Why is everyone suddenly using the term ‘gaslighting’ for absolutely everything?

[OolieMacdoolie]

The term ‘gaslighting’ has a very specific meaning - it’s a form of manipulation in which a person causes another to doubt their perceptions, memories and beliefs by using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation.

But I see it all the time on mumsnet to refer to any number of usually much more benign things - someone disagrees with you about something? Gaslighting. Someone points out that you forgot to do something? Gaslighting. Someone had a difference of opinion about a subject of debate? Gaslighting.

Is it just in vogue at the moment? Or do people think it legitimises their position in a dispute if they can characterise a routine disagreement as someone actually trying to psychologically destroy them?

I find most uses of gaslighting are actually where two people have disagreed, have different perspectives and therefore opinions. It's poor communication. At a push its one partner lying rather than accepting they are wrong.
The trouble with the overuse of these phrases is where it is not happening and one partner starts accusing the other of gaslighting, being narcissistic, controlling etc and where the other person is actually reasonable it effectively ends any meaningful communication. If they disagree and challenge they are gaslighting, being a narcassist or controlling. If they say nothing or walk away then the statement is correct and they have been "found and called out".
Too many armchair psychologists with no understanding of the context of the arguments, the behaviour of both parties, the communication taking place and the inherit triggers involved.

I also feel like everyone is using ‘toxic positivity’ right now.

The thing is...' everybody ' isn't.. I'm not..not at all.
Fudging hate this generalisation crap

@StrawberrySquash

YANBU. I've started noticing it being used a lot recently too. And it's very frustrating. It means a specific type of abuse. Me saying I don't remember you asking me to pick up milk, because I forgot or wasn't listening is not abuse. It's just and me being a bit rubbish. Gaslighting is deliberately setting out to fuck with someone's head. I guess its over use is part of a natural human behaviour to exaggerate, but it does rather diminish actual Gaslighting. It's tricky because stuff all exists on a continuum, and even the lower end has an effect. But it's been annoying me too lately.

It might be gaslighting if they had in fact never asked you to pick up milk in the first place but pretended they had to fuck with your head and exploit any of your ditzy behaviour they fake moaned about

The trouble with the overuse of these phrases is where it is not happening and one partner starts accusing the other of gaslighting, being narcissistic, controlling etc and where the other person is actually reasonable it effectively ends any meaningful communication.
When my then husband was in the process of trying to decide whether he wanted to end our marriage he accused me of being controlling. I wasn't, never stopped him doing anything, I couldn't understand why he felt that. Now I know we're not meant to understand!

Once he had decided he was going I plucked up the courage to ask him about the time he had thrown me across the room. He replied "Now, this is where I think you're gaslighting me". He also said he felt he was walking on eggshells. He was, to misquote the song, telling my life with his words.

To be fair, I think the government is actually gaslighting us - by stating things that are provably false, denying previous statements which are on record, and encouraging us to cheer as though they have achieved victories rather than failures. I think that is, in fact , gaslighting.

@Orgasmagorical

The trouble with the overuse of these phrases is where it is not happening and one partner starts accusing the other of gaslighting, being narcissistic, controlling etc and where the other person is actually reasonable it effectively ends any meaningful communication. When my then husband was in the process of trying to decide whether he wanted to end our marriage he accused me of being controlling. I wasn't, never stopped him doing anything, I couldn't understand why he felt that. Now I know we're not meant to understand!

Once he had decided he was going I plucked up the courage to ask him about the time he had thrown me across the room. He replied "Now, this is where I think you're gaslighting me". He also said he felt he was walking on eggshells. He was, to misquote the song, telling my life with his words.

I too got the walking on eggshells accusation. I found it deeply confusing and it wasn't until months later I realised it was because I was the one actually walking on eggshells.

Can I add “virtue signalling” to the list of cringey overused phrases???

Totally agree, OP! And the casual way it’s thrown around here by proof who clearly don’t really understand what it means but want to be part of the “in crowd” by using the latest Big Words, just trivializes the true scope of its damage when it really happens. It can make people suicidal.

I read a thread on here where the OP, who was probably suffering from some form of depression, was eating too much, comfort eating, and was having to buy clothes in bigger and bigger sizes every few months. Her husband suggested that she might want to look at eating less, for her general health, instead of just buying bigger clothes. 99% of the responses were that he was gaslighting. Unkind? Maybe. A big thoughtless with his comments? Probably. Gaslighting? Absolutely not.

And then there’s “thrown under the bus”. Either it means something different in the UK than it does here or people are just saying it because someone else did and they don’t really know what it means.

@OldScrappyAndHungry

Can I add “virtue signalling” to the list of cringey overused phrases???

You most certainly can! There’s only one thing worse than the phrase “virtue signaling” and that’s the act of it.

I feel differently about virtue signaling being used a lot. It's a behaviour we all do to a certain extent and I don't think that makes us bad people. It's part of the dance of complex social interactions we all do every day. Whereas gaslighting is actually wrong and people shouldn't do it, full stop.

@OldScrappyAndHungry

Can I add “virtue signalling” to the list of cringey overused phrases???

But so apt. Since it’s so common, it needed a name.

It's frustrating but language changes and develops over time, and always will.

My ex used to steal money from me all the time. He would take my card from my purse and head to the pub. He would make up stories about how I was drunk when I withdrew that £100 from the cash point “don’t you remember?” “This has happened a few times now. Are you okay?” “I asked if you really needed it but you insisted” “I think that medication you are on is messing with your head a bit. You should speak to someone, I’m worried about you”

The years of abuse had broken me to the point that at I was sat the the GP surgery asking for help because I thought my mind was deteriorating because stuff kept happening that didn’t make sense. The GP gently raised the issue of DV and abuse and I confidently said “oh no.. it’s me. I do things and can’t remember it”
Took me years of EMDR and talking therapy to process what the hell happened over those years. The therapist used the term gaslighting. I had never heard it before.
Now everyone used it every time someone disagrees with them

Mousetown, it's sometimes so difficult to realise you're being abused when you're in the middle of it

When we were first married we had a joint account. I had paid off all his debts with my savings and put the remainder into the joint account. The last time I had looked at what was in the JA there was £114. The next time I looked it was £14. I asked him what he had taken the £100 out for and he said "We discussed this already, don't you remember" (no question mark). That was the first instance of gaslighting that I was aware of. Like Mousetown I didn't see the whole picture until I was well out of the relationship.

It's the latest pretentious buzz phrase of the moment.
The new Salted Caramel.
As well as gaslighting I keep seeing the terms No Contact or Low Contact.
Usually for the most trivial of crimes.
There's a poster at the moment who's gone No Contact with her MIL because the MIL told her how to hang the washing on the line.
I expect all these things make people feel special.

Is 'you do you' something that's been said forever and I have only just noticed it on MN (often to do with Covid) it doesn't really make sense as a statement.

I've always understood it as a response to someone commenting on something you say or do, in a slightly critical way. E.g. "I'm going to put the shopping away" "Oh, aren't you going to wipe it first with antibac? I always do" "Oh, well, you do you". Just shorthand for saying you do it your way, and I'll do it my way. Don't think it's particularly rude. No ruder than commenting in the first place, anyway!

@ssd

Christ knows. Its just fashionable. I really dont know what it means.

There'll be something else along soon!

I don't mind trigger warnings for actual things like murder, rape, child abuse etc that may cause distress, but I belonged to a Facebook group that seemed to have trigger warnings for everything - periods, food, capital letters (wtf?) It got so absolutely ridiculous, I had to leave.

See also members of wildlife groups that moan about pictures of spiders, snakes, wasps etc, that don't have a trigger warning.

There was a hilarious sketch this weekend on Saturday Night Live with Carey Mulligan (available on YouTube) where she is on a StarTrek spaceship and being a spoiled, entitled drama queen, throwing out almost every one of the phrases in this thread (off the top of my head I know there was “gaslighting”, “my truth” and “toxic” and I’m reasonably certain “triggered” was too). Very funny.

@mommybunny

There was a hilarious sketch this weekend on Saturday Night Live with Carey Mulligan (available on YouTube) where she is on a StarTrek spaceship and being a spoiled, entitled drama queen, throwing out almost every one of the phrases in this thread (off the top of my head I know there was “gaslighting”, “my truth” and “toxic” and I’m reasonably certain “triggered” was too). Very funny.

The thing is gaslighting is not funny If it happens to you it is highly distressing, traumatising and takes a lot to recover from. Actually I don’t think I will ever recover

It’s one thing to question the legitimacy of whether conduct amounts to gaslighting it’s quite another to incorporate it into a comedy sketch.

It’s used to silence anyone that disagrees with you and make you into a poor innocent victim. It’s the new ‘Karen’.

I miss good, old-fashioned ‘fuckwittage’.

"projecting" is another term used a lot, don't agree with them? They must be projecting their own abusive tendancies.

Everyone appears to be an abuser or a misogynist - I've seen some excellently crowbarred claims of abuse into threads where the OP hadn't even asked their OH yet but "they won't do it, they're probably a misogynist" or the like, thankfully most people take advice at face value and don't leave their partner the second there's an issue

The words 'shouting' are also used on mn when somebody gets challenged or rebuked over something. 'Shouting' has to be the most misunderstood word in the English language that has lost all meaning. I work in a school and I constantly hear kids say 'Mr/Mrs x shouted in my face' when no the teacher said it in a calm voice and I witnessed it.

Many of my colleagues do the same saying 'the manager shouted at me' when it was a rebuke said in a calm voice. My ex did the sam, if I challenged him on something he'd say I was 'shouting'' at him when it was in a calm voice. People use it to deflect their bad behaviour to make the other person seem unreasonable/acting abusive.

'Feminism' is another word that is clearly misunderstood and overused on mn as posters will claim they are it and then go into man-bashing mode in the next sentence.

'Financially abusive' is another 1 I see on mn when a man wants to be sensible with family money or dares challenge/question his wife on spending. That's not financial abuse.