DPs house and shared finances

[TheFatDuck]

I need some advice on what to do about my DP’s mortgage and how we share our finances.

DP and I have been together around 5 years. We have plans to marry and have DC etc.

Before we got together, DP bought a house with a sizeable deposit. When I moved in around 4 years ago, I was earning significantly less than DP. At that time, it was decided that we would pay equal proportions from our respective salaries to cover the mortgage and bills. It was decided DP would remain on the mortgage and I would not be added. As my proportion was so minimal, I was happy with this.

At that time, I said to DP that should I start paying significantly more towards the mortgage (say 50% plus if my salary were to increase) I would want something to show for it if we were to split up. I was concerned that should I pay 50% of the mortgage for a substantial period and we were to break up, I would have nothing to show for the money I put in and that I would essentially be paying off DPs mortgage. This did not go down well with DP at the time.

DP and I are now earning near enough identical salaries and I am wondering what is now fair in terms of finances and what we pay. I am of course happy to split bills 50:50 but would be uncomfortable splitting the mortgage 50:50 as I would not want us to break up and for me to end up with nothing.

I proposed that DPs deposit and mortgage contributions up to now could be ‘ring fenced’ some how with the remainder of the mortgage being split between us with me being put on the mortgage (although I am not sure how this would work in practice). DP thinks that I shouldn’t get the benefit of this however as I did not put in any money for a deposit in the first place so does not want to do this. I think DP thinks I am being a bit grabby. Am I?

Am I being unreasonable in wanting some sort of protection for myself? What is the fairest thing to do here for both parties?

Ultimately I am happy to pay some sort of ‘rent’ to DP if it is nominal but don’t want to pay a huge chunk (which DP would put towards the mortgage) if I end up with nothing if we break up.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

Thank you

If I were your dp and had put a sizeable deposit down on a house I’d want to protect that money too.
You could suggest drawing up an agreement that determines who owns what proportion of the house. So say he put 50% deposit down, the remaining 50% is split between you, meaning in the event of a split you get 25% of any remaining equity.

Yanbu at all.

So what does he think is fair?

Book in with a solicitor for advise. They can sort this easily and ring fence his deposit and proportion. This way you don’t need to argue over what’s fair. The solicitor will advise what’s best.

I would speak to him about getting a Deed of Trust that ring fences his deposit and a percentage of any equity. It’s pretty straightforward to do, and most solicitors charge about £200 to have it done.

You're not being grabby, a declaration of trust can protect both of you easily and fairly as "tenants in common". Does he understand what one of those is and how they work?

If he refuses to countenance this and still expects you to pay towards a home you have no stake in, he's the one being grabby.

DP gets his deposit ring fenced, or perhaps how much has been paid off up to now, you get an equal share going forwards. This can definitely be done.

When are you going to get married? What does he propose re the house when you do?

Does he not see his future with you?

Are you going to get married? In which cause this is a moot point

If not see a solicitor as stuff can be ringfenced. However if he refuses then I would not be paying anything towards the mortgage, but in fact saving that contribution ( and making it as much as I could) so that if something did happen I would have that money behind me. I would be very honest with him about this as it’s his actions that are making you feel unsecure. I would continue contributing to all other bills

If you split up before marriage and children, I can see how you think you should be entitled to anything. If you hadn’t been contributing to the mortgage you’d have been paying rent, and you’d have nothing to show for that either. Tbh, it does sound grabby if you expect to ‘have something to show for it’ just because your dp got a mortgage before you got together.

Obviously, it all changes if you get married an have children. For now, you’re basically just paying your own rent, which is fine. The more important conversation you need to have is how your dp sees things working if you get pregnant or married.

The way I see it is this, if you weren't living with your DP, you'd have to pay rent regardless and you'd still not get equity. So I definitely think it's fair to contribute to the mortgage even if there's "nothing to show for it". Right now, since you earn similar amounts, your partner is subsidising your living costs whether you see it that way or not.

Your DP is probably worried that he could lose his deposit by putting you on the mortgage. This can be mitigated by drawing up a contract stating that in the event of the house sale, DP gets current equity in house and the rest is split evenly between you.

You would need to pay rent to a home you have no stake in if you split anyway.

What is his plan when you marry?
Does he want to keep the house as his and you get nothing then?

He could ring fence his deposit and divide the rest 50/50 as other have said.

If you ring fenced his deposit, you wouldn't benefit from it.

You're not being grabby. I agree speak to a solicitor.

Thanks all for your replies.

To answer a few questions, if we get married, we share things equally. We have already agreed this so I am not concerned about this.

I have already spoken to DP about the deed of trust idea (with DPs deposit being protected and any payments made up to today protected too) with anything future being split. DP is not happy with this as they think I shouldn't get the benefit of having a mortgage on a house when I did not put in any deposit or any effort into buying the house.

I really am happy to pay some sort of rent but unsure what amount is reasonable?

@strivingtosucceed

The way I see it is this, if you weren't living with your DP, you'd have to pay rent regardless and you'd still not get equity. So I definitely think it's fair to contribute to the mortgage even if there's "nothing to show for it". Right now, since you earn similar amounts, your partner is subsidising your living costs whether you see it that way or not.

Your DP is probably worried that he could lose his deposit by putting you on the mortgage. This can be mitigated by drawing up a contract stating that in the event of the house sale, DP gets current equity in house and the rest is split evenly between you.

The OP could have bought her own place 5 years ago and made 5 years of mortgage repayments.

@GabriellaMontez

If you ring fenced his deposit, you wouldn't benefit from it.

You're not being grabby. I agree speak to a solicitor.

She would if she came out of the relationship with equity/cash that can only exist because he had the deposit in the first place.

@TheFatDuck

Thanks all for your replies.

To answer a few questions, if we get married, we share things equally. We have already agreed this so I am not concerned about this.

I have already spoken to DP about the deed of trust idea (with DPs deposit being protected and any payments made up to today protected too) with anything future being split. DP is not happy with this as they think I shouldn't get the benefit of having a mortgage on a house when I did not put in any deposit or any effort into buying the house.

I really am happy to pay some sort of rent but unsure what amount is reasonable?

He sounds like a gem. Make sure you have excellent contraception.

Why not just get married then? 5 years is plenty of time to decide if you want to.

He doesn’t sound like he’s ready for “what’s mine is yours” etc but if marriage is imminently on the cards for both of you then save yourself the cost of legal advice and paperwork that’ll be redundant when you get married.

If you’re happy to pay rent, look at how much it would cost to rent a comparable property, and then pay half that amount.

Are you engaged?

Do you have a date set? Or just talked loosely about the future?

The OP could have bought her own place 5 years ago and made 5 years of mortgage repayments.

Could she? She was a very low earner 5 years ago and doesn’t mention substantial savings for her own deposit.

You pay 50% of bills and 50% of the interest on the mortgage but no “repayment” on the mortgage.

You put the “repayment” amount in a savings account and if/when you get married then you use those savings to pay off a chunk of the mortgage on your now joint house. If/when you split up then you have the savings to buy your own home.

He sounds like a knob.

Your idea to ring fence the deposit and mortgage payments to date is very fair. The fact that he doesn''t want you to benefit at all would have me running for the hills.

What happens if you have kids? He'll be moaning about supporting you financially.

During maternity leave etc

Pre-marriage my DP at the time didn't contribute toward the mortgage on my house. We did as you did and split bills proportionate to our salaries. I paid the mortgage alone. He would pay for holidays and some other extras to even things out. We both understood that in the event of a split he had no claim on the house.
Once we got married the arrangement changed because he then had a right to the proceeds of the house if we split up so I expected him to contribute accordingly, and for the things he had previously paid for to be split.

If you are going to be contributing to his mortgage then you should be on the deeds if you're not married (which I think means you need a joint mortgage but I don't know). If he is worried about the money he has paid already then he should ringfence his deposit and the amount he has paid down so far. If he starts being weird about it, assuming you are being fair, that is a big red flag and you should stop contributing toward the mortgage and have a serious think about the future of your relationship.

You have to talk about this, financial differences can destroy relationships, so it's important to know if you're on the same page before committing further.