Friend wants a whole weekend away

[Usernamqwerty]

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

[Bluntness100]

Does your husband have mental health issues too OP?

She’s not clarified other than to say he works in a job that causes lots of stress, works long hours, sometimes all night and takes the kids three nights a week to sleep in his bedroom with him so th op is not disturbed. So it’s highly likely he’s also doing as much as he can. The op doesn’t appear to work as much as he does, and she’s not said the kids sleep in her room at any stage. So it could be he is doing as much as he is capable of. Working excessive hours, sleeping with the children three nights, has one lie in and one afternoon a week off, which he may need to be able to continue to function.

[thesugarbumfairy]

What a strange post.
However, ignoring your setup and the idea that you can't look after your own kids all weekend...

Just tell her no. You friend doesn't have kids. She has literally NO IDEA how much hard work it is. I wouldn't have gone away for a whole weekend when my kids were that age either. In fact I didn't go away for a few nights until my youngest was 6. My choice.

I know she is your friend, but you keep different hours, and that's just the way it is. Tell her you don't want to do a full weekend until the kids are older. If she is huffy about it, she is a shit friend.

[Flowers24]

What a weird arragement! Id also be annoyed if i was your friend !

[Spidey66]

I think the OP is taking a battering here. Ok her childcare sounds unusual but if it works for her and her partner, so what?

[ArialAnna]

I get it OP. I think parenting alone at the weekend is a bit crap and lonely. It feels distinctly different from looking after young kids alone during the week, as there are classes and playgroups (well pre covid at least) and other mums to hang out with, but at the weekend most of my friends are busy with their own families, and you feel like you're imposing on them if you suggest a weekend meet up. Generally DP and I hang out together at weekends, but we do take two weekends 'off' with friends a year. If DP wanted to do another, that would be fine but I'd expect another back in return! I suspect that some of the posters who are sneering at that system as 'tit for tat' are those mums whose partner buggers off on his 'hobby' every weekend. It's nearly always the women picking up the slack when the balance is unequal.

[WorraLiberty]

@Bluntness100

Does your husband have mental health issues too OP?

She’s not clarified other than to say he works in a job that causes lots of stress, works long hours, sometimes all night and takes the kids three nights a week to sleep in his bedroom with him so th op is not disturbed. So it’s highly likely he’s also doing as much as he can. The op doesn’t appear to work as much as he does, and she’s not said the kids sleep in her room at any stage. So it could be he is doing as much as he is capable of. Working excessive hours, sleeping with the children three nights, has one lie in and one afternoon a week off, which he may need to be able to continue to function.

Yes, the OP does need to clarify because she said he had the kids in his bedroom from a few weeks old, so it's not clear if he still does.

[DawnMumsnet]

We've had some reports about this thread from people concerned that some of the responses are pretty harsh, so we're going through the thread now and will be deleting any posts which we feel are not in the spirit of the site.

In case anyone missed it, we just wanted to flag that the OP has said this:

'Parenting is hard but some of us find it harder than others. I have had a family worker in the past due to how hard I have found it and nearly ended up with the perinatal mental health service. Please be kind 🙏'

Please bear this in mind when posting, and remember that Mumsnet is meant to be a site where parents support each other.

Many thanks.

[SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3]

@Usernamqwerty

So no-one else finds small children exhausting then... 🤔

Mine barley slept for years so yes it was exhausting, they also have SEN, but I wouldn't be worried about doing it on my own for a weekend.

[turnthebiglightoff]

What?

[lemmein]

Do you actually WANT to go on this weekend away OP? Are you naturally quite introverted?

I ask because when my 2 were small, (2 under 2 at one point 🙈) if I had any child-free time I didn't want to do anything with it, I just wanted to do nothing. Even though I knew a weekend away would've probably helped me mentally, after a week of work and parenting I just couldn't be arsed.

If that's the case with you, it's ok to say to your friend you just don't want to go - your set-up with your DH does sound bizarre but I'm guessing there would be lee-way for something you actually wanted to do? If you don't want to go just explain to your friend how exhausted you're feeling, and how difficult you're finding things, and even though you know a weekend would probably do you good you're not able to even consider it at the moment - if that's the case? If I was your friend I'd understand that, but the reason you've given her would just make me think your DH was an arsehole tbh.

Take care of yourself, parenting 2 small children cracked me up, it's not easy for everybody.

[SleepingStandingUp]

[quote FrankReynolds]@SleepingStandingUp why don't I need time off?[/quote]
Sorry @FrankReynolds that totally came off as me being a bitch. Didn't mean that.

You said you'd rather co-parent all the time and go away with your partner and kids for the weekend . Op wants time away from them. Both are fine. If you don't feel you need a break that's ok. Is she does that's ok. If you do feel like you need one, talk to your dp

[Usernamqwerty]

Thank you DawnMumsnet!

Sorry for the confusion. The having them in his room three nights a week was when they were a few weeks old. They are now in their own rooms.

DH is generally fine mental health wise. He doesn't get stressed like I do. He also covers all the night wakings for the kids (we've had a lot lately).

This thread has given me lots of food for thought. However I am not going to have to explain, justify or apologise for who I am and my parenting choices. We have a set-up which works for us.

As mentioned, when stuff was open (soft play etc) we would do Sunday mornings as a family.

I'm thinking of booking a spa day, on my own, for some RnR...

[RainingZen]

I have no idea why everyone is being so horrible to you. I don't think your arrangement with your DP sounds "weird" or "transactional" - it sounds organised, and designed to avoid resentment.

I'd guess your friend is cross because as you say, she doesnt understand because she has no kids herself, she misses you, and is worried you are too consumed by the drudgery of daily life. Sadly friends often grow apart when kids arrive on the scene - it is a well-known phenomenon that mums make new friends with other mums. It is just easier.

Maybe it would help to tell your friend clearly that until the kids are older you aren't feeling strong enough to have time away.

In my experience a weekend away in London would be exhausting - and when you get back, you have to do shopping and laundry and housework and deal with clingy kids.

I had a very busy full time job when my first baby was born and I was exhausted all the time, I did nothing but work, keep house, make obligatory visits to grandparents, and play with my baby. Husband ditto.

Just be firm with your friend, apologise for disappointing them but say you don't want to have to pretend to enjoy the weekend and ask if you can arrange something else instead .

[AryaStarkWolf]

@DustCentral

Your quid pro quo set up with your DH sounds weird. Keeping count of time off from the kids to that degree? Strange IMO.

I agree but even still I'd happily trade 1 full weekend for 1 weekend off

[mrfrostywasadick]

I hope you're ok op. It's like playground bullies on here sometimes.
Your mental health is a priority and whatever works, works. I do agree your dh shouldn't tit for tat you on a weekend away.

[Swordfish1]

Given your MH issues, which your DH must know about and how hard it is for you to have the dc on your own for a whole weekend. Couldn't he just have them for that one weekend so you can see your friend?

Why does it have to be returned immediately? This is the part I really don't get? As parents, surely its give and take?

[Atalantea]

@Usernamqwerty

Thank you DawnMumsnet!

Sorry for the confusion. The having them in his room three nights a week was when they were a few weeks old. They are now in their own rooms.

DH is generally fine mental health wise. He doesn't get stressed like I do. He also covers all the night wakings for the kids (we've had a lot lately).

This thread has given me lots of food for thought. However I am not going to have to explain, justify or apologise for who I am and my parenting choices. We have a set-up which works for us.

As mentioned, when stuff was open (soft play etc) we would do Sunday mornings as a family.

I'm thinking of booking a spa day, on my own, for some RnR...

We have a set-up which works for us

But does it? If you can't do a weekend away, without having to reciprocate and therefore miss out. And what if dh wants to go away for a weekend?