AIBU to ask how not to feel totally out of place?

[Lifesagreatbalancingact]

Hello!

Been invited to a posh party in the summer (think printed invitations on card so thick you could wedge a door open with it).

It’s at the childhood home of a university friend who I love but who is the personification of what I imagine the royals are like. I’ve never met her parents (the invite implies her mother is the host - it says ‘Mrs XXX...). There will be other people I know there.

It’s black tie - this just means nice dress yes? What do I take? For rsvp, there’s an address - am I meant to send my acceptance via post?

I suppose the Aibu is ‘aibu to think I’ll feel totally out of place and how do I counter this?’

Yes, you rsvp by post and black tie means evening gown.

I believe you can buy invitation acceptance cards to post (just incase you’ve run out of your personal monogrammed stationery).

Sounds exciting, OP! Yes, evening gown and if you bring a male guest he should be in a tux

You've been invited to the party, so it means they want to see you. You aren't any better or worse than anyone else there, and i imagine that it will be a very eye-opening experience! Will you know anyone else going apart from your uni friend? Just wear a nice dress, smile and say hello to everyone, and have fun.

I would take a bottle of nice wine, maybe some chocolates. Black tie usually means a short evening dress, LBD if you own one, something you'd wear to a nice evening party. BUT i would ring your friend and ask her what she is going to wear. Enjoy yourself, i miss going to nice parties.

You don't have to go

Remember money doesn't buy class. Just do a bit of research on Black Tie, evening dress/tux is the typical wear, there are also rules for the host on what counts as Black Tie. I'm sure you'll be fine.

I wouldn't take anything but I'd send flowers and a thank you for the day after. Your dress should be no shorter than knee length.

A handwritten acceptance letter is absolutely fine. On decent white letter writing paper and addressed to the host. Keep it brief - thank you for the invitation. I am delighted to accept and look forward to meeting you.
Black tie for women usually means long and fabric to match - silk, lace, velvet ornate.
However, if it involves a garden and marquee and/or held during daylight hours start with the shoes and work up! Just above the ankle but keep to the lux fabric. Cocktail length only works if you're very young and famine and very polished which rules out more sensible shoes. Think posh wedding guest. Hair, make-up, jewellery.
Check with your friend if in doubt.
How glamorous, especially after the past 12 months.

Send a thank you letter/ card immediately afterwards.
Gamine but famine would get you there.
You absolutely should go!

Do you actually want to go? It doesn’t really sound like it (and I don’t blame you - it sounds like my idea of hell).

Thank you so much for all your replies! I do very much want to go - she’s a fabulous friend who’s eccentric tendencies I adore (I’d never seen an ‘at Home’ invitation before and had to google what it was!). The comment about the monogrammed stationary made me laugh, alas I seem to have misplaced mine! I shall set about writing an RSVP, how soon is too soon to reply?

Check with your friend what version of black tie it is. Ask what they’re wearing. Traditional black tie mans long evening gown and tuxes, but modern black tie can sometimes mean posh cocktail dress.

I shall set about writing an RSVP, how soon is too soon to reply?

As long as you have received the formal invitation, it is never too early to rsvp.

People are people are people. There are upper class arses just as there are working class arses. But most people are lovely. Just go and have a great time!

Also agree of clarification of the black tie thing - the last ball I was at (not that I go to many) there was a real mix of floor length ballgowns, cocktail dresses and spangly "party" dresses.

it is good to reply straight away. you can reply on a posh postcard (e.g. art picture from a gallery sent in an envelope) if you don't have fancy writing paper at home.

Don’t worry about fitting in. Remember you know other people who are going/likely to be there. Maybe there’s another friend you could get in contact with and go together?

They are just people. And if it’s a big do there will be a variety of characters like at any other event.

But I’m sure many of us would all love to help you with dress ideas if you let us know what colours you like and style comforts etc

@funnylittlefloozie

You've been invited to the party, so it means they want to see you. You aren't any better or worse than anyone else there, and i imagine that it will be a very eye-opening experience! Will you know anyone else going apart from your uni friend? Just wear a nice dress, smile and say hello to everyone, and have fun.

I would take a bottle of nice wine, maybe some chocolates. Black tie usually means a short evening dress, LBD if you own one, something you'd wear to a nice evening party. BUT i would ring your friend and ask her what she is going to wear. Enjoy yourself, i miss going to nice parties.

This isn’t great advice. Black tie generally means long rather than short and it would be a bit odd to turn up to a formal event with a bottle of wine. Thank you and flowers next day is more appropriate.

No, black tie means short. White tie means long.

Noone will ever say you are gauche for turning up with wine. If the family is quite eccentric, the dress code wont be set in stone. i imagine people will be turning up in all sorts. Look nice and feel comfortable, is my advice.

“No, black tie means short. White tie means long.”

What if OP has a lovely midi dress she was hoping to wear?

www.debretts.com/expertise/etiquette/dress-codes/black-tie/

Found a link

Oh god i'd love this!

Go, have fun, and if ever feeling stuck for what to say remember ALL people like to talk about themselves so ask lots of polite questions. And listen carefully to the answers!

To be perfectly honest ime most upper crust people are very good at chit chat and are usually at pains to put strangers at ease in social gatherings. It must be on the public school curriculum

Personally I wouldn’t go for an LBD unless it was a cocktail dress. You can wear a short cocktail dress or and evening gown long or midi.

I wouldn’t bring a bottle of wine. If they have sent these kind of invitations then it suggests a large catered event. You could always send flowers and a thank you card after the event.

But if I’m doubt, I’m sure you can ask your friend. It’s her family do so she will know how these things will be received.

Black tie does not mean short. Black tie is cocktail to long (below knee to above ankle).

White tie is floor length.

I thought white tie was ballgown and long gloves

Thank you for all your lovely replies! I have posted a rsvp accepting and am looking on eBay for dresses. It’s lovely to have something to look forward to, and I hope you all are also able to gather with your family and friends soon (although perhaps in more relaxed circumstances that don’t have a dress code!)