For not forcing my child to hug someone

[imoverthis]

My husband and I have had a very lengthy argument because I told him not to force our daughter to hug her auntie if she doesn't want to.

Our daughter was pushing herself away from her auntie and her auntie was holding onto her, my husband was saying over and over again "hug auntie hug auntie" and I told him not to force her if she doesn't want to.

Her threw a fit in front of everyone and when they left we argued. He said we should make her hug and kiss her family because we never know what might happen. My argument is we shouldn't force her to hug or kiss anyone as in my opinion it's teaching her she should do things to keep others happy no matter how she feels about it.

AIBU?

YANBU in any way at all. I had a discussion about this very thing today with my DH and DC (11 and 14) because my DM makes a massive fuss about getting a hug and a kiss (yes, even in covid times 🙄) from the kids and I’ve always told her to drop it to which she becomes v defensive that they are “her babies” etc, it’s grim. I remember it clearly as a child, having to kiss everyone in the room and I hated it, I’ll never force them, relative or not.

@ViolaValentina

I NEVER force my children to hug, in fact I've trained my family to ask the children if they'd like a hug rather than asking them to give a hug (subtle difference but important). We should all be teaching our children that you don't do anything to another person's body without their consent, and nobody has the right to do anything to yours either.

Trained your family? Are they a pack of dogs?

Did the auntie not feel awkward. I have a few friends and they always say give babyfg a kiss goodbye. It makes me cringe. I do it to be polite but if the child shows any sign of not wanting to I'm like no worries how about a high five or I bet you just want to get home to play or whatever is appropriate. Imagine standing there forcing a child to hug you!

My kids just get told say goodbye to whoever and off we go!

@Wanderlust20

Actually, I'm an adult and I hate forced hugs! I'm kinda glad Covid has stopped physical contact. This makes me sound cold but I'm very affectionate with my husband and people close to me - I just hate when people go in for the kill automatically! Sometimes, I just don't want to hug that particular person (because I don't have that kind of relationship with them) or sometimes it's just because of the mood I'm in and I don't feel like it.

But the point is, I should get to choose but I often don't get the choice. .. DH's family and friends are all huggers and I've just had to suck it up thus far but I actually think I'll try to change this post Covid...

I'm like this too. I hate to be touched by people I barely know or just the fact I don't want them to hug me!

YANBU. Being taught to be polite is one thing, being told you have to hug/kiss others (or let them hug/kiss you) is another, and is definitely not ok.

Children should definitely be taught to be polite, but kisses and hugs should never be forced as it is leaving them ripe for sexual abuse.

What kind of person would even hold onto a child who didn't want to hug them?!

YANBU

It's actually far more important that she is taught this from RIGHT NOW. That way she knows she's allowed to say no, I don't want you to touch me, and that Mummy and Daddy won't be cross and angry because she was naughty and disrespectful to a grown up. Because it's incredibly hard to tell a child what is good touching and bad touching, and they're so easily groomed and manipulated into complying with the grown ups - particularly if they are family or friends.

And you don't know which is the wolf in sheep's clothing, and they are a lot more common than people want to think. Good ol' Unca Bob? Oh, he's a right one with the kids! Always playing with them, tickling them, rough-housing. . .

I taught my kids to always listen to their alarm bell, and they could always tell Mum or Dad if someone scared them or made them feel icky, and don't worry about offending them, that's something for Mum and Dad to sort out.

Your child's safety and bodily autonomy is so much more important than any grown-ups feelings. And any half way sensible adult that is half way realistic about the world in which we live, would agree with that, and do their utmost to support it.

Sorry for the rant.

Yanbu. Your dd must always be allowed to decide for herself who she trusts to hug.

Your dh needs to read up on how abuse happens within the family and how to prevent it.

If today your dd said she didn't want to hug Auntie, and Auntie had been doing something inappropriate, your dh would be enabling abuse. He needs to remember his job is to protect his children first.

YANBU
Any adult should respect a child.

You are doing the right thing. Children need to have their own personal space and boundaries. I have never told mine to hug or kiss anyone.

You are absolutely in the right. I've for various reasons professionally had to listen from SA victims to the most horrific accounts and I'm a firm believer that the concept of consent should apply as soon as possible.

I seriously challenged Exmil on this who was a raging ass that the DC would be more than happy to cuddle me but not her. I pointed out that either way it was their choice and it was partly because I was their safe person because I didn't push them into doing it. If they wanted to cuddle me , great but even I always ask for permission.

Granted DS1 is ASD and it ends badly if he doesn't want to be touched. She couldn't get her head around the fact you were not entitled to anything about the DC as an adult.

Stick to your guns. Even my slightly toxic own family who are massive on appearance understand this and will ask permission from the DC.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. In the future your daughter will be grateful for the life lesson and protecting her.

That’s what the hi-five was invented for. Yanbu. A high five is a great compromise if your child is comfortable with that.

I do 'high 5' with DGC, the older 2 will come to me for a hug though. If they initiate then I'll hug them and kiss on top of head and 'love you' Little one just does high 5.
I didnt ever force my DC to cuddle/kiss either, they are now in their 30s. The family friends who did, their DC were abused by a relative of theirs. When we first met 25 years ago they told the kids to 'give Aunty coldware and uncle coldware a kiss goodbye' the first time we met!

You are 100% correct.

Your children need to be taught consent from birth. They should never be pressured to hug someone against their will. Your DH needs to join the modern era and start thinking about raising a DD who will always stand up for herself with words and actions.

I really dislike it when friends / family keep trying to make their small children kiss or hug me goodbye . I think they feel it looks rude or bad manners , it really doesn't. I just say that's fine let's High five!
I'm not a touchy feely person anyway and I'm sure some kids aren't either
My ds on the other hand would try to hug and kiss everyone as a toddler!

You can't unteach things you teach them as small children.

I always address DD, not the adults. "DD it's OK not to hug, it's your body" and a big smile to the relative. Also a myriad of alternatives. Blown kiss, high fine, polite words, whatever. But DD will not be forced to touch people she doesn't want to on my watch.

YANBU. I'm auntie by marriage to my two nephews and would not dream of them being forced to hug me, or anyone for that matter.

I don't know how many kids have given me a relieved smile when pressed to give me a hug and a kiss, and I've said, 'that's okay, it was lovely to see you honey, bye-bye for next time with a wave'.

Honestly, adults have endless troubles with do we hug, do we kiss, do we air kiss, do we do both cheeks, do we handshake. . .

Nope you are right we do not force our children to hug. It’s if you would like a hug but it’s ok if not.

Just because they are children doesn’t mean they dont own their own space and bodies. We shouldn’t be forcing our children to hug people if they don’t want too

My ds has asd. He used to accept it when younger. As he got older he would run away. I had to tell a friend he actually doesn't want to as she thought he was playing. I also had to explain to my sister he only likes contact from me.

Not in the slightest. 3 year old niece hugged me goodbye earlier. 6 year old nephew came in for a hug looking massively uncomfortable, I told him he could just do a high 5 if he wanted.

Their feelings and bodily autonomy are important.

YANBU

Another csa survivor saying PLEASE stick to your guns.

Sadly I think you may have to disabuse him of other abuse myths too

Eg

That abuse doesn't happen in the presence of a protective adult or adults - it can, it does and it's all too common

That he will know who can be trusted - when I disclosed a few were unsurprised, several were visibly shocked.

That your child would tell you - I didn't disclose until I was in my 30's and even then not the full extent straight away

That when abuse occurs it is instantly of an extreme nature - abusers aren't stupid, they build up to worsening acts, they're also very aware of not leaving physical evidence

That they will abuse any child they have access to, so other people who were available to be abused and weren't can think this means it didn't happen - no, they have preferences and they are also very astute at working out who is likely to tell. If my dad had abused my sister she'd have instantly gone screaming to my mum. I was "daddy's girl" and I was confused and hurt and scared and didn't know who I could trust - he saw to that. He also convinced me I was at least partly to blame because I "flirted" and was "sexy" around him and this was reinforced by the forced hugging etc of family and relatives, and by my discomfort at his calling me "sexy" and wolf whistling at me from a very young age was dismissed as my being "uptight".

When I disclosed my immediate family didn't believe me initially. My mum came around a bit after a relative of hers steamed into her, she still disputes much of what happened. My sister point blank calls me a liar, we are nc now for this and a long list of other reasons. My brother was shocked, but eventually came around.

Consent and bodily autonomy start NOW, please stick to your guns op