Undermining comments about autism

[Opal93]

I am becoming increasingly upset with more and more ridiculous comments about autism. I know for a long time people didn’t understand it but surely there’s enough on TV and the internet for people to be at least a little bit more informed? Here are a few of the most ridiculous comments, ranging from old to young people. I know none of them come from malice but I do think to myself “SERIOUSLY??” And often don’t know how to respond. “ he doesn’t look autistic.” “At least it’s not a disability” “at least it’s not Down’s syndrome” “did you find out at your scan and were you offered a termination?” “He’s not that bad” “at least he might be a genius” “you shouldn’t have another baby what if it is like him” “he just needs more discipline”

That is a long list of ill-informed comments.

I do think that autism is one of those things that you can avoid knowing much about, if it doesn't appear in your family / social circle, you don't have children in state school and your job doesn't involve members of the public.

It’s one of those things that you just can’t understand until you live it. I didn’t until my DS was diagnosed. I just didn’t get it. Not sure about the ‘state school’ comment in the PP. There are quite a few autistic kids at my DS’s independent school. People make assumptions about all sorts of things.

My thinking on state school is that independent schools tend to weed out pupils with conditions / behaviours that impact the class.

So at an independent school there may will be children with autism, but I would have thought they would be those who 'can hold it in at school, meltdowns only appear at home, academically capable' and not those who 'frequently get overwhelmed in class leading to uncontrolled outbursts, or functioning well below age'. Surely the latter group are more likely to be in receipt of the comments in the OP.

I know what you mean OP. i hate the perjorative comments.... if anyone does anything slightly obnoxious (in real life and on MN) the immediate cry is 'are they autistic'.

I have started pulling people up on it. (My 12 year old has autism, adhd, dyspraxia, tourettes and epilepsy..... trust me, i have heard absolutely everything. The day he got diagnosed by an ed psych at school aged 5 his teacher piped up with the less than helpful comment that they had heard almost all psychopaths were autistic. The only thing that makes me slightly cheerful about that is the dressing down she got from the ed psych was fairly brutal).

So, depending on my mood In gently correct, enquire or say 'could you please not say that, as it is not true and is a stereotype'. But it largely depends on the context and if people are interested or just thoughtless (or worse).

It's nice that your DC independent school is inclusive but there are many who use their application process and admission criteria to filter out children with pre-existing SEN and SN. For a particular type of unpleasant person this makes independent schools all the more appealing as heaven forbid their DC should have to sit in the same classroom as someone with additional needs.

There are a lot of people who totally lose their manners and tact when faced with a disabled person, I have a friend whose DC uses a wheelchair and she is constantly asked why as if her DC's medical information should be public knowledge.

Autism tends to bring out the "it didn't exist in my day"/"a good hiding will sort it"/"it's just pathologising naughtiness"/"it's a covet up for shitty parenting" types. These people cannot be educated and are best ignored, if you must give them headspace and think of them then think of them with pity - imagine being so ignorant and narrow minded? It must be awful.

Yeah it's just how it is. People don't understand it, but they can never experience it so i try to understand that neurotypicals have no idea what it's like to be autistic. It's like when people make insensitive comments about fertility issues or illnesses. They just don't know any better.

“ he doesn’t look autistic.” what would you expect an autistic to look like?
“At least it’s not a disability” it's a developmental disability.
“at least it’s not Down’s syndrome” we wouldn't love him any less if he did have downs.
“did you find out at your scan and were you offered a termination?” it's not something you can see on a scan and not something we'd ever terminate for.
“He’s not that bad” no he's not, what we're you expecting?
“at least he might be a genius” autisitics are, on average, more intelligent than neurotypicals. But just say it's really not something you're bothered about.
“you shouldn’t have another baby what if it is like him” then we'll love that baby just as much as we love him?
“he just needs more discipline” sometimes this is true, parents of autistics do struggle to see the difference between autistic behaviour and bad behaviour. But it's no body's place to ever say that except a professional.

@TeenMinusTests

That is a long list of ill-informed comments.

I do think that autism is one of those things that you can avoid knowing much about, if it doesn't appear in your family / social circle, you don't have children in state school and your job doesn't involve members of the public.

I used to teach in an independent school, and we had several autistic pupils who came to us because of the lack of appropriate support and care in their state primary.

YANBU

But (and I offer this as an explanation rather than an excuse) this sounds like the sort of stuff people say when they really don’t know what to say but need to fill a silence. Like small talk sort of stuff.

I must stress it’s not reasonable for them to say it

@BuggerBognor stand your ground, he’s every right to be there

YANBU about the comments on MN @OP. HQ don’t give a shit, never has and have made perfectly clear they never will.

YANBU. DD who is 4 has been referred for an assessment by her school. They haven’t explicitly mentioned ASD but have said ‘sensory and social differences’ and ‘fixed thinking which leads to meltdowns’ and ‘struggles with change and transitions’, so quite clear what they're thinking. I work with SEND students so it wasn’t a big surprise to me, there have been a few signs over time, but only really became apparent in the last year or so when attending school as she’s quite high functioning.

So far I’ve had my dad tell me it’s not ASD, it’s definitely just lockdown having this affect, despite there being signs way before lockdown. And my MIL announced that she can’t be ‘because she’s clever’. I’ve given up discussing it and just change the conversation.

90% of the time these kids are not acting out deliberately - they’re just confused and overwhelmed. (The 10% is because they’re still kids who will get in your last nerve if given the opportunity).

When either of my DS' are confused or overwhelmed (or both) they will act in a way that could be viewed as "naughty". This could be things like hyperactive behaviour, excessive silliness, shouting, ignoring me, back answering, disrespectful or silly comments (e.g., repeating a phrase over and over or telling people speaking to shut up), aggression (DS worked out that misbehave = go home so went through a stage of thumping his brother whenever he was overwhelmed and wanted to leave any given location), etc. Based on the way they're acting and their reactions to us we can tell around 95% of the time whether they're acting this way due to an unmet need or a need they're (poorly) trying to communicate or whether it's down to them deciding to behave badly because they're kids. If they're acting that way due to a need then we meet it and it resolves the issue, if its due to them misbehaving then there are consequences depending on what they're doing however those consequences might not be the same as what a parent of NT children might use - for example, DS is happy as a pig in shit if he gets grounded, he doesn't have to deal with people and can wear no trousers so grounding isn't a punishment to him but if I was to take away his dinosaurs.... Consequences might also not be issued at the time of the behaviour, as another example if DS is close to meltdown or shutdown and hits out then I would remove him but wouldn't necessarily discuss the behaviour there and then as the priority would be to get him away and help him to regulate/calm down, the discussion around what happened would come afterwards whereas sometimes othet parents (particularly if they've witnessed a less than desirable behaviour) seem to expect there to be a visible and immediate telling off so that they can see its been done.

On here, whenever anyone describes their arsehole DP, within 5 posts some fuckwit comes along and says “have you had him tested for autism —hun—?” Yeah, because if you pick up the DSM and flick through to the ASC criteria, literally all it says is “bit of a cunt”.
I was going to say the same. Some people seem overly keen to avoid the harsh reality that some people in life are simply arseholes, so seek to appropriate neurodiversity and medial conditions (often dementia) to dismiss posters who are rightly annoyed that someone has been an arse.
It shows their ignorance of ASD and it's insulting to people who have autism.

I use to have this with my ex, he use to say that my daughter “didn’t have the good kind of autism” because he’s belief was that autistic meant being highly intelligent or talented in a particular area.

Like being a mathematical genius for example and because she isn’t that means she “doesn’t have the good type”

THH I think the state of public information about autism from the media, tv, plus people just claiming to be autistic, is so mixed up it is no surprise people find it confusing.

*autisitics are, on average, more intelligent than neurotypicals

Absolutely. Also over-represented in the professions, esp medicine. (We now realize that includes my DH!)*

This isn't true. 50-70% of autistic people also have a learning/intellectual disability and ignoring this population does a huge disservice to them.

"autisitics are, on average, more intelligent than neurotypicals
Absolutely. Also over-represented in the professions, esp medicine. (We now realize that includes my DH!)"

There different levels of how negatively autism affects the person. People who have autism can be more focused and have less involvement in drama etc, which helps with achievement. So those who are what would be once called high functioning, would do better on average. But there are as many people who are non verbal or have S&L issues and learning difficulties because of their autism. Also 'autistics' rather than people who have autism, is offensive.

I don’t know if you’ve been unlucky or I’ve been lucky but I’ve not had comments like that often, the ‘she/he doesn’t look/act autistic’ one is relatively common, but I think it comes from just a lack of understanding about autism. If it’s not something that affects your life then many people are uneducated and just don’t know. I use it as an opportunity to explain that every autistic is different and it’s true, if you don’t know what you’re looking for you’d be hard pressed to notice my daughters autism as she’s extremely good at masking. My son it’s more obvious when you talk to him.
If comments are rude then that’s different, but just lack of awareness I just educate.

One of my daughter's friends is autistic and it baffles me because she does seem completely fine and normal. I know you're not supposed to say that, so I don't, but I do wonder what her disability is exactly. I mean, I believe that she is, but it's hard to understand how it affects people when you can't see any signs at all.

@Ponoka7 many autistics now say they prefer that to person with autism as they feel that autism is who they are, not a thing they carry. I dunno, it sometimes feels like whatever you say it’s gonna offend someone. My autistic kids refer to themselves as autistics 🤷🏼‍♀️

My thinking on state school is that independent schools tend to weed out pupils with conditions / behaviours that impact the class.

You are massively incorrect. In fact most of the autistic children I know with EHCPs are in mainstream school because there is almost no provision for those whose intelligence is not impaired but who can’t cope with large class sizes and large schools. Independent mainstream school is significantly cheaper than a specialist setting, even a maintained one. My twins places at a non-maintained ASD specialist school are over £50k a year each.

It’s exhausting OP but I try not to let it get to me because people really don’t get it. When my twins were diagnosed age 2, so many people didn’t believe it and said I shouldn’t let my children be labelled. Now at 4 and still non verbal, I get fewer comments like this.

@Doona my daughter is like this, female autistics especially are very very good at masking. What you see as opposed to what happens when she’s at home in her ‘safe’ place could be very different. It’s one of the huge issues with diagnosing girls, my daughter was the best behaved, most helpful child ok earth at school. Then she’d come home and spend her evening rearranging toys obsessively, or crying whilst clinging to me. Or hitting her head off the wall. She used to stroke the carpet pile for hours. She never ate. She hated certain clothes.
Now at 17 she has a pass where she can leave class when it gets overwhelming, she has extreme social anxiety. One time she didn’t leave her room for 6 weeks. But if you met her in the street you’d have no idea about any of that.