AIBU to ask how not to feel totally out of place?

[Lifesagreatbalancingact]

Hello!

Been invited to a posh party in the summer (think printed invitations on card so thick you could wedge a door open with it).

It’s at the childhood home of a university friend who I love but who is the personification of what I imagine the royals are like. I’ve never met her parents (the invite implies her mother is the host - it says ‘Mrs XXX...). There will be other people I know there.

It’s black tie - this just means nice dress yes? What do I take? For rsvp, there’s an address - am I meant to send my acceptance via post?

I suppose the Aibu is ‘aibu to think I’ll feel totally out of place and how do I counter this?’

I'm cringing under my duvet at the idea of OP turning up in a minidress, possibly with a second hand paperback or box of dog treats. Would people stop giving the OP terrible advice! It does matter what she wears, because there is a dress code and she wants to stick to it, which is why she's asked for help.

Get yourself a nice evening dress OP, don't take anything with you, have your hair done in a simple up do. Someone has said make sure you have nice nails - yes but a simple polish in a nude or matt shade. Don't spend a load of money going to the nail salon and come out with massive fluorescent acrylics with diamanté's stuck on 😬

@GreenSlide

I'm cringing under my duvet at the idea of OP turning up in a minidress, possibly with a second hand paperback or box of dog treats. Would people stop giving the OP terrible advice! It does matter what she wears, because there is a dress code and she wants to stick to it, which is why she's asked for help.

Get yourself a nice evening dress OP, don't take anything with you, have your hair done in a simple up do. Someone has said make sure you have nice nails - yes but a simple polish in a nude or matt shade. Don't spend a load of money going to the nail salon and come out with massive fluorescent acrylics with diamanté's stuck on 😬

You're very rude....assuming OP would go off and get a manicure like that. The only cringe-worthy thing on this thread is all the people desperate to prove themselves 'in the know'.

PS to my last post.

Yes of course you send a hand written note thanking them for the invitation and saying you will be delighted to attend (I assume you will be - I would!).

I must admit, that I don't adhere to strict dress codes for any so called posh do's. I just wear a dress that I am happy to wear.and feel good in.and many a time at some posh do, I have totally put the wrong shoes on, that don't match the dress. etc.

I am from a, er, humble background, shall we say, and ended up marrying a doctor. He's also from a similar background to me, but due to his job we've ended up meeting a lot of people who are posh AF. As someone mentioned up thread, some of them are lovely and some of them are dicks, just like in any other walk of life.

I've been to events like this before and I always feel so out of place, but you'll probably find that most people there are lovely. If anyone tries to make you feel shit then more fool them. They aren't better than you.

Unsurprisingly, the Debretts link is spot on. Follow the advice there, @Lifesagreatbalancingact!

@funnylittlefloozie

No, black tie means short. White tie means long.

Noone will ever say you are gauche for turning up with wine. If the family is quite eccentric, the dress code wont be set in stone. i imagine people will be turning up in all sorts. Look nice and feel comfortable, is my advice.

Erm no, black tie dies not mean short. It generally means long, although I would not be floor length if it is a daytime do. Bringing a bottle of wine, or chocolates as per your earlier post, would be inappropriate for this kind of do.

@GreenSlide

I'm cringing under my duvet at the idea of OP turning up in a minidress, possibly with a second hand paperback or box of dog treats. Would people stop giving the OP terrible advice! It does matter what she wears, because there is a dress code and she wants to stick to it, which is why she's asked for help.

Get yourself a nice evening dress OP, don't take anything with you, have your hair done in a simple up do. Someone has said make sure you have nice nails - yes but a simple polish in a nude or matt shade. Don't spend a load of money going to the nail salon and come out with massive fluorescent acrylics with diamanté's stuck on 😬

Ha. That is the worst advice ever. It feels terribly suburban.
Don’t turn up done to perfection like the dogs dinner - it would be like Thatcher at Balmoral. If it’s a private part, starting before 8pm , full evening wear is not appropriate and may be OTT. Nobody would turn a hair at a pretty cocktail dress at 9pm. Lots would exchange glances at a ballgown appearing before the moon. Understate don’t overstate.

The paperback would not be secondhand, obviously. Duh. It would be a copy of one you were recommending on a subject of mutual interest. If they were Francophiles, it might be The elegance of the hedgehog or similar. If they sail, you might pick Sea Wolf. It’s about showing thoughtfulness - which some dyed chrysanthemums from a garage fail to do. Spectacularly fail.

Cringing too. Stick to the rules when it comes to Black tie, it's really not the time for some wanky expression of your personality.

Choose a summary colour though op, I would avoid black in the summer personally. Wedge heels are a good idea for drinks on the lawn. Pashmina for warmth and a clutch.
Book a blow dry and natural make up as evenings in the summer are much lighter, usually until 10pm.

Have fun!

I go to numerous “black tie” events. There’s always a wide range outfits. In recent years full, ankle length skirts with tailored cropped tops have been very popular but there’s still plenty of LBDs in between long gowns. It’s so variable and provided you don’t wear a ball gown or gardening slacks and a polo neck, no one will give a hoot. (I mention the latter because that’s exactly what my granny would have worn to a formal event in her latter years and she was terribly posh )

Don’t take a gift, but if you must not wine or flowers. Something small in a gift bag so it’s easily tucked away: candles, hand soaps or as someone mentioned a book and quite commonplace gifts in my experience.

OP I’ve assumed this is an evening event?

Lots of posters seem to be assuming it is an afternoon garden party (wedges, tea dress, summer florals). If this is correct then the dress code is different but if it’s evening black tie none of the aforementioned should be worn.

@PegasusReturns

OP I’ve assumed this is an evening event?

Lots of posters seem to be assuming it is an afternoon garden party (wedges, tea dress, summer florals). If this is correct then the dress code is different but if it’s evening black tie none of the aforementioned should be worn.

Yes, that's a fair point. I was assuming an evening event and wondering about the tea dress suggestions.

Tbh I wouldn't even check what others are wearing I'd wear a cocktail dress if it's summer. As long as you look like you made an effort I doubt anyone will care - I've done this when attending black tie I'll wear what I think is acceptable and it's tough if it isn't lol rather than blowing money on a floor length gown I'll most certainly never wear again.

At least you'll probably get use out of a cocktail one

I think go and be yourself and you will have a fabulous time. Usually it means a cocktail knee/length dress for women.

I had a similar invite a few years ago from a friend it was a winter invite and I wore a knee length velvety sort of shift dress. The friend who invited me went shopping with me and my dress certainly wasn’t expensive. I had stressed out about what to wear but when I got there the actual styles of dress worn were quite mixed ranging from full length floaty, full length formal and some above the knee. Maybe speak to your friend then go and have a blast.

Yes can you confirm the time op?

Anyti

People: black tie does not require a long gown for women.

@LaurieFairyCake

You don't turn up to a formal black tie event with a gift (if you must then definitely not a liquid - no wine/liquer - possibly a candle or a flowers - but I just wouldn't - you have enough to do with your hands on arrival)

It's always flowers and a thank you note afterwards

Exactly.

It would be extremely gauche to show up with a gift, OP. Send thanks afterward including flowers if you wish.

Bloody hell OP I think you should stop reading this now 🤣 no one seems to know the proper etiquette of a black tie even at all.

I’m glad everyone is as confused as I am! It’s an evening event - invite says ‘7.30 for 8’ and then dinner and dancing. Apologies I didn’t realise black tie could be anything other than an evening event!

I doubt it will be at breakfast time:-).

Don't wear a formal, long evening dress but something short or calf length will be fine, just make sure it is pretty and smart. Your partner wears a tux with bow tie.

As already said, you do not take a gift but have something delivered to them afterwards and write a nice thank you note.

I hope you have a wonderful time; no doubt there will be others there whom you know.

I loved anything like that, unfortunately my world has become smaller and such events do not crop up. The last time I got dressed up (not any type of evening dress), was for a funeral!

This thread

My parents (and then, my in laws) are part of the black tie 'circuit.' I've attended dozens of them as an older teenager and adult over the years. My in laws often give charity black tie events. I've attended old school, formal ones because of my work, and family/friends black tie.

There are some odd replies on this thread, and posters keen to stick the boot into other posters for not 'getting it right.' I'm not keen on all that, so I'm not joining in with it.

OP, if you want to feel comfortable in a fitting-in sense (I'm being guided by your thread title here), wear a formal but simple-ish dress, not short, dark in colour, not too tight and not revealing cleavage/slashed to the thigh. Not acres of spangles (although some do a little sparkle). No ball gowns. No one cares about arms btw, so sleeve or no sleeve, up to you.

As it's a black tie hosted at home, I've seen plenty of people bring a small gift, but that tends to be from people who know the hosts pretty well. A card afterwards is perfect.

For the record, people break 'the rules' all time and no one really bats an eyelid. My MiL can be a bit of stickler, but even she wouldn't dream of 'raising an eyebrow' at someone for committing some sin such as bringing a bottle of Champagne or something. I remember a new girlfriend of a BiL coming along to her first black tie hiding behind a vast bunch of tropical flowers and carrying a really strong French cheese . It was lovely. Another BiL forgot his tux and wore a work suit.

Debretts is hardly wrong on these things, but it's 2021, we're a year into a worldwide pandemic and people tend to be civilized and warm at these things. If they're not, it's because they have fallen short, and not you.

Have a lovely time, OP!

Blimey, that was longer than I intended - I probably should have edited!

Not to muddy the waters, but we have been to quite a few black tie events and auctions in the summer, starting in the afternoon. Black cocktail dresses would have looked very out of place.

For your evening black tie event, a black dress, modest with a pashmina would probably be perfect. I sometimes wear ivory silk in the summer, and would usually be the only one. Kitten heels are comfortable and good for long periods of standing - be comfortable.

Enjoy op, you will have fun! Report back :)