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Original poster

I don't even know what to do about this

168 replies

Braneycat · 07/04/2021 17:14

Posting here for traffic

Please be gentle, I literally can't handle strong criticism right now. It's a bit long so sorry in advance.

My partners dad died suddenly last week and he's absolutely devastated. His dad was his best friend.

I'm genuinely trying my best to be there for him but I'm just not good with emotions at all, I'm letting him talk about it and cry and take whatever time he needs and I really thought I was doing well. I tend to busy myself with practical things, so I've been doing some work stuff for him and helping our children through it all while he spends time with his siblings and arranging the funeral.

At the same time, our boiler packed up and me and the kids moved into a hotel, with him joining us when he wanted to.

Two nights ago he decided to stay home and got drunk. I never think drinking while in pain is a good thing but I didn't say anything, just encouraged him to invite a friend over so he's not drinking alone.

His best friend is a woman and I have never ever thought there was something going on between them. I love her, she's amazing with my kids and she understands my partner in a way I don't (our interests are very different and it's something they have in common).

I have a horrible feeling he cheated this night.

I understand grief makes you do strange things, and I also know that right now is not the time to confront him about it. I'm grieving myself (his dad was like a second dad to me) and I could just be overly sensitive.

When I was sorting out some of his work stuff for him I needed to access his emails. He knew this and gave me permission to do so.

I also checked his search history. He has a history of depression and only got out of a bout of it around a month ago, when he started on antidepressants. I just wanted an insight into where his mind is at the moment as he's prone to suicidal ideation, so I just wanted a heads up if he was making those sorts of searches.

Instead I found searches like 'movies to turn her on' 'sexy movies for couples'.

Bare in mind, I was stuck at a hotel with the kids and he had invited her over. So whether or not something actually happened, this is where his mind was.

The next day he cleaned our sheets which is extremely unusual. If it weren't for me he would happily change the sheets once a year (an exaggeration perhaps but just an indication of how little he remembers to do these things).
He has also been really off with me. One word texts, no affection at all. Alot of 'reevaluating my life' sort of comments. He's said outright he's not interested in any conversations I bring up, and has made insinuations about my weight and how 'unfun' I've become.

This is so out of character. He has always found me attractive regardless of how much weight I've gained/lost over the years, and we've both been very accepting of how different our personalities are. In a way its what has made us last so long.

I don't want to bring up my worries right now as, above anything else, his friend clearly is giving him what he needs in terms of emotional support. I still find it hard to believe anything actually happened. I haven't resorted to looking through his phone yet as frankly, I'm afraid of what I'll find and I don't want to invade his privacy right now.

How do I live with this until such a time it becomes more acceptable to raise it? Am I being insane?

OP posts:
Itsalonghaul · 09/04/2021 07:14

This was probably not the first time. They are probably intimate on and off for years. Close friends like this, are usually close for a reason.

It would be over for me. Ask him to move out.
You can't trust him.
Be strong for your dc.
Flowers

LipstickLou · 09/04/2021 07:15

No apology? I would be taking legal advice. Do you like him? You might love him but boy you have to like them to live with someone a long time. The 'friend'? His not yours. Definately never to be spoken to again and never again in your house. Give her a nickname, it will make you feel better. Cruella, Bereavement Bongess etc springs to mind.

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 09/04/2021 07:17

Sorry OP I couldn't forgive that grieving or not.

M0rT · 09/04/2021 07:30

I am so so sorry. Try minding yourself like you would one your children for a while.
Warm clothes, childhood comfort food if you can eat, sleep as much as possible.
This is a terrible shock on top of grieving.
Also try to think a whole hour about yourself.
What makes you happy? What do you love to do? How do you want to live?
It seems like you have been managing for your husband a lot longer then this recent bereavement so try to manage just for yourself now.

Loveitloveitloveit · 09/04/2021 07:31

I am so sorry op Flowers when I started reading I truly thought it would be something daft. Don’t buy into it being due to grief- get rid

WhySoSensitive · 09/04/2021 07:37

Grief is so excuse for that,
It would make me wonder if it has happened before.

BlueSkyBlinking · 09/04/2021 07:41

So sorry, OP. You’re probably in shock at the moment. Have you got RL friends you can turn to at the moment?

I wouldn’t let him come to the hotel - you need space to handle the shock. My advice would be to ask him to keep his distance while you process this horrific event.

SatyajitRayFan · 09/04/2021 07:53

I'm so sorry for you OP. Clearly his father's death was an excuse for him to get his best friend to bed. The best friend is as bad as him.

Thereoncewasababy · 09/04/2021 07:59

He has shown you who he is, you need to build a future without him. It will be hard initially but your life will be better without this man than it ever will if you try and rebuild the lost trust and the hit to your confidence and self esteem as you try to make sense of staying with someone who treats you like that. The cheating, the unkind comments, you deserve so much more than that.

cameocat · 09/04/2021 08:05

I don't think losing g his dad is an excuse for his behaviour. I think that would it for me.

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 09/04/2021 08:06

I'm really sorry OP but I would be leaving. This isn't something he did in the spur of the moment when he was overcome with grief. He planned this, googled, and set up a situation where this happened. Big hugs to you Flowers

QuimReaper · 09/04/2021 08:07

I don't normally comment on these threads but my heart really goes out to you OP. As others have said, it's the premeditation that's the gut-punch. From your post it sounds like you were being extremely gracious about the belittling (which I agree with you might be excusable in the short term, in a stable relationship, whilst battling debilitating grief) but this is beyond the pale.

I think you need to accept that, whatever the eventual outcome, you and your husband need a very long break. The boiler breaking / hotel situation is a real blessing to give you a bit of time and space to think. Is there anyone else your children can stay with to give you a bit of head spsace?

Thehop · 09/04/2021 08:13

I’m so so sorry you have this to deal with on top of your own grief and loss, OP. They’re both vile.

We can support you if you need us x

StormcloakNord · 09/04/2021 08:18

This is bloody awful OP. Sorry you're going through this.

Please don't think grief is an excuse for this. They have both treated you horribly and grief is absolutely no excuse for it.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 09/04/2021 08:22

What a bastard.

thethoughtfox · 09/04/2021 08:24

The first thing is: this wasn't a moment where two friends, one comforting the other, crossed a line while holding each other and were overcome. The film search tells you that he planned to seduce her. I'm so sorry.

Wide · 09/04/2021 08:30

Oh OP you sound so amazing and understanding please fp not let him take advantage of your kindness. I'd leave him and as for the fucking friend. Your husband really has lost it all hasn't he! What an absolute idiot. Hold your head high, grief is not an excuse, you and your kids were staying at a hotel and he's googling sexy movies with intent for his friend to come over, this makes me sick for you they both deserve eachother. I am so sorry, I don't think you should forgive either of them

StephenBelafonte · 09/04/2021 08:34

HI OP I'm so sorry for your situation right now.

Whose idea was it for you and the kids to decamp to a hotel? Having no boiler is a minor inconvenience but it certainly doesn't warrant moving out! Or was moving out his suggestion Sad in which case, it kind of looks planned.

someonelockthefridgealready · 09/04/2021 08:37

I'm so sorry, OP. I have been there and it just rips the insides out of you.

For what it's worth, I lost my father, whom I was very, very close to, totally unexpectedly but I still had control over my behaviour. I still knew not to be an arsehole.

We're here if you need to vent.

PurpleSunrise · 09/04/2021 08:50

I’m so sorry Flowers

icdtap · 09/04/2021 09:06

I'm so sorry OP. That's an awful thing for him to do.

The loss of a parent can do very strange things to a person though. When my mother died my personality changed completely (seemingly forever and it's 7 years on now...). I became very insular and developed social anxiety. I'm very quiet whereas I wasn't before. For the first 6 months I was in a daze -I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
When my Dad died I flew into rages about nothing and I can vaguely remember yelling and crying at a woman working in a service station on the motorway. I would never do anything like that normally.
So, yes grief can change you completely. That said, I managed not to shag people other than my (now ex) partner (useless shit)

Only you will be able to tell if this behaviour was completely out of character, whether it might be a one-off due to overwhelming grief OR whether he or she took advantage of the situation to do something they have wanted to do for a while... ie. he plays the sympathy card to get her into bed or she needed to "comfort" him in his grief.
If you think that it genuinely might have been a bad combination of alcohol and grief, then perhaps, you might still have a future.
However, the googling of films to get her horny would suggest planning went into it.
And the friend should have told him "no, you're grieving, your head's all over the place".

Tubs11 · 09/04/2021 09:13

I'm sorry but this is NOT grief! When my mum died suddenly the last thing i thought about was sex! I did emotionally shutdown while I tried to process what happened, my husband did all the practical things which was of great support to me at the time so you've done nothing wrong. Either something was wrong in the marriage before or they have been having an affair of some sort. His dad's death is not an excuse for this behaviour and your number one priority needs to be you and the kids. My deepest sympathies on the passing of your FIL, poor man would be ashamed of his sons behaviour if he knew. Thinking of you OP, you sound so lovely and supportive and this man has let you down in my eyes.

starfishmummy · 09/04/2021 09:13

@FortunesFave has it right

Honorary Auntie my arse. She's had her eye on him the whole time and was waiting.

I'd even go as far as to suggest it wasn't the first time they have done this.

Sorry OP.

Decide what you want to do and don't let the fact that he is grieving make any difference to yohr decision. It didn't make any difference to him.

babbaloushka · 09/04/2021 09:13

I'm so sorry OP, he doesn't deserve to stay.

lickatysplit · 09/04/2021 09:24

I'm so sorry for the loss of your FIL. Just when you think you've heard it all, man reaches an all new low, using his fathers death to seduce his best friend. Unless they've been at it before he seems almost predatory, using his "grief" and choice of sexy films to manipulate her into his bed. Yuck.

This is the part where he tries to rewrite history and his actions become your fault. Nah don't stand for that hes a nasty little dickhead and you've stepped in better. Time to take care of yourself now.

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