To expect all GC to be treated the same?

[MM321]

Very long one.
DHs mum and dad split when he and his sister were 14 and 17. Dad remarried a few years later - his wife has 3 kids (all late teens when they got married and their own dad is physically and financially involved in their lives). Dads wife worked for 2 years part time after they got married but then decided that working life “wasn’t for her” as her husband had a good job and financially they weren’t reliant on her working. She moved into his mortgage free home with her kids when they got together.

DHs dad is a very laid back guy. Let’s her get on with things and manage the money etc - she has full access to all income. He checks in once in a while with my DH and his sister but it’s not unusual for us not to hear from them for a good few weeks at a time. He’s the type that takes a week to return a phonecall. The wife deals with all birthdays/Christmas etc.

Since DH and I got together 11 years ago I can count at least 7-8 times where DH hasn’t even received a birthday card from them, or DH and I have dropped off their Christmas presents to be told “I haven’t finished the wrapping yet- I’ll drop yours off when I’m passing”, only for them never to appear. My birthday has never been acknowledged but I have no issue with that. All her kids get very expensive gifts - TVs/designer bags etc. When DHs birthday is acknowledged it’s usually quite a generic gift from TK Maxx - either a toiletry bag/dressing gown/jumper or something.

Anyway, DHs dad and his wife now have multiple GCs through her children. DH and I have also not long had our first baby so they now have a GC through us too. Just to point out at this stage, I do not expect any family to fund our child at all. When each of their GC were born they offered to pay for the pram and bought loads of clothes and bits and pieces - all GC except our child. Again, not an issue for me - had they offered we would have politely declined as we did to all other family that offered big purchases. It annoyed DH that it wasn’t offered though, given that all his stepmums children got it and in his eyes, it’s his dads money as she’s never really worked. When our DC was born they brought him an outfit when they visited for the first time.

After bumping into his step sister and her 3 DC on a walk the other day it came up in conversation that the GPs had bought her kids and her siblings kids each an iPad for Xmas. 5 kids in total - ranging from 1-9years. Our DC was only a few months old at the time so I would never have expected him to receive an iPad - He received a light up toy from TK Maxx - it was £9.99 (DHs stepmum left the price on).

We received a message from them at Easter for our DS wishing him a happy first Easter. It’s always been a (ridiculously lavish IMO) tradition that each of the GCs gets an Easter card with a £50 note in it. All GC did this year except our DS (her kids all posted thanks in the family WhatsApp group).

DH had a conversation with his Dad the other day over the phone - general chit chat and catch up. DH mentioned that he’d been spending a bit of time getting out affairs in order now that we have our DS - making sure life insurance was up to date, and adding DS to our Wills etc. His Dad advised that that was sensible and it’s always good to keep ontop of these things etc - and mentioned how he had done the same a few years back. Instead of DH and his sister inheriting his dads estate, it will now be split equally 5 ways to DH, sis and each of dads wife’s children.

Its really starting to get to DH. He was always a bit annoyed that his birthday wasn’t bothered with or that his step siblings seemed to get treated very differently to him but now that our DS is being treated differently to the other GC he’s pretty furious. The whole 5 way split on the inheritance is also annoying him given that stepmum has never contributed to the house, actively chose not to work and just live off his dads income, and that her kids have a close relationship with their own dad and were all grown up when his dad came into their lives. It’s not as if he played the dad role in their upbringing.

DH wants to bring it up to them that he won’t be having our DS treated differently his step siblings kids. Personally, I think we should just leave it and avoid the drama. How would you deal with this situation?

The ins and outs of inheritance and spending aside, seeing your own child treated less well than other gc is never nice. Why not make sure to put a pic of your DC with their present on the family WhatsApp - saying thank you for the toy, they love it etc of course, but it’s a record for you and everyone else of the difference in treatment.

I agree with pp about it possibly being due to the age of the dc. An iPad would not be appropriate and I can’t think of an appropriate present for a baby with a similar price tag. Also the £50 for Easter. It possible that these gifts weren’t given t other GC at that age so kicking up a fuss could backfire. As for estate- I think it is very narrow sighted to suggest she didn’t contribute to household. If she takes on all of the administration, mental load, social engagement etc. Then I would suggest she does contribute to the household and if she were paid by her husband by the hour would indeed have quite a sum. Again I wouldn’t pursue that Avenue. What you could do is open a child ISA and ask that if anyone is struggling for thoughts of what to give GC on any birthday, Easter and Christmas this can be used and money will be used for a car/house/year out or something when the child is older. This may help stepmom in mental load of getting a baby presents and allow things to equal out.

Some ridiculous replies here as usual. If missing the point was a science, PhD s would be handed out on Mumsnet every day of the week.

There is lots wrong here OP and I'm not surprised your husband is upset. This is a complicated situation. I have read the thread and these are my thoughts (might ramble a bit).

It seems that the key people here work very hard for their money; you, DH, fil, mil. What about SIL? I assume then that paying your own way is something you consider a bare minimum of normal life? I certainly do. Perhaps (whether you are aware of it or not) you and DH are unknowingly judgmental of SM's life choices and FIL's acceptance of them. I would be too. Why shouldn't she work would be my first reaction. I would find it hard to relate to someone with an attitude that they have worked enough while their spouse (in his 60s I assume) works harder than ever, travelling more and more.

All this hard work means DH sees his father less which he doesn't like. Meanwhile step siblings see plenty of their mother and are enjoying a comfortable lifestyle now.

Your husband thought DC would bring that extra layer to their relationship but instead his child is not getting the same attention from GF he perceives the others getting through gifts and general celebration.

He also sees his father not getting respected at the weddings he paid for.

It's ok for SMs children to be treated by their mother differently as they are her kids but now FIL is treating all kids (step or bio) the same when it comes to the inheritance.

Honestly I really think the problem is not about money, it's about your DH never getting the relationship he craves with his dad. Does he try hard to impress him with work successes? I don't think this is going to change. You say his dad is easygoing. I say he is oblivious to what the people around him need. He is probably the same with his wife, despite being kind and generous. I doubt he has formed close bonds with the GC on her side either.

People here can say that he is entitled and money grabbing but I don't think so. It's having a father who doesn't prioritise him above people he didn't even raise.

I understand his upset. I don't know how he could tackle it. Is there any chance the FIL struggled with how to best divide the inheritance and this was his way of telling his son? After all he could have left it to his wife who then could have left it to her children only? So in a way this is protecting DH.

I actually know a family in identical circumstances but I see it from the other side; they are the children of the SM who married a wealthy man and is now supported financially when she was struggling before. Believe me they have their problems too, usually around the guilt of their own father unable to provide.

What is your relationship like with the SM? The presents issue is quite simple; FIL is useless at this and has been with everyone, he has no idea what is bought for any of the GC. If you get on well with her could you maybe ask her to give her husband a nudge, explain you don't want your child to feel left out when he's old enough to notice.

Your DH should ask his dad what his reasoning was around the Will. He might have reasons DH didn't consider.

I don't envy you though, it's hurtful for sure.

Sorry I just wanted to add to the above that the FIL and SM could well have picked up on your judgment around their lifestyle and choose to not discuss things of this nature with your husband. Because it is none of your business whether she works or not.

@Sillysandy Thank you for understanding exactly what I was trying to say 😅 you’ve hit the nail on the head with it all. Yes, DH followed his dad into the same industry and has worked hard to get where he is so I suppose he does try and impress his dad in that way.
His dad is completely oblivious. He’s a “get up and get on with it” kind of guy, never really complains about much and I don’t think he realises that his adult DC would still want to spend lots of time in his company. Their grown with their own interests in his opinion. I think he feels that once you’re up and out of the family house his role is done, until GC come along. He absolutely dotes on the GC on his wife’s side and seems them completely as his own GC so I think the inheritance is more about providing for them...and why shouldn’t he? I’m hoping once he has the opportunity to spend time bonding with out DS and they develop a relationship like he has with the other GC that DH will let things go. Covid hasn’t helped with all this.
SIL also works hard, as does her husband. No children through choice - happy to be auntie and uncle but no interest in having their own.
Relationship with SM is good. So yes, I could talk to her about anything that needed discussed 😊

Your DHs father is shit with presents. You've written paragraph after paragraph and thats really the only sentence that matters
Presumably the step mum thinks its his job to buy his own DC presents? Which it is.

If your DHs mum is in her 60s, presumably the step mum is as well? I would probably call a woman in their 60s who doesn't work retired? I don't think your Dh can really get annoyed shes not working

Its his father life, his money and his choice. Its completely up to him who he leaves his money too, and its completely up to him if he wants to support his wife and work hard. The house is mortgage free so I'm not sure where this he has to work incredibly hard to support them is coming from. But your DH needs to butt his nose out of his fathers life choices tbh, I'd be incredibly irritated if my adult son felt he had a say in how I spent my money or how much I worked

@DIshedUp Yes, she’s now 60. She stopped working in her mid 40s.

The 'working to maintain Mil lifestyle' says it all - why would anyone who can obviously pick up the vibes you and your husband give off even think about sending anybof you gifts?

Perhaps your FIl works to maintain HIS lifestyle? Perhaps your DH doesn't see as much of his farther as he kikes as your DH is a grabby judgmental arse who needs to frankly keep his opinions to himself.

But if she's now 60 she's hardly going to start work now is she? So your DHs judgemental shite about wishing she worked so he could see his father more is irrelevant

I'm sure they made that decision because it was best for them at the time. Plenty of couples make the decision for one to stop work early. Maybe she was very unhappy in work, maybe your FIL fancied having a housewife. Theres nothing wrong with it if it works for them.

You are both clearly very judgemental of this women and FILs life choices, no matter how you nicely you phrase it it doesn't change the substance of your post.

It just sounds like you think MIL turned around and said ‘I’m going to quit work’ and FIL went oh okay.

They’re a married couple, obviously things will have been discussed in more detail than that. If I could afford to give up work then I most certainly would. Maybe she has health problems you don’t know about, maybe FIL wanted her to be at home. You don’t know the ins and outs of other peoples lives. The fact that your DH even questioned that is mind blowing.

I would blame the DFil for being useless and handing over his whole life to a new wife without bothering to check how his first family are being treated. I would bring up about the lack of gifts. They may be apologetic and treat you more fairly in future. I would also speak to the Dad alone to mention about splitting any inheritance fairly as I know of at least 2 families who changed the wills after the death of one partner to write step children out of it.

P.s. this is Mumsnet so making any angle on an inheritance is very grabby and you should be grateful to receive an old tea pot or whatever has been left to you.

MM321 As you think your DH's sister is treated the same as him, I think it would be worth them having a conversation about how they feel.

I disagree with the assumptions that the less generous presents for your DH are about SM not wanting to do 'wife work' buying presents. The only couples I know who make divide out present buying are those in which both partners do paid work. It seems much more likely to me that a man who works abroad with limited internet access would be much more likely to give money.

MM321 I do feel for you being in a situation which your DH feels is unfair when you are trying to maintain relationships. It's hard to be dispassionate in circumstances where your DH feels he is treated differently.