Undermining comments about autism

[Opal93]

I am becoming increasingly upset with more and more ridiculous comments about autism. I know for a long time people didn’t understand it but surely there’s enough on TV and the internet for people to be at least a little bit more informed? Here are a few of the most ridiculous comments, ranging from old to young people. I know none of them come from malice but I do think to myself “SERIOUSLY??” And often don’t know how to respond. “ he doesn’t look autistic.” “At least it’s not a disability” “at least it’s not Down’s syndrome” “did you find out at your scan and were you offered a termination?” “He’s not that bad” “at least he might be a genius” “you shouldn’t have another baby what if it is like him” “he just needs more discipline”

Just tell them autism is a recognised disability unlike stupidity. I'd then ask if their mother was offered a termination when it was realised they had that condition.

My DD is autistic, I would easily class her as disabled. We don't think she has a true learning disability but her autism poses significant barriers to her learning ability.

I get 'she is too sociable to be autistic' on a frequent basis.

When my daughter was being assessed for au

Autism the assessor said "don't worry, it doesn't mean she's a write-off"

Calling a medical diagnosis, which for children is often done by a team of professionals over several sessions in different situations a "label" as though it's something totally insignificant like the things you'd stick on a suitcase or a jar of jam.

"Why do you WANT your child to be labelled like this"

Its as if you WANT him to be autistic

Do you think being your sons carer means you can doss at home on benefits?

A label won't help him it will hold him back

I think we’ve been relatively lucky; the worst I’ve had (in reference to DS) is “what causes it? Because we don’t have it in my country” and “I think there must have been a mistake, because he seems fine!”

@BuggerBognor this then causes issues for girls who can't mask because they "can't possibly be autistic because girls mask".

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

It's o wonder people end up saying the wrong thing, though

Yes. Because being courteous is so very difficult for neurotypicals, who sneer at us for our social interaction difficulties.

I'm not sure how this is a response to my comment? Seems like a non-sequitur.

My son is autistic. He has for many years
masked at school and when he is with others. However, as he gets older he is finding it much harder to do this and other adults and peers he has come across have started to notice. Mostly they are supportive but we get the comments 'he doesn't look autistic' or 'he is very articulate' thrown at us a lot. He is only recently diagnosed and until the last few years he wasn't so obvious to us either. We always just considered him to be an anxious boy with some quirks. I believe that until you live with someone who has autism you will not fully understand the complexities of living with autism.

Noone what can understand fully what each individual (parent/child/autistic person) goes through. My Dd has been diagnosed low functioning with a severe learning disability and goes to a SEN school. She is almost 6 but is at the education/verbal/social level of around 18months. She is mostly unaware of others and, I think, quite a happy child.

One of my friends has an 8 year old son with an high functioning diagnosis. He is a very talkative lovely boy but suffers with extreme anxiety and violent outbursts.

We often say how we don't know how the other copes because we are so used to the way asd presents itself in our own children.

I also believe it can be damaging to "label" a child as being autistic without an official diagnosis. So many times (on mumsnet especially) I see "We are seeking an asd diagnosis but we are sure dd/ds/I have it" or "The school suspect it's asd" 😡. Noone bar a specialised medical professional who has conducted an Autism Assessment Report can diagnose your child with autism. This, in my opinion, is why there is the stigma of "they just need discipline "..etc. So many parents self diagnosing their children as an excuse for poor behaviour.

[quote OwlBeThere]@Doona my daughter is like this, female autistics especially are very very good at masking. What you see as opposed to what happens when she’s at home in her ‘safe’ place could be very different. It’s one of the huge issues with diagnosing girls, my daughter was the best behaved, most helpful child ok earth at school. Then she’d come home and spend her evening rearranging toys obsessively, or crying whilst clinging to me. Or hitting her head off the wall. She used to stroke the carpet pile for hours. She never ate. She hated certain clothes.
Now at 17 she has a pass where she can leave class when it gets overwhelming, she has extreme social anxiety. One time she didn’t leave her room for 6 weeks. But if you met her in the street you’d have no idea about any of that.[/quote]
Is there a way to be a better friend? I hate the idea that she has to mask so much when around us. We've known her for years. She is a rather formal and polite child, but I'd be fine if she wanted to stroke the carpet rather than chat.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible I didn't mean you shouldn't take insults personally... of course you should. I meant you shouldn't take it personally that NT people don't understand much about autism. If it isn't in your life you have little reason to research something.

My daughter doesn’t mask at all, she’s the same wherever she goes, she wouldn’t know how to mask tbh, she wishes she could to fit in and make friends but she just isn’t able to.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible That was not an apology btw because my post was quite clear and you are being unecessarily aggressive.

The worst comments for me come from more able autistics on the internet. So aggressively defending their own position they often bulldozer over less able autistics position. I honestly think the melding of autism and Asperger has done immeasurable damage to the lives of a whole generation of autistics. It’s got to the point where I avoid the diagnosis altogether add as it is no longer very helpful.

People like to be able to fit things into neat boxes to understand them. But you can’t do that with autism and I think (often without any ill intent) people with little understanding really struggle with that. That’s why we use describers such as “high functioning” and “low functioning” but even they massively simplify things.

Ds is 11 academically he is very capable in some subjects and others he can keep up with support. But he also struggles massively socially, has anxiety to the degree he didn’t leave the house other than for school (at a push) for months on end a few years back. He needs help with all aspects of self care and is tube fed. He has full 1-1 at school to allow him to access school, without that no matter how academically able he is he wouldn’t be able to access school.

Like so many he doesn’t fit neatly into any box except his own unique box!

I have two autistic children and no one has said anything like that to me. It sounds like you know a lot of very stupid people.

@BuggerBognor

Sorry - I meant say that TO ME.

Yes - a lot of stupid ideas that autism can explain away cuntish behaviour.

My two boys could not be more different from each other - literal opposites but both autistic.

@5zeds

The worst comments for me come from more able autistics on the internet. So aggressively defending their own position they often bulldozer over less able autistics position. I honestly think the melding of autism and Asperger has done immeasurable damage to the lives of a whole generation of autistics. It’s got to the point where I avoid the diagnosis altogether add as it is no longer very helpful.

Yes I agree but i tend to now stay away from autism groups on Facebook etc as I find neither helpful or supportive .

Definitely a lot of he doesn't look autistic comments still made

The eye contact comments make me shudder

I agree with the poster that said lots of women seem to think a mans bad behaviour is often autism. As the mother of a young autistic man this particularly annoys me. He knows how to treat women well and does. If he didn't it would be because he is behaving like an arsehole. Not because of autism.

Back in the late 90s when I first had to deal with raising a child with autism it was far worse. The movie Rain Man was most peoples only knowledge of autism 😡

@5zeds

The worst comments for me come from more able autistics on the internet. So aggressively defending their own position they often bulldozer over less able autistics position. I honestly think the melding of autism and Asperger has done immeasurable damage to the lives of a whole generation of autistics. It’s got to the point where I avoid the diagnosis altogether add as it is no longer very helpful.

Yeh, it's almost as if they have an obsessive interest in something that they can't communicate effectively or something.

Weird.

@Tinydinosaur

Yeah it's just how it is. People don't understand it, but they can never experience it so i try to understand that neurotypicals have no idea what it's like to be autistic. It's like when people make insensitive comments about fertility issues or illnesses. They just don't know any better.

“ he doesn’t look autistic.” what would you expect an autistic to look like?
“At least it’s not a disability” it's a developmental disability.
“at least it’s not Down’s syndrome” we wouldn't love him any less if he did have downs.
“did you find out at your scan and were you offered a termination?” it's not something you can see on a scan and not something we'd ever terminate for.
“He’s not that bad” no he's not, what we're you expecting?
“at least he might be a genius” autisitics are, on average, more intelligent than neurotypicals. But just say it's really not something you're bothered about.
“you shouldn’t have another baby what if it is like him” then we'll love that baby just as much as we love him?
“he just needs more discipline” sometimes this is true, parents of autistics do struggle to see the difference between autistic behaviour and bad behaviour. But it's no body's place to ever say that except a professional.

That must absolutely suck OP.

@Tinydinosaur I'm fairly sure that's not actually true- i.e. I'm sure research suggests that people with autism are not generally more or less intelligent than people without autism.

I think there are a higher percentage of people with mild ASD (than representative of the general population) in academia, particularly in the sciences but that might be more to do with hyper-focus on specific interests and analytical/scientific thinking style than IQ. On the other hand severe non-verbal Autism is associated with lower intelligence but this is probably because of the way that IQ is assessed.

The 'idiot-savant' stereotype that all people with autism are different but incredibly intelligent or highly skilled in one area is just a stereotype and isn't necessarily helpful for people affected by the condition.