For not forcing my child to hug someone

[imoverthis]

My husband and I have had a very lengthy argument because I told him not to force our daughter to hug her auntie if she doesn't want to.

Our daughter was pushing herself away from her auntie and her auntie was holding onto her, my husband was saying over and over again "hug auntie hug auntie" and I told him not to force her if she doesn't want to.

Her threw a fit in front of everyone and when they left we argued. He said we should make her hug and kiss her family because we never know what might happen. My argument is we shouldn't force her to hug or kiss anyone as in my opinion it's teaching her she should do things to keep others happy no matter how she feels about it.

AIBU?

My DH does this sometimes as well and it winds me up; I wouldn't want to be forced to hug someone so why should our son? YADNBU.

You’re absolutely right. I’ve got a DD the same age and she loves blowing kisses so that’s what she expects to do when we say goodbye to people (she now blows a kiss to our postie who she’s seen more of in the last year than most of our friends and family). If she wants to hug someone she puts her arms out or says “hug”.

My step mum expected to hug her the first few times we saw them after lockdown last year when no one had hugged anyone they didn’t live with for 4 months and I had to deal with several epic strops from her. Seeing a 67 year old stomp her foot while sticking out her bottom lip and saying “I want baby hugs” after trying to prize my child from my arms is something I won’t forget in a hurry but I just said no. Who wants to hold a struggling, crying, resistant baby or toddler anyway? How’s that fun?

My child’s comfort comes above social niceties and that’s how it’s staying.

I’m with OP on this one. Physical contact should
Never be Forced on a child in any situation.

A close friend told me how she was always forced to sit on Uncle Pervert’s knee when she was young and though he never touched her up or did anything else she remembers that she could always feel she was sitting on an erection (which is just as bad IMHO).

@PaperMonster I read a story on here once about a Mumsnetter's uncle who would tickle the kids without stopping until they wet themselves on his lap, even when they were screaming at him to stop. It went well beyond a game but the other adults just let it happen because, well, it's just Uncle Dickhead playing around. Honestly made my blood run cold when I read it.

@Graphista

Another csa survivor saying PLEASE stick to your guns.

Sadly I think you may have to disabuse him of other abuse myths too

Eg

That abuse doesn't happen in the presence of a protective adult or adults - it can, it does and it's all too common

That he will know who can be trusted - when I disclosed a few were unsurprised, several were visibly shocked.

That your child would tell you - I didn't disclose until I was in my 30's and even then not the full extent straight away

That when abuse occurs it is instantly of an extreme nature - abusers aren't stupid, they build up to worsening acts, they're also very aware of not leaving physical evidence

That they will abuse any child they have access to, so other people who were available to be abused and weren't can think this means it didn't happen - no, they have preferences and they are also very astute at working out who is likely to tell. If my dad had abused my sister she'd have instantly gone screaming to my mum. I was "daddy's girl" and I was confused and hurt and scared and didn't know who I could trust - he saw to that. He also convinced me I was at least partly to blame because I "flirted" and was "sexy" around him and this was reinforced by the forced hugging etc of family and relatives, and by my discomfort at his calling me "sexy" and wolf whistling at me from a very young age was dismissed as my being "uptight".

When I disclosed my immediate family didn't believe me initially. My mum came around a bit after a relative of hers steamed into her, she still disputes much of what happened. My sister point blank calls me a liar, we are nc now for this and a long list of other reasons. My brother was shocked, but eventually came around.

Consent and bodily autonomy start NOW, please stick to your guns op

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am a fellow survivor and can relate to most of your post. Mine didn't come out until after my mum died and occasionally I struggle with whether she knew or not, he was my stepdad who got us out of a bad situation I just have to convince myself that she didn't. Definitely stick to your guns op.

YANBU

I loathed this as a Child, there was one particular relative who insisted in kissing us sisters/cousins on the lips. I can still feel/smell his horrible disgusting grip. Raises fury in my soul to recall my Mother blindly insist it was manners, respecting elders.

NEVER were my kids forced to hug kiss anyone.

You are correct OP.

My friend used to make her kids do this to anyone and everyone, it used to make me cringe! Our kids were the same age

Ive taught my boys they mustn't be rude, they can't ignore people or just walk off, but how they acknowledge them is up to them - they can high five, just use their words, hug, handshake... whatever they want and are comfortable with, but I won't tolerate ignoring family or friends and being rude.

I agree with you too OP.
It's really important to me that my child knows they can decide whether they wish to have bodily contact with people or not.
I've called out family members who keep pushing after being told no hug or kiss, most have accepted but a couple acted as if I was being unreasonable.

God I fucking hate this!!! I was forced to kiss my Nan and I hated hates hated it. As an adult now it disgusts me.

Your DH is wrong. Very wrong.

No no no you are 100% right, how would he like to be pawed by someone he didn’t want touching him. He is very out of order. Maybe he should do some research with the NSPCC.

You could ask your D how she would like to say goodbye and give her options like ; hug, wave, high five or say good bye.
Your teaching her it's polite to say goodbye and giving her choices she feels comfortable doing that are appropriate.
Forcing affection is very wrong.

It's polite for a child to say bye or wave bye. I would encourage that. I would not ask my child to hug or kiss anyone, ever, much less actually force them to do so. Children can decide for themselves who (if anyone) they want to hug and kiss.

@poppycat10

You are right OP and DH is wrong. You don't force kids to hug relatives. They should say a polite goodbye (or hello) but bodily contact is not required!

It applies the other way round too if child is huggy and aunt is not. Child should also be taught to respect other peoples' space.

THIS^

I’m with you op, no one should be made to engage in physical contact with anyone, I remember hating this as a child and I’m equally as uncomfortable with friends & family telling their DC to come and give me a kiss now, I don’t want to kiss your kids thanks & Im sure as hell they don’t want to kiss me.

My ds , ( teenager now ) hated anyone cuddling once past 2ish infact was very shy and people who pushed him to hard never got to see the lovely witty boy he was as he just retreated more , those that sent at his pace and with hid boundaries had a better relationship with him and he was more likely to give them a half hug bye

We should be teaching our young ones about consent from day 1 and their right to say no to physical contact. You did the right thing

You should never force physical contact with a child unless they are endangering them self. Most children who are abused are abused by people they know. Telling the child they must hug that person only reinforces a child to think you will not believe them if they tell you something has happened because your forcing contact. That tells the child you think what's happening is OK so if that was OK what's happening behind closed doors must be too as they do not have a right to say no despite it being their body. I would point out you want your child to be able to say no and to feel she can speak up if something ever happened. A child has as much right to their own personal space as an adult. Ask her why she didn't want to hug aunty. Maybe there is a reason, it could be the smell of aunties perfume or maybe auntie forgot yo brush her teeth and smelt a bit nasty. It could be a number of simple reasons.

Yanbu.

I hated relatives and friends hugging and kissing me. Still hate it now. I am introverted and socially awkward. Some people are. I don't like forced physical contact. My in-laws are always hugging all of us and I don't like it. I am on the OPs side on this.

@lazyarse123 sorry you went through similar. There are way too many of us

[quote Graphista]@lazyarse123 sorry you went through similar. There are way too many of us [/quote]
Thank you Graphista.
I pride myself on getting over it relatively well by having a good life and not dwelling on it, not everyone does

Blimey. YANBU. Your kid has a right to say no. Your hub needs to learn about consent!

YANBU no one should be forced to hug or kiss anyone they don’t want to. It’s so important to teach our children from an early age that they’re allowed to say no to this type of thing.

Your husband is an idiot for having a go at you and making a scene like that.

Definitely NBU. Children need to be able to say no. They need to no that saying no to unwanted physical contact is ok. And they can also be rude about it - imagine that a child is getting unwanted hugs of 'Uncle Bob' and their polite "no thank yous" are not being listened to, shouldn't they then be allowed to be rude?

If my date is not listening to my polite refusal to take things further, should I not be allowed to be rude?

The things we are taught as children, as very, very young children, stay with us. I've had many sexual encounters I didn't really want to because I was too polite to say no, I was brought up to please others and be polite.

Seriously your DH needs to give his head a wobble. Parents should not make a child hug or kiss anyone if they don't want to. Children should be taught that they are in charge of their body and not do something, even as innocent as a hug, if they don't feel comfortable. Obviously your child should not be rude but they can do this verbally, wave or high five.

Don't get me started on tickling I had a very elderly Uncle who used to tickle a cousin but it was done to the extreme. When I look back now is was bullying but the Uncle used to continue under the pretence of playing but he was rough and always made my cousin cry. No adults saw this as a problem but us children thought he was a mean Great Uncle and gave him a wide berth.