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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage dd, who is being unreasonable?

94 replies

Sfuandtired · 08/04/2021 21:55

Dd is 15, works hard at school, makes good choices, a good kid.
However I'm getting annoyed at her constantly leaving mess around the house, dirty clothing, empty wrappers, plates, cups etc. She will tidy these things up when asked but it takes nagging and she's not particularly happy to do so.
She also makes a great deal of fuss when asked to do any kind of 'chore', this is one job a week which literally takes 5 minutes and also says her friends don't have to do jobs. Lastly there's quite a bit of what I would call thoughtlessness towards others in the household, such as eating the whole of an item leaving nothing for anyone else, that sort or thing.
I got a bit fed up tonight and had a bit of a rant, dd's stance is she's getting a really hard time and there are far worse people out there and that she's sick of being told off. Who Is BU?

OP posts:

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 16:08

Aw OP if she's telling you shes always getting a hard time please listen. My mother was never off my case and it has damaged our relationships as adult.

AlexaShutUp · 09/04/2021 16:31

You have to teach her how to be considerate, you can’t just ignore her poor attitude and hope she gets better, it’s exhausting but you’ve got to keep upholding standards otherwise selfish teens turn into selfish adults.

I agree that you need to teach your kids to be considerate, but I don't think that is often achieved by constant nagging. If they're doing stuff just to get mum to shut the fuck up, they aren't really learning to be considerate, they're just learning that action is sometimes required to keep the irritating parent quiet for a bit.

I think you teach consideration by modeling it. For example, my dd has been responsible for her laundry since she was around 8/9. She knows that she won't have any clean clothes if it isn't done. She doesn't mind putting a load on, but she hates hanging it out to dry. In periods when I know that she is particularly stressed or busy, such as her recent exams, this is the kind of little thing that I'll do for her. I know that she really appreciates all of these little gestures, and she tries to reciprocate as soon as she is feeling a bit less stressed. As I write, she is currently running the Hoover around my bedroom and the rest of the upstairs, after doing it in her room, unasked.

In general, I find that teens are much happier doing things off their own initiative than they are doing things that they have been asked to do. And they are much more responsive when they feel that you understand and respect their stresses and challenges. A little kindness goes a very long way.

beginningoftheend · 09/04/2021 21:01

@slashlover

However I'm getting annoyed at her constantly leaving mess around the house, dirty clothing, empty wrappers, plates, cups etc. She will tidy these things up when asked but it takes nagging and she's not particularly happy to do so.

My mum used to just take whatever it was and dump it on my bed.

I often think a quiet response like this is the best, we occasionally put left behind stuff (like discarded clothes etc) in a bag and tuck it in a cupboard until we get asked 'where is my x/y/z' - this has never caused a major row and saves wasting breath on it.

The thing is you can't ignore this stuff, but neither is it any fun for either side if you go on and on and on.

gingganggooleywotsit · 09/04/2021 21:09

Sounds identical to my daughter. I just calmly ask her to pick up after herself, every time.

bluebluezoo · 09/04/2021 21:12

I didn't even need to read your post. If there is a teenager (particularly a female one) involved....it's ALWAYS the teenager who is being unreasonable

Why are females more unreasonable than male teenagers?

SofiaAmes · 10/04/2021 06:11

The male ones are too dopey to be unreasonable....It's a scientific fact that their executive functioning skills etc. reduce while they are teenagers.

My certified genius ds turned into a certified dope while a teenager. He's slowly transforming into a human now at 20. Still dopey, but there's a little glimmer of hope.

bluebluezoo · 10/04/2021 09:05

So if a male one doesn't do the clearing up it’s because they’re “dopey”, a female is just being unreasonable?

billy1966 · 10/04/2021 13:22

I have exactly the same expectations of my sons as my daughters.

I would not accept for a minute asking a teen of either sex to pick up their wrappers, put cups into the dishwasher, bring down their laundry was unreasonable.

If they think asking them to do basics tasks involving their belongings, means they are getting a hard time and always being got at, I honestly would be very worried about them and their future.

I have never heard my children ever say that to being asked to tidy up THEIR stuff.

Knowing the principle of cleaning up after yourself and taking responsibility for it is a life skill IMO.

I would despair for a teen who felt they were being got at for being asked to pick up THEIR mess.

I would imagine there must be MH issues involved for such drama at such a simple request.

JackieTheFart · 10/04/2021 15:11

You might actually find that, by being ultra-reasonable and tolerant, she will feel more supported, will potentially respect you more and hopefully develop a bit more awareness of how her behaviour impacts on others

That’s all very reasonable, but what makes you think OP isn’t doing all of that already?

Cottagepieandpeas · 10/04/2021 15:13

@SquirrelFan

I asked my 16 - year - old to help clear the kitchen after dinner and she sneered, "I don't want to clean up after you people."

Oh this sounds just like my DD at that age. She is now a delightful adult, I’m pleased to report.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 10/04/2021 15:28

14 year old ds has vacuumed today. Was never asked to. Told me it needed doing lol. Ive been ill last 24 hours! He vacuumed and i mopped all the floors. 12 year old did a quick tidy up. Agree with previous OP about using the 10 mins before leaving house and having a team tidy. Works for us. DD will cook dinner tonight with DH (he does all cooking). I will tidy up afterwards. Has to be a team effort. We both work and they appreciate what they have compared to others. Wifi was turned off once about 5 years ago and never had to do it again. Youngest dd 11 hasnt had phone for a week due to attitude. Shes currently a joy and a pleasure. Feel i have a good relationship with all of them and they don't feel put upon for pulling their weight

paulhollywoodshairgel · 10/04/2021 15:34

My 10 and 7 year olds do chores and tidy up after themselves at mealtimes. You're deffo not bu! I'd withhold tech/pocket money until they pull their weight

AlexaShutUp · 10/04/2021 15:35

That’s all very reasonable, but what makes you think OP isn’t doing all of that already?

The OP states that she has been getting annoyed, talks about nagging her dd to get her to do stuff and then says she had a bit of a rant. Her dd is apparently sick of being told off. Sounds to me like they have slipped into a rather unhealthy dynamic - quite understandably - and they need to find a way of breaking that cycle.

happywarrior1312 · 10/04/2021 15:38

Yup, sounds like a teenager to me!

MM321 · 10/04/2021 15:41

@Sfuandtired Take all the dirty dishes/laundry etc that she leaves lying around and pile them on her bed each day 😊 I started doing that with a flatmate that left stuff everywhere and she got so fed up having to clear it to get into her bed that she stopped leaving things lying around 🤣

sykadelic · 10/04/2021 16:04

She’s BU of course, BUT she is still only young. So you need a plan to keep you both sane.

You could give her specific dishes (I.e. yellow, black etc) so that she knows which are hers. You won’t wash them. It’s her job to take care of them/make sure they’re washed and ready for meals.

You could tell her that if her clothes are left around you will put them in X basket and they won’t get washed.

Empty wrappers, if the items are something she specifically eats you could treat them as a “payment” of sorts where if you pick up the wrapper from said item you will reduce the amount of that particular snack she gets.

Eating the whole of an item... she is still growing and may not think about that sort of thing. I’m sure you also eat the whole of an item but b/c you know it’s there and have a plan for it you don’t think about whether you eat the whole of an item or not. You could separate shelves in the fridge, or give her a mini-fridge in her room to keep her items. You could also have her ask before she eats something BUT that would get tedious!

If you give her an allowance you could have her earn it, or you could deduct from it for certain items. That could get exhausting though and she may feel unfair because “she wasn’t given a warning”.

You could instead make one particular day, or time of the day, her turn to run around and make sure anything is picked-up, put away etc etc.

I know my in-laws were constantly blaming little sister in law for items left around the house. When she moved out there were STILL items left around the house. The other adults just assumed it was her until she wasn’t there to blame! There’s a chance something similar is happening so separate dishes is something I’ve considered myself. My husband is DREADFUL about collecting them at his desk.

murbblurb · 10/04/2021 16:21

she is, of course. What a selfish little skank. My parents would have given me hell for that and deservedly so. All teens are mildly brattish but this is just disgusting.

being a teenager is not an excuse. For the sake of her future flatmates, give her verbal hell and start removing privileges (e.g. phone) until she stops being such an entitled brat.

if she's an eco extinction rebellion Friday-truant type, then she's also a hypocrite.

Fembot123 · 10/04/2021 19:03

@murbblurb

she is, of course. What a selfish little skank. My parents would have given me hell for that and deservedly so. All teens are mildly brattish but this is just disgusting.

being a teenager is not an excuse. For the sake of her future flatmates, give her verbal hell and start removing privileges (e.g. phone) until she stops being such an entitled brat.

if she's an eco extinction rebellion Friday-truant type, then she's also a hypocrite.

I’m guessing by this that you are no older than 13 yourself 🙄 bless you.

felulageller · 10/04/2021 19:12

Pick your battles.

Leave her room to her.

If there's food you don't want her to take label it.

But try to focus on her positives and not get into nag mode unnecessarily.

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