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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage dd, who is being unreasonable?

94 replies

Sfuandtired · 08/04/2021 21:55

Dd is 15, works hard at school, makes good choices, a good kid.
However I'm getting annoyed at her constantly leaving mess around the house, dirty clothing, empty wrappers, plates, cups etc. She will tidy these things up when asked but it takes nagging and she's not particularly happy to do so.
She also makes a great deal of fuss when asked to do any kind of 'chore', this is one job a week which literally takes 5 minutes and also says her friends don't have to do jobs. Lastly there's quite a bit of what I would call thoughtlessness towards others in the household, such as eating the whole of an item leaving nothing for anyone else, that sort or thing.
I got a bit fed up tonight and had a bit of a rant, dd's stance is she's getting a really hard time and there are far worse people out there and that she's sick of being told off. Who Is BU?

OP posts:

Motnight · 08/04/2021 22:01

She is! But good luck with getting that through to her! Sounds the norm for teenage girls!

FangsForTheMemory · 08/04/2021 22:02

She is BU, but in mitigation, she's a teenager.

SofiaAmes · 08/04/2021 22:03

I didn't even need to read your post. If there is a teenager (particularly a female one) involved....it's ALWAYS the teenager who is being unreasonable. I am constantly amazed by the excuses that my 18 year old dd comes up with. And by the way, of course ALL her friends are expected to clean up after themselves and each and every one of them will be telling their own parents that they are the only ones expected to do chores and NONE of their friends have to do chores.

Original poster

Sfuandtired · 08/04/2021 22:04

Do you think then that much as this is very annoying it's probably just par for the course with teenagers?

OP posts:

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 08/04/2021 22:07

I asked DS15 to clear his rubbish off a side table four times today. Four. Times. It's totally par for the course.

NellePorter · 08/04/2021 22:10

Sounds exactly like my teen DD! She is extremely studious, well-behaved, brilliant with younger DC, but untidy and messy to the point where it actually makes it harder for me to do laundry, change beds etc. She is thoughtful with regards to food however. We don't ask a lot from her in terms of chores because of the time she spends with younger DC so it's the only ask really, that she keeps her room tidy, so it makes me cross. Also in the kitchen she doesn't tidy up after herself or clean up spills etc.

Ginfilledcats · 08/04/2021 22:16

I'm ashamed to say, sounds like me as a teen - I remember having a fight with my parents about my room being untidy and me not emptying the dishwasher when they'd asked. I couldn't believe the way they were talking to me, and saying they couldn't trust me etc, when there were kids in my school doing drugs, getting arrested or knocked up. And yet they were yelling at me about the dishwasher not being emptied.

But now I look back and whilst I still think it was an over reaction, I probably had been asked a dozen times but was listening to my iPod shuffle and didn't hear them, my parents were probably stressed and knackered from doing everything else for me and were exasperated that I could empty the flaming dishwasher.

God knows what I'll be like when my dd grows up.

Buckle up OP, it will be a bumpy ride but she'll grown out of it x

SquirrelFan · 08/04/2021 22:20

I asked my 16 - year - old to help clear the kitchen after dinner and she sneered, "I don't want to clean up after you people."

LagneyandCasey · 08/04/2021 22:22

If she's generally a good teen and doing well at school I would overlook the odd annoyances. Hide the food that you don't want her hoovering up.

Save the battles for the big stuff.

CoRhona · 08/04/2021 22:23

@Sfuandtired

Do you think then that much as this is very annoying it's probably just par for the course with teenagers?

Yes (sadly)

beginningoftheend · 08/04/2021 22:25

@Sfuandtired

Do you think then that much as this is very annoying it's probably just par for the course with teenagers?

It is par for the course - but doesn't mean you should let her get away with it! Everyone has to do a few chores and try to think.of others.

You do right to keep trying.

ineedtwoweeksoff · 08/04/2021 22:25

My teen has about 6,000 chocolate wrappers in his room and opened a box of my chocolates. He did say sorry when he realised, not sorry enough to clean his room though.

B33Fr33 · 08/04/2021 22:26

Yes. Very familiar very annoying. Keep plugging away that she needs to consider others in the house, that she doesn't want to be treated like a child so needs to act like a grown up. And every other phrase you didn't want to hear yourself say!

feliciabirthgiver · 08/04/2021 22:27

Yep sorry, this is classic teen behaviour, they do come out of it the other side I promise, just pick your battles until then.

Beamur · 08/04/2021 22:31

I think they just don't see it at this age and it's not personal.
My DD isn't too bad but her older sister was exceedingly grubby! I mostly ignored it but she would tidy her room every now and again without too much fuss.
Refusal to do any little thing for anyone else is very tiresome though. Stomped on that attitude hard when it popped up!

belle002 · 08/04/2021 22:33

I think while YANBU, and this is very classic teen behaviours - it’s very important to watch your language when you complain/ask her to do things - you probably do already but no “you’re thoughtless” only “this behaviour is thoughtless”, no “you’re so lazy” but “please pick up xyz because the mess is not enjoyable”. Accusations lead to defensiveness but with calm complaints or even not calm complaints about specific behaviour rather than ever painting them with the “lazy” brush - you’ll come through the teenager side with your relationship intact and positive!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/04/2021 22:36

You've got yourself a perfectly normal (annoying) teenager!

Passthecake30 · 08/04/2021 22:38

My 2 are slightly younger (11&13) but I’ve said if I hear them saying no to me lots of times then I’ll start saying no back. It works, ish. The only thing they did (while I wfh and their dad was out at work) today was empty the dishwasher and the kitchen bin, it took about 3 minutes of actual work and about 100 reminders.

hellywelly3 · 08/04/2021 22:41

Part of being a parent to a teenager. It’s hard when it’s so annoying but just think they really could be doing so much worse, bringing police to the door, drugs etc. You really have to pick your battles

Hankunamatata · 08/04/2021 22:41

Bribery, sorry I mean rewards . Mine have to do xyz chores each day and they get pocket money end of the week. This doesnt happen then no pocket money. Also turning off wifi and blocking phones can have amazing effects. Yep I'm evil.

Fountainsoftea · 08/04/2021 22:42

Ds isn't a teen yet, but he's always been like this. I nag and nag and occasionally lose my shit. Like this week, when I spent my days off decorating his room and scrubbing his carpet, then walked in to find Easter egg box in his floor.

2 fucking days it's been done. 2 days.

Today was a day I lost my shit with him.

Hankunamatata · 08/04/2021 22:42

Oh and the eating everything selfishly - I make them walk to shop to replace items with their own money.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/04/2021 22:43

@Sfuandtired

Do you think then that much as this is very annoying it's probably just par for the course with teenagers?

Yes 🤣 don't you remember being a teenager?

Sunbird24 · 08/04/2021 22:43

@SquirrelFan sounds like you’ve been handed the perfect response for next time yours ask you for anything...

tensmum1964 · 08/04/2021 22:45

@LagneyandCasey

If she's generally a good teen and doing well at school I would overlook the odd annoyances. Hide the food that you don't want her hoovering up.

Save the battles for the big stuff.

Totally agree. She sounds like a good kid. Pick your battles.

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