Why is everyone suddenly using the term ‘gaslighting’ for absolutely everything?

[OolieMacdoolie]

The term ‘gaslighting’ has a very specific meaning - it’s a form of manipulation in which a person causes another to doubt their perceptions, memories and beliefs by using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation.

But I see it all the time on mumsnet to refer to any number of usually much more benign things - someone disagrees with you about something? Gaslighting. Someone points out that you forgot to do something? Gaslighting. Someone had a difference of opinion about a subject of debate? Gaslighting.

Is it just in vogue at the moment? Or do people think it legitimises their position in a dispute if they can characterise a routine disagreement as someone actually trying to psychologically destroy them?

@thecatsthecats

YANBU.

I'm afraid I kind of tore my husband a new one when he accused me of it simply for having a different recollection to him. Accusing me of deliberately misleading his memories was horrible, IMO.

He did apologise, and admitted that he didn't appreciate the nuance, because it's so commonly used as a shorthand for disagreeing.

If he truly believed you were deliberately misleading his memories, then he was right to think you were gaslighting. That he ended up being wrong (because you weren't deliberately doing so) doesn't mean that's not what people do when they gaslight others. So he was right in that aspect.

@Butchyrestingface

Ooooh, and I HATE people putting NARC, instead of narcissist. Not sure if it's because they can't spell narcissist, or if they're too lazy to write the full word, but it just jars me for some reason!

I can relate.

Mat leave and spag bol trigger the hell out of me.

Orgasmagorical

It should be the people who claim their ex is a narcissist just because they don’t like them that put you off saying it, not me for pointing it out that not every single persons ex is a narcissist 🙄 it’s a rare condition

Agree, so much.

It devalues the meaning and context of the term.

Ditto coercive control, DARVO, abusive, and grooming, all used with increasing frequency for “someone disagreed with me, and this will shut them up” scenarios.

I mean, people are making posts about bad relationships, problems, abusive partners etc so obviously words like toxic, narcissistic and gaslighting are coming up because nobody is making posts about good relationships.

I have a very stable, loving relationship with both my parents and my dh, so I have no need to create a post about them. That's why we hear so much about toxic/narcissistic/gaslighting parents/partners - they're not the norm, or the majority, they're just the ones we hear about.

Obviously, some people rip the piss with these terms and blow things out of all pproportion but often their usage is completely valid.

Because gaslighting happens to women all the time in a patriarchal society.

I agree we need a better term for the behaviour.

@PurpleFlower1983

The term comes from the play and later excellent film Gas Light so it’s not new but does seem to have become much more popular recently!

It’s a good film. Atmospheric.

It is a superb play, menacing and the husband is so utterly vile you are cheering when Bella traps him at the denouement. Highly recommended
Saw the play in our local theatre with Tara Fitzgerald playing Bella - the whole thing was amazingly atmospheric!

I've also noticed the term being misused a lot recently. Bugs me that people not only can't be bothered to find out how to spell words, but now it's too much trouble to find out what they actually mean!

While we're here, I would add 'Could it be Autism/Aspergers?' usually suggested in response to an adult showing 'unreasonable' behaviour. That is really offensive to people who have Autism and their loved ones and i think it is because so may people don't understand what Autism really is and truly means.

Yep that’s a common one as well, there was a woman on another thread saying she believed her ex partner was “on the spectrum” because he didn’t want to see their child any more, apparently she couldn’t understand why else he was being so cold. Found that really offensive. So all absent fathers are autistic now are they

@ssd a strawman argument isn’t a new term.

The first person to accuse their opponent of straw-manning was Martin Luther, so it’s not exactly a trendy new term. Used appropriately, like gaslighting and mansplaining, it’s an extremely useful term to describe a very specific phenomenon accurately.

DH does this ALL THE TIME it drive me mental. Whenever I disagree with him or truthfully deny having done something, I'm gaslighting him. I've explained the meaning he just says yes you are making me doubt myself. BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG YOU DAFT CUCUMBER.

"Straw man argument", "straw man fallacy", "strawmanning":

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man

effectiviology.com/straw-man-arguments-recognize-counter-use/

It’s a MN bingo term for sure. At least 50% of the situations that a posters refers to when they talk about ‘gaslighting’ I’m like Nope!

I understand that people overuse terms. Paedophile is also massively overused among young people, apparantly having a relationship ship with a 16 year old when you’re 20 now makes you a paedophile according to things I read.

However, gaslighting happens a lot. My ex used to do it. He would convince me black was white. And I don’t think shutting down terms is helpful.

Words get overused and can lose their impact and meaning. Exaggeration of language is also a trait. YANBU OP.

It's actually a really good word but overuse has killed it. Shame.

I first noticed the trend to (mis)use therapeutic terms in the early 90's when I was training in a therapeutic field when the use of the term 'issue' became common place for any difficulty.
I blame Oprah and Dr Phil.

@OolieMacdoolie

The term ‘gaslighting’ has a very specific meaning - it’s a form of manipulation in which a person causes another to doubt their perceptions, memories and beliefs by using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation.

But I see it all the time on mumsnet to refer to any number of usually much more benign things - someone disagrees with you about something? Gaslighting. Someone points out that you forgot to do something? Gaslighting. Someone had a difference of opinion about a subject of debate? Gaslighting.

Is it just in vogue at the moment? Or do people think it legitimises their position in a dispute if they can characterise a routine disagreement as someone actually trying to psychologically destroy them?

Gas lighting? It's not rocket science. It's not blue sky thinking. We have to think outside the box and work this!

Another expression I keep seeing on here is 'you do you' as a kind of dismissive 'do what you want I don't give a shit' presumably. Not seen it before and now it's everywhere.

I dislike ‘you do you’. Agree it’s dismissive.

“You do you” is fine for trivial things - I most recently heard it used by ASOIAF fans who like Game of Thrones the TV series to tell ASOIAF fans who hate the TV series that they should feel free to feel that way but maybe not get in the way of other people enjoying something.

Is 'you do you' something that's been said forever and I have only just noticed it on MN (often to do with Covid) it doesn't really make sense as a statement.

I’ve only noticed it recently.
Had it said to me 😱