now promised hugging from May 17, but you are going much farther than rules require currently. What will magically change your mind then? Can you imagine your OH suddenly unbending?

I’d decline. The kids won’t be able to stay away from her and will hug her even if she doesn’t hug them first.

As for her emotional blackmail blaming you for stuff, fuck that. Get her told ‘I’m following the rules. I know others like you arent but I am because covid kills. I need to know I’ve done all I can to keep my loved ones safe, including you’.

I just had a vaccine and if the effect of that is just a fraction of covid, thank god I have had the vaccine rather than the illness. It must be awful.

Also, if she takes a lateral flow there will presumably be no proof. She could lie.

My pal did one on Saturday for work. Felt ill on Sunday. Took nhs test at a walk in centre, results the next day were positive.
So you can test negative one day and be infectious the next.

If it makes it easier get your husband to deliver the news that her visit will have to wait a little while longer.

Stay safe.

Everyone is entitled to their own decisions and boundaries though aren’t they?

If the OP’s mum wants to visit all and sundry with no social distancing then that’s up to her. But just because she does it with others doesn’t mean the OP has to agree that she can do the same with her family.

In the same way that the mother wouldn’t like to be told she shouldn’t be visiting anyone because the OP doesn’t agree with it.

At the end of the day, one is a rule, the other isn’t. OP isn’t actually doing anything wrong by saying no. The fact that others believe this is unreasonable is their own issue.