To expect all GC to be treated the same?

[MM321]

Very long one.
DHs mum and dad split when he and his sister were 14 and 17. Dad remarried a few years later - his wife has 3 kids (all late teens when they got married and their own dad is physically and financially involved in their lives). Dads wife worked for 2 years part time after they got married but then decided that working life “wasn’t for her” as her husband had a good job and financially they weren’t reliant on her working. She moved into his mortgage free home with her kids when they got together.

DHs dad is a very laid back guy. Let’s her get on with things and manage the money etc - she has full access to all income. He checks in once in a while with my DH and his sister but it’s not unusual for us not to hear from them for a good few weeks at a time. He’s the type that takes a week to return a phonecall. The wife deals with all birthdays/Christmas etc.

Since DH and I got together 11 years ago I can count at least 7-8 times where DH hasn’t even received a birthday card from them, or DH and I have dropped off their Christmas presents to be told “I haven’t finished the wrapping yet- I’ll drop yours off when I’m passing”, only for them never to appear. My birthday has never been acknowledged but I have no issue with that. All her kids get very expensive gifts - TVs/designer bags etc. When DHs birthday is acknowledged it’s usually quite a generic gift from TK Maxx - either a toiletry bag/dressing gown/jumper or something.

Anyway, DHs dad and his wife now have multiple GCs through her children. DH and I have also not long had our first baby so they now have a GC through us too. Just to point out at this stage, I do not expect any family to fund our child at all. When each of their GC were born they offered to pay for the pram and bought loads of clothes and bits and pieces - all GC except our child. Again, not an issue for me - had they offered we would have politely declined as we did to all other family that offered big purchases. It annoyed DH that it wasn’t offered though, given that all his stepmums children got it and in his eyes, it’s his dads money as she’s never really worked. When our DC was born they brought him an outfit when they visited for the first time.

After bumping into his step sister and her 3 DC on a walk the other day it came up in conversation that the GPs had bought her kids and her siblings kids each an iPad for Xmas. 5 kids in total - ranging from 1-9years. Our DC was only a few months old at the time so I would never have expected him to receive an iPad - He received a light up toy from TK Maxx - it was £9.99 (DHs stepmum left the price on).

We received a message from them at Easter for our DS wishing him a happy first Easter. It’s always been a (ridiculously lavish IMO) tradition that each of the GCs gets an Easter card with a £50 note in it. All GC did this year except our DS (her kids all posted thanks in the family WhatsApp group).

DH had a conversation with his Dad the other day over the phone - general chit chat and catch up. DH mentioned that he’d been spending a bit of time getting out affairs in order now that we have our DS - making sure life insurance was up to date, and adding DS to our Wills etc. His Dad advised that that was sensible and it’s always good to keep ontop of these things etc - and mentioned how he had done the same a few years back. Instead of DH and his sister inheriting his dads estate, it will now be split equally 5 ways to DH, sis and each of dads wife’s children.

Its really starting to get to DH. He was always a bit annoyed that his birthday wasn’t bothered with or that his step siblings seemed to get treated very differently to him but now that our DS is being treated differently to the other GC he’s pretty furious. The whole 5 way split on the inheritance is also annoying him given that stepmum has never contributed to the house, actively chose not to work and just live off his dads income, and that her kids have a close relationship with their own dad and were all grown up when his dad came into their lives. It’s not as if he played the dad role in their upbringing.

DH wants to bring it up to them that he won’t be having our DS treated differently his step siblings kids. Personally, I think we should just leave it and avoid the drama. How would you deal with this situation?

I think it’s very common when a second family comes along that there are differences in treatment of the children and grandchildren.

I’d just go low contact and then the children are protected and don’t see it. DH could try talking to his dad but I’d just keep a distance personally as he has made his choices and will know the impact of those.

Maybe when it’s all pointed out it’s much more of mine and DHs issue than it is anyone else’s Some of you have raised genuinely good points that I hadn’t thought of. I have already said that I have an unhealthy relationship when it comes to money and family - maybe it’s even more of an issue for me than I realised

DH and I are comfortable financially, as are his sister and step siblings, which is great. His dad has worked increasingly harder to maintain his and MILs lifestyle over the last few years meaning that DH rarely gets to see him in person (DH also works away so they often miss each other when time home doesn’t tie in). He idolises his dad and he has commented on the fact that he’d like him to be around more especially now that we have a DC. Now that I think about it maybe the issue lies more there and him resenting the time he’s losing with his dad. That’s an issue between him and his dad though. DH is usually honestly not one to get involved in finances or comment on others finances (he moved out and has been financially independent since he was 17) and it’s only in the last couple of years since seeing his dad less and less then us having a DC that it’s been brought up as an issue. Maybe he does feel some resentment towards his SM after all. I suppose if she worked too then his dad wouldn’t be away as much etc. That’s nothing to do with DH though. I’ll raise that with him.
The only reason he gets involved with his mums finances is because she’s quite naive (by her own admission) and has left herself very financially vulnerable in the past. She has asked DH to help her with finances. He researched and found her a good local independent financial advisor to help her with some investments etc and she often runs things by DH for advise.

@denverRegina When talking about my own parents not having any life insurance etc I wasn’t meaning for inheritance purposes or anything. My parents have left themselves in such a position that when they go there will not even be money to cover basic funeral expenses. I thought that was pretty unusual but maybe that’s more normal than I thought 😊

@violetbunny

This is totally sexist. Why does DH think of his dads income as only belonging to his dad, when you say that they split things so that his dad goes to work and stepmom contibrutes in other ways? If that's the case, fair enough that she spends their family money on her kids.

It's also not step mums fault that is shit at buying gifts and remembering birthdays etc. She is looking after her own family which seems fair enough. Why should she be criticised for not doing all the wife work?

This was my thought. It’s not the stepmother’s fault her husband is clueless and lazy about buying birthday cards and presents for his own adult child and grandchild.

"DH is usually honestly not one to get involved in finances or comment on others finances"

Yet he's managed to confront his dad over his finances and lifestyle and is "actively encouraging" his mum to change her finances and lifestyle . He is an entitled, opinionated, meddling brat.

"When talking about my own parents not having any life insurance etc I wasn’t meaning for inheritance purposes or anything".

Yes you were. Back pedal all you like but this is what you said,

"Inheritance is a thing that still baffles me a bit. From my side of the family there will be no inheritance. My parents rent, have low income and have no life insurance policies at all. Which is absolutely fine and is their choice."

You've also been getting involved with your grandfathers will. He's told you he's cut your brother out because he doesn't visit or send Christmas cards. You're rubbing your hands in glee because your brother will think (interestingly) that "all GC should be treated the same". Not if you get your way eh? Since you've claimed you'll "go out of your way" to make sure he gets nothing.

So grabby. Both of you.

@Landlubber2019 I completely agree with you there. I have always had an incredibly close relationship with my own GPs on my dads side. It’s now just my GF but I see him or speak to him daily. My sister is close but not quite as close. She’ll check in a couple of times a week. The last time my brother bothered with GF was at GMs funeral 6 years ago. Before that he had seen them once in 3 years. He lives 10 minutes from GF. My GF is really hurt by it.
We speak to DHs family at least weekly. If not more often. Not just them contacting us, we actively contact them and check in at least weekly. They have had much more of a relationship with the other GC so far. The regularly look after the other GC while the parents work. Well, SM does and FIL does when he’s not abroad with work. Our DC on the other hand was born during covid and hasn’t had much opportunity to get to know family yet. Obviously I would expect MIL to have more regular contact and a closer relationship with her own children given that she cares for their kids and sees them much more often 😊

If the stepmum isn’t working and the dad is then I think it’s fairly reasonable for her to be doing more of the wife work such as buying gifts and of course OPs husband is going to be hurt by being treated differently.

I think a lot of these comments are a bit harsh. Any time you get treated as lesser by a parent it hurts and it’s always easier to blame the stepparent rather than to acknowledge that your parent doesn’t care for you as much as they should.

The five way split thing sounds reasonable enough but I could understand ops DH being concerned that the stepmum would write him and his sister out if his dad died first and wanting to discuss with his dad and also mentioning feeling hurt by being treated differently than his step siblings to his dad.

@denverRegina I didn’t say any of that about my GF cutting my brother out of a will not sure if you have my posts confused with someone else’s. I made no mention of my own GPs until after your post so I’m assuming there’s a mix up there. I have no idea what is in my GFs will, and quite honestly, I don’t care. I consider myself very lucky to still have him around to hopefully get to know my own DC when covid allows. Whatever your opinion of me from this post, I have never grown up in a family where there is inheritance or whatever. There have been generations of low income and family that doesn’t get along. I have worked hard to try and break that cycle for my own DCs as it’s not an upbringing that I particularly enjoyed. I do not expect anything financially from anyone. I would, for my own DC, like a close knit family.

I don't know how you seem to think that his Dad can't possibly sort out a gift himself?
This is on him.
I think it's often really easy to scapegoat the step mum when she is new in a family but actually nope this is entirely on him.
He can't be bothered.
Is he even 'checking' what the gifts are and if so he is happy about it not saying anything.
Or he just totally doesn't care doesn't bother.
Again all on him.

The whole 5 way split on the inheritance is also annoying him given that stepmum has never contributed to the house, actively chose not to work and just live off his dads income,

It’s his dad’s choice though. You’re behaving as if inheritance has to be made in strict merit order/for blood children only. That’s not the case. He chose this women to be his wife and life partner. It’s what his dad wants - his estate, his decision.

Would you be okay if, long-term, your own husband didn’t “support” you? If he didn’t leave anything to you in his will and that although you’ve had his child, he wouldn’t allow you to “live off his income?” Ie you need to get back to work immediately and earn the same amount as your husband to be considered worthy? As that’s pretty much what you’re suggesting with regard to the step-mother.

@denverRegina - just to add, as for DH “actively encouraging his mum to change her finances and lifestyle”. She is a lone person in her 60s, still working hard in order to upkeep a older 5 bedroom property which is needing increasing amounts of maintaining. She talks all the time about how she’d love to travel etc because she’s never had the chance. Financially, selling up, downsizing and enjoying a long retirement of travel is 100% manageable for her. DH has simply pointed this out to her - which I think is good advice. Her friends have also encouraged her to do the same. As has her financial advisor.

Why do you think it's the step mums fault rather than your fils for not maintaining a good relationship with HIS children?
Is he someone inept because he has a penis?

I would be upset because your DS is a child. My DGPs treated us all the same.

I would get your DH to tell him straight. It's not about what they get, it's about them all getting the same.

If they cannot do this then your DFIL needs to understand that when looking after him or caring decisions are to be made you and DH will not be doing it.

"Is he someone inept because he has a penis?"

Sounds like it...

@mooonstone I agree with you!! I don’t believe inheritance is anyone’s right! The reason I posted was because DH and I had differing opinions on that part of the situation. His dads estate is his to do what he wants with. Every family deals with finances and income how they see fit, as DH and I do with ours.

Your DH needs to have a conversation with his dad. The resentment will build up otherwise.

He needs just to state he feels like he and his sister get treated differently.
If his DF says I'm just rubbish at buying presents and remembering, then your DH should reply then can you please ask SM to sort out our presents and have the same spent on us as she does to her own children and grandchildren.

The inheritance would wind me up something rotten. Her children could get inheritance from their father. If the FIL died, his children would get less of a share for his step siblings when their own father can leave them money.

Shocking

OP, people are very "inheritance is noones right" until it happens to them.

The biological children of his father are getting less so his non biological children whom he did not bring up can get some inheritance, when they have an active father in their lives who will be potentially leaving inheritance. Shocking.

SM seems controlling.

To be frank OP…I think you should be more worried about yourself rather than your husband’s inheritance or your stepmother.

Your father in law sounds like a kind, reasonable man by wanting to split his inheritance fairly and by ”supporting” his wife in the manner that you’re offended by. He clearly loves his wife.

Whereas your own husband sounds like the polar opposite. If you decide to be a stay at home mum, he’ll think you’re just as worthless like his step-mother. If you ever split up with him, you’re fucked. Let’s be honest - he’ll definitely stitch you up judging by the picture you have painted of him. He holds these morals about women - you can’t change that.

I think you're directing your anger in the wrong place. She is looking after her kids, it's not her responsibility to maintain contact, organise gifts etc for his children. So once you split it up from all being "their" kids, to her and her three kids and him and his two kids. What you're seeing is that those kids have got a good mum, and these kids have got a shit dad.

Like we see a million times on here women getting sick of doing all the "wifework" for their husbands family and everyone tells them to step back and leave their husband to it. That's what she's done. If MIL complains that she doesn't get a mothers day gift then she needs to direct that to her son. Your husband needs to direct his complaints to his dad, not his dad's wife.

Financially, lots of couples agree that one working and the other maintaining the house is a fair split. If he considers her contribution equal to his then he's right to split their assets between both sets of kids. It wouldn't be fair on her kids to get nothing because she was a housewife.

@MrsHastingslikethebattle Their own father lives locally and is actively involved with them and their children. Their mum and dad do not have a good relationship after their divorce. I have absolutely no idea about their fathers finances behind the scenes but on the surface he appears to own a nice property and live a comfortable lifestyle. He has no other DC bar the 3 shared with SM. I would assume that they would share his estate - but i have no idea if that’s actually the case.
I do think the relationship between the step kids parents is important here too. There was a bit of family tension a couple of years back as both stepdaughters decided to get married in the same year and SM insisted that her and FIL would pay for the weddings as she didn’t want her ex husband involved. Again, FILs choice if he was happy to do that. FIL had already told his own daughter he would contribute financially to her wedding and it was a very expensive year. He then told DH that he was quite hurt as he’d financed the weddings and yet was left off the top table etc at both. SM and their own father were included in the wedding parties.

@MrsHastingslikethebattle

Your DH needs to have a conversation with his dad. The resentment will build up otherwise.

He needs just to state he feels like he and his sister get treated differently.
If his DF says I'm just rubbish at buying presents and remembering, then your DH should reply then can you please ask SM to sort out our presents and have the same spent on us as she does to her own children and grandchildren.

The inheritance would wind me up something rotten. Her children could get inheritance from their father. If the FIL died, his children would get less of a share for his step siblings when their own father can leave them money.

Shocking

Crikey. Should he stamp his feet and loudly wail “it’s not faaaaaair!!” like a petulant child whose sibling has been given a bigger slice of cake than him too, because that’s exactly how this approach comes across. Imagine thinking it’s ok to go to his father and demand the exact same amount be spent on presents for everyone. Such entitlement is absolutely shocking and shameful.

@mooonstone Mine and DHs financial set up is absolutely fine thank you. Contrary to how he may sound here, he is beyond generous. I also grew up in a house where there was lots of financial control. No matter how loving a relationship I’m in, I will always make sure that myself and my DC can manage without anyone else.

"I didn’t say any of that about my GF cutting my brother out of a will not sure if you have my posts confused with someone else’s"

Yes you did, very recently on a different inheritance thread. Practically salivating at the thought of you getting something and, your words, "going out of your way" to make sure your brother gets nothing.

You're back pedalling like mad but this is all about entitlement and money and trying to place the blame on other people, such as the "wicked step mother".

@denverRegina Your opinion is your opinion 😊

I can completely understand where you're coming from having been a child of a blended family and treated very differently by my step mother compared to her children.
In my case my Mum died when I was young and my Dad re-married very quickly. Step Mother moved in and brought nothing to the marriage and never worked afterwards. Yet you can guess who got bought the treats, presents etc. Not me!!!! I even got last nights left overs for dinner every day and was a real life Cinderella.
This, and for other reasons, is why I haven't spoken to my Dad in 20 years.
I was never treated as an equal.
Funny that my Dad turned a blind eye to the way I was treated when he himself was cut out of his Dad's will because his stepmother inherited everything and then passed on everything to her children from a previous marriage.
This is why I am currently in the process of having clauses put into my will to save my inheritance for my Daughter in the event I die and my Husband re marries. He's in agreement as he comes from a blended family too where he thinks there will be will issues.
I would ask your DH to speak with his Father about the unfairness in present giving between the Grandchildren. It may be that his Father is oblivious to all this and may not be aware this is happening.
Good luck Op.
Step Mothers who come to a marriage with nothing can be very conniving. Not all, but in my experience

Your DH sounds over invested in their set up and his inheritance.