To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

[ali444]

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

don't see the point of having teabags in, and because I don't drink it I'd never think to put any in my trolley

I suppose because the majority of people drink tea? Offering a cup of tea to visitors is a sort of social norm so it’s natural they’re surprised if you don’t have a few teabags in, regardless of whether you drink tea yourself. Asking if they’d like a glass of water or cup of milk doesn’t have quite the same meaning. And teabags are so cheap it’s a bit odd not to have them in for guests.

LolaSmiles

would you genuinely decide to visit a single mother with a low income, arrive empty handed, invite yourself for lunch there, and ask for what you think are common items?

I honestly would not. I would have arrived with snacks/light lunch for everybody to start with. Not expect to be served and ask for sugar cube because I don't like communal granulated or sugar.

It's gone from the OP being a bit irritated that someone who stops by unexpectedly asked for different sandwich fillings and brown sugar to pages of posters scrambling to prove how their own version of good manners is positively more impeccable than anyone else's

No it hasn't. OP didn't say anything about people arriving unexpectedly,and she's not a bit irritated, she's horrible mean about her friends and family.
And its not about good manners in the first place!

Jaysus, MN people are off the charts nuts. This isn't a thing to normal people. In the real world, people offer guests a coffee or tea, and guests are allowed to ask if they have skimmed milk, and nobody gets worked up whether they do or they don't.
I don't know how some of you get through the day overthinking and bitching so much about everything.

If you truly think someone in your house asking for mayo is unutterably rude, you need to not have people in your house.

@Lesemeraudes

Some of these you could have, especially the mayo. Presumably you are happy to share what you do have? I don't see why they shouldn't ask, it's only unreasonable if they take offence if you say no.

This. I don't really understand why you're offended that someone is asking about pretty standard condiments, just because you like everything really plain. Would you like it if they put mayo in your sandwich, or would you just ask for them not to? It's no different in my view,

would you genuinely decide to visit a single mother with a low income, arrive empty handed, invite yourself for lunch there, and ask for what you think are common items?

YOU HAVE INVENTED THE EMPTY HANDED AND INVITE YOURSELF PARTS, YOU EPIC LOON.

If you think you are not rude by making requests and demands when you invite yourself to someone's house on a low income, you need to learn some manners.

I mean it's not rude to ask if you Mayo, most people have Mayo, it's only rude if they get huffy when you tell them you don't have any

@Rukaya

would you genuinely decide to visit a single mother with a low income, arrive empty handed, invite yourself for lunch there, and ask for what you think are common items?

YOU HAVE INVENTED THE EMPTY HANDED AND INVITE YOURSELF PARTS, YOU EPIC LOON.

You are taking this thread very personally and it's really touching a nerve with you. You ARE one of these visitors, aren't you? 😂

The threads when offended posters recognise themselves and get all upset and over-the-top should go into classic. I love MN 😂

Rukaya
My mistake on the unexpected guests.
I'm not sure how I'm post is off the chart nuts though. I do think there's a lot of pearl clutching, looking to be offended, all this i wouldn't dream for asking for anything but tap water rubbish that amounts to people trying to argue they're so much more polite than anyone else.
As you say, offline most people manage to visit their friends for a cuppa, ask if their mate has sweetener/white sugar/brown sugar, and gets on with it if not with no offence taken. Most people don't get annoyed if someone asks if there's mayo or ketchup

would you genuinely decide to visit a single mother with a low income, arrive empty handed, invite yourself for lunch there, and ask for what you think are common items?
I'd not invite myself for lunch.
If someone invited me for lunch then I don't think there's anything wrong in asking about common items. If they do, great. If they don't, fine.

I don't know anyone offline who'd be annoyed that their friend asked if they had mayo in.

Anyway, the OP hasn't come back so... 🤷‍♀️

Don’t let them bother you. You’re an adult, just laugh and say you don’t have it. If they needed it they should have brought it with them.
And don’t give it another thought.

When I was a teenager I worried about what other people thought about me; what I wore, what my house was like etc etc ... The beauty of adulthood is that I now know it doesn’t matter what they think of me. It’s freeing. So please don’t give this concern another moment of your time.

As an add on to my above comment. If I asked guests over then as a courtesy I’d have in basics like Mayo.

This thread reminds me of that scene in Motherland where Julia asks Liz if she has any herbal tea

Yes, or the scene in Pat and Margaret where Victoria Woods says she doesn't have much in, and Julie Walters says "Ooh - don't worry, we can just cook my favourite thing, all you need is extra virgin olive oil, garlic, pasta, beef tomatoes and an avocado! We can manage without the fresh basil." And Victoria Woods produces a tin of spaghetti and says "this is what I have."

@winifredwells

I’m sorry but I do think it’s quite unreasonable to offer a plain cheese sandwich to an adult. It’s very dry and I can understand them asking for a bit of tomato or Mayo. I’d never in a million years serve that to a guest, it’s too dry and plain. Mayo and salad items are not an extravagance.

most ridiculous post in the thread

Good for you if you can afford to present fancier food to unexpected guests. How is that relevant or helpful in any way?

Sorry but where does it say the guests are unexpected?

OP said friends and family coming round. Nowhere can I see that these are dropper inners demanding to be fed.

The person who asked for rock salt was helping OP prepare a salad for a party that presumably OP was hosting. If a friend roped me be into party prep I wouldn't think it was outrageous to ask what ingredients were available.

Oh dear, I don't think that's rude at all. Don't you want your guests to feel comfortable when they visit?

They're simply asking if you've got X ingredient in. How can that be considered rude? It's a perfectly reasonable request, not a demand.

It would only be rude if they insisted that you purchased various produce that you wouldn't ever use, just for them.

I am totally amazed at the number of people complaining about a "plain" cheese sandwich! Also at the standard items people expect others to have.

We've only got salt and pepper in the house because DS bought them; I don't bother. None of likes pickle. We would only have lettuce or tomato if I'd only just been shopping. I buy mayo and ketchup regularly but DD goes through them like a dose of salts.

On a bad day a dropping-in visitor wouldn't even get a sandwich as we often run out of bread. I rarely buy biscuits because they disappear.

We have tea, coffee, sweeteners, white sugar, water, full fat milk. Tins of soup and tins of fruit. We actually have cordial in but that is unusual. I don't buy fizzy drinks.

Isn't it lucky we don't have any friends!

TheYearOfSmallThings
That reminds me of an old Nigella cookbook that required something I can only describe as fancy bacon that can be bought in suitably upmarket shops, but in the instructions she reassured us mere mortals that the recipe would be perfectly fine if you substituted this ingredient for pancetta or smoked bacon lardons.
Meanwhile in our kitchen we sliced up streaky bacon.

I think the main issue is your friends and family should recognise your circumstances and act appropriately so eat before or after they visit you, avoid popping over at meal times, especially unexpectedly and want to be fed. They should accept what you provide with good grace as they ought to know you are on a budget.

Different people will have different budgets and tastes. For example I always have salad items in as my dh and kids like salad with their dinner. I drink decaf tea but keep some regular teabags as most people drink the regular kind. I have mayo, ketchup, siracha sauce and nandos hot sauce as a minimum and always some plain yoghurt as we get through it. I wouldn't have salad cream as noone likes it here but would have alternatives to offer.

I don't think that many of these requests are rude and inconsiderate. And I'm certainly not convinced that mayonnaise is stupid, random or obscure.

It sounds like you don't really like these friends and family and like you hate hosting, so you should stop inviting them round

The person who asked for rock salt was helping you prepare a salad for a party which I can only presumably YOU were hosting.

If a friend roped me be into party prep I wouldn't think it was outrageous to ask what ingredients were available.

Asking for Mayo definitely isn't rude. All you have to do is say no. It's a fairly standard condiment.

Asking for salad IS slightly odd IMO. As that's materially changing the meal and seems to be somehow saying OPs sandwich isn't good enough.

BUT I also think feeding an adult a plain cheese sandwich with no condiments or salad on offer is also odd. I would find it hard to eat something that dry, and if I'd been invited over for lunch I'd be slightly surprised.

If someone offers you a coffee/ tea/ cereal - saying do you have skimmed / semi / full fat milk is fine. As long as you don't kick off when they don't.

Likewise asking about brown sugar isn't strange. We don't keep white sugar in the house (I don't think) but if someone asked I would double check and say sorry no if I didn't. I certainly wouldn't find them rude for asking.

Also - I do believe that hosting is about giving people a good time. I have a friend who drinks sparkling water. I don't touch the stuff but always get some in when she's coming.

Another friend is vegan so I buy almond milk for their coffee. A third friend is a real hommous fan so I usually buy that and crisps for them even tho I don't like either. Also I don't drink tea at all but I keep teabags in for visitors and tradesmen.

I like Diet Coke and my friends usually have a few tins of that for me when I come round. Etc etc.

It's not rude to ask. It's not rude to say no if you don't have something. It is rude to not get things in that invited guests like...

I find it weird ur being so over the top about it. Mayo is not a fancy thing to have in a sandwich its quite standard.

The problem is this thread being turned into a competition over what posters do have in their pantry. It's completely irrelevant.

The point is not about what you should or should not have for unexpected visitors, the point is about making demands when you turn up and (to quote the OP) expect to be fed.

Many of us wouldn't even expect to be fed in the first place.

They should accept what you provide with good grace as they ought to know you are on a budget.

It's not even about budget IMO. I don't go to my swishier friends' houses and ask if they have any Pringles. I know they do not have Pringles. I eat whatever artisinally hand dehydrated salt-free vegetable shavings they proffer, and I do it with a good grace.

How can people not have any kind of salt in the house? How in the world do you cook without it?

OP, don't invite friends for lunch and serve up a
Dry plain cheese sarnie. That's just weird

If you can't be arsed to knock up a salad, arrange to meet at the pub or a cafe

@orangegina

OP, don't invite friends for lunch and serve up a Dry plain cheese sarnie. That's just weird

If you can't be arsed to knock up a salad, arrange to meet at the pub or a cafe

where did you see the friends were "invited"?