Ungrateful in-laws

[deardia]

I never learn!!!! My in-laws are super ungrateful all the time!!! Pisses me off. Yet I still throw gifts their way, god only knows why! Because it only stresses me out more than anything.
Dh was going round to his mums to pick something up, I prepared gifts earlier and so told him to take it with him. It's a gift for the whole family, for context the people living in the house are mil, bil, sil, and sil one child. (Bil and sil are brother and sister to each other, so not to be confused with being married to one another)

Anyways it's a gift that you can see would've took a lot of thought, all personalised, one gift is for the whole family and the other is for sil child.

Sil was upstairs so dh didn't see her. Bil and mil was very happy with it all and Bil told dh to tell me he says thank you so much.
My point is why can't he himself say thank you!?? A simple mssg won't take any effort at all.
Sil still hasn't mssgd to acknowledge the gift given to HER child!
Her level of entitlement pisses me off.
If someone gave my child a gift, I would ensure to thank the giver.
Bil does this type of thing all the time and so does sil actually, they don't seem to like me very much and always go out of the way to show they like the other dil so much, on our group chat. Had anyone else sent what I did, they would've by now taken a pic and sent on the group for everyone to see

Anyways Bil sent a funny meme on the group, after dh returned home. No fucking thank you for me?! It's almost like he's done it on purpose just to mssg on the group so I see it and wonder why he hasn't acknowledged what I gave. He doesn't usually send memes or unnecessary stuff on the group.

I just need a kick up my backside to never ever give them anything ever again so I won't need to feel like this!! I always say I won't, and yet time and time again I still do it!!

How do you know it didn't go like this:

Sil: What a lovely gift, I'll text deardia to say thank you

Bil: No need I asked X to pass on our thanks to her

Sil: Great, thanks. Fancy a cuppa?

You do come across as hard work

I have read through the thread. In future, why not wait to give a gift when you can attend ? This way any thanks will be directed to you . Yes out of courtesy I would message the other person but I know loads of people who never thank for gifts if they have opened a gift in front of the person. I get it is frustrating when you put a lot of thought into a present and it isn't appreciated.

Wow, you should like hard work.

It doesn't sound like your in laws are the ungrateful ones. If you have this need to be thanked in person, then go along yourself with the gifts.

They haven't responded how you expected and you're a bit hurt. Just stop giving them random gifts and all will be OK. They're different to you and that's fine.

I think you need relax a bit!

I hate receiving unsolicited and OTT gifts that come with some kind of expectation attached. Thank meeeeee! Compliment meeeee! Love meeeeee!
Despite being personalised they say more about the giver than recipient. Have a think about why you are really sending these gifts because it sounds like all the wrong reasons.

and this is why God invented the John Lewis voucher!

What are the gifts for? Birthdays? Or what?

Gosh op this is petty in the extreme. They said thank you that’s it. This is normal.

How often are you sending gifts and why do you send gifts from you and not both of you?

Honestly I don’t think from what you’ve posted they are the issue. It’s your behaviour. It reads like you’re giving gifts to curry favour and get the thanks to show how great you are, and are fuming when you don’t get the attention you wish.

@Temp023

and this is why God invented the John Lewis voucher!

😆

This really wasn't the post I expected to read when I opened the thread.
You sound really high maintenance, your expectations are unrealistic and your motives don't strike me as selfless.

Wow. Seems to be more to this than meets the eye.

@deardia I agree with you. But mainly, Mumsnet won't. I posted on here a few years ago under another name, asking if IABU for being sad that a friend didn't thank me for the gift I gave her. No thanks at all. I was told by Mumsnet that I was being an idiot (paraphrasing).

I have tried, since then, not to expect thanks for gifts given.....but I always send a text or a little card saying thank you for all the gifts I receive. I think its something we have to let go @deardia. Not everyone does things our way and that doesn't make them bad people. Just different people.

I would find a gift not on my birthday or Xmas a bit ott.

You already thought they were 'super ungrateful', why did you suddenly feel motivated to make up a special gift pack?

Sorry op, but you do sound a little immature. The joy of a gift is in the giving.

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit. Me too - when i opened the thread I expected to see some tale of woe for the in laws from hell, not a rant about feeling under appreciated.

OP you need to seriously examine why you feel the need to give gifts like this. Is it just your family or are you the same with friends ? Sounds like you’re gifting for your own gratification and those around you will likely be aware of it - and if the above rant is anything to go by, it may be affecting your self esteem. Don’t let it define you like this, just stop and give people a chance to like you for who you are, instead of what you give.

Stop sending them gifts. If you don't really get on with them I can't understand why you are sending them gifts in the first place. The gifts obviously mean much more to you then them. Just stop for your own sake. Your causing yourself unnecessary stress.

OP are these gifts handmade?

[quote MiaRoma]**@deardia I agree with you. But mainly, Mumsnet won't. I posted on here a few years ago under another name, asking if IABU for being sad that a friend didn't thank me for the gift I gave her. No thanks at all. I was told by Mumsnet that I was being an idiot (paraphrasing).

I have tried, since then, not to expect thanks for gifts given.....but I always send a text or a little card saying thank you for all the gifts I receive. I think its something we have to let go @deardia. Not everyone does things our way and that doesn't make them bad people. Just different people.[/quote]
That's not the same as the OP though, as she did get a thank you, only not as she wanted.

Not everyone does things our way and that doesn't make them bad people. Just different people

Nah, just normal people. That don't expect to be fawned over for every thing that we do. Love how patronising that is though! Made me laugh.

@deardia I broadly agree with you.

However I think you should think about why their behaviour upsets you so much. If you are actually seeking their approval / validation then you need to stop putting so much importance on what they think of you.

I had a very similar situation with ILs. I stopped bothering and am much happier for it.

Just think of the money you'll save! If they're that ungrateful, they're not worth the headspace.

You’re doing this to yourself. No need to give them a gift if it’s for nothing. If you do give it, don’t expect undying gratitude from them. You give a gift bcos you want to from the goodness of your heart.

Sounds like you do this often? I may be wrong but I can also see how this might be a little strange for them. You’re causing problems where there aren’t any.

You sound like a friend of mine who has severed all contact with her in laws bcos of petty stuff like this. Step away and let your husband deal with presents or just arrange for presents when there is an actual need to give one.

This is why I stopped Dsis from giving gifts to my household. I absolutely can't bear performative obligation presents. Anything that is more about the givers need to be validated is not a gift.

Even though I thanked her it was never quite good enough , there was always something fussy and picky about how I thanked her. I grant you in our case Dsis and I don't speak unless absolutely forced to it was a wierd performative exercise on her part that was equal parts her publicly announcing how thoughtful she was being (there was never any actual real thought) and how terribly stressed she was having to sort yet another gift in her terribly stressful and awful life (but then she claims the same from having to go food shopping and do the most basic tasks ).

Eventually I just stopped it and said cards only and that I would return gifts if she sent them again.

Her need to be validated as some wierd super gift giver did not trump my need not to deal with absolute pointless winging for 2 weeks afterwards.

Give with grace or don't give at all. Find another way to get your validation.

They thanked your DH who took the gift, I don’t see the issue!

It sounds like you feel under appreciated, which isn't nice.
I would think though that they might have felt that the message to thank you was passed via your dh. Also I know if I sent something via dh to his family they would assume it was from both of us and say thanks at the time assuming that thanks to him was as good as thanking me, and I wouldn't be upset about that.

You can't change their responses and you have said this is what they do regularly. The only thing you can change is your reaction.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=LnJwH_PZXnM. I really like this Ted talk, I clicked on it recently by accident, but I think the notion of switching things around is good right ??