To expect all GC to be treated the same?

[MM321]

Very long one.
DHs mum and dad split when he and his sister were 14 and 17. Dad remarried a few years later - his wife has 3 kids (all late teens when they got married and their own dad is physically and financially involved in their lives). Dads wife worked for 2 years part time after they got married but then decided that working life “wasn’t for her” as her husband had a good job and financially they weren’t reliant on her working. She moved into his mortgage free home with her kids when they got together.

DHs dad is a very laid back guy. Let’s her get on with things and manage the money etc - she has full access to all income. He checks in once in a while with my DH and his sister but it’s not unusual for us not to hear from them for a good few weeks at a time. He’s the type that takes a week to return a phonecall. The wife deals with all birthdays/Christmas etc.

Since DH and I got together 11 years ago I can count at least 7-8 times where DH hasn’t even received a birthday card from them, or DH and I have dropped off their Christmas presents to be told “I haven’t finished the wrapping yet- I’ll drop yours off when I’m passing”, only for them never to appear. My birthday has never been acknowledged but I have no issue with that. All her kids get very expensive gifts - TVs/designer bags etc. When DHs birthday is acknowledged it’s usually quite a generic gift from TK Maxx - either a toiletry bag/dressing gown/jumper or something.

Anyway, DHs dad and his wife now have multiple GCs through her children. DH and I have also not long had our first baby so they now have a GC through us too. Just to point out at this stage, I do not expect any family to fund our child at all. When each of their GC were born they offered to pay for the pram and bought loads of clothes and bits and pieces - all GC except our child. Again, not an issue for me - had they offered we would have politely declined as we did to all other family that offered big purchases. It annoyed DH that it wasn’t offered though, given that all his stepmums children got it and in his eyes, it’s his dads money as she’s never really worked. When our DC was born they brought him an outfit when they visited for the first time.

After bumping into his step sister and her 3 DC on a walk the other day it came up in conversation that the GPs had bought her kids and her siblings kids each an iPad for Xmas. 5 kids in total - ranging from 1-9years. Our DC was only a few months old at the time so I would never have expected him to receive an iPad - He received a light up toy from TK Maxx - it was £9.99 (DHs stepmum left the price on).

We received a message from them at Easter for our DS wishing him a happy first Easter. It’s always been a (ridiculously lavish IMO) tradition that each of the GCs gets an Easter card with a £50 note in it. All GC did this year except our DS (her kids all posted thanks in the family WhatsApp group).

DH had a conversation with his Dad the other day over the phone - general chit chat and catch up. DH mentioned that he’d been spending a bit of time getting out affairs in order now that we have our DS - making sure life insurance was up to date, and adding DS to our Wills etc. His Dad advised that that was sensible and it’s always good to keep ontop of these things etc - and mentioned how he had done the same a few years back. Instead of DH and his sister inheriting his dads estate, it will now be split equally 5 ways to DH, sis and each of dads wife’s children.

Its really starting to get to DH. He was always a bit annoyed that his birthday wasn’t bothered with or that his step siblings seemed to get treated very differently to him but now that our DS is being treated differently to the other GC he’s pretty furious. The whole 5 way split on the inheritance is also annoying him given that stepmum has never contributed to the house, actively chose not to work and just live off his dads income, and that her kids have a close relationship with their own dad and were all grown up when his dad came into their lives. It’s not as if he played the dad role in their upbringing.

DH wants to bring it up to them that he won’t be having our DS treated differently his step siblings kids. Personally, I think we should just leave it and avoid the drama. How would you deal with this situation?

It's quite obvious that the step mum is behind all the expensive presents, money etc. It's not surprising that any assets/ inheritance will be split amongst all.
Personally I wouldn't get too involved and would just generally keep my distance. It's their money to do with as they please. You don't need a life of resentment and misery op.

Also, to add . She will never treat your dc as her own gdc. It sounds as though fil is just simply going along with his wife's doings for a simple uncomplicated life .

[quote MM321]@HeddaGarbled I honestly didn’t mean it to come across that way 😊 if she decided not to work and DHs dad was fine with that then that’s their business!! Their set-up is not one that I would personally feel comfortable with but it’s absolutely nothing to do with me at all! I was only pointing out that the home was mortgage free to show their financial position.
The only reason I know what’s been bought is because her DCs regularly flaunt things on social media. I haven’t actively gone looking. And the iPad issue came up as we bumped into his stepsister and her kids on a walk and the only way she’d managed to get one of them out the door was to allow them to bring the iPad on the walk. She was cursing the GPS for having bought them for the kids for Xmas.
We have a really easy going relationship with his dad and his stepmum 😊 DH has just always commented on how differently they’re all treated - but they’re all grown ups and he never really bothered with the situation - and it’s only really become an issue now that it appears to be moving on to the GCs too 😊[/quote]
Honestly didn’t mean it to come across that way

Oh do me a favour! Your entire first paragraph was setting up the back story of her being a good digging, good for nothing, bone idle evil stepmother.

Then you go into throw in a few holier than though notes about yourself, declining presents and being delighted with the £9.99 gift, all whilst simultaneously complaining that it is not enough.

Anyway my thoughts on the inheritance, your FIL sees his assets as being jointly owned with his wife, which, funnily enough they are. Therefore splitting between the combined children seems reasonable, but if your FIL wanted your husband to benefit more then that is for him to sort.

Equally with presents, it is for your FIL to sort presents for his side of the family or at the very least ensure it is done if that is how they choose to split the workload.

It seems that maybe your DH should take some things up with his father. But instead the post is mainly about the wicked stepmom.

*gold digging not “good digging” 🙄

Agree with April, you and your DH clearly don’t like his stepmother and respect her, and resent the lifestyle that she and her husband have agreed upon for themselves,

Separately, women on here are always, always told to let the ‘wife work’ of gifts for his side of the family to their husbands, and if one of the family raise it as an issue they’re advised to give a tinkly laugh and quizzically ask why are you saying it to me instead of him. Don’t blame her for the lack of gifts he has given.

that was meant to be ‘clearly don’t like his stepmother, and resent^ her’

@Aprilx Sorry if that’s how you see it. It’s really not how I feel so I’ve obviously worded things badly if that’s how it comes across. I was purely giving a description of their set up. If she chooses not to work and he is happy to support her then that is absolutely none of our business in my opinion.

I wasn’t trying to be “holier than though”. I was asking for honest opinions, and I’ve got them. I have a pretty complicated relationship with family and money so I don’t always think my position on these things is “the norm” - hense me asking for opinions. I myself grew up in a house with parents who had a VERY unhealthy relationship with each other and there were furious arguments everyday which were always about money - and there was lots of both emotional and financial controlling between my parents and towards us children and lots of sneakiness with finances. Due to this, I now prefer not to accept financial help from any family - and in my mind that also includes large gifts etc. Money complicates relationships IMO. Inheritance is a thing that still baffles me a bit. From my side of the family there will be no inheritance. My parents rent, have low income and have no life insurance policies at all. Which is absolutely fine and is their choice.

I do take on board everyone’s comments about FIL dealing with his side of the family. FIL works away from home for a couple of months at a time (should have included that in my OP 🙄) so my understanding of their situation is that she deals with those things because he’s not always here to - but maybe that’s not a role she’s actually happy doing!

I also agree about the inheritance. It’s nobody’s “right”. DHs normal stance on these things is for older people to significantly downsize and spend their money enjoying retirement rather than leaving it to other people. He’s actively encouraging his mum to do this just now (she’s on her own in a fully paid off 5 bed house and still working at 60 and longing for retirement when she could be enjoying that a bit earlier). His dad doesn’t want to do that and wants to keep working. I think he feels like as SM has chosen not to work that his dads assets from before marriage shouldn’t be her right. So in DHs mind, his dads life insurance policy (which is substantial), and assets like cars etc should be for his stepmum but the house which his dad owned outright before he met SM should stay with dads side of the family - be that soley him and his sister or split with his dads brothers and their children who they are also very close to.
I’d personally prefer DH not to rock the boat. I haven’t been brought up with good family relationships and I want my DC to be close with all GPs so I’d rather these things were just left as they are but I guess it’s up to DH how he wants to deal with his side of the family 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not clear how your DH's sister is treated. What sort of presents does she get? If she has children, do they get iPads or something that cost £9.99? This would make a difference in terms of whether your DH and his sister should say something together or if he is actually the only one affected.

So in DHs mind, his dads life insurance policy (which is substantial), and assets like cars etc should be for his stepmum but the house which his dad owned outright before he met SM should stay with dads side of the family - be that soley him and his sister or split with his dads brothers and their children who they are also very close to

Your DH isn’t a very nice sort, is he, with this sense of entitlement about his father’s assets, and voicing his opinion about what he thinks his father should do with his assets. It’s entirely up to his father what way he bequeaths his assets, your DH’s entitlement is precisely zero and he’d do well to understand and accept that, rather than be pontificating about it now like a vulture circling while his father is still alive and in good health.
People’s greediness around other people’s money and inheritances really disgusts me.

“FIL works away from home for a couple of months at a time (should have included that in my OP 🙄) so my understanding of their situation is that she deals with those things because he’s not always here to - but maybe that’s not a role she’s actually happy doing!”

Unless he doesn’t have access to the internet and a credit card when he is away this is no excuse.

* The whole 5 way split on the inheritance is also annoying him given that stepmum has never contributed to the house, actively chose not to work and just live off his dads income, and that her kids have a close relationship with their own dad and were all grown up when his dad came into their lives. It’s not as if he played the dad role in their upbringing.*

^The stepmom has done very well for herself hasn’t she. Nasty piece of work.

@nettie434 Sister has no children (has no intention of having any) and is treated the same and DH as far as I know.

@sammylady37 I think I did say in another post that DH does have a bit of a problem with their lifestyle (maybe I didn’t, I can’t remember) and has raised it with his dad in the past. His SM is actually a really pleasant person. Before covid we always actively arranged to spend time with her alone while FIL was away with work etc. DH has an issue with their lifestyle but not with her as a person as far an I know maybe I’m wrong on that though!! From my point of view, it’s not a lifestyle that I’d feel comfortable with due to my own upbringing as I explained in my post to @Aprilx but I don’t think it’s any of our business how they choose to arrange finances between themselves. Every couple does what works for them, DH and I included.

Honestly, who died your DH think he is? He ‘has a problem’ with their lifestyle and has spoken to his dad about it? It seems the problem he has is that he’s worried he won’t get what he perceives is his rightful inheritance. He’s probably worried his stepmother is spending his inheritance too. He’s a piece of work!

*who does...

If she’s sending cash through the post, have you considered the possibility that it went astray? This has happened to me. Ask her/him.

@Thatwentbadly he actually does work away in a country where internet is much more tightly controlled than here and works on an oil field where he is not allowed smart phones and the likes so while he’s away his internet access is not non-existent but us definitely very limited. He could be more organised and arrange things between trips though. As you say though, not an excuse if his wife doesn’t want to take on the role of gift buyer etc for his family - I hadn’t thought of the fact that she genuinely might not want to take on that role. Maybe it’s an issue between them that we don’t know about.

It sounds shitty but It probably won’t change so I wouldn’t waste precious time giving it any more thought as you will just get yourself angrier and angrier and nothing good can come of that.

Dad is so easy going that he doesn’t know who’s getting what and stepmum doesn’t think anyone would ever find out that some were receiving more as we don’t regularly mix
This doesn't tally with the 'I think she's a nice person' as it makes her sound calculating.
Anyway, I'm going against the usual MN line of thought to say that I think inheritance is important - going back generations, my family has always kept the value of their home intact to leave to the next generation but I accept that they've been able to do this without any financial hardship. We've been brought up to believe that if you own the roof over your head then you'll be OK and want this for our children as well and it sounds as though your MIL thinks the same (I expect to get flamed for this but I'm not bothered). As for the card and gift buying, it's down to your husband and his father to sort it out and if you interfere any fallout will be your fault.

You sound obsessed with money and comparing yourself to others OP. I completely agree with this, you're transparent.

"Oh do me a favour! Your entire first paragraph was setting up the back story of her being a good digging, good for nothing, bone idle evil stepmother.

Then you go into throw in a few holier than though notes about yourself, declining presents and being delighted with the £9.99 gift, all whilst simultaneously complaining that it is not enough."

"My parents rent, have low income and have no life insurance policies at all. Which is absolutely fine and is their choice."

They don't need life insurance. They rent . Why would it not be "absolutely fine"?

"I think he feels like as SM has chosen not to work that his dads assets from before marriage shouldn’t be her right."

She didn't need to work, she still doesn't get turfed out onto the streets when her husband dies. Your DH sounds as grabby and entitled as you do.

"DH does have a bit of a problem with their lifestyle (maybe I didn’t, I can’t remember) and has raised it with his dad in the past. His SM is actually a really pleasant person."

Your DH sounds very unpleasant

Why did your DH think he has a right to 'ask her about not working'? His 'normal stance' on how people should spend thier own money is just fucking weird - you live your own life and downsize if you want to - what his dad does and how he lives is frankly none of your DH's buisnesss and one gets the feeling your DH is far to free with expressing his opinion on how other people choose to organise thier lives.

It's upsetting OP, but at the end of the day it's up to DH's dad and step mum how they spend their money. DH has the options of talking to his dad about it and expressing his feelings of hurt, or going no contact if he really wants to make a point. Beyond that, there's not much he can do and it's best not to let the unfairness bother you.

Dad is so easy going that he doesn’t know who’s getting what and stepmum doesn’t think anyone would ever find out that some were receiving more as we don’t regularly mix

Didn’t you also say that you/your DH found out about some of the gifts (was it the Easter £50?) because her children listed thanks in the family WhatsApp group? So she’s not being devious or secretive about it if that’s the case - she would instead be telling them not to put it in the group if she wanted to keep it quiet

@Sportysporty

Why did your DH think he has a right to 'ask her about not working'? His 'normal stance' on how people should spend thier own money is just fucking weird - you live your own life and downsize if you want to - what his dad does and how he lives is frankly none of your DH's buisnesss and one gets the feeling your DH is far to free with expressing his opinion on how other people choose to organise thier lives.

100%. Seems like the DH has opinions on how others should manage their lives to subsidise and facilitate him

I don't believe that you can treat people the same, we are all different and personalities/ experiences and opportunities make up how differences are delivered.

It's not nice that your stepsiblings children got an iPad and whilst yours received a £10 toy from to TK Maxx. However how close is your relationship, how often do you phone, txt, visit, Skype, facetime and check in with the in laws. Often you get out what you put in and simply sharing the same bloodline isn't enough.

My children are favoured by my parents, but I speak to my parents daily, we see them 2-3 times a week. Whereas the other grandchildren have been seen less than five times since Christmas by grandparents. Covid has increased how often my parents speak with my sibling and family who regularly Skype/facetime their other family in Australia.