To expect all GC to be treated the same?

[MM321]

Very long one.
DHs mum and dad split when he and his sister were 14 and 17. Dad remarried a few years later - his wife has 3 kids (all late teens when they got married and their own dad is physically and financially involved in their lives). Dads wife worked for 2 years part time after they got married but then decided that working life “wasn’t for her” as her husband had a good job and financially they weren’t reliant on her working. She moved into his mortgage free home with her kids when they got together.

DHs dad is a very laid back guy. Let’s her get on with things and manage the money etc - she has full access to all income. He checks in once in a while with my DH and his sister but it’s not unusual for us not to hear from them for a good few weeks at a time. He’s the type that takes a week to return a phonecall. The wife deals with all birthdays/Christmas etc.

Since DH and I got together 11 years ago I can count at least 7-8 times where DH hasn’t even received a birthday card from them, or DH and I have dropped off their Christmas presents to be told “I haven’t finished the wrapping yet- I’ll drop yours off when I’m passing”, only for them never to appear. My birthday has never been acknowledged but I have no issue with that. All her kids get very expensive gifts - TVs/designer bags etc. When DHs birthday is acknowledged it’s usually quite a generic gift from TK Maxx - either a toiletry bag/dressing gown/jumper or something.

Anyway, DHs dad and his wife now have multiple GCs through her children. DH and I have also not long had our first baby so they now have a GC through us too. Just to point out at this stage, I do not expect any family to fund our child at all. When each of their GC were born they offered to pay for the pram and bought loads of clothes and bits and pieces - all GC except our child. Again, not an issue for me - had they offered we would have politely declined as we did to all other family that offered big purchases. It annoyed DH that it wasn’t offered though, given that all his stepmums children got it and in his eyes, it’s his dads money as she’s never really worked. When our DC was born they brought him an outfit when they visited for the first time.

After bumping into his step sister and her 3 DC on a walk the other day it came up in conversation that the GPs had bought her kids and her siblings kids each an iPad for Xmas. 5 kids in total - ranging from 1-9years. Our DC was only a few months old at the time so I would never have expected him to receive an iPad - He received a light up toy from TK Maxx - it was £9.99 (DHs stepmum left the price on).

We received a message from them at Easter for our DS wishing him a happy first Easter. It’s always been a (ridiculously lavish IMO) tradition that each of the GCs gets an Easter card with a £50 note in it. All GC did this year except our DS (her kids all posted thanks in the family WhatsApp group).

DH had a conversation with his Dad the other day over the phone - general chit chat and catch up. DH mentioned that he’d been spending a bit of time getting out affairs in order now that we have our DS - making sure life insurance was up to date, and adding DS to our Wills etc. His Dad advised that that was sensible and it’s always good to keep ontop of these things etc - and mentioned how he had done the same a few years back. Instead of DH and his sister inheriting his dads estate, it will now be split equally 5 ways to DH, sis and each of dads wife’s children.

Its really starting to get to DH. He was always a bit annoyed that his birthday wasn’t bothered with or that his step siblings seemed to get treated very differently to him but now that our DS is being treated differently to the other GC he’s pretty furious. The whole 5 way split on the inheritance is also annoying him given that stepmum has never contributed to the house, actively chose not to work and just live off his dads income, and that her kids have a close relationship with their own dad and were all grown up when his dad came into their lives. It’s not as if he played the dad role in their upbringing.

DH wants to bring it up to them that he won’t be having our DS treated differently his step siblings kids. Personally, I think we should just leave it and avoid the drama. How would you deal with this situation?

I am an only dc.. My dc are df's only dgc
. He won big money. The dc didn't even get a bag of sweets.
Same as you op - when df/fil needs his arse wiped it won't be us doing it..

The Estate is a seperate issue, and it’s fair at this point to consider it a shared asset and to be split among all 5 of you - although I would diplomatically ask what happens if the father dies first as it’s possible it goes to step mum and then she leaves it all to her 3 kids.

Is it possible that step mother considers it her job to look after the gifts for her children / grandchildren and her husbands to look after his children / grandchildren? If I were your husband, I would bring it up when I saw my father in person, alone (not when stepmother is there as she could get defensive, and not over the phone as you can’t read the other person as well).

I think your DH needs to decide how close he is to his dad. If it was my dad I would feel I could say something about my child being treated differently. If he can't face it then he isn't close enough to his dad, that's his dad's fault and to his dad's shame. Your DH shouldn't feel bad but he should adjust his expectations accordingly and make sure your DC is brought up with those expectations.

As for the inheritance I believe you should always let that go. No inheritance is your entitlement. You should never let an inheritance issue prevent you from having a real life relationship with a real life person imo.

Speak to fil, very clearly state he either ensures all granchildren are treated fairly or you go nc. This has nothing to do with mobey, forget the will, write it off and assume you will be written out. Your fil has shown his lack of care for your husband and your husband has suffered, don't let him do the same to your child. I say him because he not the wife is related to your husband. Trust mr, as a child it's no fun not understanding why you aren't good enough for grandparents, don't put your chikd through that. Do explain to fil first and give hime the benefit of the doubt.

@Frankie4me definitely not the case - stepmum considers her job to be taking care of the house and anything to do with the family while her husband brings in the income. She just treats her own children very differently to his. His dad is completely useless when it comes to these things - hes the type to not even remember when his kids birthdays are now that they’re grown up and stepmum is always nagging at him for it.

Completely agree that the inheritance should be let go @Feelingconfused2020 - nobody is entitled to anything as far as I’m concerned. DH however feels that stepmum is taking advantage of his dads (very) easygoing nature to make sure her kids will be well taken care of.

I don’t know but you hear so many times on here about wife work and only sorting out your side of the family and leaving dh’s too it and if his family get nothing then so be it.

Maybe this is similar and step mums opening post would be: I’m fed up of buying all the gifts for my family as well as my dh’s. I have a big family...

I agree with the pp who suggested DH have a chat with his DF specifically about the GC being treated differently which is very unfair IMO.

I think you are putting a lot of blame on the step mum here. If DH’s DF is happy for her to not have worked then that’s his business. It’s nothing to do with him how his Father’s money gets split in the will.

Agree a conversation with how he’s feeling about GC needs to happen though.

Should add, I’m not saying it’s right, but I’m not sure it all lies with the stepmum.

these things always create problems, I was the primary carer while working full-time for both parents and my 4 brothers did nothing to help me, 2 didn't work. After my parents passed within 6 months of each other they all came looking for their inheritance, happy to say there was no money left as I had made sure they spent it on themselves to make the last few years of their lives the best they had. Best of all I got to spend that time with them and none of my siblings have that. i guess i'm saying fix the relationship, have honest conversations and forget about the potential windfall

@EachDubh Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d never let it get to a stage where DS was old enough to understand that he was treated differently! I just thought we should wait a while and see how things pan out over the next year or 2. Benefit of the doubt - covid, we’re not getting to spend any time with them, they barely know DS, he’s only months old at the moment. If he was to get to 2/3 and still was being treated differently then I’d be bringing it up.

Also just to comment on the fact that you don’t see them often. Is this their choice or are they kept at arms length, I think your relationship with them matters. Do you treat them as equals in the child’s life.

You have an attitude towards his second wife (all that stuff about her deciding working wasn’t for her and moving into his mortgage free home, which is very snarky and none of your business).

You also seem to be keeping close tabs on what is being bought for whom.

Basically, you think she’s a gold-digger.

I doubt this has escaped your FIL’s notice.

@Freddiefox I know it’s hard to know without knowing the stepmum personally but I can honestly say that’s definitely NOT the situation. DH doesn’t have a very close relationship with his step siblings. There’s no tension, they were just all older when the families merged and were all off doing their own thing - every now and then we see them at his dads house, we buy gifts for their DCs at bdays/Xmas etc, keep in touch with each other’s lives on social media etc...but we don’t regularly meet up with them. They’re all lovely though! I have a feeling it’s more the case that his Dad is so easy going that he doesn’t know who’s getting what and stepmum doesn’t think anyone would ever find out that some were receiving more as we don’t regularly mix.
They’re definitely not kept at arms length 😊 I meant we haven’t seen them much since having DS at the end of last year, due to covid - they met him when he was born and visited a couple of times socially distanced after that 😊 they’ve seen him as much as DHs mum and my parents have so definitely treated as equal.

Playing devil's advocate, is it possible your DC is treated differently because he's still a baby?

If the £50 easter money is to buy something nice, maybe he will start to get it when he is a bit older and can pick something out?

@HeddaGarbled I honestly didn’t mean it to come across that way 😊 if she decided not to work and DHs dad was fine with that then that’s their business!! Their set-up is not one that I would personally feel comfortable with but it’s absolutely nothing to do with me at all! I was only pointing out that the home was mortgage free to show their financial position.
The only reason I know what’s been bought is because her DCs regularly flaunt things on social media. I haven’t actively gone looking. And the iPad issue came up as we bumped into his stepsister and her kids on a walk and the only way she’d managed to get one of them out the door was to allow them to bring the iPad on the walk. She was cursing the GPS for having bought them for the kids for Xmas.
We have a really easy going relationship with his dad and his stepmum 😊 DH has just always commented on how differently they’re all treated - but they’re all grown ups and he never really bothered with the situation - and it’s only really become an issue now that it appears to be moving on to the GCs too 😊

@DyeHard That’s my initial thought. They also don’t know him yet due to covid - they’ve only met him a few times. I feel we should wait and see what happens over the next couple of years. If it’s still apparent that they are being treated very differently then I would cautiously raise the issue as I wouldnt want DS feeling that the other GC were favoured over him. Although, if I’m honest, as long as they are as physically present in his life as they are in the other GCs lives (when covid allows of course) then that’s enough for me! I’d really rather they weren’t gifting him iPads and the likes for Christmas 😅 but DH firmly believed that this issue needs to be nipped in the bud now and they should all be treated the same financially too.

Thinking more the same way, Dad's wife may have her own income you don't know about which means she can treat "her" GC. It could be an inheritance, assets or investments from before she met the Dad.

@ChronicallyCurious completely agree with you. It’s not a lifestyle that I would be comfortable with myself but if he’s happy for her not to work then that’s 100% their business. DH can’t get his head around it. When it’s come up in conversation in the past with his dad and DH has asked about her not working his dad usually replies along the lines of “she says she worked enough before her and I got together so she deserves to relax - you’ll soon learn Son - happy wife happy life”. His dad is very easy going (almost to a fault) and not at all confrontational. I think DH does feel like his dads good nature is being taken advantage of and that his dad would actually like her to be working.

@DyeHard Definitely not the case with her having another income - unless his dad doesn’t know about it either. She rented before moving in with him and had only worked PT since the kids were small.

That's on his dad though. It's obvious the step mum will do more for her kids.

I could have written this exact post. My stepmum has never worked in the 20 years she's been with my dad and her GC get the world while my children get fuck all. They even forgot my middle childs first bday but her GC get hundreds spent on them for birthdays and christmas. I've given up now and distanced myself from them. I'm lucky my mum and stepdad are fantastic grandparents and adore my children so they aren't missing out on anything.

This is totally sexist. Why does DH think of his dads income as only belonging to his dad, when you say that they split things so that his dad goes to work and stepmom contibrutes in other ways? If that's the case, fair enough that she spends their family money on her kids.

It's also not step mums fault that is shit at buying gifts and remembering birthdays etc. She is looking after her own family which seems fair enough. Why should she be criticised for not doing all the wife work?

Unless she is being controlling, it's not the stepmums fault that he can't be bothered to sort out gifts for his side of the family.

My husband forgets to buy for his brother and nephew all the time. I buy for my family and could easily imagine this causing upset if they all knew.

But he is an adult I'm not going to keep reminding him. That's not my job.

Well, the inheritance thing is weird - your FIL has supported his wife all this time as sole wage earner but if he dies his estate is split 5 ways between the DC? Doesn’t sound right - he’ll have left something to his wife, surely?

I would let your DH bring it up. Whilst you can counsel him not to rock the boat, if it’s a genuine oversight on his dad’s part and he’s a nice guy who is laidback and won’t take offence, then it would be daft for your DH to stew on it.

But if it will cause drama and fallout and be misconstrued (like it would with my FIL, from bitter experience) then your DH needs to weigh up if it’s worth risking for a £50 note here and there etc.

I absolutely think your DH is in the right a d should be able to discuss this. But - as you’ve seen on this thread - it’s hard to do without looking grabby and judgemental.