Undermining comments about autism

[Opal93]

I am becoming increasingly upset with more and more ridiculous comments about autism. I know for a long time people didn’t understand it but surely there’s enough on TV and the internet for people to be at least a little bit more informed? Here are a few of the most ridiculous comments, ranging from old to young people. I know none of them come from malice but I do think to myself “SERIOUSLY??” And often don’t know how to respond. “ he doesn’t look autistic.” “At least it’s not a disability” “at least it’s not Down’s syndrome” “did you find out at your scan and were you offered a termination?” “He’s not that bad” “at least he might be a genius” “you shouldn’t have another baby what if it is like him” “he just needs more discipline”

@BuggerBognor

YADNBU OP.

On here, whenever anyone describes their arsehole DP, within 5 posts some fuckwit comes along and says “have you had him tested for autism —hun—?” Yeah, because if you pick up the DSM and flick through to the ASC criteria, literally all it says is “bit of a cunt”. MN is not great at deleting disablist comments from what I’ve seen.

My ASC DS is at an independent school, with a 1:1. He is bright but disruptive enough to need full support. The school knows I know what the EA says about reasonable adjustments so he’ll be staying there for now. Other parents not thrilled, but tough shit.

Oh, man. I so agree with your comment about "have you had him tested for autism?". As someone who is autistic, I find that comment infuriating.

And MN needs to be better at deleting that kind of comment.

@notagainmummy

Most people in the neurotypical world do not understand anything about autism or childhood disabilities. They are often ignorant about what this means on a practical level. I wouldn't take it personally.

If I'm told someone's child has autism, I'll just ask how does it affect them on a day to day basis, or say nothing if the conversation isn't going into children.

I am autistic and I take it personally. It's not OK to make derogatory comments about us or to us.

I'm autistic and one of my dcs is too. I prefer "am autistic" to "have autism" because it's an integral part of who I am, the way I think, etc - I wouldn't be me if I didn't have it, whereas if I had an illness I'd still be myself without it if that makes sense.

Re the stereotype about autistic people being maths geniuses and overrepresented in tech jobs, etc, the really shocking statistic is that only 22% of British autistic adults are in employment of any kind. That's the reality. There are so few efforts made to create employment for people with learning difficulties, which is appalling, and autistic people without LDs can find workplaces overwhelming and uncomfortable places, because of the sensory and social overload involved. This often leads to burnouts, having to quit jobs and periods of not being able to work, which makes subsequent work much harder to get. Those of us who are in employment are often in low paid, part time jobs, even if we are overqualified for them.

My autistic dc is pretty bright, not genius, but he gets good grades. I worry a lot more about his future than about my NT child, because I worry that employers won't be willing or compelled to make adjustments needed so that he can cope with work, even though he has a lot to contribute.

“At least it’s not a disability”

My father, brother, nephew and niece all have autism (officially diagnosed) and they don't really see it as a disability in that way. Maybe more like a disadvantage socially but tbh all of them do really well in life in other ways so 🤷‍♀️

@wombatspoopcubes

“At least it’s not a disability”

My father, brother, nephew and niece all have autism (officially diagnosed) and they don't really see it as a disability in that way. Maybe more like a disadvantage socially but tbh all of them do really well in life in other ways so 🤷‍♀️

Yes but you still can’t say it’s not a disability. I have endometriosis and it prevents me from working, I have pain 24/7 amongst other things. According to the EA, the severity of my symptoms mean I would be considered disabled. Others with the same diagnosis wouldn’t be.

My twins can’t talk, can’t understand potty training so are still in nappies, have very little understanding of language at all, can’t tell us what’s wrong when they’re in pain or upset. Barely sleep. Overwhelming need for sensory stimulation 24/7 which prevents them from focussing and learning.

I can’t imagine anyone claiming they are not disabled if they had any other condition. Yet I have people have a go at me for referring to them as disabled quite often.

Both receive higher rate care disability living allowance but many who’ve never met them claim they know better than I do, and their professionals do, and the DWP does.

I’ve had people on an autism group tell me it’s not a disability and they would never describe themselves or children as disabled, after I asked what term I should use when explaining it to people

“At least it’s not a disability”

I always say that I am not disabled by my condition but by society's attitude to my condition.

And I don't give a toss if you refer to me as "autistic" or "a person with autism".

And as if by magic, the very first reply admirably demonstrates the OP's point.

My mum has said seral of those. My ds has asd and Im becoming more convinced that both dd and I do too. Ive stopped being nice about it and just tell whoever says it to fuck off.

Agree about portrayals on the media. The closest I've ever seen to Ds2 is Rosie in There She Goes and she's not even meant to be autistic.

And I absolutely am not having low expectations when I don't discipline him for coughing or shouting when someone walks past us. It's a bloody tic. He does like to wind Ds1 up, though - that's something we deflect and distract him from because it's part deliberate and a much bigger part compulsion.

[quote OwlBeThere]@Ponoka7 many autistics now say they prefer that to person with autism as they feel that autism is who they are, not a thing they carry. I dunno, it sometimes feels like whatever you say it’s gonna offend someone. My autistic kids refer to themselves as autistics 🤷🏼‍♀️[/quote]
Is this another case of 'high-functioning', verbal people speaking for all of those who have autism?
Obviously not your children, but on Mumsnet whenever there is a thread about autism, adults (often only diagnosed as adults) who are independent, can hold down a job, often married/have a family come on and talk about being autistic, but their experience is very different to those diagnosed as children, with learning disabilities, who are non-verbal, who often will have no understanding of their disability and who will often require lifelong support.

Autism may not be s disability for some ,but it most definitely is for my non verbal elevan year old son it's a very complex disability for him ,he also gets high rate Care and high rate mobility under SMI.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

“At least it’s not a disability”

I always say that I am not disabled by my condition but by society's attitude to my condition.

And I don't give a toss if you refer to me as "autistic" or "a person with autism".

It's o wonder people end up saying the wrong thing, though. Some people tell them it absolutely is a disability and you are a prick if you say otherwise, some tell them it isn't and you are a prick if you say otherwise, and some say something else and you are just a prick.

The same is true with many of these other observations or comments.

My son has ASD and ADHD and we have been on the receiving end of some choice comments. Luckily these have diminished a lot since I split up with my ex and don’t have to see or speak to his thick as dog shit mother (“do you ever feel it’s your fault he’s damaged? you're the one who insisted he have the MMR and everyone knows that it gives the autism”). I’ve been asked what my son’s “special talent is” by a dopey but harmless lady who lived in the same block as us. An old boot on the bus said to me “bet you wish you’d kept your legs shut love” when son was kicking off. Lovely. A lady I didn’t know told him to keep his shitty comments to himself. My dad has asked me if I can “stop make him making that noise he makes” during a meltdown while I was on the floor with my little boy getting bitten, punched and kicked. He’s never done that since.

I really fucking hate seeing the words “is he on the spectrum?” On threads on here about husbands and partners being cunts to their families or downright abusive. It’s not a get out of jail free card for nasty behaviour and it’s not an armchair diagnosis to just hand out. It’s not just here though. A social worker asked me once if I thought (abusive, rapist, controlling) ex is on the spectrum, because our son is. I at her and told I didn’t know and I didn’t care either way. And said in an admittedly snotty way that I had read that my son as some with ASD is far more likely to be the victim of crime than the perpetrator. She dropped it.

The only people I have heard saying autism isn’t a disability are people with autism who don’t feel they are disabled but expect that everyone will feel the same. I have got very annoyed in the past when people have told me that they are autistic and not disabled therefore DS isn’t disabled when he is very much so.

I think the key is back to what DS reception teacher said to me “when you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism”

It's o wonder people end up saying the wrong thing, though

Yes. Because being courteous is so very difficult for neurotypicals, who sneer at us for our social interaction difficulties.

YANBU my ds is 3 and has autism, we’ve had so many ill informed comments made by people including family and friends but I agree with a pp that it’s not something any one understands until they live it. My least favourite assumption is that autistic children are naughty I have a 6 year old dd who was far more “naughty” and had way more tantrums then my ds ever has.

Oh the one I hate (sorry if it's already been mentioned is "s/he is ASD". No, they are autistic, ASD is the condition. 🤦‍♀️

I don't mind being referred to as either autistic or someone with autism.

yanbu

Some people are rude and others are ill informed. Some might come from lack of knowledge and an ill thought out believe that the comment is helpful.

Also the spectrum is huge and there is a massive difference between someone whose life is affected a bit by autism but they are independent, no learning disability, working etc than an individual with autism that has a severe learning disability, needs support for the most basic self care (toileting, washing etc) and will never be independent and require life long care or residential living...... massive differences yet some seem to pretend autism is all the same - it isn't.

[Flowers] @Opal93

@Ponoka7

"autisitics are, on average, more intelligent than neurotypicals Absolutely. Also over-represented in the professions, esp medicine. (We now realize that includes my DH!)"

There different levels of how negatively autism affects the person. People who have autism can be more focused and have less involvement in drama etc, which helps with achievement. So those who are what would be once called high functioning, would do better on average. But there are as many people who are non verbal or have S&L issues and learning difficulties because of their autism. Also 'autistics' rather than people who have autism, is offensive.

If you listen to the autistic community largely there is a preference for autistic people to be described as autistic rather than ‘person with autism’. I know many diagnosed people who prefer both terms. ‘Autistic’ is certainly not offensive, it is a medical diagnosis - that’s ableism in and of itself.

@Doona

One of my daughter's friends is autistic and it baffles me because she does seem completely fine and normal. I know you're not supposed to say that, so I don't, but I do wonder what her disability is exactly. I mean, I believe that she is, but it's hard to understand how it affects people when you can't see any signs at all.

There are many people with autism that have severe learning disability and need a very high level of care. It places a massive strain on a family to care for someone with a very high level of needs.

Unfortunately, people often assume the one like the person you referred to is typical .....

[quote Tinydinosaur]@BuggerBognor it's certainly going to be harder to find the balance. I think it's important that autistic kids don't hear "he can't help it, he's autistic." When they do something that isn't socially acceptable. It's just setting them up for low expectations of themself and a sense of entitlement. Autistics aren't special, just different.[/quote]
Who defines what is ‘socially acceptable?’ Neurotypicals?! Do you also find wheelchairs ‘entitled’? Or is it just disabilities you find distasteful that should try harder to conceal themselves?

[quote OwlBeThere]@Doona my daughter is like this, female autistics especially are very very good at masking. What you see as opposed to what happens when she’s at home in her ‘safe’ place could be very different. It’s one of the huge issues with diagnosing girls, my daughter was the best behaved, most helpful child ok earth at school. Then she’d come home and spend her evening rearranging toys obsessively, or crying whilst clinging to me. Or hitting her head off the wall. She used to stroke the carpet pile for hours. She never ate. She hated certain clothes.
Now at 17 she has a pass where she can leave class when it gets overwhelming, she has extreme social anxiety. One time she didn’t leave her room for 6 weeks. But if you met her in the street you’d have no idea about any of that.[/quote]
My friend's daughter is so massively affected by her autism that it is extremely obvious she is autistic.... with severe learning disability and extremely challenging behaviour to boot. Masking cannot be done by someone like my friend's daughter - she isn't able to mask - austism dominates her every move/thought/ etc - she is so OCD, repetitive behaviours, routines must be exact - it is exhausting

Everyone with autism is an individual and the more able that can mask are very different to other individuals (need help with toileting/washing/all self care/no danger awareness/hitting/violent/etc etc etc.. a completely different world

Try, he gives good eye contact he cant be autistic

Why is he making cat noises? Why is he hissing like that? Control your child he shouldn't be HISSING LIKE A CAT just slap him

Also, is something wrong with him I can't understand what he is saying? Why is his voice so unclear SPEAK UP he clearly needs help from speech and language, what do you mean he has had support for 6 years thats NOT POSSIBLE

FUCK MY LIFE somedays