For not forcing my child to hug someone

[imoverthis]

My husband and I have had a very lengthy argument because I told him not to force our daughter to hug her auntie if she doesn't want to.

Our daughter was pushing herself away from her auntie and her auntie was holding onto her, my husband was saying over and over again "hug auntie hug auntie" and I told him not to force her if she doesn't want to.

Her threw a fit in front of everyone and when they left we argued. He said we should make her hug and kiss her family because we never know what might happen. My argument is we shouldn't force her to hug or kiss anyone as in my opinion it's teaching her she should do things to keep others happy no matter how she feels about it.

AIBU?

YADNBU. It's so important to teach children, especially girls that they have bodily autonomy and the importance of consent. It means that if someone more sinister tries to make them do something physically they should feel more confident saying no and speaking up to someone. This is more difficult if they've been taught by parents that their feelings can be overridden by the wants of adults.

I've always been clear that my DD does not have to hug or cuddle anyone that she doesn't want to, including close family and me and DH. This has led to some slight disappointment from grandparents over the years but we explained and they understand that DD's feelings and choices are more important than their wish for a hug or kiss.

Stick to your guns you are doing the right thing for your child and it's her feelings and boundaries that matter in that situation.

You are completely correct. Show him this

m.youtube.com/watch?v=h3nhM9UlJjc

You are not being unreasonable at all!! I hate it when people say that to my children... go on give grandad a kiss ugh

I always say no he doesn't have to why are you forcing it , didn't go down with pils.. for ref they are fine but just NO!!

Perfectly understandable

No, you're right op.
No one should be forced too and I regret not stepping in more when dd was little and being chased by granny and she was upset..

Some dc can handle it, others are more sensitive..

Thankfully time changed the unnecessary hugs and kisses forced on DC.
I hated kissing my Nanny and her friends as a DC parents thought it was hilarious watching us squirm.
We laugh about it as adults. 🤢

My wretched MIL cannot stand that my DC does not want to cuddle her. My wretched MIL favours her other grandchildren because of it. She’s such a dick.

My cousin (who is now mid 20s) wasn’t a hugger, from a young age his choice of greeting was to shake someone’s hand instead.

This thread is so wonderfully refreshing. I hated being forced to hug and kiss adult relatives as a child - I hated physical contact. The squirmy feeling stayed with me for years and I experienced nothing untoward at any stage.

Definitely won’t make my kids do this. YANBU OP.

No child should have to kiss or hug anyone. They often get to a stage where they don't want to and it is actually an ordeal. Most adults realise this and don't try to force them. Aunt and uncle probably understood well enough - we were all kids once.

Your husband was wrong.

In a pandemic you should be actively preventing hugging and kissing.

In normal times it should be entirely up to the child.

I'm not much of a hugger or kisser. I find saying hello and goodbye perfectly ok.

YANBU. I hated being forced to kiss old relatives when I was younger and I’ll never make my DC do it.

As long as they are polite and wave nicely, they don’t have to touch.

It’s absolutely a fundamental part of teaching consent and bodily autonomy. Forcing physical contact just gives all the wrong messages. Children can still be polite by offering a handshake / high 5 / fist bump / wave / whatever they’re comfortable with.

I have never understood the belief held by many adults that the right to bodily autonomy doesn't count when it comes to children hugging relatives. You are absolutely not being unreasonable and your husband needs to sit down and have a think about what he's teaching his daughter about her boundaries not mattering.

Ugh I hate when people do this to kids! If I'm saying goodbye to friends with children, I will ASK the kid myself for a hug but if they don't want to, I'm happy with a wave!

I will not be telling my children to give people (even family) kisses and hugs - let the kids choose, they should learn about personal space/boundaries.

@UnsolicitedDickPic - goodness, yes, tickling. Hate it. Daughter loves being tickled and often asks me to tickle her but as soon as she says Stop, I stop. Fortunately no-one else tends to tickle her!!

Thanks everyone, glad to hear I'm doing something right!

DD just turned 2, she usually loves hugs and kisses but just wasn't feeling it today and it upset me to see her being forced into something she didn't want to do. My husbands response made feel as though I shouldn't have said anything and I felt quite guilty afterwards!

I've raised my concerns with him regarding teaching consent - his response to this was "we'll teach her when she's older". I'll stick to my guns on this one, just afraid my husband won't unfortunately. Think I'll show him the video someone posted below to try change his mind.

YADNBU
I had no concept that I had any rights let alone body autonomy as a child. My dd has been taught very different things from me. You so did the correct thing.

I grew up in a family where none of us did hugs. I always find it strange when expected to hug anyone as an adult and l just will not. Awful habit.

Yanbu at all OP. Show your (idiot) DH these comments. What an absolute twonk kicking off like that in front of people.

Oh and I had the same issue with dh and his relatives as he thought dd should do as she was told on that front. He’s French and dd absolutely was not going to faire la bise like all little French kids seem to be forced to do... in his acquaintance at least.

I was sexually abused because I was taught to respect and comply with family adults. Unfortunately it was the situation for many it left DC wide open to it.
Also adults excluding DC at a family party leaving all the DC together without popping their head in for hours.
A older cousin touched me and 2 others- young female cousins on different occasions.
I'm glad DC are aware now and not treated as objects.
My creepy dead uncle took pleasure in the hugs too.

Actually, I'm an adult and I hate forced hugs! I'm kinda glad Covid has stopped physical contact. This makes me sound cold but I'm very affectionate with my husband and people close to me - I just hate when people go in for the kill automatically! Sometimes, I just don't want to hug that particular person (because I don't have that kind of relationship with them) or sometimes it's just because of the mood I'm in and I don't feel like it.

But the point is, I should get to choose but I often don't get the choice. .. DH's family and friends are all huggers and I've just had to suck it up thus far but I actually think I'll try to change this post Covid...

YANBU we've always made clear to our children that their body is under their control. Eldest is very tactile so with her it's been more the opposite that she needs to accept not everyone likes being touched.

The youngest though is the complete opposite...more like a cat! Will happily have a cuddle if on her terms, if not on her terms she's visibly unsettled/upset. She's learning how to naturally distance herself from people that don't know her well enough to stay back.

I think teaching children they are in charge of their body is really important. Being polite is still mandatory, it just doesn't require kisses/cuddles!

YANBU. Never understood why people do this. Mine were never taught to hug people, it’s their choice if they do.

Not to mention unless you aren’t in the UK that SD is in place so shouldn’t be getting anywhere near close enough to hug others.

YANBU.

It's good to teach them that they don't have to hug/kiss people they don't want to. It's teaching consent.

I wouldn't give a second thought on hurting an adults feelings because my DS didn't hug/kiss them.