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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't even know what to do about this

168 replies

Braneycat · 07/04/2021 17:14

Posting here for traffic

Please be gentle, I literally can't handle strong criticism right now. It's a bit long so sorry in advance.

My partners dad died suddenly last week and he's absolutely devastated. His dad was his best friend.

I'm genuinely trying my best to be there for him but I'm just not good with emotions at all, I'm letting him talk about it and cry and take whatever time he needs and I really thought I was doing well. I tend to busy myself with practical things, so I've been doing some work stuff for him and helping our children through it all while he spends time with his siblings and arranging the funeral.

At the same time, our boiler packed up and me and the kids moved into a hotel, with him joining us when he wanted to.

Two nights ago he decided to stay home and got drunk. I never think drinking while in pain is a good thing but I didn't say anything, just encouraged him to invite a friend over so he's not drinking alone.

His best friend is a woman and I have never ever thought there was something going on between them. I love her, she's amazing with my kids and she understands my partner in a way I don't (our interests are very different and it's something they have in common).

I have a horrible feeling he cheated this night.

I understand grief makes you do strange things, and I also know that right now is not the time to confront him about it. I'm grieving myself (his dad was like a second dad to me) and I could just be overly sensitive.

When I was sorting out some of his work stuff for him I needed to access his emails. He knew this and gave me permission to do so.

I also checked his search history. He has a history of depression and only got out of a bout of it around a month ago, when he started on antidepressants. I just wanted an insight into where his mind is at the moment as he's prone to suicidal ideation, so I just wanted a heads up if he was making those sorts of searches.

Instead I found searches like 'movies to turn her on' 'sexy movies for couples'.

Bare in mind, I was stuck at a hotel with the kids and he had invited her over. So whether or not something actually happened, this is where his mind was.

The next day he cleaned our sheets which is extremely unusual. If it weren't for me he would happily change the sheets once a year (an exaggeration perhaps but just an indication of how little he remembers to do these things).
He has also been really off with me. One word texts, no affection at all. Alot of 'reevaluating my life' sort of comments. He's said outright he's not interested in any conversations I bring up, and has made insinuations about my weight and how 'unfun' I've become.

This is so out of character. He has always found me attractive regardless of how much weight I've gained/lost over the years, and we've both been very accepting of how different our personalities are. In a way its what has made us last so long.

I don't want to bring up my worries right now as, above anything else, his friend clearly is giving him what he needs in terms of emotional support. I still find it hard to believe anything actually happened. I haven't resorted to looking through his phone yet as frankly, I'm afraid of what I'll find and I don't want to invade his privacy right now.

How do I live with this until such a time it becomes more acceptable to raise it? Am I being insane?

OP posts:

Ikeameatballs · 09/04/2021 09:37

I’m very sorry OP.

What has he said?

Grief can make people behave very strangely, not minimising what he has done or saying that it is forgivable, but it can tip people into behaving in a way which is out of character or into behaving in a way which is how they think, at that moment, they should be. A lot of “Seize the moment”, type thinking can mean that people throw away their normal life. It’s very sad. I don’t think any of it is a reflection on how you have supported your husband.

Mumkins42 · 09/04/2021 09:46

You're dealing with an awful lot right now. His dad's death is never an excuse ever to treat you like this. Even if he hasn't cheated, his behaviour is way off. Is there any way you can get as much support for you as possible; phone a helpline evento talk anonymously to someone who is completely non bias and not close enough to have their own agenda. It is so horrible when you know in your guy someone is holding some income from you. It sounds like he is in no place to be honest right now with you. However, making it very clear to him that you are not comfortable with certain behaviours sounds like something you need to do right now. The friend sounds suspect to me. She's not thinking of your feeling much right now. Anyone knows that most wives will have some level of discomforts on some level with this friendship. Loads of hugs to you xx

Trixie78 · 09/04/2021 09:50

I'm so sorry to hear this, where's your head now? Are you ok?

SuperintendentHastings · 09/04/2021 09:53

OP, I lost my mum and dad within 3 weeks of each other and the grief was more pain than I've ever known. It's still not an excuse to behave like this. He has been appalling to you and your children and I literally have no words for her.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 09/04/2021 09:56

His behaviour to you is horrendous

DenisetheMenace · 09/04/2021 09:58

So sorry.
That would be it for me. I would pack his things, take them to the woman’s house and consult a solicitor.

Veryverycalmnow · 09/04/2021 10:00

Oh no! Well done for going with your gut and asking him about it. Are you still staying at a hotel or are you all home together? Is there somewhere you (or even better he) can go while you assess your next steps?

Blindstupid · 09/04/2021 10:14

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think no matter what the timing is, there’s never a ‘right time’, you need to think of what YOU want. If you think you can forgive and move on, then start that process, if you think you can never forgive and never move on, then start that process .... either way it’s only your decision, only you know what you can forgive and live with.

hiccupgate · 09/04/2021 10:14

Even if you could blame his infidelity on his grief, she has no such excuse. Since you say they are close friends (presumably long standing), to salvage the relationship I'd be demanding he never sees her again. Somehow I doubt that will happen, so I'd be making plans to leave, especially after the hurtful things he has said to you. This is a truly horrible situation. Focus on yourself and your children, and leave this pair of total knobends to it. You deserve so much better.

criminallyinsane · 09/04/2021 10:30

Agree with the consensus on here. He sounds bloody awful, grieving or not. Just wanted to say don't let yourself give a second thought to his putdowns over your weight etc, you sound lovely and he doesn't deserve you and you totally don't deserve his guilty attempts to blame it all on you. Currently you're in a more unstable position if you're staying in a hotel so I'd move back home now with the kids and throw him out. I think his dad would be appalled at him.

RachelRavenRoth · 09/04/2021 10:34

He absolutely doesnt deserve you. A moment filled with grief is one thing, but this was planned.

Teardrop2021 · 09/04/2021 10:38

What an awful shock op, you must be reeling with emotions, have you anyone to talk to irl?

Ohnomoreno · 09/04/2021 10:39

I'm so sorry. You need to start making your own decisions and eventually prioritising your own wellbeing. My father also died unexpectedly. Didn't give me licence to shag a friend.

Allgreyeverything · 09/04/2021 10:40

‘Movies to turn her on’ 🤢
So cold and premeditated. I wouldn’t forgive

WeAllHaveWings · 09/04/2021 10:41

Losing a parent and grieving is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour and even less for hers. Do not allow him to use his grief as a shield to the consequences of his actions.

So sorry this is happening to you.

Taikoo · 09/04/2021 10:45

But is that the first time he's shagged her?

Either way, I'd tell him to move out.

oakleaffy · 09/04/2021 10:46

@Braneycat

Turns out my gut was right :(

I'm afraid one's ''Inner instincts'' often are.... Sorry, OP. Been there.

What a douchebag he is.

pepsicolagirl · 09/04/2021 10:46

@Allgreyeverything

‘Movies to turn her on’ 🤢 So cold and premeditated. I wouldn’t forgive

This! It is one thing if in a grief stricken moment you turn to the person who is there for some kind of emotional or physical connection but to have searched this beforehand suggest that this is something entirely other.

MediocreButter · 09/04/2021 10:47

I'm so sorry, OP! I really hope you find the strength to get through this

oakleaffy · 09/04/2021 10:47

@Braneycat

Grief does not {Or should not} make a bereaved person cheat on their marriage partner.

What a terrible excuse to have used.

Amammi · 09/04/2021 10:47

Op he has behaved very badly as has your friend.
I don’t know if you want to stay and give the marriage another try but it sounds like he’s getting the scene set so that changes will take place / dropping you vague breadcrumbs about reevaluating life etc. before giving you a more truthful explanation. There could be more to this yah and it might be going on a while.
Sorry to be mercenary but was his Dad in a position to leave any thing to your family?
I’d hold off ripping any plaster until you get a chance to get legal advice. If he’s still with you or separated/ divorced when an inheritance comes through this could have implications.

Easeljeasel · 09/04/2021 10:50

Gosh so sorry to hear you were right OP. I agree with others that, grieving or not, I’d find this unforgivable. You have been so good and utterly trusting of him telling him to get over a friend etc, followed by sitting worrying about his grief from your hotel room with the kids and whilst he’s busy googling how to turn this other woman - who you trusted completely too - on? Just awful. So sorry OP.

Dogscanteatonions · 09/04/2021 10:53

OP I'm so very very sorry. My ex behaved abysmally when his father died, whatever he did or said was excusable because of his grief. I couldn't raise a single thing and it was all my fault.

I think if the cheating had been in the utter heat of the moment is one thing but the premeditated n searching for films would be the deal breaker even if you wanted to stay together

Turin · 09/04/2021 10:55

He has zero respect for you. I’ve experienced something similar. In my case it was waiting for the MIL to pass before he made a move as he knew she would never had condoned his behaviour.

Once she passed away, it gave him a green light to do what he had premeditated all along. He does not deserve you op.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/04/2021 11:16

So sorry to read about his despicable behaviour.
I think you need to realise that he planned this - and that should harden your resolve to start thinking only about yourself and your children now, and do what is best for them and you, not him. He doesn't deserve your care and concern now - you can continue grieving the loss of your FIL and your DC's grandfather without worrying about how he's coping, because he's clearly shown he doesn't worry about YOU.

Take care

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