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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be upset if your dp said this in front of you

115 replies

Painauchocolat189 · 07/04/2021 21:03

There was a Russian woman on the TV and he said something like "that guy she's with could do a lot worse, she's really cute."
He always compliments me but I don't know if I'd say stuff like that in front of him. Obviously I can see that other men are attractive but I just keep it to myself.
Is it disrespectful to say it to me?

OP posts:
FireflyRainbow · 07/04/2021 22:23

My partner knows if jason mamoa showed the slightest interest I'm gone 😂😂

Bjarnum · 07/04/2021 22:23

Why not try enthusing over another man's charms and see how he reacts? If he is sanguine about it rather than resentful or jealous you have your answer - or you could gently explain you find his comments hurtful... and see what he does

TedMullins · 07/04/2021 22:24

@TableFlowerss so you’ve never had sexual thoughts about a celebrity you find attractive? Or someone hot you momentarily glanced at while out shopping? I find that surprising. I don’t police my sexual fantasies just because I’m in a relationship and I wouldn’t expect someone else to either

BurbageBrook · 07/04/2021 22:24

OP it’s totally OK for you to have this boundary and to ask him not to comment on women’s attractiveness in front of you. Many people do find it disrespectful.

Nith · 07/04/2021 22:24

It wouldn't bother me, just as it doesn't bother DH if I'm drooling over some hunk on TV.

coogee · 07/04/2021 22:26

I wouldn't bother me either.

magickmummy · 07/04/2021 22:33

My dh does this too and it doesn't bother me only we are worse. He often says who he would sleep with (celebs) and as I'm Bi I usually agree with him lol. He also picks out guys and asks if I would sleep with them so it's a back and forth thing.

Each to their own so if it bothers you he probably shouldn't do it but I don't see it as a big deal. At the end of the day my hubby is with me and lots of these men and women are really sexy and attractive so I can't blame him. :)

grisen · 07/04/2021 22:34

@Painauchocolat189

I think it depends on the context too. Saying someone is attractive or handsome to me is different than cute, hot, sexy.
There’s something about this that bothers me. Because attractive or handsome to be would be way above say cute. But I was raised on a “cuties don’t get laid” mantra and would never classify cute with hot or sexy.

But what is it about saying someone’s cute that bothers you?

I think YABU because there’s nothing wrong with thinking other people are good looking, it’s one of the joys of life.

me4real · 07/04/2021 22:34

It's down to the individual. Some people might be ok with it but you're not and your feelings are valid for your life/relationship.

You could say to him 'I don't need or want to know if you find someone else attractive' or something.

LucieStar · 07/04/2021 22:42

Literally not an issue in the slightest for me.

RLOU30 · 07/04/2021 22:44

Name changed ..
My DP doesn’t do anything like that because I really don’t like it either :( I’m really trying to work on myself as I know it shouldn’t bother me it just really would. I’m so jealous even when a scene of a film comes up and there’s nudity.. I wish I wasn’t this way I hate feeling like it so much.
I’ve had a difficult past romantically was in a 8 year abusive relationship from aged 15 so I guess I got a bit muddled up with what is right and acceptable etc.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 07/04/2021 22:47

Not remotely offensive

inappropriateraspberry · 07/04/2021 22:47

I see it as sign that he's confident enough in his relationship with you that he can make comments like that.
It wouldn't bother me - people can still find others attractive/appreciate good looking people without needing to act on it.

Timeisavirtue · 07/04/2021 22:49

Wouldn’t bother me, actually DP never even says stuff like that, I’m constantly drooling after actors and such. I think in the whole 17 years we’ve been together he’s only said one actress was hot. At the end of the day it wasn’t like he said he wanted to shag her, he just mentioned she was cute. Pretty innocent to me

Ladyinbeds · 07/04/2021 22:51

OP, I completely agree with you. It's no hardship for a partner to withhold stating out loud that they fancy someone else in order to uphold the, perhaps, white lie, that you are the most beautiful woman in the world (which I have no doubt that you are!). And vice-versa - what benefit is there to say in front of your partner for example, 'phwooor, that Poldark'. What does either party gain out of that?

And with regards to 'well they'd never meet them in real life anyway' - I'd hate to think that the only reason they're with us is because they haven't met the celebrity in real life so are settling for us. When I've truly loved someone, I had eyes for no-one else. Even the hottest celebrity on the planet couldn't pull me away.

This thread though does show that people have natural inclinations towards one way or another, so one way isn't neccesarily the 'right' way.

TableFlowerss · 07/04/2021 22:52

[quote TedMullins]@TableFlowerss so you’ve never had sexual thoughts about a celebrity you find attractive? Or someone hot you momentarily glanced at while out shopping? I find that surprising. I don’t police my sexual fantasies just because I’m in a relationship and I wouldn’t expect someone else to either[/quote]
Before I met DH I did but he ticked all my box’s so o can honestly say, no I’ve never thought about sexual encounters with celebs, I’d rather get my DH in to bed.

I can see if someone is attractive as we have said stuff in the past like ‘what a good looking couple they are’ but in general, no we don’t discus how fit we think anyone else is.

TedMullins · 07/04/2021 22:55

Fair enough, even if someone ticks my boxes it doesn’t stop my mind wandering. I agree you don’t need to discuss it frequently though, as I said earlier I think the OP’s bf’s comments sound innocent enough but if he’s doing this on a regular basis it suggests he’s reducing women to sex objects regularly which is not a great advert of his character

RiojaRose · 07/04/2021 22:58

I have no problem with my partner being attracted to other people. What I don’t like is sexist performances of the male gaze. So, to me, how it’s expressed is important.

(I don’t much like it the other way around either but it doesn’t have the same effect when women do it because of centuries of men’s economic and sexual advantage over women.)

magickmummy · 07/04/2021 23:00

@TableFlowerss I'm happy for you that you manage to not have those sexy thoughts and I'm not sure how you do it lol.

I often fantasize about other people (celebs) when I'm having private me time (if you get me Wink )and im sure DH does too and I don't see that as a bad thing. Doesn't mean we love each other any less or that we don't find each other attractive to me it just means we are human.

Plus nothing wrong with appreciating a sexy beautiful woman or a sexy handsome man Grin

thelegohooverer · 07/04/2021 23:00

I wouldn’t like it. Dh knows that about me so he doesn’t make those kinds of comments in front of me.

It’s ok to have boundaries.

toiletbrushholder · 07/04/2021 23:01

Agree with you OP, there's saying someone's attractive and then there is leering over them in front of your partner and making those kind of comments is falling into the latter catering for me.

Zigzag77 · 07/04/2021 23:04

Absolutely not an issue for me either. Doesn’t mean he wants to jump into bed with anyone he seems attractive. I think you might be projecting your own insecurities onto the situation.

shinynewapple21 · 07/04/2021 23:05

I think it's more of an issue if, for example, he was making comments about his mate's girlfriend .

I wouldn't see a problem expressing an opinion on someone on TV. Surely we all fancy some celebrity or other ?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/04/2021 23:07

I don’t like it when DP clearly fancies someone who likes like his ex GF (tall slim, blonde, fake boobs) rather than me (short, fat curvy and brunette).

Luckily he generally keeps it to himself, as do I, after an early mistake when he said something about Pamela Anderson and I told him I didn’t need to hear it.

Instead he’ll often point out men he thinks I’ll find attractive “ooh look at the chest hair on him” etc and we both comment on how well matched couples are on eg 90 Day Fiancé. But he wouldn’t just point out an attractive woman, even though I can obviously see when someone is his type, I don’t need to hear about it!

We both shared our ‘shag marry avoid’ choices for the 3 judges on Masterchef Australia last night Grin which was funny as we both went the same way! He suggested Gary could comfort him after the trauma of having to sleep with George.

TableFlowerss · 07/04/2021 23:07

[quote magickmummy]**@TableFlowerss I'm happy for you that you manage to not have those sexy thoughts and I'm not sure how you do it lol.

I often fantasize about other people (celebs) when I'm having private me time (if you get me Wink )and im sure DH does too and I don't see that as a bad thing. Doesn't mean we love each other any less or that we don't find each other attractive to me it just means we are human.

Plus nothing wrong with appreciating a sexy beautiful woman or a sexy handsome man Grin[/quote]
Well fair play to you both I must say. I suppose it goes to show how different we all are on here. Looks like I’m in the minority Blush