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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage dd, who is being unreasonable?

94 replies

Sfuandtired · 08/04/2021 21:55

Dd is 15, works hard at school, makes good choices, a good kid.
However I'm getting annoyed at her constantly leaving mess around the house, dirty clothing, empty wrappers, plates, cups etc. She will tidy these things up when asked but it takes nagging and she's not particularly happy to do so.
She also makes a great deal of fuss when asked to do any kind of 'chore', this is one job a week which literally takes 5 minutes and also says her friends don't have to do jobs. Lastly there's quite a bit of what I would call thoughtlessness towards others in the household, such as eating the whole of an item leaving nothing for anyone else, that sort or thing.
I got a bit fed up tonight and had a bit of a rant, dd's stance is she's getting a really hard time and there are far worse people out there and that she's sick of being told off. Who Is BU?

OP posts:
Myneighboursnorlax · 08/04/2021 22:46

I find teenagers respond best when you don’t inconvenience them in any way, which may sound like stating the obvious. But I mean things like instead of saying “can you take your plate to the kitchen?” while they’re sat watching something or talking to friends, wait until they get up to go to the toilet or get a drink and say “oh, while you’re up, can you take that plate to the kitchen on your way past?” You’ll probably still get huffed at, but you’re less likely to have to ask twice, as it’s less of an inconvenience from their perspective.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 08/04/2021 22:47

My teen is like this too. Although she will do things when asked occasionally. even pick all the clothes off the floor rarely.
I pick my battles, she's happy, healthy and doing really well in school, I'm not asking much more than this.

FanSpamTastic · 08/04/2021 22:50

I have 3 teenagers! My kitchen is tidy for about 30 mins after I clean it. I rage - they do not change!

I am starting to get through to eldest by telling her that I am training her for house mates and that no one will want to live with her at uni if she is a slob!

Fountainsoftea · 08/04/2021 22:51

I think it's cos it's just so fucking annoying! You work ridiculous hours, then come home and do the family work.... but it's too much effort for the dc to even pick up their own shit!

And I am a massive hypocrite, cos I drove my mum to despair and I have to work hard to be a tidy adult. But it does drive me mad.

Fountainsoftea · 08/04/2021 22:51

I say the housemate thing too! But it's quite far off when you're 11Grin

Giantrooster · 08/04/2021 22:58

With teens you really have to choose your battles.

When I had to ask (nag) too many times, I ended up taking a bag or a big box, every thing i had to remove ended in them. If they needed something they could sort it through themselves.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/04/2021 23:01

Honestly people your teenagers won't change until they have their own homes they have to keep tidy. Even then, it's not a guarantee. I was a messy fucker until I got my own house at 20 and now I'm very tidy (on the surface, my cupboards and drawers are a different story) I did have a child though which gave me a kick up the arse.

sst1234 · 08/04/2021 23:15

@LagneyandCasey

If she's generally a good teen and doing well at school I would overlook the odd annoyances. Hide the food that you don't want her hoovering up.

Save the battles for the big stuff.

Sound advice
EthelMerman · 08/04/2021 23:22

My niece used to try to refuse to do chores on the basis she’d be doing them for the rest of her life...

We have to ask our DSs several times to do things. Sometimes they’re lovely about it, but other times, the whinging is full on and offensive.

While on school holidays we ask them to do the washing up, but it’s usually only barely dry by the time we get in. We also expect them to put the odd load of washing on and hang it up. Currently trying to get them to replace the missing lightbulb in the bathroom light. It may take a while because they forget, i.e. they have better things to do like playing video games or “revising”.

And apparently, as we’re such atrocious parents, eldest (18) is forced to bring up his younger brother (16) because we just don’t dish out the level of discipline he expects us to. The fact is they’re very different so what works for one, doesn’t necessarily work for the other, but that doesn’t wash with eldest...

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 08/04/2021 23:28

There's a thread running at the moment where a man is basically ignoring his wife and new baby because of the need to do well at work. I wonder if his parents picked their battles?

I'm obviously being snarky, I don't often choose to get into an overt conflict with DS but if you want a human who will do their share in a relationship then some of the grunt work of life has to be included above and beyond 'be happy and do well at school'.

babbaloushka · 08/04/2021 23:28

@Sfuandtired

Do you think then that much as this is very annoying it's probably just par for the course with teenagers?
Definitely, keep pushing her but pick your battles. My eldest was like this until she went to Uni and came back considerate and an ideal house guest- turns out she cared what her uni flatmates thought of her!
Pjsandbaileys · 08/04/2021 23:33

We had an unexpected grandmother visit ( in a bubble before anyone says but we normally go to her) rooms we're tidied to within an inch of their lives! Apparently granny thinks they are all little (all over 13) darlings and they want to keep it that way, teenagers they scare me 😂

Happymum12345 · 08/04/2021 23:33

My dm was an angry mum. I never would have left a mess as a teen, my ds may have and I vowed then as a teen, I would never be that sort of mum. It’s not worth getting upset about. She’s 15, it’s normal. Remind her to tidy up by all means, but do it nicely.

getyourfreakon · 08/04/2021 23:42

I do think it's par for the course with teenagers, but that wouldn't stop me reiterating that if she did as she was asked the first time then you wouldn't have to repeatedly 'nag'. She's not tasked with building the pyramids from scratch. It's just things she needs to get on with or give a second thought to. Respect the people you live with, clean up after yourself. She might not be able to see it clear at 15. But she does need to learn by getting on board.

PenfoldPenny · 08/04/2021 23:47

One chore a week that takes 5 minutes? :D
My dd is the same age and does spends about half an hour every day doing some sort of chore - usually the washing up which is her preference.

BackforGood · 08/04/2021 23:53

On a logical and reasoned basis, of course it isn't ideal behaviour
but
it is a phase the overwhelming majority of teens go through, and I come down on the 'pick your battles' side of things.

Yes, continue to remind her, but no, don't get worked up about it.

If that is the worst your teen does, then you've done some pretty good parenting and you've been lucky enough to have a teen that has responded to that.

Oldbeams · 08/04/2021 23:54

So if this is familiar behaviour at this age - which it seems to be - what's the consensus on here?

  • Do we stop nagging and let them get away it for a quiet life?
  • Keep on nagging to the extent everyone is fed up?
  • A mixture of the two above?

It annoys me because I don't want to be nagging. But nothing gets done without it. And not a lot gets done even then!

Fountainsoftea · 09/04/2021 08:28

I nag. Then I pull him on the tone he uses. If he's really lucky, he gets the:'why are your dad and me working our arses off, just for you to make your room a shit tip? Do you think we like doing this? Etc'

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 09/04/2021 08:47

If she doesn't see the household as a community that she should contribute to, leave her out of anything communal - cooking, not doing her laundry...

slashlover · 09/04/2021 08:54

However I'm getting annoyed at her constantly leaving mess around the house, dirty clothing, empty wrappers, plates, cups etc. She will tidy these things up when asked but it takes nagging and she's not particularly happy to do so.

My mum used to just take whatever it was and dump it on my bed.

Quitelikeacatslife · 09/04/2021 08:57

You've just got to keep on with it they need consequences too, nothing drastic but, if you don't bring your plate down and put it in dishwasher then you will not be allowed food in your room/lounge etc
Also I find it easier to get them to do something when they are motivated like tidy up before you go out. Ignore the eye rolling and huffing as they are doing it (too much to expect joy) and breezily thank them.
You could do a family meeting type thing where you agree to provide WiFi phone pocket money food etc and they agree to certain behaviours, may work

Tinydinosaur · 09/04/2021 09:09

I think it's a mix. Remind her to clean up after herself but don't get hung up on it. It's so infuriating being a good kid that does some tiny things wrong and constantly having your parents on your back when our peers are doing, and pressuring you to do, so much worse.
Do you acknowledge the things she does right?
If you're getting shit off your mum for leaving a crisp wrapper out then you might as well get shit for getting drunk at the park.

vdbfamily · 09/04/2021 09:39

My DD only tissues her room if a friend is coming to stay so been such a mess over lockdown. If a friend is due she will spend all day tidying and hoovering!

vdbfamily · 09/04/2021 09:40

tidy's not tissues

Fembot123 · 09/04/2021 09:41

Sounds like my DD13

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