Teenage dd, who is being unreasonable?

[Sfuandtired]

Dd is 15, works hard at school, makes good choices, a good kid.
However I'm getting annoyed at her constantly leaving mess around the house, dirty clothing, empty wrappers, plates, cups etc. She will tidy these things up when asked but it takes nagging and she's not particularly happy to do so.
She also makes a great deal of fuss when asked to do any kind of 'chore', this is one job a week which literally takes 5 minutes and also says her friends don't have to do jobs. Lastly there's quite a bit of what I would call thoughtlessness towards others in the household, such as eating the whole of an item leaving nothing for anyone else, that sort or thing.
I got a bit fed up tonight and had a bit of a rant, dd's stance is she's getting a really hard time and there are far worse people out there and that she's sick of being told off. Who Is BU?

She is being unreasonable obviously, but that is standard for a teenager. She could be doing a lot worse. Pick your battles and enjoy the fact that for the most part she's a good kid!"

The great thing is they are nearly all the same so that's a bit of a comfort.

Few things that worked here..mine are grown now
When you are going out write a note saying eg be back at 12 please empty dishwasher and clean worktops..thanks! It's like they hated me asking and started an argument to sidetrack me but could cope with a note.
Also if they went upstairs leaving a mess behind l would text in capitals GET DOWN AND CLEAR MESS!!!! and funny enough they would run down and do it but if l shouted up it would start a row.
Thing l had to learn was say nothing then. Just act like like that's a very normal way to live your life.
Finally if you have to drive them anywhere get a few things done in that 5 minutes
So sure l can drop you to Sara ..just bring down your laundry/ pick up the Easter Egg papers etc..l will be all set to go then. All in a normal voice!!!

Going against the grain but YABU.

She ate the whole thing without leaving for others? Buy two. I'm grown up life as an adult you buy whatever good you want and eat it all if you want.

Give her whatever chores for the week and say she can do it whenever but needs done by a certain timeframe.

Don't do her laundry or anything else, leave her up to it. If she wants to have a messy room, so be it. Common areas should be tidied and tell her she's not allowed to eat in common spaces unless she tidies up.

My life now is much nicer than it was as a teen because parents often come up with weird rules and consequences instead of real life ways of living.

You have to teach her how to be considerate, you can’t just ignore her poor attitude and hope she gets better, it’s exhausting but you’ve got to keep upholding standards otherwise selfish teens turn into selfish adults.

If her only defence is the allegation her friends don't have to do jobs, then her argument is lost.

Teens - 14 and 16.
I no longer say anything to them about their own rooms - they are responsible for their own space and if they want to live in a pig sty, that's up to them. I knock before I enter their rooms to give them clean clothes. I ask them to put any dirty laundry in the hamper in my room - if they don't, it doesn't get washed.

Breakfast/lunch/dinner always eaten at the dinner table - they can watch YouTube on their phones (unless it's dinner which we all sit down to and talk about our day). They mostly take their own stuff out after breakfast/lunch, and clear the whole table after dinner.

DH and I have tried to install manners most of all, that being pleasant and respectful to each other goes a long way. It seems to work, mostly (they're good teens, not angels!).

There was an incident a couple of years ago where teen DD left a hot chocolate to fester and she hid it in a cupboard in her room. When she finally fessed up, flies were coming out of it. We had a strong talk about it, but she grossed herself out so much she's been quite fastidious about returning any mugs!

@Mylovelyhorsee

You have to teach her how to be considerate, you can’t just ignore her poor attitude and hope she gets better, it’s exhausting but you’ve got to keep upholding standards otherwise selfish teens turn into selfish adults.

I really agree with this.

I don't ask much, but I expect it done.

Leaving a mess all over the house would not be tolerated.

We have a lovely home and there are 6 people sharing it.

If a couple of them left a mess everywhere it would be most unpleasant.

There are constant threads on here from women with partners that leave a mess everywhere and don't care.
They were teens at one point.

I would not accept this.
I am trying to raise young adults that will be thoughtful furture partners.

Cleaning up after yourself is basic.

Also I have plenty of self respect and am not a skivvy for ANYONE.

I wouldn't hesitate to turn off the wifi if it helped.
Lifts wouldn't happen as would laundry.

Eating all of something is greedy and thoughtless and will continue if you don't call it out firmly as not acceptable.

Kindly, I think most teens will give as much laziness, selfishness and attitude as you are prepared to take.

Conversely if you are kind but very firm in your reasonable expectations I have found they will step up.

Hi @Sfuandtired my 20 and 22 year old still do this leaving plates and wrappers everywhere, they never listen lol!

I decided that I would ignore what state her own bedroom got into after numerous battles about keeping it relatively tidy. However, she had to do her chores and remain relatively civil or else there’d be trouble!
At 15, she had to make sure her dirty washing was in the laundry basket, bring down any pots from her room, hoover downstairs once a week, walk the dog when she got in from school, make sure her shoes, coats, bags etc were not just left downstairs in random places.
In return, she had a mobile phone (my old ones when I upgraded), regular pocket money, lifts to and from friends houses who didn’t live on a bus route (we were semi rural).
We had lots of arguments, she would lose her phone or TV for a week, no spends, no lifts (not all at once!). Once I got so annoyed at the smell coming from her room that I kept asking her to sort out (I suspected pizza boxes etc) and being ignored, that I went in and threw everything on the floor and bed into bin bags then dumped them next to the bins. She was livid with me but at least she sorted it out!
Her house is now very tidy and clean 🤣

Also, as far as the ‘no one else’s mum makes them do X, Y and Z’, my reply was always ‘feel free to move in with them then’ or I’d point out that she was very lucky compared with the children I taught (in a very deprived area) who’s parents didn’t have the money we had to give their children the things we gave her.

Teens love comparing themselves less favourably to others and ignore all the better bits. It’s a rite of passage. I am consoling myself that the lack of consideration my almost 13 yo dd is currently showing is a necessary developmental phase... and like many other phases will pass.... where has my sweet primary school dd gone?

Toddler tantrums: remember them? Can we go back to toddlerhood please?!

Oh I am with you op. I have teens, and they are into competitive eating and can demolish a box of cereal in a day. Wrappers everywhere, turning the house into a war zone within five minutes. Now preparing their own meals, things are even worse! We have everyone in the kitchen trying to make separate dishes all at once. I just want to throw them all out, turn on my radio and enjoy some peace and quiet whilst I prepare things.

I do henpeck my way into submission, because we are a TEAM peoples! A team, and teams work together - I do ten min blitz with everyone helping. We then race to finish as much as we can in that time. With four it is usually enough - just

Nope you don't get to laze in bed, with room service shuttling away empty cups and plates like Romans. Food always eaten at the table, drinks need to come back down not covered in fur or the wifi gets it

Sounds like my teen. She would happily leave an empty crisp packet on the side or on the couch when she has to walk past the bin to go upstairs. If I dare saying anything she gets aggressive and shouty don’t get me started on her bedroom.

I try to stay calm and just keep repeating my request to her. We also hide crisps and any non perishable snacks in the car boot as DD would happily eat six packets of crisps the day they were bought.

I have told the dc that if we end up infested with rats it is on them. To be fair they did look faintly horrified at the prospect. Particularly as I followed up with a few furry pictures of rat infested houses :)

@Myneighboursnorlax

I find teenagers respond best when you don’t inconvenience them in any way, which may sound like stating the obvious. But I mean things like instead of saying “can you take your plate to the kitchen?” while they’re sat watching something or talking to friends, wait until they get up to go to the toilet or get a drink and say “oh, while you’re up, can you take that plate to the kitchen on your way past?” You’ll probably still get huffed at, but you’re less likely to have to ask twice, as it’s less of an inconvenience from their perspective.

Mine started calling me Kanye - as in "Can you just..." when I did this

I use the bin bag method,
Tidy it all up into a bag, keep adding things as you find them each day.
My daughters has her ID in, lots of food wrappers and smelly socks, bras and shoes, I then dump it in her room and shut the door.
She is the only one who uses the smoothy maker, so that;s all in a box with a lid along with the cups she promised to clean, I put it in the utilities room, and she will scream when she sees it, it can go in the bin for all I care.
This happens once every two months, till she cracks...
Oh and someone on here told me this.
When I get told off for the wrong food, drink ect. I now say.
"Thank you for telling me that, I will make sure I never do it again!"
I stop buying any of it.

Unfortunately that sounds very typical of teen DDs. Mine is exactly the same

www.google.com/search?q=rat+infested+home&safe=active&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjTmpC_s_HvAhVUTcAKHUBJDgIQ_AUoAXoECAEQAw&biw=1728&bih=733#imgrc=GrWZQHzQaXKXVM&imgdii=xDF7Ajq8Y-7nYM

Sorry wrong link, this one worked for mine:

www.alamy.com/stock-photo-actress-hannah-elman-23-from-buckinghamshire-sleeps-in-a-bed-covered-106961701.html

Next time she asks you to do something, like drive her somewhere, deploy her tactics. Ignore first request. Delay. Complain it's not fair. Shrug, sulky looks. Muttering under your breath. Don't stop what you're doing.

My advice - don't run around cleaning up after her. Leave her room to be a cesspit, but don't let her get away with trashing communal areas. Never put her stuff in the dishwasher or bin - always call her back to do it herself, and stand over her while she does it. It really really annoys them and it's much more hassle than doing it yourself, but it does work in the end.

@cooperage

My advice - don't run around cleaning up after her. Leave her room to be a cesspit, but don't let her get away with trashing communal areas. Never put her stuff in the dishwasher or bin - always call her back to do it herself, and stand over her while she does it. It really really annoys them and it's much more hassle than doing it yourself, but it does work in the end.

I do this too - I will call them downstairs repeatedly if they need to tidy up their mess/plates/stuff. We are all responsible for our own stuff in our house - I am nobody’s skivvy.

However, I do insist that their rooms are clean. And they have to strip/make their own beds.

Write a list of what jobs you need done. EVERYTHING. Big and small jobs eg move rubbish off table. Empty bedroom bin. Empty bathroom bin. Empty dishwasher.put milk back in fridge. Etc. I normally would have about 25 ish on the list. They (and you?) pick any job they want. Easy ones always go first 😂 once every job off the list is done they are free 🤷‍♀️ Failing that I used to turn the internet off at the wall until it was done. Or take their phone. I pay the bill so technically it is my phone
that I let them use 😉

When my messy DD finally left home and moved into her own home she was very put out that one of her moving in presents was a beautifully wrapped box of cleaning items, j cloths , dusters, polish, toilet cleaner, washing up liquid, spray cleaner , bleach, floor cleaner etc etc - the box was stuffed. I thought it was both a useful and thoughtful gift.

She still mentions it.

Yanbu, OP. It sounds really annoying, but in your shoes, I would not make a big deal about it.

My 15yo is not like that fwiw. Her bedroom is a bit of a tip sometimes, but she definitely pulls her weight around the house and is generally very willing, respectful and considerate towards others. She tells me that one reason why we have a better relationship than many of her peers do with their parents is that I'm quite laid back about stuff and not constantly "on her case". Many of her friends perceive that their parents are constantly criticising them for stuff that the kids perceive to be trivial, and this drives a bit of a wedge between them. Especially when the kids might be struggling with stuff that seems huge to them - body image, friendship issues, exam stress etc - and all mum seems to care about is a dirty cup or a forgotten chocolate wrapper.

In your situation, I would take a bit of a step back. Tolerate as much as you can and cut your dd some slack, because the teenage years can actually be pretty turbulent. It makes a huge difference for them to know that you're on their side, there to help them and not to make their lives more difficult. Pick your battles wisely and don't sweat the small stuff. You might actually find that, by being ultra-reasonable and tolerant, she will feel more supported, will potentially respect you more and hopefully develop a bit more awareness of how her behaviour impacts on others.

I know lots of people will disagree and advocate for a much stricter, zero tolerance approach. All I can say is that kindness, patience and understanding has worked really well for us.