For not forcing my child to hug someone

[imoverthis]

My husband and I have had a very lengthy argument because I told him not to force our daughter to hug her auntie if she doesn't want to.

Our daughter was pushing herself away from her auntie and her auntie was holding onto her, my husband was saying over and over again "hug auntie hug auntie" and I told him not to force her if she doesn't want to.

Her threw a fit in front of everyone and when they left we argued. He said we should make her hug and kiss her family because we never know what might happen. My argument is we shouldn't force her to hug or kiss anyone as in my opinion it's teaching her she should do things to keep others happy no matter how she feels about it.

AIBU?

YANBU.

I’ll teach DS to always politely say goodbye, but won’t make him hug or kiss someone. It’s good to teach children boundaries.

@lazyarse123 true that not everyone manages that I haven't. I have severe ocd and agoraphobia. Been fighting to overcome that for years.

I think it depends on the age. With little kids there isn't much point.

As for older kids, I disagree with the majority. You should teach older kids what sort of requests it's socially acceptable and appropriate to go along with - hugging grandma, shaking hands when offered, la bise in Quebec or France, whatever, and why these are ok and often unkind to refuse - and what kind of requests are inappropriate and which should be refused - going off with a strange adult, touching sexual parts of the body, etc, and why.

Not making clear the differences doesn't give kids the tools to navigate situations and tends to make them feel uncomfortable in what are socially normal interactions. If they feel uncomfortable in those, it becomes difficult to judge whether they are uncomfortable with a given interaction because it is actually problematic or because they are feeling awkward.

Not unreasonable in the slightest. Children need to know from a young age that their boundaries are respected otherwise what is to stop them from saying no to a stranger.

I am from a culture where it is not common to allow children to say no to affection from older family members but I insist they do not need to hug or kiss anyone they don't want to (and equally they need to accept that sometimes their siblings/friends don't want to be on the receiving end of their affection). With family, I encourage them to give a hi five instead and that breaks the awkwardness that would otherwise ensue without forcing affection

@SmokedDuck

I disagree. Children are never too young to have body autonomy

You should teach older kids what sort of requests it's socially acceptable and appropriate to go along with

No. It's great to teach kids what is normative but also let them say no if they want. DD and I went to a Scandi country and went swimming. I told her beforehand women all changed together and that was usual for that country but that she was free to choose. She chose to change with everyone. Had I forced her, she would have been distressed.

Choice is important. Social mores are too but it's knowing them that's the key, not following every one.

@SmokedDuck

I think it depends on the age. With little kids there isn't much point.

As for older kids, I disagree with the majority. You should teach older kids what sort of requests it's socially acceptable and appropriate to go along with - hugging grandma, shaking hands when offered, la bise in Quebec or France, whatever, and why these are ok and often unkind to refuse - and what kind of requests are inappropriate and which should be refused - going off with a strange adult, touching sexual parts of the body, etc, and why.

Not making clear the differences doesn't give kids the tools to navigate situations and tends to make them feel uncomfortable in what are socially normal interactions. If they feel uncomfortable in those, it becomes difficult to judge whether they are uncomfortable with a given interaction because it is actually problematic or because they are feeling awkward.

A couple of things to note:

Grooming of youngsters begins way before there's any sexual touching. And adults are groomed too, to look away and dismiss behaviour they should be paying attention to.

The vast majority of sexual abuse occurs in families, including family friends so familiar to us.

So I never forced hugs on kids, or forced my own kids to hug, etc, if they didn't want to.

You're in the right OP.

Children's physical boundaries should be respected as much as those of adults and they have a right to assert their wishes. Teaching them the contrary is a terrible message to give a child.