AIBU to ask how not to feel totally out of place?

[Lifesagreatbalancingact]

Hello!

Been invited to a posh party in the summer (think printed invitations on card so thick you could wedge a door open with it).

It’s at the childhood home of a university friend who I love but who is the personification of what I imagine the royals are like. I’ve never met her parents (the invite implies her mother is the host - it says ‘Mrs XXX...). There will be other people I know there.

It’s black tie - this just means nice dress yes? What do I take? For rsvp, there’s an address - am I meant to send my acceptance via post?

I suppose the Aibu is ‘aibu to think I’ll feel totally out of place and how do I counter this?’

Sounds amazing, its always so nice to have event to get dressed up for! Have an amazing time!

Do NOT wear a LBD to a black tie event. Cocktail dress, ballgown, evening wear are all totally acceptable. Couple it with a throw, shoes to suit where its being held. Men to wear black tux, or a dark suit with a dark tie. White tie tends to be more formal than black tie. White tie for woman would be floor length dresses usually with white elbow gloves. I wouldn't take a bottle of wine either. If its black tie it'll be catered for. As PP said, Flowers next day and a thank you will do

Ah don’t worry — these dress codes vary in their interpretations (as replies on here indicate!) i would ring your friend and ask what kind of outfit she is intending to wear — I guess there will be all sorts on the day! The only thing I would avoid is anything ‘wedding-ey’. Black and white tie are just different levels of posh evening garb — so ‘evening wear’ is the key. I would aim for a hemline between knee and ankle (as opposed to mini or floor sweeping) and enjoy it — pick something that’s ‘you’ and have fun with your accessories.

Sounds fab. I wish a had a royaltyesque mate to invite me to a swish partay.

Quickly change your name so your rsvp is from HRH op!!

For a gift, when in doubt, and so as not to arrive empty handed: a bottle of hotel chocolat salted caramel liqueur in a lovely bag with a satin bow. They will get loads of wine/bubbly/flars/chocolates.

You don't turn up to a formal black tie event with a gift (if you must then definitely not a liquid - no wine/liquer - possibly a candle or a flowers - but I just wouldn't - you have enough to do with your hands on arrival)

It's always flowers and a thank you note afterwards

Sounds like an arse ache and best avoided. Just look at all stipulations about attending this event already being spelt out in this thread. Light the naice scented candle, crack open the Stella and stay at home. You know it make sense

It sounds amazing! I'll go if you don't!!

Don't take a bottle of wine!

Look, OP, it’s just people. Wearing something other than the jogging bottoms half of them will have been wearing for the last twelve months.

You’ve replied. Wear a nice dress. Or this is the kind of thing I wear a tux to, especially if it’s likely to be in, or spill out into, a garden.

I think a few are overthinking.
Yes reply in writing, unless an email address or phone number is given. Your usual correspondence card will do. Not a great long letter. Simply “Dear Mrs Smith, thank you for your kind invitation to your party. I am very much looking forward to meeting you again. Kind regards Balancing. “

Black tie will be time dependent.The earlier the start, the higher the hemline. Early evening calls for cocktail dress, not a ball gown. Nobody would mind a pretty little tea dress. You certainly don’t need to bring our the family heirlooms or go over the top. Not gloves. Not over fussed hair. Understated rather than try to hard.

Nobody but the rudest of hosts would turn their noses up at a proffered gift. I’d avoid flowers as they need sorting at the time. Wine can raise a few eyebrows unless it’s very good with personal connection. Empty handed is fine, but something small such as a small box of handmade fudge or a small bottle of a homemade slow gin would be well received. If they have a particular hobby then something associated may be good - nice hand cream for a gardener, a novel you've read recently, a tub of homemade dog treats.

For all the worrying you are doing, I bet you have a wonderful time. It might be black tie but very few will judge you or care if you get it slightly wrong. Enjoy (and definitely do the thank you and flowers afterwards, and don’t take a gift with you).

Go on, I dare you to wear trousers... Or perhaps a jumpsuit?

Flowers the next day would be good. You don’t need to then find your hostess to hand over a present and she doesn’t need to deal it.

Have a lovely time.

Who goes to a black tie party with homemade dog treats?! No gift OP, a thank you after.

If the event will run into the evening then go with a longish dress and clutch bag. Comfortable heels, not too tall which will get very painful after a lot of standing. If you have a floor length dress then smart ballet flats are also great since they're hidden anyway.

ASOS have extremely smart and affordable evening dresses that look a lot more expensive than they actually are. You can't go wrong with single colours and clean fabrics (cotton, jersey, chiffon, subtle lace). Avoid anything over the top like beading, embroidery or crystals. Those types of detailing really give away the quality of a dress and will usually look cheap unless it's really high-end designer.

As a finishing touch, make sure nails are nice as you'll be holding a bag most of the time. No watches unless it's a tiny evening watch (which honestly nobody has). Jewellery is also a must for black tie but doesn't have to be fancy. Just something small to add a bit of sparkle.

I think a gift depends on the size of the party. I would bring something small if it's under 25 people and more intimate. However anything over 50, or even close to a wedding size is basically far too big for anyone to care or notice.

@funnylittlefloozie

No, black tie means short. White tie means long.

Noone will ever say you are gauche for turning up with wine. If the family is quite eccentric, the dress code wont be set in stone. i imagine people will be turning up in all sorts. Look nice and feel comfortable, is my advice.

No. This is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Black tie means long. Mid-calf at a push but absolutely not above the knee.

From Debretts...so can't be argued with.

Women should wear an evening dress or skirt; long, or at least not very short, is usually best. There is a difference between a formal dinner and a dinner dance; avoid wearing voluminous dresses for a dinner because they’re not practical. However very tight ‘red-carpet’ dresses or those with a dramatic split, while stunning when making an entrance, can be uncomfortable or inappropriate at a formal event that involves both a reception and a sit-down dinner.

– If not wearing a long dress, then a cocktail dress – a fitted dress to very slightly below the knee and with a little décolletage – is an option. The fabric should be suited to evening such as silk, crepe or chiffon.

Send her a quick text to say cheers for the invite, you'll be there dig out your best mini dress and stilettos and go get smashed .
Honestly I would have no idea about a party like this either OP, but sounds fun. Have a good time.

@sanfranfibber

Who goes to a black tie party with homemade dog treats?! No gift OP, a thank you after.

Well obviously only if they have dogs in the house.

These situations where there are arbitrary rules bring out the rebel in me. I’d want to go in my pyjamas and some wellies! I wouldn’t have the courage to though. That’s not helpful advice. Sorry.
Hope you have a lovely time!

@LemonRoses

I think a few are overthinking. Yes reply in writing, unless an email address or phone number is given. Your usual correspondence card will do. Not a great long letter. Simply “Dear Mrs Smith, thank you for your kind invitation to your party. I am very much looking forward to meeting you again. Kind regards Balancing. “

Black tie will be time dependent.The earlier the start, the higher the hemline. Early evening calls for cocktail dress, not a ball gown. Nobody would mind a pretty little tea dress. You certainly don’t need to bring our the family heirlooms or go over the top. Not gloves. Not over fussed hair. Understated rather than try to hard.

Nobody but the rudest of hosts would turn their noses up at a proffered gift. I’d avoid flowers as they need sorting at the time. Wine can raise a few eyebrows unless it’s very good with personal connection. Empty handed is fine, but something small such as a small box of handmade fudge or a small bottle of a homemade slow gin would be well received. If they have a particular hobby then something associated may be good - nice hand cream for a gardener, a novel you've read recently, a tub of homemade dog treats.

You think the OP is overthinking

You don't take anything, 'taking things' is for less formal occasions.

Afterwards you write them a letter thanking them for their hospitality and send something such as wine or flowers.

Have a good time, I'm sure it will be lovely. Any excuse to get dressed up!

Black tie is easier for women than men as you don't have to wear anything restrictive. Family home black tie (esp in the summer) is a completely different bag to a formal event.

Forget rules about not taking a gift - no one is THAT stiff these days. If you feel you would like to, then do so. No one minds a bottle of Champagne being handed over.

Check the weather, have clean fingernails, a big smile and have fun - they want YOU there, not a copy of Debretts.

...and yes to the thank you card afterwards, always.