Posting here for traffic
Please be gentle, I literally can't handle strong criticism right now. It's a bit long so sorry in advance.
My partners dad died suddenly last week and he's absolutely devastated. His dad was his best friend.
I'm genuinely trying my best to be there for him but I'm just not good with emotions at all, I'm letting him talk about it and cry and take whatever time he needs and I really thought I was doing well. I tend to busy myself with practical things, so I've been doing some work stuff for him and helping our children through it all while he spends time with his siblings and arranging the funeral.
At the same time, our boiler packed up and me and the kids moved into a hotel, with him joining us when he wanted to.
Two nights ago he decided to stay home and got drunk. I never think drinking while in pain is a good thing but I didn't say anything, just encouraged him to invite a friend over so he's not drinking alone.
His best friend is a woman and I have never ever thought there was something going on between them. I love her, she's amazing with my kids and she understands my partner in a way I don't (our interests are very different and it's something they have in common).
I have a horrible feeling he cheated this night.
I understand grief makes you do strange things, and I also know that right now is not the time to confront him about it. I'm grieving myself (his dad was like a second dad to me) and I could just be overly sensitive.
When I was sorting out some of his work stuff for him I needed to access his emails. He knew this and gave me permission to do so.
I also checked his search history. He has a history of depression and only got out of a bout of it around a month ago, when he started on antidepressants. I just wanted an insight into where his mind is at the moment as he's prone to suicidal ideation, so I just wanted a heads up if he was making those sorts of searches.
Instead I found searches like 'movies to turn her on' 'sexy movies for couples'.
Bare in mind, I was stuck at a hotel with the kids and he had invited her over. So whether or not something actually happened, this is where his mind was.
The next day he cleaned our sheets which is extremely unusual. If it weren't for me he would happily change the sheets once a year (an exaggeration perhaps but just an indication of how little he remembers to do these things).
He has also been really off with me. One word texts, no affection at all. Alot of 'reevaluating my life' sort of comments. He's said outright he's not interested in any conversations I bring up, and has made insinuations about my weight and how 'unfun' I've become.
This is so out of character. He has always found me attractive regardless of how much weight I've gained/lost over the years, and we've both been very accepting of how different our personalities are. In a way its what has made us last so long.
I don't want to bring up my worries right now as, above anything else, his friend clearly is giving him what he needs in terms of emotional support. I still find it hard to believe anything actually happened. I haven't resorted to looking through his phone yet as frankly, I'm afraid of what I'll find and I don't want to invade his privacy right now.
How do I live with this until such a time it becomes more acceptable to raise it? Am I being insane?