Why is everyone suddenly using the term ‘gaslighting’ for absolutely everything?

[OolieMacdoolie]

The term ‘gaslighting’ has a very specific meaning - it’s a form of manipulation in which a person causes another to doubt their perceptions, memories and beliefs by using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation.

But I see it all the time on mumsnet to refer to any number of usually much more benign things - someone disagrees with you about something? Gaslighting. Someone points out that you forgot to do something? Gaslighting. Someone had a difference of opinion about a subject of debate? Gaslighting.

Is it just in vogue at the moment? Or do people think it legitimises their position in a dispute if they can characterise a routine disagreement as someone actually trying to psychologically destroy them?

Because people are sheep: they hear a term and adopt it blindly. Cf: narcissist, privilege, etc.

Omg. Absolutely. I was reading the daily mail comments in some article the other day (I only read the comments, for a laugh) and the top comment was someone saying the government was 'gaslighting' the British people. I mean, that's some feat!

And absolutely everyone's parents are 'abusive' and 'narcissistic'. It's so tedious...

I have seen the play so I understand the origin. If anything it makes me more annoyed at the posters using it to refer to any situation in which someone doesn’t instantly agree with them 😂

As someone who has almost had their life totally destroyed by a gaslighting narc I hope most of those who use their terms are perhaps not as well acquainted of them as I am.

Surely people have a right to describe a person or a situation as they see fit, no-one owns these terms, although I have to admit when a poster describes their mil, for example, as a self obsessed narcissist, I generally take it with a pinch of salt

I agree. I got accused of 'gaslighting' someone on here once, simply because I disagreed with what she was saying. In fact, I wasn't even really disagreeing, I was just giving my own experience of a situation.

I find it's an easy way for some people to shut down a conversation and does a disservice to people who have actually experienced gaslighting in its proper form.

I keep seeing “word salad” written everywhere and it annoys me for some reason

Why is everyone suddenly using the term ‘gaslighting’ for absolutely everything?

Because it's a nice change from 'toxic'.

The same reason people call everyone a Narcissist or toxic. It's the go-to label for (whatever they perceive to be) bad behaviour.

I don't know whether it's 'en vogue' at the moment but I think a lot of people (women) experience things that they might not necessarily have the language to describe it with. Many women will have had experiences of gaslighting or some form of mental abuse that they can now reconcile.

And remember people don't tend to post to say how their relationships are all going incredibly well and everything is entirely healthy. They mainly post when the shit hits the fan or is about to hence the apparent over use of terminology like 'toxic' 'abuse' 'gaslighting' and so forth. I don't think we should deny women that agency.

@OolieMacdoolie

Absolutely re narcissism. It’s everywhere according to the armchair psychologists on mumsnet

Oh good lord yes. There’s a thread in Relationships currently where the OP met some man through online dating, spent weeks chatting and messaging before meeting in person and decided she was in love with him, after the date he gently told her he didn’t think there was a spark and didn’t want another date. Cue posters rocking up to call him a narcissist, recommending she read books about narcissistic abuse, tell her he was gaslighting her. All because the bloke decided they weren’t a match and declined a second date. Madness.

@Happycat1212

Same as everyone saying their ex is a narcissist

Mine has been diagnosed as having NPD but because of posts like yours and others I tend not to mention it, I don't want to be dismissed as just another bitter ex.

His gaslighting could have won prizes!

@Lougle

Is anyone else triggered by the narcissistic gaslighters? See? You can get it all in one sentence.

I fucking HATE 'triggered...' and 'trigger alert...' FFS!

I don't hear gaslighting much though tbh, only on the 'relationships board' when posters are talking to a woman who has a manipulative, controlling husband/boyfriend.

Ooooh, and I HATE people putting NARC, instead of narcissist. Not sure if it's because they can't spell narcissist, or if they're too lazy to write the full word, but it just jars me for some reason!

Someone on here told me I was gaslighting in a discussion about the Harry and Meghan interview. I can't remember the exact circumstance but I had just posted a long post about how it's a shame Harry is stepping out of public service after all the good he's done through the invictus games. It was bizarre.

And the ironic thing is that telling someone they are gaslighting, when they are not gaslighting, actually seems like a form of gaslighting!

Yes the armchair experts on mumsnet who call every poster, who doesn't believe their shit and says so, a narcissist. Those are the ones I'm talking about. How can you tell someone's a "narc" [it even has a pet word] just by a few interactions on a chat forum? Must be looking in the mirror then.😅

Ooooh, and I HATE people putting NARC, instead of narcissist. Not sure if it's because they can't spell narcissist, or if they're too lazy to write the full word, but it just jars me for some reason!

I can relate.

Mat leave and spag bol trigger the hell out of me.

Along with 'lovebombing' 'future faking' and narcissism.

@OolieMacdoolie

Absolutely re narcissism. It’s everywhere according to the armchair psychologists on mumsnet

While we're here, I would add 'Could it be Autism/Aspergers?' usually suggested in response to an adult showing 'unreasonable' behaviour. That is really offensive to people who have Autism and their loved ones and i think it is because so may people don't understand what Autism really is and truly means.

YANBU.

I'm afraid I kind of tore my husband a new one when he accused me of it simply for having a different recollection to him. Accusing me of deliberately misleading his memories was horrible, IMO.

He did apologise, and admitted that he didn't appreciate the nuance, because it's so commonly used as a shorthand for disagreeing.

It’s one of a raft of terns that regularly get misused on MN due to ignorance. A while back self-diagnosed ‘autistic traits’ ran rampant across the board, then everyone’s ex was a narcissist (and sometimes maybe even a sociopath), and now any fibbing or difference in recollection of an event is ‘gaslighting’.

It’s what happens when people latch onto a term without fully understanding it, but are determined to look knowledgeable so they trot it out with liberal abandon, rather than bothering to educate themselves.

Along with 'lovebombing' 'future faking' and narcissism.

I have not heard of future faking before. **

Had to explain what 'chemsex' was recently to an oblivious colleague. Bless their innocence.

Things like ‘triggering’ annoys me in the same way as when people say they have an allergy when what they mean is they don’t like it.
It makes it a meaningless term for people who are genuinely triggered to relive a trauma by a certain action/phrase etc. For so many people it’s ‘look at me. I’m dealing with stuff. Notice how special I am and flock to acknowledge it.’
The same with gaslighting. Some people are in situations where someone is slowly convincing them that black is white and denying it is down to their mental health being in question.

Future faking? What is that?

Hate love bombing! Often used on MN when a man's doing nice things and being thoughtful but the woman doesn't feel a connection. Rather than walk away, there has to be a reason to leave so he's love bombing! Yep, Ltb!